The old-school way of dating used to require men and women to call when they wanted to get to know each other better. The conversations, usually lengthy, would include chats about where each party came from, the things they like to do, and so on and so forth.
Or, in the words of the Notorious B.I.G., “Ask you what your interests are, who you be with/Things that make you smile, what numbers to dial…”
Anywho, if the conversation was to your liking, from there, a date would be arranged. If that date went well, you would have more phone chats and more dates. And if things continued to go well, you and the other person would eventually live happily ever after, and so on and so forth.
A pretty simplified version of a very long process, I know, but you get what I’m saying.
But with the introduction of cellular phones that can do just about everything, people don’t have to work as hard to get to know you. There is literally a feature on iPhones that allows you to record an audio message you can then text to whomever you choose, all in an effort to avoid calling.
Basically, ain’t nobody got time for that.
And while many of us have given up and realized that the best you will get from some people in the form of condolences, birthday greetings, and a post-introduction address is an emotionless text, others are having a hard time letting go of the traditional phone call, and won’t do so without a fight.
Enter my friend, Dene. In her quest to find Mr. Right, she, like a few of my other girlfriends, has decided to try her hand at online dating. She has gone on a few dates here and there but still hasn’t come across that feeling she is looking for. The feeling of butterflies in her stomach and an optimism about the future that you get from an hour-long conversation where you hit it off with a new guy. But that’s probably because the guys aren’t calling. They aren’t entirely abandoning her after a meal or two, but they would much rather text her instead of picking up the phone.
This drives her crazy.
One guy, in particular, is a pretty decent catch. He is a computer programmer with a good sense of humor. After two dates that went well, I asked her what she thought about him.
“I’m kind of over it. I mean, honestly. He just keeps texting me. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to have a long, drawn-out conversation over text message. That’s just silly. I try to tell him to call me when he can, and he just texts.”
I went on to ask her if she called him since she seemed so passionate about talking on the phone.
“I mean, yeah. I called him, and we talked for a few minutes. But he said he needed to call me back. When he finally got back in touch with me, he texts me trying to continue our conversation. I just don’t understand why guys act like they’re scared to pick up a phone nowadays.”
She felt so irritated about such behavior because Dene reguarly encounters it. One guy, who we’ll call Victor, met Dene at a birthday party and seemed enamored with her. But after receiving her phone number that evening, he lost it. He went to her friends, including myself, trying to track down her and her number. With her permission, I gave it to him.
This fool lost it again.
Eventually, they ran into each other at another soiree almost a year later. After previously being turned off by his struggle to keep her number, she decided to give it to him one mo’ gin. After all that back and forth, losing people’s digits and then scrambling to get them back, she was hoping he would have it together and truly put in work to pursue her.
Nope. He texted her just like Mr. Computer Programmer. The only difference is that when he did try to call, it was too early in the morning when she was sleeping, or late at night during booty call hours…
So after incidents like these, my friend has no patience for men who don’t know how (and when) to dial a woman’s number. Who instead of showcasing their personality over the phone, prefer to keep it as bland as possible, starting text messages with one word: “hey.” So yeah, while Mr. Computer Programmer was cool, her interested waned as more and more texts came through. She eventually stopped responding to them.
I’m always on the fence about stuff like this. I’m someone who hates talking on the phone. Blame it on the fact that my parents were always trying to get me to talk to some second cousin in Texas or elder in Nigeria when they were supposed to be on the phone. But I’m not crazy about texting either. Sometimes signals can get crossed, and all that LOL’ing can get phony as hell. But I find that once I’m comfortable with someone and I’m able to gauge that they’re not stale as an open box of Ritz crackers from in-person chats or an initial phone call, I can then get on the phone and talk with them about anything. It’s that type of intimacy that’s missing from all this damn texting. If you really want to get to know someone, a phone call is imperative. Some people like to hear the voice of the person they’re interested in before they go to bed. They want to laugh with you about some foolishness at work. They want to make plans that don’t involve an hour-long exchange of texts.
However, I’m well aware of the times we live in. All this technology has had a big impact on our communication skills. It’s so bad that when you sit at a table full of people for dinner, there will probably be a moment (or 10) where everyone is looking at something on their phone. Because of that, some people struggle to carry on phone conversations. And let’s be honest, there is much less pressure when you’re shooting the shit through texts. To me, that doesn’t necessarily mean someone who prefers this method of communication isn’t interested in you for real. They could be feeling you out before they call.
In any case, when it comes to dating, communication is necessary. Dene should have flat out expressed that she wanted him to call, if it were that important to her. And if he was clearly struggling with that, calling him (and keeping it up so he gets the hint) is always a great idea. And if down the line you realize that they don’t do so well on the phone, is that really something worth tripping about if they excel in other areas?
I don’t think the phone conversation is on its way out. I’m sure you would agree that people in relationships can get their Chatty Cathy on for hours with someone they love. But when you’re just getting to know someone, a little effort goes a long way. On his part (by calling to get to know her) and hers as well (stepping up to call when he doesn’t)…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. Is Dene being petty when it comes to texting vs. calling?
