Madame on the Street: Should You Stay Together for the Kids?

June 24th, 2011 - By Veronica Wells

Your relationship has been sour for a minute, you were just thinking about running for the hills when you discovered you were pregnant. (Insert expletive of your choice here.) What should you do? While you want your child to have both parents in the home, you can’t stand his or her father! Should you suck it up and try to make it work or proceed as you had initially planned?

See what the people of New York had to say about this one.

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  • kim

    iam in this now well i have four kids and miserable now i really am weighting my options now try to find a lawyer so i can start divorce papers i hate to do this my kids but iam very unhappy

  • Marge

    NO! It’s more harmful living in a bad relationship than it is to move on. Children want parents to move on because it’s as abusive for the children as the adults that are involved. GO…LEAVE……You will thank yourself later.

  • http://twitter.com/kateowlhearted @kateowlhearted

    My parents divorced when I was 10. From the time I was 6 until they divorced I was an extremely unhappy and anxious child because in my house there was always tension. After they got divorced it was MUCH better, after living apart for a year they were friendly with one another and still successfully co-parented me. After a few years of being divorced they became friends and are still very good friends to this day, they just couldn't live with one another. I think the best thing you can do is make an environment that is as stress-free as possible for the children and if that means separating or divorcing then so be it. At the same time, I think you need to make a reasonable effort to try and work out your differences either before or after you separate/divorce so you can co-parent peacefully. But most importantly is making sure that BOTH parents are in the child's life.

  • Isaiah H

    I believe we have changed the definition of what "getting along" means. If you can go through life without disagreements and arguments then I would say that you are not living. It is how we respond to adversity that is the determination of success, especially in a marriage. Define first why you are married, then define why you want a family. If your definitions match then proceed on. Except in the case of an purely abusive spouse (person), we must all try to "learn" what it is that makes our spouse tick and what it is that ticks them off; Nurture the first, manage the second. Lastly, maintain honest and good friendships within and outside of the relationship; never expect your spouse to be your everything nor should you ever try to be all things in a marriage. In the case of children, every experience is a lesson- as a responsible parent you must work towards an honest resolution to ever problem. When things are disagreeable in a marriage, talk to your children so that they will not be left to make sense of the unrest on their own.

  • seek2027

    Absolutely not two people should stay together because they want to not because of their kids. If you chose to do it because of the kids know that you will be miserable

  • Military Brat

    No I would not and did not stay in my marriage for my kids. When I came home from deployment my ex started to act stupid and thought that I was supposed to bend over and kiss his ass. Well that wasnt goin 2 work 4 me. I tried 2 make it work but when that didnt happen i filed for divorce.

    I had a choice to make in my marriage to either stay for the kids in hopes that things get better and take some things from my ex that I usually wouldnt accept from him or pray that God will take care of , and look out for me and my girls. I chose the latter. My girls know that my ex and I love them but it wasnt good for us to be together and they have accepted that. Everyone is happy and that is what matters to me.

  • Savannah

    Being a child that was born when my parents were going through a hard time (they got divorced a little over 2 years later), I don't think you should stay together for the child Just because you are separating or divorcing doesn't mean that the child won't have both of the parents in their life. Both of my parents are in my life and they are still cordial to each other and talk on the phone from time to time, just to catch up on each other's family (who still keep in touch, as well). I never thought they were going to get back together and now that my mom is remarried, it's not gonna happen.

  • Wendy

    If i was in this situation i would try to work it out, get marriage couselling, i would want my kids to have two parents together, i personally dont like the fact of saying "ur goin to your dads this weekend" i want us to be a unity and i would sacrifice for my kids because i love them and i want they to have a good family life.

  • Kayla

    It's a messy situation, kids can sometimes tell when their parents hate each other. Don't act like they don't see you arguing behind closed doors, or the fact you guys sleep in separate beds. To stay together and to no stay together is a lose-lose situation. At least talk to your kids and tell them that it's not their fault and sometimes married people fight, and that mommy and daddy will always love them.

  • ElaMinowpea

    My parents have been together for over thirty years…… Sounds good, right? But believe me, it was everything but…. My parents very rarely got along and were quite unhappy whenever they were in the presence of one another… Because I was the only child in the house at the time, I was automatically put in the middle… If I was with one parent too long, the other parent would be mad at me…. And this went on until I moved out at 19 years old….Now I'm in a situation where my child's father and I are separated but living together for her sake…. We are always at each other's throat and my daughter sees every bit of this…. Though I want to teach my child patience and tolerance, I don't want her to take crap…. Sometimes I worry that later in her life, my daughter will feel guilty, that " mommy could've had a happy life if it weren't for me"….. if I stay in a situation that's unhappy….. Believe me, I think it's more important to have parents that are happy opposed to parents that are just "together"………

    • Ruby

      I'm that child you talk about. Leave the relationship. My mother stayed with my father all but for the four months she lived with me. By that time her health was failing. She should have left my father long ago. He told me when I was small he stayed because of me. I was too young to say "Please Go." Now, that I'm married to a very good and kind man I know I could never stay with an emotional abuser. Get out of that relationship now or 20 years from now your child will be in the SAME predicament as you. BREAK the cycle. You owe it to yourself, your mother and most importantly your precious child. Good luck.

      • ElaMinowpea

        It's a hard row to hoe Ruby but I have have a plan and it's in the works, not now, but RIGHT NOW….. Thank you for your encouraging words…..

  • Benita

    No, I don’t believe two people should stay together for the kid(s). There will be tension and even if you never argue and/or fight in front of them, they will still sense that something’s not quite right. I actually think it’s more damaging if you are just hanging around because you think “it’s the right thing to do” and not because you are genuinely interested in making it work. If you are able to be adults and co-parent successfully, your kid(s) will be fine, whether you guys are actually together or not.

  • http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Christelyn

    You know what I find ironic? The one non-black person (Asian), who happens to come from a race with the highest marriage rate and lowest out-of-wedlock rate, that happens to be one of the most successful and prosperous, says that parents should SACRIFICE for their kids. That's something to ponder upon.