I was talking to a male friend about his dating life and he was complaining about the cost of courting. He said, “Every woman claims to be a feminist… until that check comes.” So it got me thinking, when it comes to love and dating, who should pay? I surveyed a number of people to find out the conditions under which paying for a date should be women’s work and/or a man’s job. Apparently, the answer to the question is not so cut and dry. While American social mores generally dictate that men pay for at least the first date, there isn’t as much of a consensus about who should pay for what once we get past the first date mark.
The religious factor: In speaking with Christian singles, some believed that how a man handled finances during dating would indicate how they handled finances during marriage. As such, many Christian men believed they had to demonstrate their abilities to be good providers when dating so they would insist that women keep their hands out of their wallets. Similarly, some Christian women took offense to a man asking that she pay on a date or even go “dutch.” These money moves signaled a lack of financial prowess and security, which they would label as deterrents to marriage. Some went as far to say that a man that asks a woman to pay for date is selfish and lacking finesse.
The cultural factor: Because religious beliefs can inform gender-related cultural expectations in courting, there is a commonality between how religion and culture inform who picks up the check.
The “pay gap” factor: Some women refuse to pay for the first date or any date for that matter because of a larger socio-economic factor: the wage gap injustice. The logic is that if men make more money than they should pay for all dates. A report published by the American Association of University Women (AAUW) called “The Simple Truth About The Gender Pay Gap” revealed that the pay gap has barely budged in a decade. In 2013, among full-time, year-round workers, women were paid 78 percent of what men were paid. Among women of color, the pay gap is worse. Asian-American women’s salaries show the smallest gender pay gap, at 90 percent of white men’s earnings. Hispanic women’s salaries show the largest gap, at 54 percent of white men’s earnings. Even where a woman lives contributes to the pay gap: women in every state experience the pay gap, but some states are worse than others.
While the best place in the United States for pay equity is Washington, D.C., where women were paid 91 percent of what men were paid in 2013, Louisiana, is the worst state in the country for pay equity, where women were paid just 66 percent of what men were paid.
The “salary gap” factor: While it may be true that men make more money than women as a principle of economics, this is may not be true for the couple in question. In some cases, the woman has a higher paying salary. In these cases, the survey participants thought it would be fair for women to chip in more often than less when dating.
The length-of-the-date factor: From the singles that I interviewed, most agreed that the length of the date contributed to how the expenses would be paid. For example, one thirty-something single woman said that if she and her date were to go to dinner and a movie, she thought it would be only right if she paid for one and he pay for the other. On the other hand, one-stop dates are usually reserved for men to pay.
The initiator factor: In the informal survey that I took, it was almost unanimous that the person that asks is the person that pays. In most cases, women shared that they would never pursue a man, so this would be a non-issue. Most men agreed that if he is asked then he expects her to pay. Some men felt that even if he were asked, it was still his responsibility to pay.
The interest factor: Most men surveyed that the extent to which they pay for dates is directly related to how they feel about the woman. Even though they did not give me a mathematical equation, it was clear that if a man could pay (meaning that he had money for all expenses revolving around dating such as tolls, gas, parking) then he would pay at least 80 percent of the time. On the other hand, if he wasn’t feeling her, then he would prefer to split expenses or go “dutch.”
Surveying this group of participants really illuminated the idea that money is not just money. Money carries a lot of weight. For many in this survey, it symbolized everything from chivalry to beliefs about equality. It fundamentally reinforces the importance of getting clear about your beliefs about money as it relates to gender and dating so you can identify your financial match early in the courting process.
Connect with Kara @frugalfeminista. Learn more about The Frugal Feminista at www.thefrugalfeminista.com Download her free ebook The 5-Day Financial Reset Plan: Eliminate Debt, Know Your Worth, and Heal Your Relationship with Money in Just 5 Days.
