Do Men Think Something’s Wrong With A Woman If She’s Not Married By 30?

112 comments
July 9, 2014 ‐ By Dr. J

 

Not Married By 30

Source: Shutterstock

Not long ago I was having a conversation with a friend about why men date younger women. She suggested that men are worried that older women (age 30 and over) must have some type of inherent flaw. I said I could only agree to some extent. Having dated older and younger women, I can say there are benefits to dating both, but being older isn’t an indication that you may be flawed.

The fact of the matter is that most men who are wondering what’s wrong with said woman are probably over 30 themselves. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? It’s also assuming that she’s been actively trying to get married or seek out a relationship throughout her twenties. That’s something that in our day and time may not hold true. Plenty of women choose to focus on things outside of a relationship and marriage. It also assumes that she wasn’t in a long-term relationship that ended because of compatibility issues. She’s not single because she’s flawed but because she realized that the man she was dating wasn’t who she wanted to be with for the rest of her life.

I’d like to tell you that with age comes maturity but that’s not true. I’ve met 35-year-old women who were just as immature as an 18-year old woman. I’ve met women who were 22 and wise beyond their years. It’s really hit or miss. What I can tell you, though, is that while I know men who wonder about a woman’s age, I think it’s rather silly. When I think of all the things I’m factoring into picking a mate, her age isn’t one of the highest items. It’s actually very secondary in nature. I’m searching for compatibility, mutual interests/goals and the desire to build something worthwhile. If that comes with a woman who is ten years my senior, then so be it. Any man who’s wrecking his brain trying to figure out if her age is a precursor of flaws is wasting his time on things that aren’t all that important.

Currently, about 15% of women are older than their spouses. That number is rising because gender dynamics and paths in life are morphing in the 21st Century. There are more people who realize that in today’s society it’s better to focus on a great match that won’t end in divorce rather than age and I would expect that in a short amount of time that 15% will rise considerably. What this means is that all the men who are still putting too much thought into a woman’s age are becoming archaic.

Therefore, just like I say with many other “unconventional” happenings in relationships and marriage, what works for you works for you. Nobody has to be in your relationship but you. As men mature they understand this more than they did when they were young. They understand that it takes much more than your age to determine compatibility. And you should know that too.

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  • Patricia

    I have so tired of these men with these double standards and this is pot calling the kettle black. These men have a problem and think something is wrong with the woman if she is over 30 and has not been married. Well guess what men if any is reading this, I have ran across men who is over 40 and has never been married and never had any children, I have ask them just like they have asked why they have never married and don’t have any children or paying child support. I do have a preconceive notions just like they have with me. Which I know I should not have. Some women have a very good reason just like you do, maybe she wants to focus on her career and make money, maybe she does not want to be in a relationship and working on trying to get herself together before jumping into another relationship. There could be some good reasons. It is so amazing to me that these men don’t have not one problem questioning women why they are not involved in this stage of their lives but, they don’t want you to question them about their situation of something may be wrong with them what they are not involved at a later stage in their lives.

    • Vandellish

      I’m one of those over 40 never married with no kids guys and I also really don’t care how it ‘looks’ to other people. Marriage and family just hasn’t happened for me yet but who knows?

      My beautiful lady is 30 and she worries about it too but I tell her just be happy we’re moving in the right direction and don’t worry about what’s happened or didn’t happen for me in the past. Seriously, you’re with me now and concerned about why I’ve never been married????

      I myself could give a shyt about a woman’s age in regards to her relationship status because I know there are millions of variables that contribute to who and where she is in her life. Everything happens or doesn’t for a reason.

      How is it 2014 and people still don’t understand that we all have very different journeys to what we consider greatness?

      • Rawtid

        this right here! well said.

  • Pingback: Is There Hope For Single Women Over 30? | Nairobi Digest

  • OSHH

    Sounds like some folk are looking for perfection, when they are never going to find that, what one might come across, is someone they are compatible with.
    Meaning you are able to suffer one another’s faults/flaws and shortcomings.
    That is the true definition of compatibility and what a rare find that is combined with a shared chemistry, attraction and direction.
    Those titles ” good” man or woman are idiotic because it takes more than being “good” to be RIGHT for someone and them RIGHT for you in turn.

    Also I have seen many dudes end up with someone that was not who they wanted the most or loved the most, rarely do people end up with that person but if you are fortunate enough quite a bit of that fortune, is about the timing, the right person crosses your path, at the right time, with the right mind frame and right circumstance.

  • The Elusive Chanteuse

    Judging someone for their age [im talking both genders] will only let you view them through clouded lenses. You will end up missing out on a great person because you’re sleeping on them or investing in someone’s image you created in your head only to find they’re not that person. Just focus on getting to know them. The only contradiction I have for my statement is unless you want kids. A 50 year old woman might have all the qualities that you want but you guys might have issues conceiving children. but there’s 20 yrs old with that problem so i guess my statement stands.

  • f

    I was born to a man and woman who were married to other people but cheated on their husband and wife to have me. I think I got their Karma. I don’t think I will ever get married. Not because I don’t want to but because I don’t know what a healthy loving relationship is. I have 4 children that I love to death and I am happy that I have them because I have always wanted children but if I had waited for Mr. Right I would be looking at my 40s with no children. I have a few friends like this who are single established and spent 10-14 years with two men or whatever but no marriage or no children. Not knocking them but it’s painful to watch them want children so badly but are waiting on Mr. Right. I am a very attractive women who loves hard has been supportive to my kids dad and other men I have dated but what I have found is that with the guys I have dated. They are not happy. I try to be happy all the time even when I’m down I try to find away to make my self happy. Some of these men have been downers. I can honestly say all I want is a happy man or a man who is optimistic. Everything isn’t rosy all the time but these men always look for the worst in people situations and whatever there is never no bright side. I don’t know. I might need to go to therapy. I have had three guys say to me not everyone is like you not everyone sees the good in people or believe people can be good so if I’m negative person why are you around. I think it’s because I feel I can bring joy to people but if they are broken how much joy can I bring.

    • NOPe

      Don’t ever think of yourself as being a curse, or the result of karma. Your parents made a mistake and people make mistakes, but people themselves are not a mistake.

    • The Elusive Chanteuse

      Sorry to hear about your parents but that’s THEIR story. NOT YOURS! you’re miss positive , right? well apply that your dating life. The good news is you already have 4 gorgeous kids so all you would have to do if find a partner to come complete the dream! Mr. Right comes right on time. I’m sure who ever you meet will appreciate and love the woman it took 40+ years for you to become. Those downers were just practice.

    • KIM

      To “f”…don’t ever believe that you are somehow cursed because of the deeds of another person. I am right now battling breast cancer and some guy who considers himself to be very religious, tried to sell me that bill of goods. Nope, ain’t happening! I don’t know why I’m battling this since I never spoke, work out daily, eat right and possess none of the other high-risk factors. But here I am. But you know what, life is what you make it. I have always been, and continue to be a strong person. Sounds like you are too. Life is hard enough without having to raise 4 children alone. But, they’re here and I’m sure you love them tremendously. Always do the best you can. With 4 children to raise, I would imagine you barely have time for yourself, let alone another person in your life. Men need time and attention just as much as children. Right now you don’t have any to spare. Concentrate on your children. They won’t be little forever. Once they are older and/or out the house, you will have plenty of time of live your life. Be extremely careful who you allow into your life right now because you not only have yourself to protect, but 4 others as well. Give them the best you can give them. It will pay off. Good luck to you in all you do.

    • thatguy0101

      I see what you are saying, but are these men more so, REALISTIC, or are they Negative? I ask because I’ve been called negative before and Im far from negative… Im just a realist.. this thing we call “life” is crazy! If everything went the way people wanted it or wished it, wouldnt this be a Jolly ole’ great world?? Yes it would be, but realistically it dont work that way. I live by this motto, to avoid getting my feelings hurt, lol.. “Hope for the best, expect the worse”.

  • AmicusC

    “It’s also assuming that she’s been actively trying to get married or seek out a relationship throughout her twenties” this right here is part of the problem. if she hasn’t been it means her priorities are messed up. plus guys date younger as women in their 30′s have a quickly closing window of fertility they don’t want to rush into that. younger women have more time you don’t need to start trying to have kids asap. plus younger women are almost always better looking.

    • Rawtid

      but what if she doesnt want kids? if a marriage or relationship is not what she wants or is focusing on why does that mean her priorities are messed up?

      • AmicusC

        its an article about dating. if you are marriage minded and want a family your window of opportunity shuts fast. if you are not making that your priority you are doing something wrong. if you don’t want that then you are not one of the women being discussed in the article.

        • Rawtid

          umm yea doesnt make sense. the point being made is that not every woman (or man for that matter) is actively out trying to get married or looking for a relationship or making any of the above a priority in their lives and that should be ok. why are someones priorities jacked bc they have a diff focus than the next person?

          so its okay for a man tp be career focused (for example) throughout his 20s but if a woman is her priorities are screwed up

          • AmicusC

            yes because a woman’s fertility doesn’t last as long as the man’s. biology is a b$%^&. there is plenty of time for career after kids there is little time for kids after making the career the priority

            • Rawtid

              all irrelevant if she doesnt want kids. and even if she does want kids, if shes wants to put her career first and focus on building a family later why is she being judged

              • AmicusC

                no not irrelevant. if you want kids you want to make sure they are healthy and the woman you with can actually have kids. the older women get the more likely it is the kids going to have problems or the more likely she aint going to be able to have kids.
                shes being judged because men the same age as her have options to date younger women that are more likely to be fertile and less likely to have kids with problems. its like anything else there is less risk with younger women and your not in a rush to pop a baby out before fertility disappears.
                if a woman wants a family and she not making it a priority that says she doesn’t really want the family. as a guy why risk it?

  • aguy

    Not at all really at any age. But red flags do come up ……………..WHY ? There are things that men look at , now more than ever. Men now want to be STRESS FREE or DONT WANT ADDED STRESS. So that women ,who’s single, with the nice job, her own whatever and is independent , thats all well and fine ……but will she give you grey hairs ? Looks are one thing that we admire in a woman that we want to marry , but the MAIN thing is ATTITUDE. Attitude towards herself, (is she confident or a pushover that cant decide without her support group in her ear),her attitude towards the relationship (is she in it for the long haul & is she genuine , or is their another agenda (money, etc) , and her attitude towards the man.

    • thatguy0101

      Man, you hit it on the head! Cant agree more!

      • aguy

        Hey look , im not trolling or looking to tear women down on here . All Im asking is that the ladies , just look in the mirror sometimes. We’re asked , what do we want in a woman, and we’ll tell you, or show you if you don’t believe us.

        • Kwazi Style

          Your honesty and truth is appreciated, however I think when men are ready to settle down and be married, they marry the next person they’re with or who they are currently with. I’ve seen it happen too many times. A woman being syrupy sweet and submissive doesn’t fly either b/c some men seem to LOVE bat-sh!t crazy women .. I’m talkin joseline hernandez/ evelyn lozada types. I suspect it keeps things exciting for yall lol.

          • thatguy0101

            Umm yea I understand what you mean, but I know me….I’ll NEVER marry evelyn or joseline, but I would DEFINITELY hit it though ;) yes indeed! Why not! lol *biggie voice*

            But Kwazi, Im agreeing with you, most men even myself, dont want a woman to be OD submissive, thats not what I saw growing up with my parents (who are still happily married) and it would get annoying afterwhile, but I think women have lost the true meaning of being submissive. Men dont want no servant, we want a partner that makes us feel like a man, and we make you feel like a woman.

            How would you define being submissive to your man?

            • Kwazi Style

              I would define submissive much like you have. My grandmother was “submissive” , she allowed my grandfather to be a man and didnt question him in public .. however there was no decision made w/o her input. I think the word “submissive” is what puts a sour taste in women’s mouth. Maybe someone should come up with a less slavish (sic) sounding word lol

              • Rawtid

                i mean if you look at the actual definition of the word it denotes inequality and authority of one person over the other.

            • Rawtid

              i don’t believe in submission (between two adults). i wish people would stop using that word. im all for compromise though and you know doing things to keep your partner happy.

        • thatguy0101

          Look bruh I agree with you 1000%. I meet quality women all the time with all the nice things; houses, cars, vacationing twice a year, no kids and I congratulate them, give them a fist-bump and hi five and all….. but at the end of the day its the ATTITUDE like you said..that matters the most.. what ever happen to the nice, pleasant, easy-going, friendly woman thats humble…. and thats all Im asking too, and Im getting ripped apart on this blog lol

    • Rawtid

      this is fair

  • KIM

    By the way, I’m 54 and I could be married tomorrow if I chose to be. I am single by choice. When you are comfortable with who you are and what you can bring to the table, you have a world of options, and men know it. I have my own cars, own home, travel when I want, where I want. When I want company, I invite someone. When I don’t, I go alone. If and when I decide to get married it will be because I choose to be, not because I feel less than because I’m not.

  • KIM

    …another stupid article that I choose not to read because I can’t even get past the ridiculous title. Love reading what your readers have to say though.

    • thatguy0101

      Me too.. I didnt even read the article, I just like hearing what other people have to say, there stories and there opinions on topics like this and political stuff.. no harm intended.

  • lockstress

    Its unfortunate that the intelligence that i’ve acquired about life, love, the world, etc is gained by 30ish/40ish but my body is ‘old” in terms of making a baby. Its too bad because mentally…the older you are the better equipped you’ve become in handling issues and such.
    Oh well…I’m 40 not married but in a long standing relationship and i’m ok with it. lol

  • RUTUL

    Nope i dnt think

  • 1Val

    This article is hilarious!!!

  • positivebeatsnegative

    You kknow what…I’m absolutely sick of articles such as this, it seems that when it comes to relationship everything is always the woman’s fault.

    Some examples…

    Standards are too high -_- (I will never forget the advice I received from my co-worker “what’s wrong with having standards and being picky, you should be if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this person, I was picky, I married my wife 12-years ago and couldn’t happier)

    She has no goals (are you with the person for financial means or to have a team player?) Honestly if all you want is someone constantly chasing the golden ticket, when do you have time to nurture the relationship? Not saying that the person should sit and scratch their behind all day but gees, what is so wrong with being really happy with the career you chose? Also I’ve experience when you are chasing the golden ticket (as a woman) most men cannot handle it…why? Because many want you to be independent as long as you goals do not interrupt what you should be doing for them…#facts

    She a hoe, yeahhhh I fill like any man with multiple children and never been married has no right to call any woman a hoe, you sir are a hypocrite and disgusting (I might add) sharing your manly part with every Sue, Tamika and Jane is not cute either.

    I find a lot of men (at least the ones I’ve dealt with) want all the glory with no work put in towards the glory…I’m older and I’m tired of adjusting and readjusting myself with hopes of getting a man to marry me, at this point you get what you see, if its not good enough move it along and by all means you can do some work to snag me as well (rolling my eyes)

    • Rawtid

      “I’ve experience when you are chasing the golden ticket (as a woman) most
      men cannot handle it…why? Because many want you to be independent as
      long as you goals do not interrupt what you should be doing for
      them…#facts”

      lettuce bow our heads and say AMEN

  • Machone

    Jeez, another article of why black women aren’t married by the age of 30. Let’s just ignore the fact that black women outnumber black men, the percentage of black men incarcerated, black men who date interracially, black bums that bring nothing to the table, etc. Yes all of those are factors…..

    • NOPe

      “The question I’ve never heard a woman answer, online or offline, is why aren’t they getting or keeping quality men? They wind up with someone, but why hasn’t it been with you?” – Nope

      • 1Val

        A “quality” man is subjective term. A quality man for one woman could be unworthy for another woman. Why should women concern themselves with their exes lives?

        • NOPe

          However a woman defines a “quality” man as being for herself. I do usually put that descriptor in the question, but I still never get a direct response, just like now.

          • 1Val

            I’m certain you will continue to ask that question. lol. As a married woman I certainly don’t concern myself with why are single men single? Go figure.

    • thatguy0101

      I’ll have to agree and disagree with you. black men incarcerated and the black men that dont date black men, and the black bums…yes these men do exist, I know a few and they do screw up the numbers alittle, but thats not the majority and not every man is like that, give or take, I would say its about “60-40″ quality black men to bum black men ratio.

      You cant tell me all you meet is bums? every black man youve encountered was a bum? I find that hard to believe…if this is so, No disrespect but you might want to look in the mirror and re-evaluate what you see.

  • Jael

    What if you’re divorced by 30? Where do I stand lol?

    • thatguy0101

      To me, thats different.. I respect you 100x more that you took a shot at marriage, at least you tried and did it the right way but unfortunately it didnt work out *shrug* oh well.. on to the next right?

      • Jael

        Thanks for that :-) Yup on to the next lol.

      • Rawtid

        that lacks a whole lot of logic

  • therulersback

    I found that too many women are extremely AVERAGE with their jobs, goals, intelligence, appearance, outlook on life, etc… However, they believe that they are world beaters who deserve a combo Lebron and President Obama. I’m like, you never read and love your average job so much, why would you expect this rare specimen to fall into your life??

    • Guest

      Duh…there are always going to be more people who are average, hence the phrase “the average person”. There’s nothing wrong with that. I do however agree that people need to stop thinking they deserve more than what they’re worth.

  • az

    Who the f*ck cares what men think?

    • thatguy0101

      Niiice! lol

    • NOPe

      Which is at the root of many women’s problems with men in general.

      • 1Val

        Men dismissing and not caring what women think is the root problems of many men in general.

        • NOPe

          You’re talking about men and women in an actual, real life relationship, right?

        • thatguy0101

          See! We starting off with all this man and women bashing… keep it mellow and friendly. I actually care what women think…and try to accommodate there needs..

  • thatguy0101

    Do I think something is wrong??? In most cases, Yes I do… and I stand firm by that especially when I meet women above 30, single, no kids, not/never married, nice and pleasant, established and actually ATTRACTIVE… I’ve been proven right EVERYTIME…its something that is in her or that she is doing that is keeping her single. One or more of the following applies:

    - She wasted so much time and was content with having a “boyfriend” for 8+ years of her life, from college to her 30′s. she was probably treated badly but just stuck around because she didnt want to start over or go back into the dating game. who the H*ll is boyfriend and girlfriend for more than 7 years?!? Self-esteem and self-worth issues.

    - Or she’s still out being the neighborhood ho, screwing around doing everyone and everything that looks good or has money. She’s too used up and men can sense this in a woman in a matter of time.

    - Or she’s a very established woman and has alot going for herself, which is great but her standards are SOO d*mn high, only about 5% of the men in the United States meet her standards/requirements. She has expectations like he must be 6 foot or higher (and im not jealous because Im 6’2), he must match or exceed everything she accomplished; if she has a masters degree, he must have one or a PhD. If I own a house, he better own something, if I drive fancy foreign vehicles, he better not be pushing a honda accord, catch my drift???

    - Or shes the type that only has guys friends, she doesnt get along with women. Big red flag!

    - Or shes too masculine, ghetto acting and loud. Characteristic that men DO NOT desire. Men like feminine women, point blank period.

    - Or shes not attractive or shes out of shape/fat. Lets be honest, we all desire someone in decent shape and somewhat attractive, both men and women.

    - Or shes crazy or has psychological-mental issues. Not emotionally or stable, possibly due to past relationships,

    - Or shes a baby momma. Possibly by multiple men, which is a HUGE turn-off.

    - Or shes bitter, anger or mean due to past dating experiences..

    This could apply to men too in some cases, but this is about women. I’m not saying EVERY single woman above 30 applies to one of these bullets, but im my experience and alot of my friends experience, one or more has been the issue. What women fail to realize is, real men, and yes THERE ARE ALOT of REAL GOOD BLACK MEN out here.. we dont let QUALITY women roam around in society or life alone. It just dont happen! Someone will approach her, whether its at work, on the street, at the grocery store, etc. and try to get to know her.

    • NOPe

      I agree with your point that men ultimately settle down with who they really want. The question I’ve never heard a woman answer, online or offline, is why aren’t they getting or keeping quality men? They wind up with someone, but why hasn’t it been with you?

      • 1Val

        And you are single too. Yet possess so much knowledge of women. lmao.

        • NOPe

          I’m married. So what else you got for me today?

          • 1Val

            So am I. Your being married is further proof that there is someone for everybody.

            • NOPe

              And your assessment was still wrong. Not that I expect you to admit that nor do I expect you to do anything besides deflect. I’m smart enough to know better than that.

    • heyheynow

      whoa you covered it all lol I think that 5% thing is one I’ve seen most often. Even at 26 when I have friends who are single in their twenties I think that some people have unrealistic goals. However if you really have some values or things that you don’t want to settle on you don’t have to. Personally my list was a little long but I did quite a bit of dating very proactive and I’ve found someone who I really like. I guess when you get to 30 though I think you should have made a good choice by then this whole sitting back and waiting thing is silly.

      • thatguy0101

        I know, my bad lol. Congrats to you on finding the one. Yea i agree, you should know what you want and be more realistic at 30, at least I try to be.

    • 1Val

      But you are still single with ALL of your insight to women. You still haven’t figured out how to find a woman who will love and accept you.

      • thatguy0101

        To answer your question, Yes I am single, but dating here and there. Do I have females 100% figured out? No, do I understand women alittle more than I use to, Yes. Because i have women somewhat figured out doesnt mean I’ll have my pick of the litter…. remember, women still have there issues. I cant change that in a woman. AM I out here on the prowl like some thirst bucket, trying to get EVERY SINGLE woman I see number? No! being thirsty for a man or woman aint a good look. I play it cool, try to approach a woman I see every now and then and some Im successful some Im not *shrug*

        But Why Im probably single is, I dont like dating women with children… I dont have any and I rather not enter into a “ready made family” relationship. Im 31. So lets keep it 1000, around my age, ALOT more women have at least one kid….lol ijs..

        • Kwazi Style

          Not true…. I think you’re fishing in the wrong pond sir. Besides my name the 2nd question men ask is if I have children.. when I answer no they are always shocked… I’m like really? I only have 2 gfs w/ children and they are married. But as someone stated earlier this goes back to standards. If you have them you may be villainized for not wanting to have children until married, if have children out of wedlock in your 20s you’re villainized for being a single mother. Either way I guess we ladies can’t win for losing. But on the other side I’m not shocked when the guy has children and like you I dont date fathers. You have to find a people to date who fit what you’re looking for, go to where those types of ladies hang and I can guarantee its not in the club on saturday night.

          • thatguy0101

            You see! Men are shocked right? Its not only me because us men are always meeting or running into women with kids. Dont get mixed signals here, No one is frustrated or mad or up in arms, im just stated experiences, and this is from the supposed “quality pool” of women.

            Whats interesting too is, when I meet the quality ideal woman, and I HAVE and I KNOW they are out there…. its something else, mainly attitude, or shes super-woman and can do it all, even when I offer to help in a kind manner. Or she wants to one up on me, Im trying to tell you lol some women act a certain way with there girls, but when they get around men…. idk, they sometimes change up.

            • taj

              “Im trying to tell you lol some women act a certain way with there girls, but when they get around men…. idk, they sometimes change up”

              What do you mean? What way do they act?

            • Rawtid

              ..but every child has a mother AND a father. regardless of their level of involvement or lack there of

          • Giselle

            I agree 100%

        • Rawtid

          ..but if we are being objective, don’t have the same issues as said women? being that you are single too? im having a hard time understanding how you can point the finger without also pointing one at yourself

        • Giselle

          That’s not true. A lot of 30 year olds don’t have children.

    • Rawtid

      def disagree with your last statement. I think men (esp good ones) are just as bad at choosing as women are. I think there are a lot of great quality women around who are single. but just like women say they want a “good” guy with all his ducks in a row, men say the very same things.

  • Just one mans opionion

    I have always preferred older women. Young girls doing the things that young people should be doing. At my age, I’m past that and hopefully the woman I’m with is also. Although, I have met some older women that want to recapture their younger days. LOL

  • Kwazi Style

    I’ve had a lot of guys ask me why I’m single and/or not married… Hell if I know …is there a good answer for that question other then the truth which is in my opinion that guys would rather be liars and players then in a relationship. It seems a faux pas for a women to be single because all of a sudden they look at you like ” whats wrong w/u .. u must have some flaw” ….

    • Just one mans opinion

      The “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” attitude is every where you look. Nothing wrong with (as far as I know) you, it’s just how things are these days. I have daughters and I know they will experience this at some point in their lives.

    • thatguy0101

      Im going to ask why you are single too!!! lol I dont know you, but from your picture you are attracitve. Whats the problem? So all the men you met were liars? Youve NEVER EVER met any decent, nice men?

      Me and a few of my friends would love to be married, we all are looking but in my cases, its the women. It seems to be ALWAYS SOMETHING!! ALWAYS!! insecurities, baby daddy drama, more insecurities, too masculine and arguementive, too much pride, cant ever ask a man for help, ego, super-women mentality, daddy issues, ……. list could go on. It gets to a point, when I start seeing certain characterisitics and qualities in women, I ask myself….can I see myself dealing with this for the rest of my life?? LOL you already know my answer…

      • mrs

        When i was single, i hated hearing friends blame others because they were single but wanted to marry. If you want to marry then date the people who possess the qualities you are looking for. Dont blame baby mama and daddy drama ( i knew that i didnt want to deal with that so i dated men w/o children – problem solved). There are good men and women out there. It only takes a phn call or two to realize this person isnt who you want so keep it moving. Stop pretending as if you have to get tangled into any drama- be it, baby mamas or daddies, broke folks, arrogants folks, strong willed folks, boring people, etc. Date to good ones and leave the ones you are not compatible with alone. Then you will get married.

        • NOPe

          I disagree with dating-to-be-married, if that’s one of the points you’re making. IMO, when people do that they basically chase off good peopl that might not have been compatible (which is MUTUAL by definition) but still could have brought value in their life. I think there’s value in having platonic relationships and I’ve noticed that many women without these types of relationships know very, very little about men in general and seem to have little interest in a man as an individual. A lot of women just know what THEY want (supposedly) and what they want a man to offer for THEM.

          Also, dating isn’t a transaction or have a prescribed process. A lot of women excel at individual pursuits (school, career, etc.) but are terrible at building and developing romantic relationships, which actually requires the feelings, input, and opinion of their partner.

          • mrs

            Then why complain. If women are single and men are single by choice, for fun, to meet friends, etc. then dont complaint. Nor question why a person is single. If dating is just a learning experience then deal with the drama. And since so many women dint know about men (as you claim) why question their single status. According to your commwnt, they should continue to date to ”learn about men.”

            • NOPe

              The point is that most men don’t care about why a woman is single. I think a lot of that is a woman’s own paranoia and self-consciousness being projected.

              • mrs

                A lot of men tend to ask that question.mrs

                • NOPe

                  Meaning that a lot of men want to settle down…?

                  • mrs

                    Meaning a lot of men want to know why that woman is single. When i was single, men asked me that quite frequently…”Why arent you wearing a ring?” That question never made me conclude he wanted to settle down.

          • Guest

            What men do you know that want to have platonic friendships with women? If they don’t want to f uck you, then they have other ulterior motives.

            • NOPe

              They might want to or wouldn’t turn it down, but they don’t have to. How many things do you WANT to do, but don’t?

              • Guest

                Why would I want to befriend someone when I know they want to f uck me. It undermines the whole thing.

                • OSHH

                  Exactly, as if the lust doesn’t “color” dudes motives, thoughts, actions etc. Now the exception is I am feeling him too and we are building, but outside of that, it is not going to happen LOL.
                  Platonic friends maybe can might happen, when you are young as in school age… maybe….. but in my experience, every single dude that I wasn’t interested in outside of platonic friends, could not handle that fact, and always ended up feeling some type of way and bouncing LOL. Male egos and all are fragile as ph*ck.

                  • NOPe

                    I’ve slept with several of my woman friends, doesn’t mean that we don’t have a platonic relationship now.

                    • OSHH

                      Great and good for you!
                      My comment stands esp so, since I have nooooo intention of sleeping with someone I am not feeling and or interested in on those levels. Again most dudes, the ones I’ve known, cannot handle that and really don’t step to me with platonic friendships on their mind tbw LOL

                    • Guest

                      you just keep proving my point. I think it’s horrible that you’ve slept with a lot of your woman “friends”. Those are not friends. They are booty calls, one night stands, slip ups & failed attempts at relationships. Why a woman would be befriend that is beyond me.

                    • http://nemyawaiting.blogspot.com Nemya

                      Friends: no, booty calls: yes. A “friend” of mine, was really friendly until he got some. After that, we remained “friends”. That is as long as he was getting it. And when I really needed him to be a true friend, he wasn’t because he was no longer getting it. Once you bring sex into any relationship: platonic or romantic, things change.

                    • For shame

                      You’re horrible! “You’d probably fux a dog on the street with no furs.” (in my joseline hernandez voice)

        • thatguy0101

          Pretty basic but useful advice… thank you. But doesnt it sound so
          easy? Ive tried that.. to be honest I KNOW for a fact there are good
          women out there, but finding them is the hard part.

          A few
          experiences Ive had in my close past, she was smart, great career,
          educated, seemed to be vibrant, energetic, no kids, attractive and
          all… real talk I was kinda hype LOL I thought I was on to something!
          but then I got hit with the… I need a man with some street or thug in
          him, he needs to be able to chill with real street dudes and then be
          able to mingle with corporate cats…. ………. *long pause for me*

          LOL
          I laughed, because I’m far from lame and Im all masculine, my demeanor,
          phsyique, etc. but I responded in a confused manner, why are you
          worried about if a guy has “thug” in him or not? Like, what relevance
          does that have to life when we are educated white collar workers??
          Thats when she got alittle mad and we just ended it there…. all I
          could think was INTERESTING! I had a few other cases like that too but
          in different scenarios…

          to be real with you, I hear other guys
          say this, but I never thought I would be that dude that would utter
          this, …WTF do women want? smarts like obama, swag like Jayz, build
          like dwayne johnson, looks like boris khodjoe, and the s*x game like a
          p*rn star…lol I mean seriously 0_o

          • Kwazi Style

            I’ve heard of this magical unicorn that keep telling men they want a thug.. Where are these women? I dont hang with them lol

            • thatguy0101

              Well we need to meet then ;)

              But seriously, you be surprised, I thought it was corny and lies too when dudes were saying that on blogs and just in general, then I got hit with it a few times. lol I was set back, like, did she really just say that?! 0_o lol I even got questioned why I dont have any tattoos.. lol I just laugh it off though, no tension.

              • Kwazi Style

                Wow…. Thats terrible… and are these women over 30? Educated? Self Sufficient? and seemingly drama free (ie, no baggage)? if not I can see a women who has father issues or having been in an abusive relationship before be more inclined to seek a man who they think can “protect” them which they equate to a thug. I could be wrong but I cant see a women raised by a father in a middle class environment pressed to find a thug.

          • mrs

            She wanted a thug. You couldnt provide that so move on. Dating is not cimplicated. Dont get your feelings hurt. Meet another girl or two or three and go out the following weekend. If you know you dont want baby daddy drama dont date baby mamas.
            And regarding comparing notes with your friends, if they are in the same boat as you then maybe you need to take advice from those who successfully found a mate.

          • mrs

            I got married because i wanted to. I didnt want to be single nor a single mother. I didnt fall for foolishness then blame men. There are plenty of tired people out here who are suitable partners. When i decided i didnt want to waste time dating men who didnt possess the qualities i desired, i met my husband. I didnt make excuses that the men were the problem…I DID THE D@MN THING and married. Date well and date often.

          • Kylie

            omg, I can’t lol. I refuse to believe you. Please tell me you’re just trying to make a point.

            • thatguy0101

              What? you think im lying??? I have no reason to lie to you. What alot of our blk women think (some dont) is all blk women are great and are quality!!! All blk women with college degrees, homes, nice cars are quality and classy and such great women….. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!

              What rock have you been hiding under for the past 25 years? DO you not see the influence music and music videos have on women? Do you not see the influence “Hip hop wives” “RHOA” has on our women?? Have you not taken a look at facebook or instagram lately and see what some women are posting??

              What Im saying is, I know there are good women out there, I know for a fact,… but aside from that, theres alot of trash out there too…and alot are disguised in sheep clothes. you would think a woman with a great career, no kids, several degrees, home owner, attractive would be classy, make wise decisions, and want a nice, great man… THIS IS NOT TRUE!

              • Kylie

                Well I haven’t even been alive for 25 years, so I guess I’ll take your word for it. It’s just odd that the men & women who complain about these trifling types can’t seem to find each other except when arguing with each other on blogs that decent people do exist.

              • Rawtid

                i believe you. I think what some women mean when they say that is they want to know if some ish hit the fan (for whatever reason), her dude aint gonna punk out or be scared. then there are those who really do want a true thug in every sense of the word. which is just confusing lol.

      • 1Val

        Rich that you know why women aren’t married yet you are still single.

        • mrs

          That’s my point!

      • Kwazi Style

        I’m embellishing a little… of course I’ve met, dated, and been in relationships w/plenty of great men and I’m glad to say I’m on great terms w/all my ex’s… however the guys that don’t get far tend to have issues w/ truth telling and commitment … the issue you’ve brought up I’ve heard b4 by many of my male friends and some of the women they’ve encountered are definite nut jobs. I guess with things being so “OnDemand” in this microwave society it’s strange when people actually value being patient and slowing down to find the right match. I dont think doing that means there’s something wrong with us.

        • thatguy0101

          I agree 100%.

      • Rawtid

        …or should we be returning the same question to you?

        “Whats the problem? So all the [wo]men you met were liars? Youve NEVER EVER met any decent, nice [wo]men?” without those issues? when people speak of always having the same problem/results gotta wonder who is at fault..the women you are picking or your ability to choose well

  • NOPe

    “The fact of the matter is that most men who are wondering what’s wrong with said woman are probably over 30 themselves.”

    Right. And I don’t think this train of thought generally comes from men to begin with.

    • sasha

      exactly. i think women are more self-conscious about this than men. it takes longer to establish a career these days and i don’t think 30 is particularly old to be unmarried. i think the side-eyes start to kick in (for both men and women) at 40.

      • NOPe

        I’m sure I’ll get tomatoes thrown at me for saying this, and I’m used to it by now, but this is another example of a woman problem being blamed on men. If men don’t want to settle down, as is often proclaimed by many women, then why would a man really care about why a woman is still singlet?

        • Vandellish

          Agree…I’ll piggyback off your comment and say that anyone who has a problem with anyone else’s relationship status it’s entirely THEIR problem.

          I say that as a 40 year old never married, no kids having guy. At about 32 I grew tired of worrying about others opinions about my life. Today people know I really don’t care about what they think. If they ask I’ll give the honest answer that I just haven’t found the WOW chemistry with a lady yet. If they say or imply something slick I simply tell them to go find some business or if I’m feeling really snarky I’ll say that “I’m looking for something just a little bit better than what you’ve found.”

          That usually triggers a change of subject within 15 seconds tops.

      • Guest

        But wasn’t the point that age is not the ultimate indication of someone with issues? What’s the difference between 30 and 40 if the factors discussed in the post still apply?