It’s no secret that women find themselves in situations where they’re pulling the financial weight in a relationship. According to a Pew Study published in 2013, nearly 40 percent of women with children under 18 were the sole or primary earners in their family in 2011 based on U.S. Census Bureau data.
An income gap can cause tension in a relationship especially when a partner is struggling to locate a job. To find out how women can approach this situation with their partner, MadameNoire asked three relationship coaches to weigh in on the topic.
Motivating and uplifting
When your partner is job hunting your first instinct may be to step in with lots of encouragement. Kara Stevens, life coach and founder of The Frugal Feminista (and a contributor here at MN), suggests that women first ask their partner how they want to be motivated along their job search before jumping in. You may assume that your partner wants a hands on approach when they prefer little intervention from you other than cheering them on occasionally.
Either way, when you are being encouraging, remind your partner that they’re worth more than a paycheck. Stevens also recommends encouraging them to pursue entrepreneurial endeavors to use their skills outside of working for someone else.
Adding another perspective, Atiya, aka the Marriage Strategist, believes the best way to support a man during his job search is to “big up” his gifts and talents.
“Men need to be admired and appreciated,” she says. “When a woman consistently reinforces his worth and value as a man and reminds him of all the things she admires and appreciates about him, it helps to give him the necessary drive and positive energy to do more and better.”
Addressing resentment
Feeling resentful when a partner is out of work is common. To overcome it, Kandace Jones, certified life coach and author of From Stress to Peace, suggests that the working partner reflect daily on what they are grateful for in their partner.
“This helps take the focus off what they are not currently able to do, and re-connects the working spouse to what they fell in love with. When practiced consistently, this can diffuse negative emotions and help the couple avoid the exchange of harsh words,” Jones explains.
Atiya also advises women to avoid projecting disappointments and to be mature about the situation. Rather than focusing on her own needs, she must focus on the needs of her man and household as her actions “determine the positive energy flow in the house.”
Dealing with extended unemployment and financial difficulty
Stevens suggests women be understanding of how long it takes to find work in certain industries. Depending on the profession, a job search can take several months to a year. So before rushing into judgment about a partner’s extended job search, consider the type of job they’re attempting to secure. Jobs that pay more generally take a longer time to acquire.
During a gap in employment couples may experience financial difficulty and Stevens recommends implementing a strict budget and locating ways to make side income.
According to Stevens, “Adjusting your budget to find out what’s a need and what’s a want can streamline some of your expenses. Locate things that you can sell and try to find more streams of income through entrepreneurship. If the job search takes longer, you do have skills and abilities outside of work you can use to make money.”
Although hindsight is 20-20, she recommends preparing for hardship or job loss by “living below your means” and understanding that full-time jobs are not always secure.
Working as a team
As far as helping a partner find a job, tread carefully.
Jones explains that a woman’s intention may be to help their partner, but “it can be perceived as viewing the unemployed spouse as unfit to look for work on their own.” Instead, she suggests that women engage in conversation about their partner’s ideal position in order to turn what may be perceived as an attack into a discussion based on genuine support and interest.
