Why Are YOU Single?

February 15th, 2011 - By Demetria Irwin

Television writer, black woman and memoirist Tracy McMillan recently caused a big stir online with her HuffPo piece entitled “Why You’re Not Married.” It’s a straight, no-chaser type article with six punch-you-in-the-gut subtitles and semi-snarky explanations to go with them.

Her headings are cut-throat—“You’re a Beyotch” is the first one. Ouch.  Real talk, sometimes it is your fault when things don’t work out in a relationship and there should always be self-reflection, but sometimes it ain’t us. Sometimes it is the dude that just has no get-right in him.  And we all know heading into or staying in a relationship with a man with hopes of changing  him is not a good idea.

Minus the name-calling and unnecessary harshness, the thrice-married (currently single) McMillan actually has some pretty solid things to say in her piece. Here’s a gem: “The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. “ That’s a keeper right there.  Marriage is not easy.  It is not a matter of reliving the joy of your wedding day everyday for the rest of your lives. It’s work. Sometimes fun work, but work nonetheless.

But for single women (especially black women), who are constantly bombarded with articles telling them why they are single or why their chances of getting married are slim to none, it gets tiresome, draining. Sometimes women are single because heck, they just want to be single.  Not every woman has a goal of getting hitched. And sometimes there are other reasons for being single like you only date black men and you live in a town that has virtually none. Maybe you have financial or academic goals you want to reach before you jump the broom. There are many possible reasons as to why a woman is single.

We thought it would be good to ask you the question that everyone seems to want to answer on your behalf.

Why are YOU single? Do you have the desire to get married one day?

Speak on it in the comments!

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  • Guest234

    I'm single (over 40) because I never tossed my standards. Yes, this has kept me single, but I'd rather be alone with a peace of mind, than miserable.

  • Holly Holloway

    Some people prefer being mistresses as at least you know the truth (ironic) and are still free and will probably ultimately experience less heartache and not be living a pretending lie game with children in tow who do not realise the corruption behind how perfect everything seems. I think people need to realse only they can live the life they need to and not live it to make other people happy. I say be true, be honest with yourself and others, be prepared to give up what you have, let go if it does not feel right. Let your partner have the chance to move on too and not live a lie either. This life is no dress rehearsal – it is the real deal. Live well, live properly. Keep it real! Peace

  • Terron Polano

    I don't want to start out with it takes one to know one, so i won't. I put it out there for advice but you either sound bitter or you've recovered yourself. im trying to say i can't stop and when i do they come at me with a vengance. i will say ive slowed down and as i mentioned above i protect myself. but i guess that is why this is here. thanx for your advice or so called helpful comments! i would have a name or two for you but I don't want to waste any more time on this.

  • Carla

    You make a valid point BC. However, it is true that other nationalities, Hispanics, caucasians and Asians marry at a higher rate than African American women. Why is that? As an African American woman I do not want to pigeon-hole all sisters in the same pot. I would be remiss — and so would any reasonable person — not to examine what are the similarities that are in common. Race is a factor that should be considered. The issue is bigger than ourselves, certainly. I believe it also stems from what society and media consider attractive. But, I also believe there are stigmas which have followed and haunted us. So often in the media, the strong, black woman from the 70s has been replaced with a caricature that does not place us in a strong light.

  • NM817

    I'm married to a black man. But when the subject comes up of why so many sisters are single I try to avoid it in order not to hurt anyone's feelings. But the fact of the matter is that too many of us will only exclusively date black men. Black men around my way have always dated outside of their race. Why aren't we? Not into white boys? Check out latinos, asians, hawaiians, whatever? But, your happiness shouldn't be dictated on what brothers are doing or not doing. God forbid if it doesn't work out with my husband, but if it doesn't I won't be limiting myself to just black men.
    http://www.examiner.com/new-relationships-in-fort…

  • s.nubian

    I always have, always will have the desire to get married i understand each of you guys comments as well as the article, as for me i don't have black man problem or any other race for that matter, i don't really focus on the color of a man skin, i focus on your quality, respect, caring i want to be sure you want me for me, not for what you want me to be, i mean who cares if our color men decide to go else where, that shouldn't be a competition if you really no yourself, I love my causian just as much i love my color man, move out of that comfort zone we in 2011 now so those things don't really matter at all, and yes yes yes yes yes not every black woman or causian wants to be marry so leave it as that is not because of shame or anything, listen we color woman we love to speak our minds take it or leave it very simple, that's not hard to understand, we will not sit around let anyman tells us about ourself, disrespect us when the man is not about nothing to beging with. I'm sorry i'm not like and if that's make a shame on color woman so be it,

    • Terron Polano

      What if i make u feel like a princess, rule like a queen and consume u with affection. meanwhile i am the atomic dog u fear and dread having but i give u everything u want and desire in a man except true, deep and real commitment. would you work with it or give up on men?

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  • mkie

    I'm single because I am so young.Honestly ever since i was young and until now I have YET to meet a marriage that is succesful.By success I mean basic things like no cheating ,faithfulness,honestly,giving 100%.Times the woman is doing the man wrong most of the time its the man.So its like i've never seen a good relationship,so like how can i believe in love forget marriage and i even gave myself to people,thiking maybe i could make an example,but they treated melike sh&t.Unlike my younger days i dnt say there are no good man available.I just believe we all all of us should take a look at ourselves and our lives.Stop being so selfish,build good communicatoin skills.Forget the media or tv.We need to stop listening to other people and decide for ourselves.I like this guy but he is in prison by a mistake.Though i used to be against a man in jail.He doesnt even fit into what i think is the "perfect" guy.But now i think wiser.He is a good man,sweet,loving,caring.I'd rather give him time of day before i give to a man in a tie and white collar shirt that will cheat.

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