Is It Okay To Crush On Someone Who ISN’T Your Man?

April 19, 2015  |  

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My husband is not one to watch reality TV. Wait, let me clarify. He is not one to watch MY reality TV shows – Love & Hip Hop, The Real Housewives of Atlanta and basically any reality show that features “ratchet broads fighting each other pulling weaves and throwing drinks.” His words, not mine…although he’s not too far off in his assessment. Though, they are my guilty pleasures, he rarely indulges with me…until one day he caught a glimpse of Hollywood Exes. Suddenly he was sitting down with me watching the show intently. I think I even caught him searching the DVR for an episode he missed.

While that show was watchable, it lacked the explosive antics that garner huge ratings other shows featuring mostly women have commanded. So why the interest in THIS particular reality show? Two words: Nicole Murphy. It suddenly hit me – my husband had a new crush.

I say new because he’s had several that I’ve known of over the course of our relationship. Jill Scott, Nia Long, Beyoncé, Rihanna…the list goes on. I actually think it’s cute how he tries to downplay his crushes to me, or say things like, “(insert celebrity here) is hot like you are” or something along those lines. While I appreciate the compliment and know that he thinks I’m beautiful, I know what he’s really trying to do is reveal his celebrity crush to me in a way that is non-threatening and respectful. And I appreciate that.

However, let’s be real for a second. The chances of him actually meeting his celebrity crushes are slim. And the chances of them actually giving him the time of day if he DOES meet them is even slimmer. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is charismatic, charming and FINE! But his fantasies are less likely to become realities, so I simply smile when one of his crushes pops up on the big screen or one of their songs plays on the radio. It’s just not that deep to me.

But what if your man had a crush on a co-worker, or the woman who makes his latte at Starbucks every day? Would it still be a big deal? Would you want to know, and if so, would you consider it disrespectful to have a crush on someone he actually has a shot at?

Just because we’re married or in a committed relationship doesn’t mean we can’t notice and appreciate an attractive person who isn’t our mate. While I only have eyes for my husband, I’m not blind and can see that Idris Elba could certainly get it – if I wasn’t married of course. But that’s Idris Elba…not the FedEx guy who delivers packages in my neighborhood. If I told my husband I was crushing on Idris, he wouldn’t care. In fact, he’d probably think I liked Idris because they favor each other. Yes, he’s that vain.

But if I told him I had a crush on the UPS guy, he’d suddenly be paying attention to my online shopping habits and tracking how many packages I had delivered from the Gap. Now, my crush isn’t so silly anymore when it’s a guy he thinks I could snag in real life, not just a fantasy celebrity crush.

So where do we draw the line? I think it depends on the intensity of the crush and the state of your marriage. If your crush is someone you see on the subway or at the gym but you’re still madly in love with your husband or your partner, then the crush could be considered innocent. But if your crush is your coworker whom you spend 8 hours a day with and your marriage is on the rocks, then I’d say your crush could become your mistress or your side piece if you’re not too careful…assuming they reciprocate your affections.

For me, the ideal crush situation would be with someone you either have no chance with, ie: a celebrity, or someone you wouldn’t be afraid to tell your significant other about. It assumes that you realize that while he or she may be fun to look at and even flirt with, you know that the fantasy of him or her is way more appealing than the reality of them…and that the reality of your REAL life crush – your husband or your man – is all you really need. Sure, crushes are fun and can distract you from the mundane for a bit; but if you find that your crush is occupying your mind way more than your man is, something is wrong. No one should take the place of the one you’re in an actual relationship with. Your ultimate crush should the one you go to bed with and the one you wake up to…and who you watch Hollywood Exes with.

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