Over the course of the day I managed to see Nicki Minaj’s bare behind looking like she just landed off the pole while promoting her latest single, and a trailer of the “50 Shades Of Grey” movie every sexually stifled woman in America over 17 has been dying to see which I’m guessing will feature bondage and a whole lot of lip biting. I didn’t have to enter my date of birth on a porn site to see them or charge late night pay-per view to a credit card. All I had to do was scroll through my Facebook feed. It was a brutal reminder of the fact that only in America do we love to talk about sex, without really talking about sex.
Which is why I was happy to discover that in a society that is so falsely sexually enlightened, some good seems to be coming with repeatedly being exposed to women in graphic sexual situations: According to science, a woman losing her virginity is no longer the huge deal it once was. Illinois State University conducted a survey recording emotional reactions to both sexes getting their freak on for the first time and discovered that losing the V-card is increasingly become a more pleasurable experience for both sexes and not the anxiety-riddled 90’s sitcom scene it used to be.
“The first intercourse experience continues to be a more positive experience for men than for women,” researcher Susan Sprecher writes in the Hello Giggles article.
“[In 1990] men experienced significantly more pleasure and anxiety than women, whereas women experienced more guilt than men,” claims Sprecher about the study conducted on around 5800 university students from 1990 to 2012. “Anxiety decreased over the three decades for men; pleasure increased and guilt decreased for women.”
Throughout my adolescence I can remember receiving clichéd messages about virginity that never really made much sense to me. Back then everyone from my mom and dad to the characters on Blossom referred to virginity as “giving away a special gift” or being sure your “first time is special”. And for those reasons I believe many women cling to the fantasy that their first will be forever no matter how unhealthy the circumstances. Teenage girls grow into grown women placing themselves under tremendous amounts of pressure to uphold this image of purity or putting tremendous amounts of pressure on themselves (and the men they become involved with) to make the first time perfect. By hearing those messages in my youth, I really began to believe that my first time could make or break any future sexual experience I would ever have. And I’m sure many girls today carry the belief that if the first time at sex isn’t enjoyable, they’ll never find the right person to get it “right” with ever again, because somehow now they’re tainted or “used merchandise”.
What the Illinois study reveals is that those guilt trips are slowly becoming a thing of the past and we probably have Beyonce’ guzzling watermelon or even Miley twerking to thank for that. Sprecher suggests, “Women’s guilt may have decreased also because of a reduction, in general, of social regulation of female sexuality and in the double standard, and the increase of role models for sexuality in the media for females.” Now I’m not saying every woman walking around half naked is sexually empowered or even suggesting that sex itself isn’t a big deal, but I do applaud the fact that society for the first time doesn’t seem to be sending conflicting messages about women’s sexuality. Slowly we’re realizing that women are sexual beings with needs and desires that aren’t always all rose petals and candlelit massages.
MTV’s new show “Virgin Territory” explores the pressures that losing one’s virginity may or may not bring by looking through the eyes of several young people who are on the verge of swiping their V-card. Some of the men and women featured are holding on to their virginity for dear life until they found the one they feel it’s right to share it with, while others are just looking for the opportunity to lose their scarlet letter. I don’t think sex should be looked at carelessly, but I do think the more normalized healthy sexuality becomes as a subject, the less women will feel trapped in this “you can look, but you can’t touch” mindset. I could never help but feel insulted by how patriarchal women’s sexuality is in our society. If men aren’t determining what’s sexy and what isn’t, they are telling us we are “giving our virginity” to them when, let’s be honest: All it really is having sex for the first time which, should be pleasure shared by BOTH parties. Not just a guy taking something a woman can never get back. Just because some man’s penis is going where no one’s ever has before, doesn’t mean I am no longer in control of my sexuality. By beginning to approach a woman’s first time having sex for exactly what it is and not acting like it’s holy grail of all things sacred in sexuality, we can begin having honest conversations about things that really matter like values, healthy relationship qualities and women protecting themselves both physically and emotionally.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want young girls to go around reciting the lyrics to “Partition” like it’s the theme song for sexual empowerment, but by placing ridiculously high standards on what’s between women’s legs, aren’t we implying what’s in their heads and hearts isn’t nearly as important?
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
