8 Signs Your Man Isn’t Ready to Grow Up

June 27, 2011  |  
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Every relationship comes to a crossroads when both people have to decide what type of commitment they want, if at all. Some of us have clear rules and don’t waste time playing around any longer than three months; while, others hang on for years. But, there is no need to squander precious time with someone who isn’t ready to step up.

If you’re beyond “buddy” or “boo” status and ready for something steady, it’s time to start weeding out the boys (who may be nice) but just aren’t ready to grow up. Don’t know the signs? Here are a few to get you moving:

1. He’s still in school…getting his third Bachelor’s degree.
Not a Master’s, not a Doctorate, not a Ph.D.—a third Bachelor’s degree. It’s wonderful that he is educated, but he doesn’t have a clear vision. Many of us figure out who and want it is we want to be during those first four years and progress toward our professional goals thereafter. A man who is unsure of who he is and where he would like to go is not prepared to make long-term commitments. He may be bright but he needs more time to define his vision.

2. He still heads to Cancun for Spring Break.
Remember the 20 year-old guy that would come to your high school parties? This guy is no different. When college ends so does the pseudo-adulthood debauchery that goes with it. Guys who feel the need to rehash their younger years are simply avoiding the maturity expected with age. Nothing wrong with being the life of the party so long as it’s not a foam party…full of underage co-eds.

3. He’s unemployed by choice.
Yes, the recession has left many jobless; but, there are some who also haven’t been looking very hard. Whether he’s living on student loans or mooching off Mom, an able-bodied, unemployed man is a sign of pure laziness. If you’re in the market for marriage-material, you need someone resourceful and ready to hustle (legally).

4. He’s over 25 and lives at home with his parents.
There is a level of independence a mature man has that won’t allow him to live with his parents except in the case of dire (and I mean lost his job, house burned down) circumstances. The guy who contently lives at home isn’t ready to do what’s necessary to leave the nest. If he can’t (or won’t) provide the basics for himself, surely he can’t do much for you. Think Baby Boy. He may be cute and nice, but babies and STDs are the only thing you can count on from Jody-types.

5. He follows Lil’ Wayne on Twitter.
After a certain age, retweeting @LilTunechi (unless you’re somehow related to the entertainment industry) is a bit childish. Though many grown men may listen to hip-hop music, they are aware that most of what’s said is nonsense. They don’t retweet rappers because they have jobs, reputations and other things that could be lost or tarnished. Beware of the guy who follows behind the words of today’s mainstream hip-hop artists. All that pride, lust and greed is not where you want to invest.

6. His bro-circle is impenetrable.
You want a guy with a solid group of friends. Among many things, it lets you know he has a sense of loyalty; but, sometimes, the boys can be too much and a force to reckon with when they always come first. When the bromance is too strong, it’s time to move on. Not because he’s not a good guy, it’s just not the right time. When he’s ready for a serious relationship, his priorities will shift accordingly.

7. He’s ready for kids but not marriage.
Don’t waste your time fooling around with guys who think they can be fathers before husbands. “Commitment issues” are one of the biggest signs of immaturity. If he’s unable to make decisions and follow-through, throw him back to the girls with low standards. It’s likely going to be a while before he grows up, if ever.

8. He fights guys who “try” him.
We want to feel like our man can hold his own and throw hands if necessary, but it’s quite alright if he never actually shows us. Why? Fighting is juvenile. A grown (or growing) man has too much to lose over nonsense.

LaShaun Williams is a culture and relationship columnist, blogger and social critic. Her work has been featured on popular urban sites, such as The Grio and AOL Black Voices. She has made appearances on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and Santita Jackson Show. Williams is also the voice behind Politically Unapologetic, where she unabashedly discusses pop culture, relationships and everything in between. Follow @itsmelashaun on Twitter, Tumblr or Facebook.

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  • King Lion

    God it’s good to be a guy….we can live how we want forever :)…or at least change when we are ready. Women you really don’t have that choice do you…you mad? LOL be mad…i’ll be over here doing whatever the hell I feel like including spending a few days a week banging the brains out of 3-4 different young women. Tick tock do you here that biological clock ladies…well if you were a guy then it can be on snooze as long as you want…especially if kids are not a problem or priority at this point….God it’s good to be a guy :).

  • Crystal M357

    My man is 29 going to be 30 really soon.. we have a baby and another on the way.. he still lives at home with his parents and says to me that he won’t pick me over his mothers word or his sisters word. What do I do? How do I get him to see that his mother and sister are evil minipulating brainwashing b*****s who have nothing better to do than f**k with our relationship. Oh btw.. his sister is 38years old and still living at home.. no man..no kids.. only a dog and MY MAN..or guy?..boy? Idk..child… what do I do?

  • Ray

    seen myself in the one about being unemployed, I hate that I'm in college without a job, it;s hard to balance both but loans aren't gonna pay themselves

  • Adrienne

    I think some people missed the point of the article, in no way did I see anyone pointing out Black Men, it's men in general and @ InnocentTruthisBack really dude. I get that everyone is entitled to their opinion but some of the stuff on that list was so juvenile and sounded like such a tit, for tat deal. "you did this, so I'm gonna do this." really? The author was being constructive, in dating advice not on a witch hunt for black men. If you were going to make a list it could of at least been constructive not petty. This article can be applied to women as well for example, in terms of not growing up, women who feel that a man, or woman, or spouse or anyone besides herself SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF HER (and she's grown.) that's a problem. It's one thing if you are a stay at home mom, (hell a stay home mom is a full time job) I mean when a women feels she wants her own house, car, clothes, etc. but she feels that someone else (not her) needs to pay for it then she needs to grow up, I can't stand it when a woman, or a person in general man or woman, wants to have the world in their hands but don't wanna put in work to get there. A woman who has a child and uses that child to get back at her ex like a pawn in a game of chess, then she needs to grow up. If a ex is an ex, then he is for a reason, whether you agree with that reason or not, you need to move on. period. Unless you both want to work it out together, if not keep it moving, because using a child to back at someone is only going to cause that child unnecessary pain, and resentment towards you. However back on the subject of this article. This was intended toward men, in terms of dating advice, and just giving some signs to look out for, if you decided to take it personally that's on you. I don't believe this article was meant in a harmful way. This article wasn't making the assumption that all men are this way, it just stated that if the man you are dating acts this way then it's a problem.

  • jones

    How about 9 signs your girlfriend is Ghetto… instead

    1) She thinks have rainbow inspired multi colored weave is cute
    2) She describes child support payments as extra income
    3) She uses payday loans to go to the club
    4) She is a 4th year Senior at a Junior College
    5) The Last book she read was Green Eggs and Ham
    6) She still lives at Home
    7) She considers networking as updating her facebook account every 5 minutes
    8) Her life goal is to be on a reality show
    9) Her favorite tv personalities are Frankie and Neffe

  • Anna

    Come again?

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  • Chance

    Following Lil' Wayne? That's probably the dumbest thing ever posted on this site. Girl, he follows Lil' Wayne, he ain't never gonna grow up! GTFOHWTS

  • Shayla

    Jody My Jody…When you gon' grow up?

  • Strong

    I don't think the author was trying to single any race out…the majority (if not all) of my Asian-American and Caucasian friends listen mainly to hip-hop. And @KingBeef…I personally would respect and take Lil Wayne a bit more seriously if he actually made music about what he REALLY believes in, instead of rapping about one thing and then doing a 180 and tweeting another. I didn't even know he tweets positive messages but now that I do, it just proves to me the duality of his nature – that he's extremely weak and willing to say whatever will make him more money…a typical sellout.

  • Hooked on Phonics

    I think the picture in the "lives in his parent's basement' is of a white guy. And I'm sure that lots of white males follow Lil Wayne. I live in the DC area, and if you hear hip-hop/rap blasting out of a car it's just as likely to be a car full of white guys as it is a car full of black ones. All of the things she talks about can be said of men of any race; no one race, color, nationality, or gender is all good, or all bad.

  • All of these signs were valid except maybe the one about following Lil Wayne. I actually follow him and Lil Wayne is alot more intelligent that his music and actions may sometimes lead us to believe. He posts many positive tweets.

  • B-Rock

    I've been saying this since my college days. So funny……

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  • tanya

    ok so whats wrong with being in school for further education everybody dont have the luxury to go to school right after high school to a four year college some people minds aint on school after high school to do that and while they may go to school and get 2-3 bachelor degree as long as they use it whats the problem i dont see this as being childish indecisive…. maybe but childish or unwilling to grow up…. no

    • B-Rock

      I disagree. I had a ex that is a wonderful person but we went to HBCU a lonnnnnnnggg time ago (ten years) and she just got a real job this year. She went to like four different colleges before it was all said and done. And I think if we had stayed together it would have just been a marriage, children and her continuing to collect degrees to this day. I had to bounce and she had to get a job.

  • Stanley

    Once you get that paper you own that men and everything that man makes for life. You do know about alimony, aren't you?

  • Oh my gosh

    Wow. This was an advice article, not a wikipedia definition of men. There are two sides if you think about it, and either a man displays the listed traits or not, in a basic sense. There are not that many men doin all the bad things listed that will be good husbands, but it also goes in reverse,if he isnt doin the bad then he is probably a good man.

  • Really?!?

    I'm not understanding what's wrong with following Lil Wayne? His tweets are positive, inspirational, and REAL. How pety are u to judge someone based on what twitter pages they follow?

  • So much hate in these comments, (grabs popcorn and soda pop)

  • kayla

    lol. ikr

  • Visitor

    Hey leave Innocent alone. No one likes to read anything negative about their race or sex. It is normal to get offended by articles. I know the mean spirited articles and studies that make black females appear to be angry,ugly etc offends me. I am not angry or ugly but I am tired of studies/articles saying All black women are.

  • Benita

    Nice try…but I didn’t comment on that article because I knew his point of view was bs.

  • Benita

    I don’t even know you, I’m just saying if you feel like all the articles put black men down, why do you keep hanging out where (you perceive) you are not wanted?

    • InnocentTruthIsBack

      The same reason why you comment on articles that make black women look bad. When that Asian psychologist said black women were least attractive why did you feel the need to talk about it?

  • Benita

    *own* not on

  • Benita

    This is a black WOMAN site, since you want to get specific. If you feel as if the majority of the articles bash black men, why are you on here everyday? Go start your on site so you can voice your opinions about issues that are important to you.

    • InnocentTruthIsBack

      What are you in charge of? You don't tell me what to do. If you don't like me, too bad!

  • InnocentTruthIsBack

    Cherie needs a clue? I believe you need a clue that's why you're single and bitter.

  • Benita

    Not once in this article does the author single out Black men. This article is about ALL men. These are all issues that could apply to any race.

  • Marvelous

    "I HATE YOU JODY!!!"
    I have nothing else to add here.

  • Lyndon

    Saw myself in a few of these, but not offended. Another spot on piece. I do take offense to the "following Wayne on Twitter" though.

  • Cherie

    Hey, InnocentTruthIsBack…..I hear you brother!! but there are many of us black women who love and adore our black men..despite articles of this nature.

    • Tamar

      Really Cherie? InnocentTruthIsBack sits there and insult black women and you agree with him and say how much you love and adore black men? How pathetic.

      • Likewater4choc

        Thank you pointing this out to Cherie, Tamar. "IgnorantTruth" is here to stop the defamation of his brothers, but never really has anything respectful to say about black women.

        Cherie, get a clue…love and adore those who love and adore you. Stop co-signing those who are full of bs.

        The things about articles like these is that they are written to those that they apply to. If none of these apply to youu, brotha, then you have nothing to worry about. But I have come across this type a time or two.

  • InnocentTruthIsBack

    I'm struggling to understand the purpose of this article. Does this website have an agenda to defame black men? Almost every article on this site paints black men as the villain. Recently, I took the time out to read a piece of scientific literature written by a southern aristocrat in the mid nineteenth century. This man fancied African American men and women as overgrown children who needed constant direction and moral guidance. Not only were we undeserving of freedom, he also found blacks incapable of learning and lacking sound judgement. Lashaun's article, just like the literature ,makes the same argument. Instead of posting something positive she decides to degrade black men and describes us as overgrown children. I'm starting to believe Lashaun and her female supporters are closet homosexuals. This would explain the tone and intent of her articles.

    So be the Ambassdor of Justice and Equality I Present you with: 9 signs your Woman isn't Ready to Grow Up

    1) She thinks have rainbow inspired multi colored weave is cute
    2) She describes child support payments as extra income
    3) She uses payday loans to go to the club
    4) She is a 4th year Senior at a Junior College
    5) The Last book she read was Green Eggs and Ham
    6) She still lives at Home
    7) She considers networking as updating her facebook account every 5 minutes
    8) Her life goal is to be on a reality show
    9) Her favorite tv personalities are Frankie and Neffe

    • InnocentTruthIsBack

      Pointless argument as this is a black website. This site does not post articles other than those that pertain to black folks. Just like People Magazine and US Weekly most post articles dealing with white Americans and celebrities. Come back with a better argument.

      • Tracy

        No your arguement is pointless. This article doesnt even state a specific race its about men in general. We know EVERYTHING'S unfair to the black man. Black women are always picking on u. You are way to sensitive. Not every article pertains to you!

    • Likewater4choc

      The above article is intended for those it applies to. For instance, none of what you said in response applies to me, so I don't take offense to it. But I do know women whom these things apply to.

      "…..I'm starting to believe Lashaun and her female supporters are closet homosexuals. This would explain the tone and intent of her articles."

      This is spot on because I was beginning to think that from the tone, content, sensitivity, and outright needless defensiveness of most of your responses to articles that YOU were a closeted homosexual.

      Go figure.

    • Jay

      If the article was called "8 Signs Your Woman Isn't Ready To Grow up" you would not be complaining.

    • Johnathan

      I likey!

    • Anna

      I agree with all of those except number 6. Have you taken a step in the economy? People lose jobs as quickly people lose skin cells.

      The woman that still lives at home may simply be there to help out with the family and saving up to get her own place. Just like men are doing so, women are as well so 😛 on that logic.

    • Anna

      Wah wah wah… Obviously this strikes a nerve…

  • Juliemango

    #7 is a sensible1!!!