Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Am I Wrong For Still Loving Him?

March 5, 2014  |  


Dear Very Smart Brotha,

I’ve been having a hard time lately. I was recently in a long relationship with a guy that I really cared, and still do care about. He’s an athlete, is very smart and is loved by everyone. We were inseparable. When you saw one of us, the other wasn’t far behind.  Before I go any further, I want to stress the fact that those factors are NOT why I fell for him. They helped, but I would’ve loved him regardless of his social status. In fact, he had an injury from baseball that required a major shoulder surgery. I stood by his side, cancelled previous obligations the day of his surgery and made sure I was there with him that day. I stayed with him day in and out and even skipped out on my lunch break every day to check on him, made sure he’d taken his medicine, checked his blood pressure, changed his bandages, etc. etc. I treated him as if I were his wife; cooking for him, cleaning the house, ironing his clothes for him, the list goes on and on. In addition to all this, his family absolutely adores me (or so they say they do) and even after the break up we remain in contact with each other regularly.

I’m the type of person to admit when I’m wrong and when someone asks me a question, I’m brutally honest and I expect the same from my significant other. I never complained about him spending time with friends or having his time to himself. My motto for a relationship is “If you wouldnt want me doing it, you dont do it either. Treat me good, and I’ll treat you better.” Well he was amazing at first. We’d sit back and laugh at the girls that were sending him “thirsty” text messages together and just sit back and enjoy each other’s company. Then he started getting distant after about 5-6 months. Around this time, rumors began surfacing about him and his ex. And until I had reason, I acted like I had never even heard them. There were three instances that I asked him about her, and the only reason I asked was because those three particular instances had details in them that only he and I knew about. He denied all three and the last time I asked, he broke off the relationship. We still were with each other however, just without a title. (Stupid of me, I know) Soon after, pictures of he and his ex began popping up, never on his social media, always hers. But he SWORE up and down that they were strictly friends. We still associated with each other, and he still fed me “You will be my wife one day lines” and a whole bunch of other bullsh*t. We had mutual friends and I decided that I was going to go visit with them one day. He found out and flipped shit. Now at this point we dont associate with each other except for on a sexual level. He was my first and only sexual partner. He began calling me out of my name and going back to not speaking to me at all but he still gets upset by the things that I do, even though I’m not with anyone on an emotional or sexual level. My question is, from  male’s perspective, what do you think is going on in his head? Why do you think he did all this and still gets upset?

Am I wrong for still loving him?

Read Damon’s response on the next page.

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  • soisaid

    moving on without the drama makes you a better looking person in his eyes. when all the excitement of playing women is gone and he finds out he is stuck with the one he really didn’t want to be with he will be looking stupid then proceed to do the same thing to her. people are stupid like that. something only looks good if its forbidden but once you get it its the same thing just different packaging.

  • Angie

    THANKS, Damon! VERY good advice!

  • Brandi Scott

    I couldn’t have said this better myself! Women want closure……but I read an article a while ago that said that CLOSURE is overrated. And it is! Stop focusing on why it happened…the only tangible thing to focus on, is that it DID happen. And for good reason too!

  • OSHH

    Yep Champ the “why’s” don’t matter only the “what is”. Clean breaks are the order of the day for situations such as this, removing yourself completely for your own well being.

  • Guest

    Why is this even a question? Leave him alone. Simple as that.

  • DeepThinker

    Great advice Damon! Short and straight to the point. Women need to stop focusing on what might motivate a man to behave disrespectfully. You may never know the whole truth or be able to correct it. The nurturer in a woman always hopes that if she knows the root cause then she can either “save” this damaged man or change things about herself to bring him closer to her. It sounds like he is a successful athlete and she likes the challenge of trying to conquer this bad boy. She claims him being an athlete is not a factor in her sticking around, but I bet it is. Otherwise she would have never mentioned his social status.

  • Han

    Damon, that was great advice! Wonderful. I was actually in the a similar situation, and after YEARS of bumping my head and doing the same thing, I realized I had to do better it the same thing would keep happening. She has to want it for herself, if not she’ll find herself in the same situation over and over again. You are ABSOLUTELY right that it doesn’t matter what he thinks….it’s all you! Good luck. I pray we both get past it and move onto greatness!!! 🙂