Exclusive: Writer Feminista Jones Talks Sex & Spirituality, Sex With A Bonnet & Her Love Of Erotic Asphyxiation

July 14, 2014  |  

Source: Twitter

This weekend we had the pleasure of attending Tribe Called Curl’s “Kinks Come Out At Night.” The Brooklyn event which discussed natural hair, sexuality and the intersection of the two featured a burlesque show, panel discussions, goodie bags, a natural hair expo, a musical performance and special presentations from a Bedroom Kandi representative.

During the evening, sex positive, feminist writer Feminista Jones hosted the event and spoke on a panel where everything from first sexual experiences to anal sex were discussed. Afterward, we spoke with Feminsta Jones about being comfortable in expressing her own sexuality, how she reconciles her spirituality and sexuality and her love of erotic asphyxiation.

MN: When would you say you felt comfortable with speaking about your sexuality and weren’t concerned with judgment? 

FJ: Since I was like an adolescent. My mom was very open and liberal. In the 1980’s my mom was a really big HIV/AIDS activist. She was very big in the LGBT community. So she was always very  openly talking about sex and sexual awareness and health and things like that. My mom was very liberal and she really raised me to be comfortable with who I am and to talk about those things. My dad was in the picture but a lot of times it was me and her and so we would have these conversations. And I’ve just always been curious. I’m an Aries and I’m an only child so I’ve always been really curious and exploring. “What’s this? What’s this? What’s that?” Never stopped. And I felt compelled as a black woman to talk about the sex that I felt like we were not allowed to talk about. Historically, our sex has been taken from us and robbed from us but we have a right to own it. So I feel like that’s my advocacy, my resistance, that’s my fighting against white supremacy, is just talking about sex.

MN: I heard you talk about Ramadan so how do you navigate your spirituality and your sexuality?

FJ: So I’m not officially a Muslim. My boyfriend is and I participate in Ramadan in solidarity with him. But I am looking towards reverting to Islam. I reconcile it in that my understanding of the faith is not based on a dogma and is not based on other people’s interpretation. I grew up in a Christian household and I grew up in the church, like literally Wednesdays, Sundays, twice Fridays whatever. And I left it because it just didn’t resonate with me anymore. I didn’t feel it in my spirit. I was just like “I’m not convicted. I’m not convicted” and I became interested in Islam a few years ago and I’ve been just kind of studying and I’m feeling more and more compelled. For me, it’s like this is who I am and I feel that I will be accepted as I am. And I don’t feel that I need to go with what “man” says because there’s a lot of oppression in that. I’m just going to be me. My boyfriend approves of it, he loves it the way I am and he celebrates me. The only thing that might change is that I might culturally wear a hijab or a veil or something like that, maybe a niqab just something to cover whatever but outside of that, not really. And I follow a lot of sex positive Muslim feminists on Twitter. They’re very open about these things too, so I’m learning a lot from them about on how to reconcile those things.

MN: Talk to me about the bonnet. I’ve heard far too many black men speak out against sleeping with or having sex with a woman who’s wearing a bonnet or scarf. 

FJ: It’s a reminder that you’re black. Honestly, I’ve seen enough of these conversations to know that a lot of these guys want girls that don’t need satin bonnets. In that they’re kind of saying I want a girl whose hair does not need to be wrapped up in that way. That shows an ignorance in the care for natural hair. They don’t really know what goes into it. A lot of them are used to dealing with girls who’ve had relaxers that maybe don’t really do that. Or they prefer women whose hair textures don’t really require that, although it benefits all women, still they kind of see it as a black girl thing. A lot of these young people, especially online, are trying to avoid black girl things. And I think it’s a rejection of that blackness part of us. That’s kind of what I see it’s tied to. And I just think you know, they’re dudes, fuck ’em. I’m sorry. They’re going to pick on anything about us, they’re going to find some kind of way to complain about something that we do that doesn’t work for them. The guys that I know, don’t give a shit. I don’t know a man over thirty who actually has a job, has a real life, is an active member of the world who cares whether or not you have a bonnet on your head. Are you giving him head? Good. You can have whatever you want on your head. That’s how they feel.

MN: Let’s talk about trust. I know a lot of women are doing things they don’t necessarily feel comfortable doing just to satisfy their partner. Can you speak a little bit about the importance of really trusting someone and not doing anything you just don’t feel comfortable doing. 

FJ: I mean I think ultimately, it’s about you trusting yourself and your ability to make the right judgment calls when it comes to people. And if you trust yourself to make the right judgment calls, you’ll probably choose people with whom you feel extremely comfortable.

MN: Outside the bedroom?

FJ: Outside the bedroom, right. It’s always outside of the bedroom first. When you move into the bedroom, you have to trust yourself to communicate with somebody and you have to trust that person that what you say to them and what you express to them, however it is, is going to be received with respect, with care, with tenderness and it’s not going to be exploited. And I think unfortunately, unfortunately, many women are not taking the time to find out is this person going to exploit my body, my heart, my mind for their personal gain. You have to start there. And I think from there, once you establish that trust and once you feel like I’ve told you this about me and you responded in a way that makes me feel safe and protected, let’s try these other things.

MN: Talk to me about erotic asphyxiation. How did you first find out you were into that?

FJ: Actually a guy just kind of did it. It came out of nowhere. He was in the middle and he just wrapped his hand around my throat and was just like (makes a squeezing noise). And I was like “Oh, Daddy.” I don’t call men daddy anymore. But it really was one of those happenstance kind of things. It was something I guess he was into and just kind of slipped up and did it. And I realized then I like this, I like the way this feels. I like the control aspect of that. I like the losing of my breath. I like what it does to my body. So…yeah. That’s when I got into it. And then I would have partners that wouldn’t do it and I realized I was like “Ok…I mean this is ok.” But I realized it’s a thing for me. And so my current boyfriend, it took him a while to get comfortable because he was raised, you don’t put your hands on women, you don’t hurt them and things like that. But it was something that he’s always been into. And he finally [trusts] me, who makes him feel safe doing it and so now it happens all the time. It’s awesome.

MN: Why don’t you call men Daddy anymore?

FJ: That was just a one time…I was stupid when I was young. I have a really strong relationship with my own father who I call Daddy and I’m not really into the age play kind of thing. That’s a fetish for some people. I’m not into that. So I don’t call men daddy, they’re not my daddy. George is my Daddy. I’m still a Daddy’s girl.

 

To learn more about Tribe Called Curl, visit their Facebook page here. 

Trending on MadameNoire

View Comments
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
blog comments powered by Disqus