Sundays are typically seen as days made for relaxation, pampering, losing yourself in the dark and happy abyss of Netflix, endless mimosas during brunch with your girls, time to focus on stubborn hair, sleep, and sporadic workout sessions in your yoga pants and sports bra.
But for me, Sundays weren’t always like that.
Sundays were about waking up at eight in the morning to be at Sunday school by nine, followed by church service, which lasted until the late afternoon. As a kid, sitting in church from nine in the morning until two in the afternoon felt like an eternity when factoring in the painful and annoying hunger pangs and sheer boredom. However, as a kid unaware of the world, you only know the foundation that’s been laid for you. My foundation was Christianity, and like the good book says, “Train up a child in the way he should go…”
I was born into a family who identified as Christian, so naturally, I was raised to follow the Christian teachings and way of life. That included church every Sunday and being active in my house of worship throughout the week. I was a junior usher, a student in Sunday school, a part of the youth ministry, and I sang in the choir.
But as I got older, I started to develop a resentment towards my church and the Christian faith in general. I felt pressured and uncomfortable most of the time when I was in church. Whether I was being forced, or, as they called it, “encouraged” to lead praise and worship, being made to stand up and give testimonies on the spot, or being called to do the welcome address out of nowhere for new visitors, I didn’t like it. But it was all I knew, so I thought that maybe if I had a change of scenery, it would make all the difference.
When I turned 18, I left my parents’ church and started to visit other churches, because if there’s one thing the ‘hood has an abundance of, it’s churches and liquor stores. I even joined a few congregations over the course of a few years in the hopes of finding something different, but honestly, I still felt like I was out of place.
Because I couldn’t even tell you what I was looking for during that time, I stopped going to church altogether. Not only that, but I started to really question my faith. If Christianity was supposed to be so great, why was my parents’ method of trying to get me to follow the faith and stick with it through the use of fear? I was a sheltered kid, and when I was young, I wasn’t allowed to do most of things kids were allowed to do. Everything came with restrictions, so that’s the image that started to form for me when I thought about Christianity.
I was not at peace.
Sundays turned into days for late sleep and watching TV for me. I stopped reading my bible for a time, not that I really did in the first place, and started doing whatever it was that I felt like.
But I found that I wasn’t ready to let go of my foundation just yet. I didn’t know how to let go of it or if I was even supposed to. So when I got to college, I joined various groups and organizations, including a Christian sorority. I began to go to church again, as well as bible study, and I even organized Christian events on my campus; but I often felt like the black sheep of the bunch. I felt like I did not live up to the standard because I could not be the perfect Christian and I did not share the same beliefs as a lot of my sisters.
My wake-up call came when I was sitting in as a teacher’s assistant for a world religion class. I realized I wasn’t spiritually content because for me, Christianity had always been based on what someone else told me it was. There was always someone else telling me how to live. There was always someone else telling me what the bible said. Where was my own voice and knowledge in all of it?
So I opened my world up to the realm of religion and I began to explore Judaism, Buddhism and other teachings. I even studied Daoism and further explored Christianity. There were some things about each that I loved and some things about each that I didn’t agree with, but seeing those things for myself allowed me to set my lifestyle up to be something that I was finally happy with.
I decided that I didn’t want to identify as a Christian anymore–or anything for that matter. I could not find a label, title, or box to put my beliefs in, so I chose not to try. I just wanted my life to be an example of wholesome living. With my belief in a higher power, I found peace in knowing that there were other ways to be spiritual. I felt free when I let go of the burden of trying to be what someone else decided was best for me.
This experience has trickled down into every aspect of my life and is the reason why I’m so transparent with people. I realized that it doesn’t matter if you went to church every Sunday; it doesn’t matter if your bible contains more highlighted scriptures and notes marked up in an assortment of colored ink; it doesn’t matter how many times a day you pray; it doesn’t matter how many fasts you take up; and doesn’t matter how much money you give to your church. What matters is whether or not you’re living a life that’s making you happy. Are you free with yourself?
Through this discovery, I found my purpose in life. I found my freedom not in Christianity or between the four walls and many layers of a church. I found it in being true to myself.
