The title of R&B Divas: LA star Chanté Moore’s upcoming book poses a serious question: Will I Marry Me? In it, the thrice married singer shares the lessons she has learned in her relationships, all in an effort to help women avoid similar missteps when it comes to a love of self and partner.
While I have yet to read its pages, the book has already struck a chord with me. The second I heard the alluring title, a little voice in my head answered the question it poses with a resounding “No!” Being marriage-minded and being the thinker that I am, I wanted to explore the reasons why that response seemed to come so naturally, rather than one that was positive, reflecting the catch I know myself to be. I realized that knowing your worth doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to walk down the aisle. So was that “no” a genuine response alluding to issues I need to work on, or an admission of fear? And is it the fear of being eternally single, fear of rejection, or something else entirely?
When I think about some of the core qualities that I want in a partner – someone who is passionate about the life he’s living and one day hopes to live, loving, intelligent, and a man who does what he means and means what he says – I know that I embody many of those characteristics. That, to me, is a good sign. This future partner of mine doesn’t have to meet an arbitrary height requirement or make a certain amount of money that I don’t even come close to making. There’s nothing trivial, unrealistic or impossible on my “list.” He doesn’t have to be perfect – Lord knows I’m not. He just needs to be perfect for me. And if I can bring to the table the same traits and characteristics that I seek in the kind of a man I’d want to marry (and can accept my imperfections), then I think I’m on the right path. (It’s finding him that’s the hard part, but that’s a story for another day.)
I also have a beautiful example of what love – healthy, supportive, and honest – looks like thanks to my parents, who have been married for nearly 40 years. They’re the kind of couple that still walk hand in hand, and that make “happily ever after” look relatively easy. Although I’m sure they’ll be quick to admit it’s anything but. The biggest thing I’ve learned from them and other successfully married couples in my life is that marriage is a bending, malleable entity. Marriage is far deeper and much more complex than the simple sayings we’ve all been fed: “Never go to bed angry”; “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” etc. If these were the keys to a happy, lasting union, I’m pretty sure the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.
But back to the notion of malleability – not to the point where you compromise your morals, lose your identity or give so much to someone else that you have nothing left for yourself. I’m talking about being flexible and adaptable. Just like any relationship, marriage is chock-full of challenges you don’t anticipate. This is where I think I struggle on the whole question of whether or not I’d marry myself. Because I’m single, I can afford to be rigid. I can’t predict what any particular day will bring, but I know my plans from day to day (and I especially know how I feel when I have to change those plans.) I don’t have to consider anyone else’s thoughts, opinions or needs. I don’t have to consult with anyone other than myself when I want to go out or just do my thing. Simply put, I enjoy my independence, but I worry that I’ve been in this individual mindset for so long that I won’t know how to make room for someone else. And if I can’t make room for someone else, then how am I going to maintain a relationship, let alone one bonded by marriage? Who would say “yes” to that?
Now if that’s not fear, I don’t know what is. Here I am single as the day is long, and I’m pondering these (and many other) questions. Perhaps I’m a victim of my own over thinking, or I am placing too much importance on a simple one-word response that my brain generated upon hearing the question: “Will I marry me?” But I guess the point of Chanté Moore’s book is to make you ask yourself the hard questions. Better to do that now and before you end up marrying the wrong person, marrying for the wrong reasons, or a host of other problems you want to avoid or identify before saying “I do.” I’m looking forward to the read and hope I’ll learn a little something.
