I’ve always prided myself on being independent. It’s a badge of honor to know that you take care of yourself without depending on another human being to sustain you. It’s one of the things that separates childhood from adulthood.
When you take care of yourself sans the help of a man, it’s exciting to utter the words, “I’m grown,” when someone wants to test you. But there are times when a man does things for you outside of financial assistance that can sometimes trick you into a level of co-dependency. And that’s exactly what happened to me.
I’ve always been told not to take extravagant gifts from a man that I was not serious with. Why? Because he would want something in return. That includes time that I didn’t have or …you know what…that I wasn’t willing to give up. So I usually refrain from accepting these things from someone trying to court me. I won’t act as if I have NEVER taken an extravagant gift from someone pursuing me, but it’s usually not the norm, and definitely not something I would make a habit of. I like being self-sufficient so that in case we end up parting ways, I’m still good. He may have added to what I already had, but losing him would mean that I wouldn’t be without anything other than a companion.
When I was in college, my boyfriend was a bit older. He helped me with so many things that I needed in school. While I’m sure my parents were glad that I didn’t call home for money very often, they didn’t know he was taking care of me very well. But when we would have our rifts and part ways, he would threaten to take things back. And looking back on that situation, I realize that I allowed him to get away with more than the average guy, simply because he was so helpful financially.
Then there is the man who doesn’t buy you expensive gifts, but does so many random things for you (like feeding you daily and buying you necessities without you asking) that soon you become dependent on his acts of kindness. If he’s not your man, he might be using this “nice guy” role to his advantage. Call me a pessimist (I’m really not), but usually when someone you barely know does lots of nice things for you, it’s because they want something in return. This could be a relationship, sex, or reciprocity. Whatever the case, they’re expecting something.
The man I was dealing with overcompensated with small gifts, food, and running my errands, because he knew it would be harder for me to get rid of him. I mean, seriously, who wants to get rid of someone that comes in handy so often? But in reality, I wasn’t willing to do the things he did for me in return. And since I didn’t see a relationship in our future, we ended up falling out because of what he deemed as selfishness. And in hindsight…I get it. I was being selfish.
The reality is, the bigger the gift, the more that is expected of the recipient. This guy was giving me a lot of his time and making a big effort, but he was expecting a return on his investment. And rightfully so.
So ladies, before you take a big material gift or one like what I’ve described above, be sure you’re ready to reciprocate–or leave it alone.
What’s been your experience in accepting things from men who you are not in a relationship with?
