7 Things You Shouldn’t Do after a Breakup

51 Comments
May 11, 2011 ‐ By Dr. Phoenyx Austin

Breakups can be a very difficult experience. You’re crying, confused, and your heart feels like it’s in a million pieces. It’s not called heartbreak for nothing. You’re trying to understand how someone who once said “I love you” could now just drop kick you in the chest. And because of all these intense emotions, sometimes we ladies will end up doing some pretty unhealthy or irrational things after a breakup.

I’m not saying that men don’t do unhealthy things as well. But I want to talk to the ladies right now. I know our emotional nature. We women love hard and we love long. And because of this, sometimes it’s hard for us to let go- even if we’re dealing with a man that doesn’t deserve our love. But when a relationship is over, you really have to let it go. Why? Because one, you have to trust that God or the universe has a better plan. Two, you shouldn’t waste time on someone who doesn’t recognize how fabulous you are. And three, the tile of “crazy stalker ex’ is never a good look.

So ladies when a relationship ends, just let it go. You and your ex broke up for a reason. So let it burn. Dry your eyes, straighten your back, lift your chin and keep it moving. Trust that the universe has something better in store for you- because it always does ;)  But while you’re waiting here are 7 things you shouldn’t do after a breakup.

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  • mohamed

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  • Observation

    It's hard to let go of something you felt was so worth while and committed too. However if you must let go, than just do so and move forward. Forget revenge, forget hate, forget blame because it's never really truly the person you are on the inside. Walking away isn't easy especially after so muct time hsa been invested. the entire relationship was not totally bad the entire time, was it?? If it were you would have left sometime ago, unless you had others reasons outside of love to try and work things out. In any case the high road is always the better road. No animosity or revenge necessary, your worth it, both of you, it just takes others a bit more time to realize what they had when the other is gone. Let time do it's job :-)) how many of us are the same people we were five years ago???

  • miss annoyed chic

    i broke up with an ex about a yr and 6 months ago, he acted like an arse after we broke up even though it was vastly his fault. he still thinks that i'm lusting after him to this day and to be honest i wouldnt care less. the guys out there who think that a woman will wait for about 3 years for him to have his fun and then get back with her .. has got to be delusional. thank god i got myself out of that one :) the guy i dated after that, lied to me about virtually everything but his date of birth and his name :| … i'm not losing faith, but gosh .. men just dont know how to be real, or kind anymore :| whats the deal with that ??

  • Kassy

    I've tried to give my friends this same advice before and they never listen. Great article & 100% true!

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    I am 73 years old man.never had anything to do with a woman/that could keep her pants up/any male that seemed her/could get her if they had the chanced.married three times myself/lived with another nine years/what happened she left while i was at work/stole my two kids/i found out she died in 2002 /oct /i belieave/was glad to find out she was dead/knowing she would never treat another as she did me.kids were born 6-2-1979/5-16-1980/both girls/have not seemed they since she stole them april 13-1986-can't find them-its belieave they are in texas-don't know.i honest be belieave [to a woman]love means to her]legs open very easy] & he excuse for getting in a so called relationsship.i belieave they thing with their[ass]instead of their head or heart.boy i learned the hard way.talk means nothing/what you do means everything.so never asked me to beleave anything i am not seeing.show me nothing/i beleave nothing.action saids everything/talk saids nothing/don't talk so much about what you are/all men have heard it/didn't see it.thats why men go looking trying to find what you clained you are bring/& it does'nt arraive.but with you its always easy to blame a man,for what you are.its the easy way out[& you know about the easy way.don't you?] clyde-5-31-2011-2.45pm

  • confused guy

    no insult to the author intended, this all seems pretty obvious… i mean, it couldve been summed up with "move on, dont dwell on him, make yourself productive". i just dont get why it should even have to be explained, unless youre like 15 and its your first breakup

  • drina

    I just broke up with a crazy man who has "baggage" and baby mama drama and I was willing to put up with that on top of his selfishness, meanness, egotistical, ass-hole-ish ways, but the lord knew (unlike myself) I didn't deserve that! Remember ladies he will always take you out of a situation which is unhealthy for you, whether it be a bad relationship or a terrible job! you just have to keep the faith and know that its for your own good! Always look at the positive aspects.

  • optimist

    My ex found me useful for advice all the time, not just the sex. I had good answers to all of the problems he brought me. But he did not want to recommit, so I finally told him to call someone else with his problems. He got really sweet then; but I said to him "I asked you, if if was bankrupt, down to one suitcase and a cat carrier, would you take me in?, and you said 'hell, no'; so that is all the answer I need". Ladies, give your advice and concern to a man who will back you up, and be there for you.

  • Confused

    I think this article fits for men too. I personally made most of those mistakes with my wife of 15 years in hopes to get back with her. She left me 9 months ago for reasons that are still unclear. Now I think I would like to sever all ties with her because of the 360 degree turn that she has made toward me and the hate she is splewing out at me. I can't though, We have kids. Even thought she doesn't want to act like a mom anymore, it's no reason to hold the kids back from her. I have never cheated on her nor have I physically abused her in any way.

  • Susan

    Most of what the article says is true…but I think sleeping with an ex is OK if it fills your needs and you know it's only sex. It's better then to do it with a stranger!! The article also says it keeps you from looking for another mate….I'm sorry to say but in this day and time there just aren't alot of choices out there and what is they are hard to find. It's not easy replacing someone but keeping someone just to be a couple is not right either. You have to be happy with yourself and know your limits of what you are willing to deal with.

    • kim

      White girl speaking out. I have gone through it all. It's really not a black or white issue, it's a self worth thing. I am a "giver" in a relationship and so "takers" are often attracted to me;self-indulgent, arrogant men . It took me a while to realize I was choosing them. It was my resposibility! Once I got this, I made an effort to question what was attracting me to a certain guy. Self assured-super /Self absorbed-forget it.

      Also, I had a friend tell me (as I was wallowing in self-pity) that I was entitled to feel hurt, betrayed and worthless, but I didn't deserve it. Why was I carrying the cross for his short comings. I would literally visualize a big, heavy cross on my back and then imagine pulling it off of me and putting it on im. Sounds ridiculous, but I swear, it works.

  • A runner

    I've always found the best way to get over a break up is to give yourself a "me" makeover. In other words, look at yourself and decide what you can do to make yourself MORE fabulous. The goal being that the next time you see the ex, he will want you. The funny thing about this technique is it focuses your energy some where else and when you do see the ex…you don't want him.

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  • Gary

    Stop right there…Second paragraph.

    I'm a guy who said 'I love you' and meant it.

    I'm a guy who stayed faithful, who showed caring and compassion, who didn't over-crowd, demand, obsess or try to change her.

    So, stop right there…Second paragraph. This man’s is hurting too. I’ll read on. I’ll accept full responsibility for whatever I did, didn’t do, to cause her not to want me.

    But, I’m hurting too.

    Will I do some ‘unhealthy things?’ No. Time to show strength and toughness.

    Even if my chest hurts like hell from being kicked in.

    • Hamptonsfnst

      I know how you feel Gary. At times Im confused because I accepted responsibility for my actions and lack thereof yet still wanted to work it. It's their lost and our faith will help us to "cease from anger, and forsake wrath…"

  • mkerishnag

    White women dont come to this site. and, they have a lot more sense (most of them) than to put up with a black mans bull. some good fellas out there but mostly not. better off dating a white guy who doesnt know anything about the gangsta sleep with everybody lifestyle…… and can also have an intelligent conversation

    • JCH

      I'm a white woman on this site. I've dated all kinds, I think I handle myself well after break ups BUT this article is great for any person, man or woman, black or white or hispanic (ect.) we all feel the same heart ache and react in the same ways.

      • MKC

        I, too, am a white woman on this site. I completely agree that this advice is perfect for anyone going through a bad breakup.

    • Jaz

      I am also a white woman. As this subject is neither gender preferred, neither is it racially preferred.

  • teacherdude

    You sound like an uneducated idiot.

  • Private Region

    Just wonderin': Where's the pictures of white wimmen? Just black chicks make post breakup mistakes?

    • ben

      Just wonderin' myself…Are you black or white, 'cause black people always turn the card into a race card. If it was a pic of a white woman, you would probably ask why, since black woman make post breakup mistakes too…!!!

  • RBIII

    This is a great article. Too bad not enough men who are in this situation probably haven't read it. I did a lot of the 7 sins as I call them. I stopped doing them when I decided to focus on me and my well being. Although, I do occasionally contact her, I'm not as emotionally involved as I was 6 months ago. I get better a little each and every day.

  • Angela

    o yeah d lady i talk 2 is abut 50 yrs old but, even @ that age I want a loving respectful man. I am going to have one God willing.

  • pretty_inpink

    this is all EASIER SAID THAN DONE madame noire!! i agree with the no facebook post… if you see that he is talking to other women or enjoying his life happily without you, it will make it so much harder to move on and you'll find yourself calling him begging him to come back.. so unfriend him on facebook, unfollow on twitter, delete his number, cut him off until you are strong enough to hear his name without getting sad.

  • MadameMaraj

    I think that's something that should have been on the list "Don't get caught open" because men LOVE a chase and the minute you are NOT doing any of these 7 things, they wanna text you or call you. Sometimes, we think we have made enough progress or enough time has gone by that we let our guards down and they attack, just much worse than the last tims…SMH damn ninjas!

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  • sashasue

    Because, the opposite of love is actually indifference- not hate.

    Not true! The opposite of love is FEAR!

    • Mike G.

      No, because you can love someone and fear them too.

  • Real talk

    Ran into my ex's mom at a department store while I was with my fiance years ago. She asked me to call her she wanted to meet for lunch. I never called -even though I loved her and her entire family. I knew I should put that energy into my future mom-in-law. Well, 21 years later – if I am ever blessed to bump into my ex's mom again I would offer to take her to lunch. Back then I couldn't have handled it. Now, I'd be more interested in how she's enjoying retirement with her husband. Things work out for the best. Her son was a jerk who cheated on me. I have someone much better. But I'd still like her for a friend.

  • shehiplocki

    ..I got one to add, don’t attempt to keep up with what he is doing by continuing a relationship with his family, unless u really don’t care about him any more….

  • bellatrice1

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  • Mynda

    Lmao at number 7… good ol' fake it til you make it! But it works…kinda.

  • sandip

    The easiest way to get over an ex is to think about all the bad things he did and what made you mad. you will be relieved to be out of the relationship.

    • MadameMaraj

      Warning: sometimes recalling his wrongs can exacerberate your anger and you end up feeling vindictive or as if you "need closure"…

    • neicy

      oh my gosh thats the same thing i said…so on point…

    • Solo

      But what if all he bad he did, you done forgot about and forgive him b/c you love him, and he loves you, but he waaayyy too sensitive..??

  • Shanii

    We as women do love hard, but when that love is betrayed by a cheating lover it's harder for the next man to come into our hearts…. not saying that the new guy will hurt us, it's just the leftover damage the last guy left on us…. I have been a victim of mostly all of the don'ts presented here in this column and I regret that I fell for the okey doke…. GOD will be in control of the next relationship I get into…..Peace and Love

  • Beanie

    I probably should have read this this morning before I went to his job and started throwing stuff…..oh well.

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