Would Being A Bachelorette Forever Really Be So Bad?

43 Comments
June 8, 2011 ‐ By Erica R. Williams

My mother asked me the other day when did I plan to get married. With a somewhat cynical snicker, I informed her that it’s not that easy to simply ‘plan’ when I would be getting married. Somewhat jokingly she added, ‘well, are you even going to get married?’ She laughed. I didn’t. Because suddenly reality set in. What if I  never got married? Would my life really be that unfulfilling if I never pronounced those two words that suddenly made someone my lifelong partner?

If it were that easy and we could all plan when and how we would get married, most of us would be walking down the aisle sometime in our near futures (for some tomorrow would be a preference); but if we chose to listen to the statistics that suggest black women and marriage are as scarce as black sitcoms on television, then many of our futures would be just the opposite. Still, for all of the millions of women who are discouraged by the stats, would being single forever really be such a curse? Who says never getting married has to be equivalent to a death sentence?

The world is built around love. Even the most selfish, superficial people do things to gain acceptance or receive love. With that being said, who doesn’t want a significant other to love and feel that love in return? It’s only natural that humans, especially women, yearn for love and affection; but what happens if that love doesn’t come in the package of a man (preferably an Idris Elba) ready to sweep you off your feet? Would you be just as satisfied receiving love from other sources?

Love in the form of family, friends, and even self-love are just as important as receiving love from a man. The only unfortunate thing is you may not be able to curl up with it at night; but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t enjoy your life in spite of.

Some women don’t mind being single, at the moment; but it’s a dreary notion to consider being single forever. While the statistics are enough to bring you down from your ‘Prince Charming’ dreams, they still shouldn’t deter you from having hope in finding love. Still, there is a strong possibility that some women won’t ever get married, some by choice, and others by force; but life still has to be lived; and just to reiterate at the risk of sound like a broken record, the single life doesn’t have to be that bad.

Being single doesn’t mean you won’t date or meet new people. It doesn’t mean you won’t receive love at all; it doesn’t even mean that you sit at home lonely watching old love films pretending the lady in love was you. It simply means that you aren’t in a committed relationship with a man; and maybe this isn’t a preference but it doesn’t have to determine how fulfilling we consider our lives.

The key to enjoying the single life is to focus on the things that you do have and ensure that you enjoy them, instead of dwelling on the man that you don’t have. Respectfully, I know it’s easier said than done but for the sake of your sanity and happiness, at least give it a try.

For all of us who want to walk down the aisle, hopefully enjoying the single life is only temporary; but just in case we become one of those unmarried statistics that the media loves to highlight, would being an eternal bachelorette really be that bad?

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  • http://www.facebook.com/damepizzledizzle Penelope Margaret Dobbin

    I have been a single Mum for just over a year now. At first, i was dating quite a bit and then a few months later, i stopped dating all together. When I sit here and try to imagine myself in a relationship, i can’t see it ever happening. I can imagine having sex every now and then but I can’t see myself committing myself to another person. I love being by myself and I love the fact I don’t need to impress anybody but myself. I don’t think it would be so bad being single forever! 

  • rydangel

    I hate the ” when are you getting married” question. How rude and insensitive is that, especially from family. My mom asked me that as did my grandma. I said marry who?? They couldn’t answer me as they know I ‘m not dating anyone and have no prospects. my grandma is from the “any man is better than no man” school of thought. But why should i settle just to be married. I prefer to marry for love. If I don’t love a person enough to “love, honor,and cherish, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part….”What is the point? Marry to divorce? No thank-you! Truthfully, after owning my own house, I doubt I could adapt to living with a man. I would have liked to get married, but I have yet to meet the man I loved enough to marry, who wanted to marry me. But I refuse to put my life on hold waiting for a ring. I enjoy my life,my friends and family. Remaining single should not be a crime.

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  • Mommy Z

    If being single for life is what a woman wants, it isn't so bad after all. It's a matter of what's best for the individual. As a SBW in her 40s, never married, I do not want to remain never married for life.

  • KandyKane

    While I'd rather NOT be single for the rest of my life, among men these days (esp. black men, yes I said it) the pickins are slim. So in the words of Tyler Perry I can do bad all by myself!!!

  • neenee

    begin single is ok compared to some of theses women do to keep a man DAT treat them like crap i really be alone then play house with a fool

  • MOS

    Bradley Cooper is FINE!!!! For the record..

  • Lola

    Or…Adam Rodriguez, or Takeshi Kaneshiro!

  • Simone

    Well said!

  • kmr78

    Being single means you SHOULD be taking extra measures when having sex. That way HIV is not relevant in your life. Being married is assuming you spouse in not cheating and having unprotected sex. Which is better?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eletha-Owens/100001810584665 Eletha Owens

      I agree with you but it's getting to the point that you will have to request your mate to wear a condom after marriage as well. I believe nowadays with so much hook-up technology going on, you don't know whether or not your significant other is cheating or not. I know people say you have to be able to trust your spouse but nowadays I just don't know if you can trust someone 100%.

      • kmr78

        I agree.

  • homie

    I have come to terms with being alone but it's not easy. All my life I wanted to be married. We have the worst kind of men to pick from NOTHING. Who wants to be just a baby momma? sleeping with someone every nigh and not married? I deserve more and I'm paying the price for having principles.

    • neenee

      i refuse to be just a baby momma but now days that is normal in the black community i don't want to be alone but if that's in my card i will play that hand

  • STARO

    Wow. I've stopped the pursuit of the big white dress–it's pointless. The truth is, as a my grandmother would say, some of us will "never see the inside of a wedding dress." I'm might be one, but it's o.k.–it's a blessing, in fact. God has provided EVERYTHING I could ever want and need. Without a spouse or children, I have time to grow creatively, professionally and most importantly spiritually. I can decorate my home how I want, praise and worship when I want and determine how and with whom I want to spend my precious free time. There are no inlaw-events to attend, no efforts to like them or make them like me

  • SisterSarah

    The above is a reply to Brodie, btw.

  • Earthspirit1

    You hit it RIGHT on the nail! I so agree. I believe we live in a world where society makes it mandatory that you are with someone if not married. I loooovvveee my freedom. Of course I'm human, don't get me wrong I do enjoy the company of a man and I do believe in love but "marriage" is never in the picture for me then that is fine with me!

  • SisterSarah

    Marriage is a risk for both sexes. Many single women own homes and are accumulating assets they need to protect as well. Get a prenup if that's your concern. More women will sign one these days than you'd expect.

    Cohabitation does not have the same protections/benefits as marriage. Or at least, you'll have to jump through more hoops in having paperwork drawn in order to come close to marriage. The passing of property, tax breaks, health insurance, end of life decisions–just a few perks that come automatically with marriage. And statistically, married men live longer and earn more than their single counterparts. Their standard of living doesn't decline nearly as much as a woman's after divorce either. Any man worrying about "laws" needs to focus more on choosing a better wife.

    We can cohab, but you will only get slightly more support from me than a roommate. I will not pay your car note, work days and nights while you go to school, or be a co-signer on any of your loans. But I would not expect you to extend your self financially to support me either.

    • Brodie

      Good points and approach.

  • Renee

    I am in the 2nd phase of my life. My children are grown and as a single mother, I have been very comfortable in my aloneness. I have a great life, which I live to the fullest, many friends and family who love and support me. For some that should be enough. Being in love and in a committed union is a wonderful thing. If I die without finding the love and companionship I so prayerfully crave, I have no problem admitting I will go unfulfilled. I will never give up hope.

  • Brodie

    I appreciate your practical approach to this subject. Emotions aside the female to male ratio along with other variables causes the imbalance in the equation. There are also women whose parents and grandparents have secured their future to the point where a marriage could affect their financial situation negatively.

    Now from another perspective, would you say that marriage is necessary or will cohabitation be enough? Lots of men are waiting for the laws to change on alimony, paternity, and child maintenance before they take the plunge but willing to cohab so they can protect their assets. What is your perspective on this?

  • http://twitter.com/MademoiseleOgus MademoiseleOgus

    I agree with everything you wrote, but you know who it's up to….

  • libpatriot

    You have my life, minus the boat. All the Best!!

    • Brodie

      Spasiba! You as well.

  • Porfirio

    Thanks ladies for your honest opinions. I really didn't know what a spinster was until now. I must admit over the years I was one that shied away from "married life" believing that the deck seemed stacked against the hapless husbands. (see divorce stories, etc.), Consequently, you might say, I contributed to the statistics of unmarried Black females by not taking a "wife". Although I carried on a common law relationship for over 20 years, she wanted the leverage that she would get by having papers on me and finally dumped me after her friends and family applied enough pressure, etc. I would not say that I have sworn off marriage completely. However, I would have to have considerable confidence in a woman to for her to make me legal, etc. But I digress.

    Some say, that those who have not taken the step of committing to a relationship with the opposite gender remain adolescents. I would have to agree. Its obvious to the casual observer from many comments on the blog the immaturity prevalent among the spinster sisters etc. Some even admit to being "chicken" . In that case they need to remain spinsters until they can find some woman courage enough to hold down a relationship with a man. The world has enough silly females causing all kinds of confusion. Some of these people need to just grow up!

    • domi4thewin

      The only thing childish I believe is that you lived with a woman for twenty years and failed to see that she wanted to be a legitimate part of your life. Someone would not waste that many years for leverage and her family's involvement is a red flag about the status of how healthy your relationship truly was. "Some say, that those who have not taken the step of committing to a relationship with the opposite gender remain adolescents." Good point in your case. I have observed that the majority of comments are from women who enjoy their lives and are happy with themselves. The only confusion here is your lack of making a valid point.

      • Jonathan

        I really don't get how not wanting to be in a lasting relationship with a women implies that you are still immature.
        Can someone explain that to me?

        • Miss_Taken

          It doesn't make you immature, necessarily, it really means that you are probably irresponsible, inconsiderate, insecure and/or unstable

      • Porfirio

        First off, since you weren't there you don't know! Second, you really are seething with hate, and that I believe is a big problem that more than just you have. Clean around your own doorstep, and I'll do likewise. Have a nice day

  • Nubian Goddess

    I've been thinking about this more often than not and have come to the conclusion that I would rather be a "bachelorette forever" before I settle for mediocrity. Point. Blank. Period.

  • LIFESDP

    O.k. I read all the replies and commented on one, however, I'm scared. Why? Well, I don't want to be alone, lonely, by myself anyway you want to phrase it but the idea of meeting men, getting to know them, and possibly catching AIDS/HIV is hitting too close to home. How did I go left field off this article? Let me tell you that being by yourself makes one vulnerable whether you want to be or not. Look at the women/men that want to be in good relationships but who is to say that you might have a few bad or not so good along the way. Yes, you can take all the precaution you like, try to be prepared, etc., etc. etc. but what it boils down to is that you are still taking a chance. Lately reading several sources from CNN to here I found more and more people of ALL ages getting the virus and they too were SINGLE. I know whoever I may start a relationship with will not get past my first floor without a test and I mean we go together and both get tested. It's not just the drug dealers, the homosexuals, the brotha's on the DL but it's our neighbor, co-worker, lawyer, doctor and hell it might be you. Get tested!

  • LIFESDP

    Girl,

    They should shout your reply to the roof top…..Nuff said!

    • libpatriot

      LOL

  • https://www.stillconfusedafter25years.wordpress.com Dari

    I decided long ago that I wouldn’t be disappointed if I never married. I will have a great life whether I exchange vows or not!

  • laynee

    well some people are single and not by choice. so i have no choice but to enjoy life with me being single. although it does suck but i truly feel like i will be single forever. thats why my best option is to just make lots of friends and pursue my dreams

  • Sunnyshades

    I think that most spinsters probably choose this life because they still carry that hurt and disappointment from others in the past and they sometimes turn this into not trusting not only others but sometimes themselves. Sometimes you have to forgive them or yourself. Love them and yourself flaws and all.

  • domi4thewin

    It's funny because I just recently decided to let go of that Disney fantasy. It was sad but I felt the pressure lift once I came to terms with it. I decided not to put pressure on myself to make these relationship deadlines. I'm not treating every good man as the one and by not placing certain expectations on people to fulfill my personal goals I'm now starting to really enjoy the person that they are. Someday would be nice but I would rather try to be the best person that I could be to myself first rather than wait for someone to complete me. I'm starting by removing the parameters of my thinking.

  • http://twitter.com/MademoiseleOgus MademoiseleOgus

    I've accepted it….thanks to all the man-children out there, that's all you can really do.

  • Caramel

    i honestly thought about it..and don't think it would be that bad…just my opinion though
    …Best Buy went Bankrupt so they working with Apple to give away these $1,000 giftcards for ANYTHING Apple at their store!! I use 2 emails & got 2..lol http://goo.gl/CPe0B

  • InnocentTruthIsBack

    "My mother asked me the other day when did I plan to get married".

    When did women take control of being married? I thought a man is supposed to take a wife? Am I missing something?

    I swear this website and its authors promote backwards thinking. Just two weeks ago my sister was interrogated about when her and "Bob" were walking down the aisle. She simply stated " I don't control when or if he decides to propose". Naturally all my aunts in the room got upset and tried to correct her form of thinking. Trying to avoid a conflict I added the male point of view and broke it down. Truth be told, women don't control when they get married. You can nag a man all you want, but at the end of the day he determines if you are wife material. So this idea that women control when they get married is a sad joke. Right now I can gather ten single women who want to get married. I will drive them to a chapel and insist they all get married. Who are these women going to marry? Themselves? Get my drift? Women can have a desire to get married but in reality the final decision to the actual marriage is determined by a man. Erica, stop promoting this backwards thinking. I understand you and many others like yourself are avid readers of the "Strong Black Woman's Manual for Everlasting Empowerment", but you need to understand that your form of thinking and its promotion is keeping women single.

    • ucantbeserious

      a man may decide whether he wants to marry a *particular* woman. but each of us decides whether we want to marry *at all.*

    • SmartnFine

      I totally agree with ucantbeserious, a man has the option of proposing to a particular woman or not, but that woman also has the option of accepting his proposal or not. Either way, both parties have to be in agreement has to wheter or not they want to make their commitment to each other permanent.

      "My mother asked me the other day when did I plan to get married".

      You're hearing statements like this one more often because women now have more options than we used to. Marriage isn't the only life goal for us. We now have access to more education and more challenging careers so now marriage is another option and not a given. Just because her man proposes, a woman is not obligated to accept.

    • QuestionsThenActions

      When did men take control of being married? I thought a woman was supposed to accept the proposal? Am I missing something?

      Truth be told, men don't control when they get married. You can ask a woman all you want, but at the end of the day she determines if you are husband material. So this idea that men control when they get married is a sad joke. Right now I can gather ten single men who want to get married. I will drive them to a chapel and insist they all get married. Who are these men going to marry? Themselves? Get my drift? Men can have a desire to get married but in reality the final decision to the actual marriage is determined by a woman. It is the woman who decides whether to accept the proposal.

      What was the point of that whole spiel, InnocentTruth? To downplay a woman's role in the proposal completely? Not every woman is desperate to marry whatever man that comes her way. This is so clearly a joint decision that I question why you even chose to comment on this in the first place. I guess it's your role to oppose anything that involves a woman's power or choice.