Dear Damon,
This is more of a general question, not anything I’m asking because of personal experience, just something I’ve observed. While there countless examples of women taking men back and forgiving them after they’ve cheated, why does it appear to be so hard for men to do the same? You may have heard the story of the 99 year old man who divorced his wife of 77 years after he found out about an affair she had 60 years ago or even more recently T.I. scolding his wife on Instagram for posing in a bikini or taking a picture with Floyd Mayweather when his own commitment to their relationship is…questionable. I understand men and women are different creatures but why is it so hard for men to forgive these type of offenses? Do you think they men do forgive more often than we know of and they just don’t talk about it like women do?
Sincerely,
Just Wondering
I have three somewhat connected but completely separate answers to this question. For clarity’s sake, I’m going to list them numerically.
1. I can’t speak for all men. But I can say with confidence that if you were to poll the men of America, asking them to name the number one relationship dealbreaker, physical infidelity would be at the top of the list. I realize (most) women don’t exactly love it when men cheat as well, but men (generally) are much more non-negotiable when it comes to that.
Why is this true? Well, some people will argue biology, that it’s an inherent quality we (men) possess. Some argue that we’ve been socialized to be less forgiving. But regardless of the base reasons, the emotional reaction is what matters, and when a woman cheats on a man, it makes him feel like his manhood has been taken from him. Basically, she cheated because the other guy was able to provide something physically that he wasn’t. Obviously, there are dozens of reasons — some that have nothing to do with bedroom prowess — that can contribute to a woman’s infidelity, but for (most) men, that “loss of manhood” is the immediate thought. And, for many men, there’s no getting over that.
2. That said…there are many men who welcome back cheating mates. They definitely exist. We just don’t hear as much about them because, well, lemme put it this way: (Generally speaking) Men tend to be less vocal about cheating mates than women are. Again, I’m speaking in general terms, but when a man cheats on a woman and she finds out about it, she’s going to tell everyone from her aunt to her hairdresser. If a woman cheats on a man, he’s going to tell….nobody. Because, right or wrong, he knows it’ll reflect badly on him. But yeah, there are a lot of men who know about their woman’s cheating, but take them back and keep things discreet.
3. This subject is often brought up from a “Why can’t men be more forgiving?” angle. Which is the wrong way to look at things. It’s not that men should be as forgiving with cheating as some women are. No, women should actually be less forgiving.
This — the idea of “cheating zero tolerance” — is one of the few instances where I think it would help women to be more like men. Basically, instead of expecting T.I. to be more forgiving of Tiny, we need to ask why Tiny is so forgiving of T.I.
