We’ve all had those conversations with friends and others about our expectations for a first date. If a man is pursuing us and asks to take us out, it is usually assumed that he will pay for that outing. But as the first handful of dates go by and a pair gets to know each other better, when should a woman start contributing something to the bill? Yeah, that’s not a conversation we have often, especially not with the people we are dating.
But according to a study presented by the American Sociological Association, after surveying 17,061 unmarried and heterosexual men and women in 2013, the study found that men want women to pay for dates from time to time. However, they are often afraid to say so.
The specifics stated that 84 percent of men and 58 percent of women said that in their dating situations, men paid for most dating expenses. About 39 percent of women hoped that guys would not ask them to chip in, and in fact, were bothered when men “expected” them to contribute. However, 64 percent of men felt that a woman should pick up the tab sometimes, but 76 percent said they felt “guilty” if they made their wishes for shared responsibilities known. Still, a surprising 44 percent of men said they would STOP seeing a woman who never tried to pay for dates.
And that’s where today’s scenario comes in. A young lady by the name of Denise says she thinks a guy she was interested in may have fallen off the radar because she wasn’t stepping up to help him with the cost of dates. The pair had been dating for about three months, getting to know each other better, when they went to check out some live music. While at this event, they went to the bar to get drinks, and as they stepped up to order, she asked for her drink of choice and then proceeded to try and create conversation, asking about the guy’s day at work. As he pulled out cash to pay the bartender, he answered her question. However, he was a little shorter than usual with his response. Come to find out, he was irritated with her. He told her that it would be nice if she chipped in to help out with the logistics of their dates from time to time. According to her, he told her that while he doesn’t expect her to regularly come out of her pocket, he would appreciate if she could pick up the tab occasionally. Offer to at least buy drinks or even split the tab sometimes. He stated that while he may pick up the tab even after she asks, it would just be nice if she at least attempted or pretended that she cared to chip in sometimes. As he pointed out, “it’s been like three months” and he was still going it alone on the bill.
They didn’t argue about it, but Denise didn’t understand why he didn’t just outright ask her to chip in before if he was irritated by her lack of financial contributions. According to her, he stated that that’s the point: He hoped she would have tried to offer after three months. “It’s the right thing to do.”
But Denise felt that he was making a mountain out of a molehill. Considering that he had pursued her for some time before they even started dating, she was expecting him to pick up the tab consistently. However, after their conversation, she told him that she would think about his grievances and see what she could do about sharing the tab in the future.
Still, as a handful of dates came and went, Denise paid for drinks maybe twice at the max. She thought she was doing what he said was right. And yet, the guy started calling less and less to take her out. Weekly outings turned into bi-weekly dates, and to date, she actually hasn’t heard from homeboy since late last month. She’s over it.
“I’m just wondering if it’s about him wanting me to help out more. I mean, I was trying.” But alas, it may have been a little too late.
When I first started seriously dating in New York, I went through a similar issue. I just assumed (because I didn’t date much in the past) that men picked up the tab. All the time. They wanted to take us out, so why wouldn’t they? It wasn’t until the guy I plan to marry informed me that I should help out a little that I was given the memo that men don’t like to go it alone. Since then, I’ve always offered on dates to go Dutch or cover outings that were my idea. And even though my spouse rarely allows me to pay at this point, he just appreciates the gesture. And I think it lets him know that he is appreciated. And I think that’s what it’s all about. Some guys may feel like you’re taking advantage of them or getting a free ride if you never even open your mouth to offer. Or worse, they may feel as though you think you’re entitled to all of what you’re receiving.
Honestly, occasionally picking up the tab, paying for movie tickets or buying drinks, after months of getting to know someone, really isn’t that much. Especially if the other party has been doing it all alone, all along. Because as one man put it, “I want a partner, not a child…”
But as always, that’s just my opinion. Do you think it’s petty that this guy may have ditched Denise because she wouldn’t chip in more? When should you start chipping in?
Oh, and in case you were wondering, according to that aforementioned study, four out of 10 men and women said that dating expenses were usually distributed evenly within the first month. But about 74 percent of men and 83 percent of women said that by the sixth month, they really started working together…
