12 Overrated Times To Have Sex
How many times have you watched a sex scene on TV or heard some lyrics in a song and thought to yourself, “That looks/sounds so sexy.” You might see Drake boo loving with some girl whose backside you see more than her face in a music video and have a fantasy about frolicking across the sand hand in hand before having the most amazing sex right there among the waves. What they didn’t tell you was that in reality your thighs get all chafed up, you can’t enjoy the love being made because you’re too worried about your weave getting wet and you’re both freezing.
The thing is when it comes to sex, there are too many made for TV scenes that aren’t meant to be tried at home. So often we have this image in our head of what sex should be that we’re often disappointed by what actually happens in reality. In my opinion, the best sex is effortless. It happens when you’re just listening to what your hormones want and not what R. Kelly says you should. Here are 12 times that are overrated when it comes to getting satisfied:
1. Beach body party.
Personally, the beach is not my favorite place anyway. There’s sand, seaweed, trash at times and when you emerge from the ocean you end up soaking wet (and not in a good way) and uncomfortable until you change. You know how you end up finding sand everywhere from your purse to your glove box when you leave the beach? The same rule applies to all curves and crevices of your body when you have sex in the sand. I’m not saying it doesn’t look sexy but expect some chafing and your hair to be tore the hell up when you’re done getting your beach, blanket bump and grind on.
2. Tub Lovin’
There were a whole lot of bathtubs that got some extra attention as soon as women discovered what Beyonce meant by “surfboarding”. But here’s the thing: Most of us with middle-class lifestyles and average sized bathrooms won’t experience the full effect of what Queen Bey was saying. You’ll try to squeeze your 6ft. 160 pound man into a little tub while you try to get your reverse cowgirl on and end up flooding your bathroom and not being able to get a good rhythm from the tub water washing away all your natural lubrication.
3. Butting shower heads.
One thing that turns me off about the shower is that someone always ends up in the back freezing and there’s nothing less sexy to me than shivering in the back of the shower. Don’t let a man get expeditious and try to pick you up, if you don’t have a shower mat someone could easily end up with a concussion.
4. Riding the waterbed wave.
You know how some people listen to the soothing sounds of the ocean to go to sleep? Going to sleep on a water bed is kind of like that except that it’s not. It’s more like that sound a water bottle makes when your first put in on the water cooler; it’s an annoying gurgling right in your eardrum all night long. Trying to ride that wave while making love is even worse. Waterbeds are sensitive to every single move you make and they magnify it by like a 100. Even missionary might make you seasick.
5. Tap out on the twin bed.
I have negative feelings on getting turned up in a twin bed. It just seems wrong. Maybe when you were 15 and it was either there or the backseat of your boyfriend’s Honda, but if you’re an adult and still trying to spoon without one of you dangling off the side, you need to take a trip to Mattress Giant.
6. Watch your back in the back alley.
I’m including this because I know I’ve seen it in at least two movies. Unfortunately, the crime rate is real and while you’re all wrapped up in kissing and rubbing there’s a criminal who sees it as the prime opportunity for robbing and mugging. Sex is generally not a good idea in situations where you feel like you need to carry a stun gun.
7. Have self-control with cruise control.
Unless that “car” is the size of Lucky’s mail truck per Poetic Justice, your average midsize sedan is going to be challenging to maneuver in without hitting parking brakes, GPS touchscreens and vanity mirrors. I’m not saying it can’t be done or even enjoyed, but it may take a lot of finesse or you’ll end up with cheek print on the window and your gas tank door flapping open.
8. If it’s too hot, get out the kitchen.
Three words: We eat here. There’s something about private parts touching the same place where I make pasta that just doesn’t seem sanitary to me. I know it’s nothing a little Lysol can’t clean up and it’s not the worse place to put it down, it’s just not ideal to me. Plus there’s the tricky position of balancing your hips slightly off the counter without actually falling off and don’t let him be over 6’1” or your going to even have more issue making a “connection”.
9. Have several window seats.
I barely want to go to the bathroom in an airplane or bus let alone get busy in one. It’s almost as if it’s policy for public restrooms to smell like the cast of The Walking Dead looks. I get it: It’s spontaneous and risky, but when you think about it, it’s pretty nasty and not in a good way. And think off all the people who have had the same fantasy before you. I’m sorry but there isn’t enough sanitizer in the world.
10. Losing your v-card.
I’m not saying losing your virginity shouldn’t be special, but keep in mind that special can also mean awkward and uncoordinated too. TV shows can make a woman’s first time seem like a ride on ferris wheel when in reality most people’s first times are like bicycling on cobblestones. You don’t have to feel like a failure if your first time doesn’t go as smoothly as planned. That’s what second and third times are for.
11. The honeymoon isn’t over.
People put a lot of pressure on consummating the marriage whether it’s their first time getting physical or they put their love on top in the limo on the way to the church. I’m not knocking anyone’s need to make their first night as husband and wife epic, but keep in mind it’s normal to be exhausted even after the smallest of weddings. There’s no rule that says you can’t simply sleeping next to your husband. If it’s your first time, keep in mind that you have the rest of your lives together to have earth-shattering sex. Don’t stress out if that first night he ends up catching a Charlie Horse or you spend your night on the bathroom floor from one glass of wedding wine too many.
12. With a cherry on top.
The whip cream, chocolate sauce and strawberries are probably best left to your banana split and not your body. If you enjoy getting sticky and covered in lint and random hair and doing laundry, by all means get it cracking with the condiments. Otherwise, when you’re all sweated out and ready to go to sleep you may be surprised at the sharp turn desire takes into disgust when you’re both avoiding the sticky spot and pulling fruit from places it doesn’t belong. And let’s not get started on all the Monistat you’re going to be shopping for weeks later.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.