Are Your Dealbreakers Realistic?

32 comments
May 23, 2011 ‐ By L. Nicole Williams

 

Dating is a means to an end; either you enter a committed, monogamous relationship or call it quits. When it comes to investing in relationships, it is important to know what you want and quickly weed out people who do not want the same things. Everyone has dealbreakers, things you are not willing to forgo (see your checklist).

Too often we waste our time with people that will never meet our needs. You want to get married; he’s hesitant. He wants to have children; you don’t. Life-altering decisions like marriage, children, career ambitions and religion are all valid reasons to dismiss potential partners. It is perfectly alright for Christians to seek out other Christians and Jews to prefer Jews. Conflicting religious beliefs are not easily overcome and tend to lead to more war than peace. Since they often dictate our sense of morals and values, it is a substantial dealbreaker that should not be overlooked because someone is super-Hot or wealthy.

However, some dealbreakers are totally ridiculous and the reason for chronic singleness. Wondering if your heart is grounded or in the clouds? Match your list of no-can-dos against these potential dealbreakers:

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  • Ally Mills

    I am 28 no kids, Bachelors, my own place and my own car. If I date a guy he must not live at his momma’s house and I’d rather he not have kids.

  • Sheri

    lol… he has problems that are more than skin deep.

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  • http://tastethethoughts.webs.com Miss Tasty Thoughts

    i refuse to date a fat dude….calll me what you want…….a

  • badmamajama

    I managed to make it to 24 without getting knocked up. I expect my partner to be able to properly use contraceptives as well. It's not hard. My deal breakers are more about attitude. I'd rather date a man with a child than a man who complains all the time.

    • http://tastethethoughts.webs.com Miss Tasty Thoughts

      i made it to 28…justa fyi…but kids arent the problem its the other parents that tend to be the problem.

    • Sheri

      It's all a matter of who it happens to, so before you judge others maybe you may want to understand the bigger picture. You'd be surprised at how many women I know that got an abortion but that were on birth control. And how many reproductive years do you have left in your life? hmmmm let's see… a lot….

  • Zoe Skkye

    Boils down to preference…as you grow and mature your mind should too..You never know who you may turn down because of these standards…Don't Lie, Don't Cheat, Don't Beat!! Anything else just depends on mood and where you are in life…personally, professionally, emotionally, spiritually!!! What does the heart say that the eyes refuse to see?

  • Chells

    I refuse to date a man with kids. I don't want my man to have that type of bond with another women.I don't have any kids, and I want me and my husband to share that experience together.

  • justkeLLz

    I was meeting your requirements until you got to the kid part, lol. But I completely respect the preference of men w/o kids wanting women without kids.

    • Jay

      In order to keep from coming too narcissistic it is important for both men and women to think more about what they are personally bringing to the table than what someone else is. Even from there, it is important that there is some degree of grace. Love forgives and seeks to uplift, rather than look down upon.

    • Zoe Skkye

      Your age explains your thinking….for that you get a pass!!! HAHA You have plenty of time to Grow and Mature…Peace

      • Sheri

        I agree! he has some growing to do.

  • grlsrock

    Ummm, sounds like you are stuck in the 80's or 90's. Didn't you see Beyonce's new video" Girls Rule the World"??? WE DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT WHAT WE WANT!!!!!

    Which means you'll need to come up with another excuse as to why NO one wants you!!!

    • just another guy

      come on, stop this nonsense, women don't rule the world, you know it, I know it, the whole world knows it .!! I do love my momma though lol.

  • ELLE

    Everyone is not attracted to the bad boy. Stop spreading this non-sense. You come on here and continue to bash women. Are you a male or female? Are you single? Do you like someone and instead of approaching that individual, you hide behind a computer and spell out your true feelings? You are not only poisonous to yourself but to others! Stop it with all the negativity and work your issues out!

  • Jay

    Ultimately everyone has their preferences. Some preferences have to do with vain attractions and others well thought out rationales. Whichever it may be, make sure you find someone you are attracted to in many ways, and love them for who they are without attempting to make them into something they are not or have no desire to be. Find what you like, commit to it intelligently, give and receive, and weather the storms that will come. Those should be your governing rules.

  • Maggie

    I understand that looking for a college degree may not render someone intelligent but the patterns b/n education and intelligence tend to be strong. It is not eaasy finding an uneducated person who has the intellect/conversation ability of someone who's vocabulary has been enriched with rigorous scholastic exercise. Unfortunately, the 'uneducated' guy will get boring. Mental stimulation is important for some women like me. I understand the author's attempt to open the minds of those finding love but once again I think it just seems that as a group, black people have to lower our overall standards in general to be with someone.

  • Coco

    @innocent truth…where did you get your 80% figure from..come on now that's laughable!! Chill out brother.

    • innocenttruth

      Statistical research studies conducted by the Office of Minority Health. Check out there website.

      • ExpressOpinions

        statistics are often unreliable given recognizing that statistics people present to us are frequently flawed doesn't imply that we can depend on anecdotes about individual cases or a few our own experiences. These are likely to be atypical of what happens in the world at large. Instead we should withhold judgment until we can get more reliable information about what is really going on.

  • nursedred

    @innocenttruth 80% of black women are not obese. That being said weight really shouldn’t be a deal breaker. I happen to like my guy a little fluffy. I’ve been married for almost 10 years and my husband has gained a good 50 pounds. instead of being repulsed by the extra weight I am now kind of a chubby chaser

  • divafab78

    Leave it LaShaun Williams to have some pure wackness for a list …AGAIN!

  • Repo22

    mine are very realistic…!…Uggs Giving Away Stuff After PETA called them out.. http://ow.ly/4ZEie to Get Consumers to Support them….haha got 2 pair!

  • everett552

    The number 1 dealbreaker should be mendacity.

  • honestfemale

    4, 5 & 6 are fine, but everything else is a dealbreaker :P

  • innocenttruth

    This article highlights the unrealistic standards of some women. The only options on this list than can be considered reasonable are numbers 2 and 3. The rest are superficial bullsh*t. I can understand women wanting to date a guy with a college degree, but as the author mentioned "a college degree does not always translate to money". I can attest to this firsthand as several of my friends are college educated and making less than blue collar workers. Furthermore, Ms.Williams highlights children out of wedlock as a deal breaker. How can this be a deal breaker for black women when they have the majority of children out of wedlock? Does Ms.Williams know how difficult it is to meet a 25-30yr old black woman with no kids? I live in Washington, DC and every woman I meet has at least one child. Even the single and independent professional women have a child or two. So I can agree with Ms.Williams on this topic as I have no interests in women with kids. I just find it funny that women with kids often apply this principle to men with children. And last but not least, Ms.Williams addresses the issue of weight. Someone please answer how black females can hold weight standards against men when 80% of black women are clinically obese? Over the weekend I attended a seminar in Orlando, Florida. And I have never seen so many fat women in my life! No disrespect, but I have never seen so many overweight sisters walking around thinking they were cute. And these women have the nerve to get mad when you don't want to buy them a drink! I don't like overweight women. I don't know any man who likes fat women. So how is it possible to disqualify men on weight when black women as a racial group are considered fat? Clearly, all black women are not fat. But the vast majority are. People need to get their standards in order. Women who subscribe to the items on this lists will remain single and lonely for a long time.

    • innocenttruth

      Please refer to the Office of Minority Health for statistics on overweight black women. I do not have the luxury of posting the findings conducted by the Federal Government.

    • Annelli

      I agree….if you want a "dime" it would probably be best if you are a "dime." Men and women on the dating scene today want way more than they are willing to give…..the woman wants to guy who the money, the house, the cars, yet she sleeps around, the guy wants the woman who looks like Kim Kardashian, cooks, cleans, and sexes him good in bed, yet he sleeps around or doesn't appreciate her. If I have to be single for the rest of my life..I will before I settle. Some of the things on the list are totally ridiculous…as long as a person isn't a serial cheater, a habitual liar, a thief, a person who lacks common sense, morals and values, a person who doesn't have a sense of who God is, a person who doesn't have kids all over the place, a person who doesn't have severe mental and emotional problems, then everything else can be worked out in my opinion.

    • Sheri

      I am 26, no kids, own my place, have a new car, I am also working on my master's degree I am overweight I am a good person, no serious character flaws and I am not crazy. I am also very beautiful inside and out and there are plenty of men that try to talk to me and I turn 90% of them down. Yes I do live in DC. Just because you and the people in your circle are not attracted to women that are "large" (in your opinion) does not mean that the women you saw are not attractive. Yes it is important for you to be attracted to your mate however would you rather be with a perfect ten that is not compatiable with you? Let's be realistic about this, the best person for you may have some "baggage", and you don't have control over whom you fall in love with. You may not even meet the "right person" until you're 40 and she may have kids.

    • Sheri

      Part #2 —I think you're also kind of shallow for saying that the big women were not attractive just because you or your friends are not attracted to them. But I guess it also depends on what's important to you. You could marry the perfect 10 and she could take out credit cards in your name and you don't know it until Uncle Sam granishes your wages, or the lady in MTV's "You're Cut Off" that didn't nurse her newborn son and hired someone else to do it. She wouldn't even get off her a$$ in the middle of the night to make sure he was taken care of. FREE ADVICE/This is what I look for: 1. Genuine Compatibility comes first (chracter flaws, outlook on life, sense of humor, communication, principles, and standards) 2. Intimate compatibility (I can't date a prude and I need someone that can bring some experience) 3. Looks ( I don't care if you wear a $5 Old navy t -shirt, you just gotta look good in it, and keep yourself well groomed) I hope this helps. Good Luck and God Bless.