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I was one of those overly dramatic, overly sensitive worry-wart kids. So naturally, I spent countless hours sittin’ up in my room (shout out to Brandy) listening to love songs. I used to shed real tears I would be so caught up. If nothing else, I was passionate.

Dru Hill, with Nokio’s expert writing abilities, Jazz’s impeccable upper register and Sisqo’s heartfelt delivery, were one of my favorites. Real, ride-or-die Dru Hill fans know that on their 1998 album Enter the Dru, they have a song called “What Do I Do With The Love.”

For those who aren’t familiar, the song is about the end of a relationship. The members of the group harmonize about what they’re supposed to do with the love they anticipated giving to their now estranged partner. At 11 years old, I didn’t know anything about love but I thought the concept was fascinating. (Diane Warren is a beast wit it.) But seriously, what do you do with the love? It’s an energy, a force, it certainly can’t just evaporate.

It wasn’t until years later that I came to understand that Diane and Dru Hill were absolutely right, when you love someone, even after a relationship ends, the love is still there. Not in an ‘I want you back’ kind of way. But rather in a ‘I wish you well and please know that even though we shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t be together; somewhere out there, on a spiritual plane, there is love for you.’

Saying that spiritual plane part might creep some folks out, so you might be looking to send other signals to let them know the love is out there. Something like a “Happy Birthday Text.”

We know it well, right ladies?

Now before you start making assumptions, I’m not talking about the let me send this happy birthday to see if he’s still feeling me. I’m talking about the ‘since you played a significant role in my life, let me acknowledge the day you entered into the world’ type of happy birthday text.

Still, it’s hard to communicate that message with a simple Happy Birthday. The phrase can be interpreted many ways. It can, as many of you may have assumed, read like an invitation, a way to gauge interest or strike up conversation after a year of ghost. Because the phrase is so loaded, it’s the reason we women–or at least I–agonized over sending that text last year.

I’m almost ashamed to say that I debated for weeks about whether or not to send the text to someone I’ll call an “ex.”

When the day finally came around, I, sitting on my toilet where all the good thinking happens, decided to send the text hastily. He responded promptly. Thanking me, asking me a off-topic question about my family, and that was it.

And after the brief exchange I felt relieved and mentally scolded myself for being #teamtoomuch.

But…when my birthday rolled around 3 months later, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of anxious expectancy waiting for that same ‘Happy Birthday’ text. And I would also be lying if I said I didn’t feel some type of way when it never came.

This time I thought, ‘Daaang! For real, you ain’t got no love for me somewhere in the universe homie?!’

I’ll spare y’all all of the details; but long story short, having known this dude since I was 13-years-old in middle school, I thought for sure we’d be able to maintain a semblance of friendship. You know the kind where we text a few times a year on holidays. But curving me on my birthday, let me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was not about to happen.

And in a few months when dude’s birthday rolls around again, I will not be sending that SMS. (The fact that he didn’t have an iPhone–and didn’t want one–was just one of the reasons we couldn’t seem to make it work.) Ultimately, I know love is a spiritual thang and I shouldn’t have had any expectations; but reciprocity is real important in the practical space, and this wasn’t the first time it’s been an issue in the course of our relationship. Still, mad love… I’ll just send a birthday shout into the universe and hope he knows it’s out there if he ever needs it.

I’ve learned my lesson with this particular one; but I wanted to ask you all if a relationship ends with no bad blood, do you wish your exes happy birthday? Why or why not?

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