Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Giving “The Cookie” And Then Taking It Away

June 18, 2014  |  

Elexis: I’m 24,educated, and l prefer monogamy,but do you think I’m too young to be focused on something serious since I have STANDARDS when dating? Or do you think I should date around and weigh my options????

DY: I think you should keep living life and having fun. If you meet someone great? Great! If not, that’s great too. But, more than anything else, remember to enjoy your 20s.

Simone: What are your thoughts on giving the cookie then taking away the cookie for undetermined length of time. What kinda reaction would a boyfriend give?

DY: When in a relationship, sex should never be used as a punishment. Doing that creates a dangerous precedent. If you want to have sex, have sex. If you don’t, don’t. But don’t use it as a carrot.

2. Do me a favor. Please, never, ever, ever, ever refer to your vagina (or sex) as “the cookie” again.

Max: I am 40,educated, single parent of 1. My last relationship was with my child’s father,who passed away over 7 years ago. I am so scared to get into a relationship. I fear getting involved with a pedophile, abuser, or user. Yet, I long for companionship. I am not a very social person. I don’t know how to get out of this mindset. My child is 11y/o, and I keep telling myself to wait until she is an adult. Would this be the right thing to do?

DY: It sounds like you’ve never gotten over the death of your child’s father. If you haven’t already, I’d see a therapist. You might be suffering from depression.

Rochelle: I have been on and off with a guy for several years. Last summer when we were in a good place he said he couldn’t go any further…….I understood and took a step back and dated and no longer had sex with him……..he has never stopped pursuing and I don’t know whether to take him seriously “This Time” or not……..any advice?

DY: He’s had several years to show whether you should take him seriously. The answer obviously is “No”

Lynne: When it comes to relationship advice on social media- you often see men address women, women address women…. why do you think you think men rarely/almost never address other men when it comes to investing in a relationship?

DY: Two things

1. There’s a bigger market for relationship advice geared towards women. Women seem to be more willing to consume it, so that creates more people willing to give it.

2. There is a lot of male-to-male relationship discussion. The reason why you don’t see it is because…you don’t see it. Basically, these conversations don’t often happen when women are around. But, they definitely happen.

That said, I do think that the societal burden to “do better” with relationships/dating unfairly falls on women. It needs to be more balanced.

Samara: My ex of 4 years was planning on marrying me. He spoke to my parents got the ring the whole 9. Long story short he left because he found out I was having conversations with other men. Thats it conversation. There was never anything sexual our intentions of a relationship with these men. For me it was an outlet because my ex was no longer my best friend. We have been separated for 2 years yet he makes his presence know. He’s words exactly “you don’t see me all the time but I’m here at a distance. I’m still here” what is that about. Either you want to work together or you don’t I don’t get it.

DY: If you were making emotional connections with other men (plural), it sounds you may have been the one who didn’t want to “work together”. Which is fine. But, you should probably admit that to yourself.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at

Trending on MadameNoire

View Comments
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • DeepThinker

    Great advice. Short and to the point.

  • Stacey

    Pretty good advice this time around.

  • NOPe

    It’s hilarious that being “educated” is one of the first things out of a lot of women’s mouths. Told ya hollyw….

    • Stacey

      She is just trying to make it clear she is not some hoodrat off the street and can easily earn her own living and contribute financially. There is a huge difference between a receptionist spouse that makes 12 an hour and a woman who can earl 50 or more per year.

      • DeepThinker

        Being educated just proves you are disciplined and focused enough to acquire a means to possibly earn a decent living, but it does not necessarily reflect good character, class or integrity or that automatically means your dating standards are going to be high.

        • Lexi

          Hi!!! Im Elexis the young lady who asked the question that is featured,to clarify what I mean by standards,Im speaking in the since of a man who is financially stable enough to support himself, he DOES NOT HAVE TO BE EDUCATED because degree’s do not signify wealth school was just something I myself was good at. He carries himself well, dress wise and has good communication skills,I prefer no kids,etc….Just some of what I meant,and yes I have excellent character and my dating standards will always be high because I DESERVE a descent companion EVERY WOMAN DOES……

          • NOPe

            Well, a lot of women don’t meet the so-called standards of “good men” (however a woman defines that for herself). Men are the choosers.

            • Stacey

              I disagree totally, a lot of women that ask for educated, employed, well rounded men are all that. If not more. Especially black women. I see plenty black women dating down. I have done it and it doesn’t end up working because there is a disconnect. Yes! Education can cause a huge disconnect. I’m not going to sit here and say I don’t want an educated man because I definitely do.

              I’ve actually found that dating up works rather than dating down. No more struggle brother’s getting chances over here.

              You have to realize a lot of women are naturally giving. When a woman says she wants an educated man it could very well be because she has experienced being with an uneducated man and that experience did not work for her. There are often stories behind statements.

              Being able to present yourself well in different settings. That is a skill. Interacting successfully with all races, from wealthy to less fortunate, that is a skill. A lot of uneducated people have not been presented with the opportunity to move between these worlds.

              • NOPe

                My point is, why are so many of those women STILL getting picked over by these “good men”?

          • Guest

            Lmao… no every woman, or man for that matter, does not deserve a decent companion. If you are a decent likable person then you will someone, but honestly it’s up to other people to decide if you are good partner.

            • NOPe

              Basically. Kills me how people, usually women, nominate themselves as being an awesome person and partner. Ish like that needs references.

              • Stacey

                Actually people tell me that I am a great person. Does that count?

          • Dmax Lomax

            Every Women, but not every person?hmmmmm. sounds a bit self centered, lol. Maybe in Gods eyes every person, but I can tell you from what I’ve seen; Every person does not deserve a good companion. I think that’s something that should be earned and education has nothing to do with it.There are some real foul ppl in this world. IJS.

      • NOPe

        Not much of what you stated would be listed in the top 3-5 things a man desires in a woman. A lot of women are truly clueless about men, and therefore perpetually single even though they desperately desire otherwise.

        • Stacey

          I think you should speak for yourself and not all men. I know for a solid fact that a lot of men want a woman that has her own, can earn more, and can contribute to the household. These men respect the education and drive. This may not be you and that is totally fine.

          What are your top 3-5 things?

          • NOPe

            I’m married.

            • Wow

              Yeah, ok. D.L. Hughley is married too, but that doesn’t stop him from demonstrating his animosity towards black women, as you like to do up and down Madame noire comment threads.

              • hollyw

                #BOOM. Thank you!! These dudes who are loyal, and I mean LOYAL subscribers, be killing me lol smh…

                • Wow

                  Exactly. And when they tag team on a post shooting down BW I imagine them doing a jig behind the computer screen. lol…I see this particular conversation started with you getting called out. SMH. Petty.

                  • hollyw

                    LOL and I mean, from a convo that happened AGES ago that I had completely forgotten about. Smh they stay thirsty trying to keep the BW’s self-esteem down lol.

      • Kylie

        Then she should say “I’m not a hoodrat”. There are “educated” receptionist and people making 15/hr. When did educated and non-hoodrat become synonymous?

        • Psssshhhhh

          LOL hate much??? If a person wants to be proud of what THEY EARNED and WORKED HARD FOR let them anybody that has ever gotten a degree on their own without ANY help knows the struggle…Besides she never said hood rat and receptionists were synonymous you did……And what receptionist makes 15 dollars an hour????? definitely not where I live…. Girl bye.

          • Kylie

            Why so snide? She implied they were synonymous when she said that the question asker was trying to convey that she was not a rat. I didn’t even say that there were receptionists making 15/hr, but since you want to debate it, yes there are. Their salaries can vary greatly depending on where and who they work for.

        • Stacey

          There are but if they are educated they have much higher earning potential, that’s what I am getting at.

          Receptionist with no education vs. receptionist with masters degree. Who’s earning potential is higher generally speaking?

        • Dmax Lomax


    • Kylie

      I was thinking the same thing. It sounds very pretentious. I HATE when people say “I’m educated”. It makes me cringe. It’s like your trying to convey somethig worldly or great about yourself. But having a degree or 2 does not make you smart, classy, non-hoodrat-like or anything else. Black people need to stop with this education mess.

      • nik

        It doesn’t make you smart? There is a certain level of intelligence and discipline needed to get ones degree. Especially a masters or doctorates. I’m confused as to what “education mess” you’re talking about. Education certainly doesn’t make someone better than anyone else; it’s a great privilege to be able to afford/attain an education at a university, but it is still something to be proud of.
        If were going to take the word hoodrat seriously (I hate it and think it’s useless and dumb and sexist), then wouldn’t having a bachelors degree or higher by definition make someone not a hoodrat? Because aside from simply meaning a girl from the hood, it’s supposed to imply that someone is uneducated, “ratchet”, “simple”, and possibly street smart, but definitely not book smart so by measurable standards not intelligent. Like I think the phrase is dumb, but like by definition being “educated” or having multiple degrees excludes you from being a hoodrat.

      • Stacey

        So what though. If some is proud of their education, I am proud for them. They earned it. We as women should be more supportive of each other.

        Having an education IS great!!!

        Dead that you actually said “education mess”…talk about issues in the black community.

        • Kylie

          I didn’t say that it wasn’t something to be proud of, it is. I guess I’m just a really humble person and it didn’t make sense to me in the context of their questions why they are saying “I’m educated.” It seemed really left field. By “mess” I was referring to this arrogance that people, (usually minority or poor people) develop from having a degree.

          • NOPe

            Exactly. No one is knocking others for their degree(s), but the vast majority of people are totally indifferent to it. I’ve always said it’s “hyped up” mostly by Black people. I know very highly educated White people but you would never know it unless you asked them, whereas a whole lot of Black people with a degree(s) have it all up in their social media profiles and handles, it’s one of the first things out of their mouths (usually women…), etc.

            • Dmax Lomax

              Jim Crow has done a number on a lot of us and it still has an effect on us today and I feel what you are saying. I see a ton of ppl talkn about how educated they are, but were 3 sheets to the wind in a drunken stupor. I call them Educated Fools.

      • NOPe

        Exactly. When I hear that I’m like, “I’m posed to be impressed or something? And who are you typically around that even would be…?”. A person cares about their degree/education more than most other people do.

    • hollyw

      Huh? Why you shout me out, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

      • NOPe

        Oh, no, I distinctly remember us disagreeing on that point a while back. You said that you didn’t think women mention their degrees/education first thing. And I said that many do, and most men don’t care.

        • hollyw

          …right. We shall continue to agree to disagree on that front!

  • Live_in_LDN

    Eurgh, I really can’t stand it when people refer to a woman’s role in s3x as ‘giving/ giving up her s3xual organs’. (or whatever crude and childish euphemism they have for it). It assumes that women as passive objects to be taken.. No. S3x is a mutual activity that you should both enjoy. I agree with all the advice.

  • DanaCrispovi

    my Aunty
    Allison recently got a nice 6 month old Jaguar by working from a macbook.this website C­a­s­h­d­u­t­i­e­s­.­C­O­M­

  • guest

    If you don’t give up the cookie how will you know how to satisfy your man. When he leaves you for being dead in bed it won’t be black men’s fault it will be yours.

    • REALLY

      I hate this comment on so many levels. You just don’t know. I can’t even respond properly. So many thing wrong with this.

      • Kath

        Why would you have bothered to acknowledge such a comment?

    • OSHH

      There are these things called conversation and honest communication. You know when people open their mouths and express themselves getting to know one another truthfully and if they are compatible… likes, dislikes, assess if there is chemistry/attraction etc…. and believe it or not you can assess these things outside of the sheets and perhaps that is the best place to do so.

  • hollyw

    I agree that dating should not be taken AS seriously in our 20s, but you should also alwaysbe dating “with a purpose”. In other words, never drop your standards, even if you’re just “having fun”, imo.

    • Lexi!!

      Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Im Elexis by the way I asked that ????? lol and thank you!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

      • hollyw


    • NOPe

      And I advise particularly men in their 20’s to not get too serious with women. Date without a purpose, as most men do in general anyway.

      • hollyw

        Not really. Men and women in their 20s don’t have that different a philosophy; use the first half to mingle, and the second half to start getting your ish together. Not that complicated. But you keep advising 😉

        • NOPe