Meddling Moms, Giving Ultimatums And Other Ways You’re Taking Yourself Off The Marriage Track
Some women are perfectly happy being single for a lifetime. You’re not that girl. You want to meet an amazing guy who sweeps you off of your feet and get married.
Nothing wrong with that. Except, you may be sabotaging your own cause.
Here are 10 ways you may be derailing yourself from the marriage track:
Dropping hints about your dream ring.
Part of the reason guys are waiting longer to get married is the high expectations (and costs) of engagement rings. Most men don’t have upwards of $50,000 in disposable income to spend on the flawless Tiffany’s princess cut diamonds women fawn over, but some feel pressured to come as close as possible. Help alleviate anxiety by keeping things in perspective. Let him know that it’s not the size of the rock that matters, but the love it represents.
Often, force-feeding rigid timelines doesn’t give you the results you’re looking for, and it can be off-putting. They also create a power struggle where the man either maintains dominance by rejecting the request or relinquishes power by conceding, compromising the balance in which successful relationships thrive. Chances are, if you feel the need to give him an ultimatum, you’ve already allowed the relationship to extend beyond its expiration date.
Simply going with the flow.
Don’t sit back for years just being a girlfriend if you want more. Expect for him to be available, embrace your family and leave his phone unlocked. It’s in your best interest to make your intentions known. Better to learn earlier than later whether or not he envisions taking things to the next level with you.
Alienating his friends.
Demanding all of your man’s time or being cold to his friends prevents you from truly becoming a part of his life. Developing fun, friendly relationships with his circle helps foster a greater sense of companionship and emotional intimacy.
You moved in with him, or vice versa.
Playing house doesn’t carry the same stigma it did 20 years ago, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wisest decision for those looking to tie the knot. Studies have shown and experts have said that less than half of couples that cohabitate make it down the aisle. This could be the result of going through the growing pains of being newlyweds without actually being newlyweds.
You’re friends with all of the guys he knows and all of the guys he meets.
Every guy wants to marry a woman he thinks is special, which usually means relatively untouched too; the gem that emerges from shadows and has everyone else wondering, “Where did she come from?” Circles are only so big, so being that girl grows more difficult the older and more connected you get. The thing is, guys know that most men don’t want to be your friend – especially the guys they know. To them, the girl who’s always around a bunch of men could have possibly been more than just friends with them at one point. Keep your number of male friends to a minimum.
Lack of career ambition.
He may prefer you stay home after having kids in the future, but right now, he’s looking for a woman just as smart and ambitious as himself. A good wife brings out the best in her husband, pushes him to be great in his own right. He can’t see you as capable of doing that for him if you’re not first driven to do it for yourself.
Putting your career first in all facets of your life.
Don’t forgo building a life to build a career. A lifetime competing with your wife’s career for attention is unappealing. Your career should fit your lifestyle and not the other way around. The important people in your life need to know they’re a priority, so don’t be afraid to put up boundaries. Your man will admire your ability to remain focused without always putting his needs on the backburner.
Telling your mom all of your business.
A meddling mom can only be a meddling mom if her daughter allows it. Dishing all of the dirty details can leave them feeling more involved in your relationship than they should be and issues usually arise–just ask Kandi Burruss. Your mom may be your confidant, but she’s still your mother and your man doesn’t want her knowing everything. In marriage, it’s just you and him, and your partner has to know that’s where your private interactions and problems will stay.
Taking too much advice from your single girlfriends.
It’s not that single girlfriends are incapable of offering good advice, they’re just, well…single. And there’s only so much a single woman knows about something she’s never experienced for herself. If you want to get married, pick the brains of your happily married friends.
L. Nicole Williams writes about the intersection of lifestyle, relationships, social economics and politics. Her commentary has been featured in the New York Times and she has made several radio and TV appearances. Follow her on Twitter @iamnicwill or visit lnicolewilliams.com.