I hate the label “good girl.” But for whatever reason, when I tell people the most cursory details of my life; and later, what I do and don’t do sexually, the phrase always seems to come up. And it makes me cringe.
One, because it diminishes my complexity as a woman and human being; but also, because that’s just not how I see myself. In my mind, I’m something like a freak. And I try very hard not to judge people on their own sexual expression. I just do–and don’t do–what’s best for me.
If anyone understands this it’s my sister and best friend. The latter of which happens to have much more varied and partnered sexual experiences than myself. And even though there were times she jokingly (?) referred to me as a Puritan, she understands my complexity. And we talk about sex and sexuality openly, in both the practical and theoretical sense.
And it was during one of these many conversations that the issue of strap ons came up. You know, like using them on male partners. (Just in case some of y’all were starting to wonder what type of “friend” I was talking about.)
I can’t remember if we were discussing Freud’s theory of penis envy or what, but either way I just so happened to mention that I would be down to use a strap on during sex…with a man. And as much as I thought my friend was going to share my reaction, her being the open-minded and adventurous one, that was not the case.
We had this conversation years ago; but basically, the idea of a man bent over booty tooted in the air was just too much for her to handle. It read “gay” to her. And it would send up so many red flags about what he was doing when he wasn’t in her presence, that she couldn’t even get past the very imagined scenario. Vehemently against it. I shrugged it off, thinking different strokes for different folks; but as for me and my hypothetical house, if my hypothetical man were down for it, I would be ready and willing.
The conversation reemerged again this weekend when this same friend shared this absolutely hilarious video from the Comedy Central show “Broad City.” And as you might suspect, a woman is faced with the decision to use a strap on with her new beau. And she is freaked all the way out. So in a panic, she runs into the bathroom and calls her bestie for advice.
I could tell you what happens next but the humor lies in the visual, so just watch it. And we’ll resume the discussion afterward. Surprisingly, after the first 10 seconds or so, you can get away with watching this at work, if your coworkers aren’t too nosy.
Hilarious, right? *Makes mental note to start watching “Broad City.”* Just in case you haven’t been following the narrative, I’m the friend that starts p poppin’ on a handstand at the thought of getting to wear this type of equipment. I certainly didn’t wear strap ons to bed in college, but I’ve thought about this possibility quite a bit and even asked one person if he’d be willing to try it. He said no. 🙁
And even though the video ends with the first woman deciding to “gurl, bye, give it a try. Give your boy a chance,” my friend was still not persuaded.
Me? I was only reassured of the decision I’d made years ago.
I wrote on her Facebook page, underneath the video: “Gurl…listen…when I tell you I pray that I am called upon with this opportunity. I would not even have to think twice. #geeked. Would.not.have.to.think.twice.”
But my friend still had reservations, which she phrased in the form of questions.
“This also begs the question…how do you feel about using other people’s artillery? Like how many people have worn this strap. I prefer my own toolkit.”
Fair. I too, am not one for hand me downs, particularly when the genital area is involved.
Perhaps a raincheck until I can get my own strap?
Then another friend asked, “Where do you go from there? Is this the new norm? Does this escalate?”
Hmm…I don’t know about escalating but I’m assuming that once you’ve crossed that threshold there is no going back.
I get it. We’ve all been warned and re-warned about the “down low brotha.” And if we’re honest, a lot of us are still walking around with some residual homophobia. But I’m of the mindset that the anus, booty meat and all that is an erogenous zone for quite a few people, men and women alike. Wanting to get pegged or plugged or whatever by an apparatus, with a woman on the other end of it, doesn’t, by default, make you gay. Just means you want someone to play with you booty hole. Really, if you take away all the preconceived notions, and just think about pleasing that particular individual, what’s the crime in that?
Basically, the same general rules apply. Having sex with someone you don’t trust can be a risky game. So naturally, if he tells you he’s straight, bisexual or gay but trying new things for a couple of days, don’t sleep with him, strap on or no strap on, if you don’t believe, wholeheartedly, what he said.
Later that evening, my friend texted me very disturbed by her “close-mindedness.” She was concerned that she, who considered herself “open,” couldn’t get past this mental block and incorporate the strap on, even though, to my knowledge, she’s never been asked to do so.
I told her what I’ll tell you, if it’s not your thing, it’s nothing to stress over. But I think it’s healthy to question yourself and your opinions.
While I can probably guess what a majority of these responses will be, I still want to ask the question, if your man said he wanted to try a strap on or a peg, would you be down to ride…or drill?
