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I work for a parenting education agency so I’ve seen all kinds of different families and types of parenting from the terrific to the trifling. The other day as I was getting together some registrations for an upcoming class, I came across the forms of a couple with a baby girl who was a few months old. I couldn’t help but notice that mom and dad had listed the same emergency contact: the father’s mother. They also shared the same address and phone number.

Now maybe their information was identical for convenience’s sake, but it wouldn’t be the first time I came across a teenage couple cohabitating under the roof of one of their families. And it was a sobering reminder of just how acceptable it’s become for teenagers to play house under the roof of their parents’ homes. No matter how much I try to convince myself that it’s for the best for families to raise their children together, even if it means staying down the hall from mom and dad, while I’m in the process of becoming a parent myself, I can’t see me ever allowing that type of living arrangement for my child.

I always make an attempt to see if I’m being close-minded, so I asked a co-worker how she would handle things if her son became a teenage father.

“If it was a choice between my house or the street, I’d allow her to stay with us. I wouldn’t want my grandchild out there with nowhere to go.  On the other hand, I am so glad I have a boy.”

She responded referring to the fact that teenage mothers often bear the bulk of responsibility when it comes to raising a child. And when she put it that way, no one wants to see a young mother living on the street, but are parents as generous when it comes to teen fathers?

My mother made it clear that no one would be getting their ish off under her roof, but she and my father. Her mentality when it came to sex was that if a young man couldn’t find an appropriate place to have sex with a woman he cares about that wasn’t disrespectful to anyone, then they shouldn’t be having sex at all. So I know damn well she would never go for boyfriends spending the night or sharing an address with us, child’s father or not. But more and more parents feel that allowing a teenage couple to stay in their house not only gives them more safety but gives the parents more control because they believe they can keep a better eye on them. Not all teens who are allowed to live together will use it as an excuse to “lay up”, but I’ve consoled too many parents who feel guilty because their second and even third grandchildren were conceived in their households.

I understand things happen. Teenagers get pregnant and they all can’t then jump up, get jobs, find a one-bedroom apartment and live happily ever after. But I do believe that one of the best ways to encourage people to do better is to force them to face the consequences of their actions. And if the “consequence” to becoming a teen parent is getting to play house with your child’s father, I’ve taught more than a few girls who’d be asking, “Where do I sign?”

I’m a sincere believer that adult privileges should only accompany adult responsibilities. And there is nothing responsible about bringing a child into this world while everyone but you is footing the bill while you get to go around and legally claim you’re an “adult”. There is proof that raising a child cohesively in the same household is better for consistency and the general well-being of a child to see their parents living and functioning as a family unit on the daily, but unfortunately I feel that is something that teens need to see they are sacrificing when they become pregnant before they are fully independent.

And what about those teen fathers? It’s heart-breaking to see a young mother couch jumping with her pregnant belly or newborn baby, but how many fathers do you think you pass by on a daily basis who are expecting  a baby with a girlfriend or just trying to make ends meet for their young children but have no idea where they are sleeping each night? Does it make a difference to you if it’s your grandchild’s mother begging to sleep on your couch or his or her father?

Multi-generation households can be rewarding in many ways for all involved, but all too often I’m listening to the complaints of young mothers and fathers in my classes about how their values and rules are constantly at odds with their parents and their children are caught in the middle of the opposing views. My answer for them every time? “Things always seem to get better when you get your own. Then you can make your own rules.” If a family intends to be supportive, they can do so whether they share the same address or not.

I don’t think there are any easy answers when it comes to parents placed in this situation, but at the end of the day I think there should at least be a plan in place for teen parents to get their own when they find themselves raising children in their parents’ households. It takes a village to raise a child, but we don’t need to fight over the bathroom every morning to do so.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

 

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