Why Getting Back Together Feels Magical…At First
If you’ve recently gotten back together with an ex and feel like you’re floating on cloud nine, take a moment to come back down to earth. There are reasons why getting back together with someone feels magical…at first. But it rarely lasts.
It’s an instant relationship
Instead of having to wait to build intimacy like you would with someone you’re just getting to know, you can immediately find yourself right back in the middle of a full-blown relationship.
But it shouldn’t be
If you really want a new relationship with an old boyfriend, you need to treat it like a new relationship. You need to rebuild. You both need to earn each other’s trust by acting in new and better ways than you did last time.
You see couples reunite in movies all the time
And movies love to be all about confusion and miscommunication that breaks up a couple otherwise meant to be together. You probably like to believe you’re one of those couples.
But this isn’t a movie
News flash: No couple just “happens” to break up over one little “miscommunication.” People break up because they’ve been failing to communicate for months, or, in general, they are wrong for each other. No “aha!” moment has ever made an imperfect couple perfect for one another.
You’ve been lonely
If you’re getting back with an ex, it’s probably because you’re lonely. Nobody who is happy and healed goes back to exes. If you are at your ex’s front door, it’s because you’re not in a good place. So…anything will feel better than that place. Including being with an ex.
But that will fade
Within a few weeks, you will forget you were ever lonely and in pain, but all the same problems of being with this person will come back. You will realize that being with anybody (including an ex) is not better than being alone if that anybody is all wrong for you.
You have your routines
People are creatures of habit and routine. It’s nice to count on getting Chinese food on Thursday nights, having sex Sunday mornings, or walking through the grocery store hand-in-hand on Monday nights. Routines release some feel-good hormones.
Routines aren’t enough
The feel-good hormones of familiar routines are quickly trumped by the really bad feelings that come up when you remember that this person is all wrong for you. And the greatest Chinese food in the world is terrible with the wrong person.
You think he has changed
When a man wants to get back with you, there is excitement and relief because you think, Well, he must have learned from his mistakes. He wouldn’t want to get back together if he hadn’t realized that he needs to do things differently.” So you think you will finally get the man you wanted the way you have always wanted him.
He thinks you’re fine with how things were
Usually, if you take a guy back, he’s not thinking, I’m going to do things differently this time. Instead, he is thinking, Well, if she is taking me back that must be because she has realized she was okay with the way things were, and wants more of that. Prepare for disappointment.
Maybe he was lonely
Honestly, your ex might just be taking you back (or crawling back to you–however it went down) because you caught him in a moment of loneliness. And if you catch him there, at first things will feel great. He’ll be SO grateful just to have somebody that he will do any and everything you want.
That will also fade
But, once again, he will forget he was lonely and remember you’re not the one for him. You will lose that magical man who was worshipping you and it will hurt even more than the first breakup.
You have great sex
Makeup sex is incredible. It feels like you’re consummating some fateful love. And, it’s probably much better than the random sex you’ve been having with random people, which makes it feel meant to be.
You’re just familiar with each other
The sex just feels great because you remember what the other person likes. And, as I said before, because it’s much better than the sex you’ve been having. But, you’ll realize soon that good sex can’t cover up a bad relationship. And the more you talk and remember how wrong you are for each other, the less you’ll even want to have sex.
It’s all a temporary fix
It’s a temporary fix to relieve you of the loneliness, and save you from the string of bad dates you’ve been on, as well as the dry spell of sex—whatever. Usually, you get back with an ex because it seems better than whatever else you had going on in life. But being with someone because that’s less bad than being single isn’t a good reason to be with them at all. You want to be with someone because it’s a good thing for you. Plain and simple.