Yesterday we were sad to hear Jim Carrey’s ex-girlfriend had chosen to take her own life. It was even more heartbreaking to read details that Cathriona White, 28, had reportedly left a suicide note citing her breakup with the comedian as the impetus for her suicide.
It’s a familiar tale. Even a somewhat personally familiar tale in my case as I thought back to January and February of 2014 when my ex began constantly sending me messages on Facebook, asking me to “just say something” to him. When I refused, one Saturday he sent a message that said “If u don’t call me in five mins I’m going to kill myself.” For a brief minute my world stopped. While I didn’t take the threat seriously at all, part of me was paralyzed by the thought of him actually doing it and the guilt I would feel as a result. Towards the end of our breakup in late 2010, I was convinced my ex had some mental health issues. In a way he knew it too, but was crushed by his attempt at getting help when he told a counselor he felt he was going crazy and was laughed at. I hurt for him, too, in that moment, but four years later the threat of suicide felt like another attempt at manipulation and I refused to be sucked back in. So, I still said nothing. Ironically, there was a sense of thankfulness when 26 minutes after the threat more messages began pouring in. And though this situation worked out, for lack of a better phrase, I’ve always questioned whether I did the right thing in that moment.
While there’s no evidence White threatened Carrey with suicide when they broke up September 24, many lovers do. According to BPDCenteral.com, which covers borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, the most important thing you can do in this situation is take threats seriously. Specifically, tell the person making the threat that you are going to call for help and actually do it. If the threat is immediate, 911 is your best bet.
Another recommendation is to express concern, but don’t give in to the threat. Let the person know they are still loved and you want them to be happy, but being in a relationship with each other won’t fix the underlying problem. Be firm in your decision to leave the relationship while letting your ex-partner know their behavior isn’t healthy and they need to work on themselves without you in order to get to a healthy place and that you support that.
Third, don’t start a fight. While some people are terrified of a suicide threat, others may become angry that their old lover has put them in this position. Now is not the time to accuse your ex of attempting to manipulate you or question their sincerity or even dare them in hopes of stopping the attempt. It’s possible the person may actually go through with the act just to prove you wrong.
Regardless of the scenario that plays out, the one thing you must do for yourself is not assume responsibility for the actions of the other party. Quoting Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman’s 1996 book, Choosing To Live, BPD writes, “Remind yourself that you are not threatening the other person with homicide-the other person is threatening suicide.” At the end of the day, their choice is their’s and you are dealing with a mentally unstable person who needs professional help that’s above and outside of you. All you can do is try to convince them to seek it out, but should they not, again, that is their choice.
For more resources, check out the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, SuicidePreventionLifeline.org, or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
