Where the Good Men Aren’t Hiding

April 19, 2011  |  

Time and time again, we read articles telling us how to look for love—where to go, what to wear, what to say—when, in actuality, there is nothing to look for.

The “good” black men aren’t nestled in the bushes or gathering at a top secret hideout. They are sitting at the booth next to you and your girls; they are helping escort elderly women to their cars at church; they are sprinkled everywhere. Broaden that scope to all available men and there are plenty of options right under your nose. All you have to do to recognize them is be open.


Oftentimes we have constructed an ideal mate and that is the man we’re trying to find; but, during that quest, we tend to look directly over some really great guys. The ideal that we create is based on what we think we want and, while “the one” may possess the majority of those qualities, he probably won’t come packaged as pictured and contain some additional ingredients. Every beautiful woman married to a less than lust-worthy man is not with him just for his money. It’s about the shoe fitting, not the height, complexion, race or hair type of the prince. Many of the good men out there go unnoticed for superficial reasons: he rides public transportation, has scuffed up shoes, a receding hairline or big lips. As a result we dismiss the guy who only uses the bus system because it makes for an easier commute to work and the fast-rising entrepreneur who is losing hair due to an overwhelming amount of new business.

Quality men don’t sniff women out like hounds. They aren’t in the club pushing up on every girl that walks through their vicinity. In fact, they are rarely in the club at all. Sometimes we are so used to being bombarded by the overt advances of The Unwanted (you know, “Hey lil’ mama,” “How you doin’ Miss Lady,” “What’s up, Slim,” etc.), that we don’t notice when a good man is inquiring; because good guys don’t generally hit on women. Into quality rather than quantity, their approach is different and intermittent. They strike up conversation—getting to know you, wooing you with bits of chivalry—that’s their game.

If you are a good woman, you don’t have to find a good man; he will find you. All you have to do is stay open to love—ready. He could be the guy alone at the movies, because his friends can’t appreciate a good romantic comedy; he could be the black guy with a crew of white friends that you assume exclusively dates white women. So, sit back and relax. Stop looking for a man and let it happen.

LaShaun Williams is a lifestyle and relationship advice columnist, blogger and soon-to-be author. Her work has been featured on popular urban sites, such as The Grio, and she has made appearances on the Tom Joyner Morning Show and Santita Jackson Show. She is also the founder of Politically Unapologetic, where she unabashedly discusses pop culture, life, love and a dash of politics. Follow @itsmelashaun on Twitter or visit her on Facebook.

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  • maggie

    I really have to be convinced that the black man with a gang of white friends prefers black women. Why can’t we call a spade, a spade?

  • Love You

    All this looking for a good woman, looking for a good man, go outside your race, stay inside your race advice is a bit draining. Why don't we talk more about learning how to love ourselves first and edifying others instead? I'm quite sure the energy you put off will attract who is for you! I keep seeing "typical" and "sterotypes" in these blogs I've been reading, when no everyone is not represented fairly. We keep referring to the small percentage of negative people and their thoughts that we almost totally dismiss the positives. As for me, I've stopped investing too much of my energy centering around the subject of finding a mate. I'm enjoying life one day at a time. It doesn't matter to me if he comes sooner or later, because I've been enjoying learning about myself and how I can be the best for whomever he is!

    Common on my sisters and brothers of all races…let's try a different approach!


    Hi All,

    I try my best not to be discouraged, however, I read all these articles about being single, dating, good men, good women, etc., etc., etc. However, I haven't had a date in ancient history so there isn't a relationship to work on, there isn't a person to see if their inner qualities outshine their outer beauty, theres isn't a man around to have a decent conversation with. I don't know if they're hiding but I don't know where they are at. I'm listening and taking notes! I don't see them in the grocery store, the gym, the bookstore, I don't see them volunteering, hell I don't even see them at Home Depot. Where are you guys at? I'm really trying not to think that I need to move out of state because it's a geographical issue but GEEZ!!!!!!

    • JMJ

      I think that part of the point is that you have seen "good men," but you may not have recognized them. You might have to change the filter in which you view men in general and start to look for those characteristics that you didn't have on your list before.

  • David Vang

    I'll probay be the only guy on here reading this but we do exist. See, my challenge is that I'm an Asian guy who ALWAYS gets passed up because I'm not that race. I've learned to look far and beyond my race for love. To begin, I LOVE black women but i dont really know any black women that like Asian guys to begin with. But the hardest part for me is that I have to pay for the sins of the former guy who screwed the woman over. I exert all this energy trying to convince the woman that I'm really a decent guy but it's over looked. We do exist, we just don't get noticed.

    • Mia

      Daaaaaavid you don't even know!! I'm SO attracted to East Asian men its not funny but I feel like every time I try to strike up a conversation I hit a wall. Where am I falling short? I'm totally cute and kind of shy, but it takes a lot of courage for me to approach these guys because I get the vibe that as a black woman I wouldn't even cross their mind as potential girlfriend material. Guys like you are few and far between, Dave. Hang in there, one day you'll meet a sista that has a handle on her baggage and is able to see right through to your heart ^.^


  • NEWHAIR5000

    well "get real" that's exactly what i'm going to ask you to do.but first i want to congratulate you on being stupid and grouping every black woman who dates a man outside of her race is either threatening or will only be used for that 1 thing that isn't marriage.thanks for that also i have one quick question-do you know the reason why a black women dates/gets married outside of her own race?.yes i will give it to you i do know some black women who have had bad relationships with some black men and group them all together and throw their hands in the air and get with a different race.notice i said SOME not all.i also didn't see you say that about BLACK MEN hmmm…i wonder why.it's cool when a BLACK MAN dates/marrys a women from a DIFFERENT RACE and says he's he tired of black women as a whole,then it's okay.BUT if a black women does it then she can't find the same amount of happiness??.that's bull**** and it's hypocritical.try doing what your name applies get real and FAIR.oh and try a little common sense,it would make you look at little bit better.

  • Tiffany

    This is sooooo true. I almost let a good guy slip away cause of stupid things that didnt really matter in the long run. Like the fact that we liked different music and he's not a fan of books but I"m a bookworm (I know…stupid). He's a decent and kind human being and I"m glad I came to my senses and opened my eyes to that fact. He doesnt have it all but he treats me with respect and love. I feel like we women lock out these guys before giving them a chance to prove themselves. Take a second look…you might realize there's a good guy sitting right under ur nose.

    • Lady A

      I totally agree with you!!! I had been looking over a good man for years as well. We grew up together in church. I never took him seriously only because he's shorter than me and I was always into taller men. He is such a great man, everything a woman could ask for. He respects me and my family and always wanted to take things to the next level. I'm so happy I've finally came to my senses and gave him a chance. This article was so right on!

  • GQPhive

    If encountering a good black man is important to you, and you're not pleased with the ones that are hitting on you, try approaching men yourself. You don't have to be OVERT about it, but strike up a conversation and send him signals of interest, and allow him to pick up on them and run with it. Sometimes, it takes stepping out of your comfort zone to achieve different results.

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  • Eugenia

    Oh stop with 'want only one thing' crap, bw are smelling that ish a mile away now. Be open to all men, black, white, hispanic, asian, or whatever. Being open means having options and that's a good thing.

  • Mynda

    Oh my. You seem upset. Don't be. "Going white" should not be used as a weapon or a threat, I agree. However, as a black woman MARRIED to a white man for seven years, I have to say that it was being open to whoever was willing to treat me well, ( and I reciprocate) that led me to my husband. He just happened to be white. If he had approached me the exact same way and behaved the exact same way that he does, and was a black man, I would still have married him.

  • theworldoftiffany

    I don't think they are hiding, but either way I am still waiting…I did see a fine brother the other day after service…I spy with my little eye…

  • kari

    exactly Jess! SOME women of color are so fixated on the “good black men”. not saying that there ARE no “good black men”. just sayin that a good man is a good man regardless of his race-which is socially constructed anyway. a good man isn’t determined by the color of his skin but by how he was raised and how he lives his life. sounds cliche i know, but its SO true.

    • GQPhive

      "Good black man" is becoming a blanket term used to avoid having to personally account for what you are attracted to. Women are MASTERS of the English language, and when they KNOW what they want, they have no problem breaking it down. The ones who can't get past those 3 words normally don't know what they want, and are instead just looking to blend in. Again, just my $0.02

    • NEWHAIR5000

      trying saying that to some black men.it goes both ways i come across both black men and women who say there's no good black women or no good black men which is a total lie.

  • leile

    I agree wholeheartedly.I was not looking when I met the man who would later become my husband. No he wasn't what I would have chosen at the time. He was just an average Joe but boy could he make me smile (in more ways than one). Sadly, he passed away after 24 beautiful years together.

    • GQPhive

      Stories like THIS should be making headlines. This is the black love that REALLY exists. It's a shame that the sensationalization of black relationship failure is becoming the standard image for black relationships, and totally overshadows the WEALTH of black relationship success.

  • Jess

    why does he have to be black? why can't he be white? thats what the problem. we are fixed on one race and not open to countless possibilities of love with others.

  • enough!

    A black woman meets a "fine" street thug with no respect for women, no job, no education, no ambition and four kids by four different baby mommas and she has sex with him. She gets pregnant, has a baby and becomes angry when she 'discovers" he is a deadbeat dad. She goes on to blame every brother from Brooklyn to Brazil and declares that from now on she is "done with black men". Sound familiar?

    • GQPhive

      It's unfair to lump black women in this category, as every race of woman has experienced this phenomenon. I fully believe that, in those situations, women KNOW who they're getting involved with, but they're blinded by what they want/are getting until the consequences have them in over their head and they can't escape. However, admitting they knew this all along would trigger a social backlash on THEM, so they "rationalize" it by attributing a pattern of negative behavior to the opposite group, since society empathizes with victims.

    • NEWHAIR5000

      you and "get real" truly most be brothers.once again i am reading a comment by a black man that has grouped every black women together when it comes to relationships.it's so easy to slap a label on a black women but i didn't hear you say anything about black men.some black men say the same thing.that their tired of the baby mama drama that some black women give them.or that their triffin' crazy x's who won't leave them alone.so that means he moves on to a white women or another girl from a different race because they will respect them.sound familiar?? thanks for proving my point once again.

  • justme

    Nice article. They are not hiding, many women are to blinded by the HIP HOP materialism to see what is evident everywhere, The good black man. Once I matured, I was able to see a good black man. Not a baller, but a hard working man, not a thug, but someone who is a gentlemen. Not rich, but goes to work daily. Not perfect, but understands that I am not either. I am in love with his man and you better believe, I am going to play my position very well!

    • GQPhive

      Unfortunately, this is one of the problems of the lack of fathers in the African-American community. A lot of the females in these situations grow up not knowing what a substantial, efficient, loving male figure is like, so they tend to gravitate toward what they see other women gravitating toward. In this age of 24-hour access to media, the images of flocks of women gravitating towards less than stellar black men creates the illusion that THIS is the image to be desired, posing the notion that anyone operating outside of these parameters to be dull and unattractive.

      This causes the fatherless boys to want to emulate that image for female approval. It's the whole "girls are attracted to guys in demand, and guys are attrated to the image that will get them the most girls" without proper emotional training that perpetuates this flaw. It's not until fathers step THEIR OWN standards up that FAMILIES will step up.

  • the same place you find a good man…is the same place you can find a bad man..SIMPLE

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  • fabu78

    Kudos Lashaun! You surprised me with this one. Great article! I

  • seek2027

    Nice article i really like it not because i am a man simply because alot of woman not already have their mind made up of what a good should look like sad but true please believer there are alot of good black men out there

  • Quality element

    Then go no one is stopping you

  • @lady_t_04

    I agree. There are plenty of good men out there. We women just have to be open to the possibility that he may not come packaged the way we expect and he may not be where we expect to find him.

  • theBlackPocahontas

    Let's try this again

    So a beautiful woman needs to be open to an ugly man? FAIL. Why is it ugly get to have the pretty woman but pretty women are asked to look past the ugly man?

    It's starts with the physical PERIOD. Ugly man is a non-starter. His shoes are only important if they are ultra cheap (cheaply made) or run over because it begs the question, what else does he not take care of?

    Extra short or fat is also a non-starter. Sorry it is. Who cares if he rides the train because it's easier. But he does need his own transportation and a driver's license. In Texas, we won't be riding the train on the weekends. I have my own vehicle, so should he.

    But we must also address the fact that good guys end up with trifling heifers that they knew were trifling from the giddy up and thought was cute or spicy. Ranks right up there with the woman who dates the no job having having bad boy that only has one good quality

    • Eugenia

      I'm sure you're single and will stay that way LOL.

  • theBlackPocahontas

    why is that all my comments need to be approved

  • bad muthaf*cka

    I generally like LaShaun Williams articles, but today she outdid herself. Kudos Sista!

  • Rastaman

    Some folks can’t spot a good person if they fell out the sky and hit them over the head. You definitely have to be good enough to let good people in your life because how will you determine someone has substance if you only focus on the superficial. I have overlooked some good people in my past and it was generally because I was unaware of what the truly good qualities were.

  • Cool Pretty Nerd

    I have great man.I found him at a Sixer's game.Lol!

  • there hiding everywhere..lol…ain't NO good men..

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    • lala

      u must be one of the bad women then, since u are only attracting your kind in the opposite sex

      • qualityelement

        Thank you because we are every where