The Nice Guy: Is He really losing?

June 23, 2011  |  

Do nice guys finish last or are some of us just dumb (myself included)? We all know the Lauren London’s of the world need a thug in their life and nice guys are more similar to the articulate 2pac than the thug life, gun toting, soldier Pac (gotta love his versatility). I’m not even sure I know what a nice guy is anymore, lately to be a good man you just have to have all your teeth, some education, a decent job and don’t act like Chris Brown (remember when Chrissy Pooh was a nice guy). I’m convinced that some nice guys get the best and last laugh and some dumb guys get that woman we all hear about; she cheats on him, treats him any kind of way, you know the women we all love to hate. But with this being such a popular saying I have to ask is the nice guy/gal finishing last or do they have horrible judgment when it comes to picking a mate?

We’re going to have to highlight a few different categories of the nice guy in order to not over generalize the male species. First we have the pseudo nice guy. Yup, he’s good looking, hard working, educated and loves his momma but he wasn’t always so nice. He ran through his fair share in college and broke enough hearts even if not intentionally. He finally decides to settle down and what do you know, he finally meets his match, Mrs. Unintentional, and she wipes the floor with my brother. All the women who watched it happen curse that woman’s name “how you gonna do a good man like that, there’s barely any left and you’re going to mess that ish up”. But this nice guy didn’t finish last; he simply got what was coming to him. Karma is a —–!

Next we have the stupid nice guy. This brother lacks common sense and glasses because he never sees the trifling bs that comes his way. We call these fellas the “I’m just happy to be here” brothers. They are so insecure and enamored with beautiful women who give them the time of day that they are just happy to be along for the ride. They often find themselves getting cheated on, disrespected verbally and emotionally yet they still want to stick around. Basically, the woman chumps him and one day just decides hey boo “you’re great and all but sayonara” and who wouldn’t leave someone they can’t respect. Now he’s so sick of love songs and all that jazz and the chorus of women come around again about how dope “corny dude” is and how wack the woman was. Nope, the good guy doesn’t finish last; this good guy was just dumb.

Lastly, we have a real nice guy, a good man. A down brother, down for his community, down for empowering his sisters, good job, all his teeth –the works. But the brother was misled. He thought he made the right choice in choosing this woman but she was just putting on a facade. She wasn’t who she was pretending to be and in her pretending he fell in love with her possibility. When she breaks his heart we all feel sad and say “damn another brother scorned by a no good woman”. But fear not, that brother didn’t finish last; he would have finished last had he stayed with someone who was masquerading as someone else. No that brother finished first because he has the opportunity to go out and find his true-life partner, real love.

The same goes for women. Some get done dirty because they have it coming to them. Others make the same poor judgments time and time again. And some of y’all are better off because getting out of a fake relationship gives you the opportunity to be patient and find what you truly are looking for. If we’re nice we might finish last, when we’re good we eventually find what’s meant for us, it just requires some patience.

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  • datninjadude

    Women are allowed to like thugs/players/bad boys if they want to, if those are the men that turn them on. I certainly don't want anyone telling me what I should find attractive in a woman and I ain't about to tell women what they should want in a man. All this talk about nice guys being overlooked is pure baloney. Men approach and women choose to accept or reject.

    If you're a "nice guy" and a woman ain't feeling you–move onto the next woman. And if she ain't she feeling you–move onto the next one until you find one that digs you. It ain't rocket science. The real problem with nice guys is that they don't accept the fact that love and dating is a numbers game. You have to be prepared to deal with a fair amount of rejection to get the prize you're after. Say what you want about the bad boys/players but they put in the work required to get want they want and they will holla at 40 women to get three numbers.

    • That's part of the problem, though. It IS a game. You do have to put in work. You do have to make it a priority. The brother putting in extra time at the library, or seriously building his business/career has other priorities. I'm not saying they have room to complain, but this needs to brought up whenever some professional women complain about not finding Black men "on their level."

    • D Lawrentis

         Speaking for nice guys ( we call ourselves “good men”) ,Mr. Datninjadude, please give us the magic number of women who reject you before you finally say, “You know something, I think I’ll head for Thailand where the young lady will talk to me, dance with me without these games and stupidity. Please give us the magic number!

    • Joel Anderson

      Thugs/playas put in the work because they HAVE to. Most of these lames have nowhere to live if they get kicked out by their current girlfriend. That’s why thugs cheat so often: if they get dumped, hopefully he can go live with a woman he burned in the past if she’s still stupid. So they set up a new girlfriend while they’re still on the current one. She finds out, dude gets kicked out and moves in with his fallback…and starts working on a fallback from HER.

  • Brodie

    My ultimate beef is the sense of entitle these "Nice Guys" have. Being educated, being a decent human being, responsible with with finances/resources etc benefits the him the most, so why are these guys acting like they deserve sexual a/o romantic compensation for living the lifestyle most regular people live. Don't get me wrong there are ladies like that too. But they want to dictate what women should be attracted to and what is really telling is how these "Nice Guys" always seem to qualify themselves in the process.

    • brian k

      I understand what are you are saying but you have to understand that it is hard to do the right thing especially as a young black man. So when you do the right thing and live the right way and you see that it actually harming you in some ways (love life, clowned by others etc) then as a young person you feel like maybe you shouldn't be doing the right thing. This is a young mans perspective, so please respect it even if you don't like it.

      Also i will say that many nice guys get annoyed because women say there are no good nice men out there and that is what they want, when in reality they will not give you the time of day unless you have cash. I had a good friend say to me the other day ( a beautiful sister who is older than me but still young) that she doesn't like conservative nice guys unless they are rich. She was agreed with by others. But guys do it as well. We say we want a nice girl but we really want a hot chick.

  • grant chill

    There are alot of women out there who expect the man to set the tone for everything. The days of equal partnership are long gone. I learned from watching "The Dog Whisperer" that you have to be the "pack leader" in your relationship or a woman won't respect you just like a dog won't respect you. The Nice Guy only wins if he has a good job and/or alot of money and that's primarily something you see among other races. A nice black guy with a good job and alot of money still isn't guaranteed to get the best girl. Sistas still want that swagger and sense of style and will put up with an unemployed playa/thug before settling down with a "Poindexter" brotha. They still haven't learned you can't change a man. That's why so many sistas ain't married and so many brothas who prefer NO DRAMA marry white, latina and asian chicks.

    • Freebirdie

      Are we really picking up dating tips from the "The Dog Whisperer"? lol

  • mich

    I'm telling you! The things you might look for in a partner are easy to write on paper, but in reality you meet someone who's not really what u had in mind but you mesh so well and I dont just mean physically with sparks flying etc but real-life compatibility/ comitted relationship kinda vibes. Not saying you should throw away all your requirements or 'lower yoour standards' per say, but I prefer to go by feeling i.e the ''vibe'' u talk about.. 🙂

  • MSC

    Instead of saying good luck, I'll say "God Bless" you both. Sounds like you've found what most seekers desire: love, like and appreciation. I continue to be hopeful to find the same and be open to it when I am in the presence of possibility.

  • real talk

    @Jaye and Bismark man, excellent posts. i agree 100%.

  • Jaye

    Nice people in general just get overlooked a lot. Guys want the girls that are manicured from head to toe & have some level of attitude. Girls want guys with swag who aren't afraid to approach them. Nice people are reserved, sometimes shy and hope to attract people based on something more than whats external or immediately obvious. But with that, it does get harder to meet significant others because people are drawn to others who are instantly attractive.

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  • Bismark Man

    The key to being a "nice guy" and not finishing last is to hang onto your pride and dignity while remembering to always be a gentleman. Always remember to be the "man" in the relationship. Be fair and open but don't let yourself get played. Be aware when a woman is trying to run a game or "test" on you. Don't play the game. Put a halt to it when you suspect it's in effect. Once she knows you're onto her sh!t she'll either respect you more or leave you alone in which case you're better off without her but either way you leave with your dignity intact. And the real key is to be aware as soon as the bs first starts. If you allow her to set the tone of the relationship before you do, she'll always run over you and never respect you even when you do try to put your foot down.

    I had to learn this the hard way. I got played back in my 20s. I was in love with this woman and we were on the same page. However, she went to one of those charm schools in her last couple years of high school and really had her stuff together as far as career and love goals. She was also the youngest of six kids so she was very spoiled. She pretty much had her life planned and figured out at age 17. And she had alot of game with her. I wasn't that calculated and was just hoping for a love connection with a nice girl that might lead to something else. Like the text above said, I was happy to be with a pretty girl and she was def fine. But she was also domineering and very bossy even with her own friends and family. I used to call her "Whitely" like the Jasmine Guy character from "A Different World" because she was a southern belle and even resembled and acted like her. She hated that. But if you can imagine Whitely in your mind then you know exactly the personality I'm talking about. To make a long story short, for eight months, I let her run over me to the point that she just thought I was her servant and stud puppy more than her man. I didn't even respect myself anymore and lost interest in her. After we broke up, she expressed remorse and wanted to try again but I couldn't do it. She's the only girlfriend I ever wanted to punch in the face and I couldn't chance it. Ever since then, I changed my approach to women. I don't let snide remarks and insults roll off my back and get by me anymore. I used to avoid drama and confrontations that would ruin our evening or a good time on the town but especially with sistas, you have to come at it head on and squash all challenges that arise or you're on the way to getting played. Since I moved to S. Dakota five years ago, I've been with a nice woman who is glad to have a nice guy who comes home every day and doesn't hang out late unless we're together.

  • DJ1969

    Nice guys do finish last because they are the keepers! After running through a bunch of losers, especially when you are younger, and realizing that these guys are definitely not what you want, that nice guy usually ends up being the exact thing you wanted and needed all along. Sometimes, it takes for women to mature and go through a bunch of BS with some non-factor mofos before seeing that the nice corny guy is a prince compared to the others.

    • brian k

      So the nice guy has to sit and wait for you to run through a bunch of losers until you appreciate him when you are older and no longer as desirable as when you were younger. And he has to remain nice when waiting. Also i honestly don't believe a woman who liked bad boys when younger can all of a sudden spend the rest of her life with a nice guy. She may get tired of bad boys and have a relationship with a nice guy to have a break, but i honestly doubt she will stick with you for 10 plus years in marriage because you are not really her type.

      • DJ1969

        I didn't say the "same" nice guy. What I meant was that women begin to rethink the TYPE of man she wants. Some women may need a bad boy for excitement, but a lot of women get tired of the bad boy and his antics as she gets older, realizes what's important, and what she wants out of a relationship.

        And excuse you? What makes you think that because a women is older she is no longer desirable? I know plenty of older women who will run circles around young girls and get hit on by young guys all the time.

  • justme

    Nice guys do not finish last, just stay in the race until the mature, respectable, nice, classy lady recognizes your worth.

    The nice guy in high school wanted me but he lacked "thugness" so I passed over him. Now 13 years later he is still that nice guy, but now I value his worth and I spend my days making sure he is happy.

    Remember the race is not given to the swiftest, but to those who actually finish!

  • Sogee

    Nice Girls also finish last. Guys tend to go for the girls with the short skirts and revealing shirts. Yes, I have had boyfriends. But I've had guys especially Black, Asian and White guys actually appreciate me, but yeah I've had black guys say I'm too boring. I mean I'm really shy yes, but I know what their talking about. Though I have big boobs I don't show cleavage, show them off and most of the time I wear pants so they don't like that and I'm not willing to have a one night stand unlike a lot of people. Anyway Nice Girls finish last more than Nice guys and that is the truth.

    • Not revealing clothes, but we do like women who have decent figures (not the deformed, oversized butts or overweight builds that ghetto dudes call “thick”). If all the nice girls are overweight, then that would explain why they’re being ignored by the nice guys. They look like thug bait, aka easy pickings due to low self esteem about their bodies. Girls with bad attitudes are usually slim, in shape, and are overall physically attractive and know it. They know a nice body will cause a man to ignore their attitude…for a while, anyway.

  • Kayla

    This article is dumb.

  • GOAL Digger

    Nice guys with backbones (operative term here) do NOT finish last. Push overs DO.

    • L-Boogie

      Yes, back bones. So many come off as punks. When it comes down to it, does a woman want a man that is not going to stand up for her? Answer: HELL NO!

  • Yawn

    This article is BS – just a rehash of all the other BS articles out there.