While catching up on old episodes of my shows (my DVR has been full for months now), I watched an episode of Blood, Sweat and Heels from Season 2. Yes, I know that season ended like three months ago. I did say old, didn’t I?
Anywho, in the particular episode I was viewing, Daisy Lewellyn, who spent the entire season fighting for her life due to a stage III bile duct cancer diagnosis, was crying and enraged. Not at the state of her health, which she kept her composure about all season long. Instead, she was crying and enraged over what she claimed co-star Demetria Lucas D’Oyley did–or did not do.
According to Lewellyn, after word got out about her cancer diagnosis by way of friend Melyssa Ford, Lucas D’Oyley, a former friend (in Lewellyn’s mind), didn’t reach out. No calls to check in on her. No visits. No cards. Nada. But when the ladies got together for a trip to the Hamptons, Lucas D’Oyley did show love, stating that if Lewellyn needed her, she would be there. She even joked about having strawberries cut up and ready to feed her co-star: “I got you.”
But as Lewellyn talked about her health journey, some of the cast members, including Lucas D’Oyley, carried on a separate conversation. Because they were somewhat inebriated, the conversation included some not-the-right-time giggles. Lewellyn took offense, directing her anger at Lucas D’Oyley and claiming she was making light of her illness. When recounting the lack of communication she had with Lucas D’Oyley since her diagnosis, as well as Lucas D’Oyley’s comments and behavior in the Hamptons, Lewellyn cried and called her former colleague “heartless.”
Seeing Lewellyn so riled up made me sad. But as I thought about her grievances, I thought she may have been a little harsh. I’ve stated in the past that I believe joining the show was probably not the best move for the “Belle in Brooklyn.” Mainly because it showed a side of her, that was at times, cold. However, in her defense, Lucas D’Oyley and Lewellyn had fallen out in the previous season. So with all that in mind, it made me wonder: Do you really want ex-friends you had a nasty falling out with only reaching out to you when they know you’re at your lowest?
Lucas D’Oyley may have felt like an attempt to reach out and be a faux ace boon would have been disingenuous. So when she had the chance to encounter Lewellyn, and her cancer was the topic of discussion, she finally offered support. Still, it’s as though Lewellyn expected more from her. More comfort, more empathy, and an apology about how things went down in the past. But that may have been asking too much.
Depending on who you ask, when you know someone you went through an experience in life with is dealing with something significant, including major health issues or grief, you should be let go of the past and reach out. But if you ask my sister, past friends should stay where they are–in your rearview.
When speaking about this topic over brunch, we talked about a former friend of hers who went ghost after my sister and her husband brought my nephew into the world.
“I would not want her to reach out to me. Because if you couldn’t be there for me in the happiest moment of my life, I don’t want you trying to be there when I’m at my lowest point. You know what I mean? It would be phony. I posted plenty pictures of Mikah on Facebook after I gave birth and she never reached out to say anything. Not to congratulate me. Not to just comment. We were friends for almost 20 years! So no, if she couldn’t be mature enough to support me during happy times, I wouldn’t want her calling me during the sad ones.”
And I can jibe with both points. The Christian in me feels like the right thing to do is offer a helping hand of support when anyone needs it, particularly someone you used to call a friend. But after hearing my sister’s argument, I can agree that I would be worried about coming off as a fraud. Someone reaching out to get the tea on what went wrong in your life. Someone just trying to be a spectator of the pain an individual I no longer wish to be associated with at any other time is going through. So, like Lucas D’Oyley, I would probably wait until I encountered that former friend in person to share my support. At that moment, I would let them in on the truth: “I thought about reaching out, but I didn’t know if you would really want to hear from me. I wasn’t sure whether or not it would come off as insincere. But I have been praying for you.”
But at the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. And when someone truly needs love and support when they’re struggling, what you do means more to them than what you say. So with all that being said, what would you do? Would you reach out to someone from your past after things ended ugly but they have found themselves in dire straits?
