This Is Why You’re Single… The Fellas Edition

June 7, 2011  |  
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“Man! Dumped over a voicemail again!?!”

We believe in equal opportunity so while had a few pieces of advice for the women who’ve found dating to be a bit of challenge, we also want to provide that same type of help to our brothers (Notice the “er”. It signifies all races.) in the single struggle. If you’re cuddling a little too close to your pillow at night, pretending it has breasts here a few potential problems you might need to fix.

1- Women Are Females

You know what
2- Ex Girlfriend Baggage

We know she hurt you. And it sucks. But how long are you going to carry that around? Will the rest of the women you meet throughout your pathetic existence be forced to listen to how much of a tramp she was and how all women are the same? Just like men don’t want to deal with a bitter woman, we don’t want to deal with a bitter man. If you need to take some time to get her out of your head and system, go ahead and do that. And express your frustrations to your friends and not the women you’re trying to get to know.

3- You still live with your parents

Please don’t misunderstand me. There are some instances in which living with your parents can’t be avoided. If you were recently laid off, you have a 6 month grace period. If you’re still in school summers are for raiding your parents’ fridge. There are a few others; but otherwise is not a good look. Aside from enduring the headache parents inevitably present, it makes you look lazy and apathetic as all hell. Don’t you want something of your own?

4- You have N-wordish Tendencies

We all do at least one of two things that are certifiably n-wordish. (Even white people. We know ya’ll love to hear about them.) But if your life centers around acting a fool no woman in her right man is gonna want you. Sorry dear. I know this can be a little tricky so here is a brief (this could be a post of it’s own) list of some behaviors that are n-wordish. If you see yourself in just one of these, you might still be good, with the exception of the third and fifth one.

– You cut middle schoolers standing in line to buy Jordan’s at 6 in the morning.

– You spent your lottery winnings on a Benz when you know good and well you’re still living with your moms

– You don’t pay child support. Not because you don’t have it, you just spent it on those Jordan’s.

-You cash your entire check so you can post Facebook pictures featuring your stacks of dough

– You hate knowledge

5- Mommy Baggage

Whether moms didn’t hug you enough when you were growing up or your mom would low key marry you if she could get away with it, issues with the mother spell disaster in all future relationships with other women. Work it out.

6- You’re allergic to work

True Story: One day I sat next to a man on the train who told me a lot about himself in a very short period of time. I don’t know if he was trying to come at me or he just wanted to share this little tidbit of information. Either way, dude, who had to be in his early to mid forties, told me he once stayed up all night playing video games and called in sick to work the next day so he could spend the rest of the day playing said video game. He told his job, he’d had an asthma attack. *blank stare*

I’m not even going to get into all the glaring red flags in that story. It makes me tired. What I will say is you need to take your behind to work…faithfully. Nobody wants to go to work every.single. day but I need to see that you’re a responsible productive citizen of the world.

7- You’re thirsty…

…parched…dehydrated. Yes, I want you to want me but I don’t need you to be on that thirsty-swag shorty tip. That means I don’t want you to call four times 1o minutes after I gave you my number. It’s a privilege to get the digits, don’t abuse it. Plus you do a disservice to the next man we’re considering giving our number to.

8- Baby Mama Baggage

What can I say that hasn’t already been said about this potentially treacherous individual? It’s quite sad really because while you did consciously decide to procreate with her, you probably had no idea she was going to bring the drama the way she does. Sadly it’s something you have to get situated before you bring a woman with some sense into the mix.

9- You’re Too Hard

I’m not saying you need to be trying to beat my numbers when it comes to tear production; but, a thug tear every once in a while never hurt anybody. If everything about you is emotionally walled off, it ain’t gonna work. Show me something real. Receive that. Those are words to live by.

Ladies, you’ll notice there is no number 10…what should it be?

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