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This past weekend one of my closest friends came to New York to spend a little quality time together and while here we caught up with a couple of our other friends from college, one of which was a guy we hadn’t seen since she last came to NYC seven years ago. The friend, who I’ll call Lee for the sake of anonymity, got my cell number from my friend so he could call me for directions on how to come to our other friend’s house, and around 8pm or so Saturday night he joined a group of us at her house to play cards, chill, and reminisce.

At the time all was well in the world, around midnight or so he offered to train and cab it with us back to Harlem from our friend’s in Bushwick to make sure we made it home safely, and then went back to his spot. When his number showed up on my cell the next morning I assumed he wanted to meet up again for brunch or something; unfortunately I was confronted with the voice of an unfamiliar woman asking me: “Do you know Lee?” And here comes the B.S.

“Yeah, we went to school together.”

“Were you with him last night?”

“A group of us hung out a mutual friend’s house…if you consider that being with him, then yes.”

“And you know that he has a girl and kids?”

“Yes. I’m aware.”

“Do you know that he’s a liar?”

“A what?”

“Do you know that he’s a liar?”

“No…we don’t know each other like that for the issue of him lying to me to ever be an issue.”

Silence.

I hang up. Better yet, I hang up irritated, thinking to myself well, there’s the answer to my question about whether he’s still with that crazy girl. But I’m annoyed that this kind of drama has been brought to my doorstep and, unfortunately, it only escalates from there. About an hour or two later, the same number dials my phone. I hesitate to answer, but pick up hoping it’s Lee and he’ll apologize for these shenanigans. It was Lee, but he seemed to be confused about something, saying he was away from his phone and wanted to make sure everything was OK. I realize he must’ve seen my number in his call log and thought I called him and that’s when I brought him up to speed on the morning’s happenings and let him know yes, everything was OK — aside from the mother of his children (she wasn’t quite yet a baby mama in my mind) calling to question me about nonsense.

His response was pretty nonchalant and he got off the phone with me in an awkward “I’ll hit you all up later to see what you all are doing” sort of way that makes me think this occurrence is par for the course with this woman. But then he calls back two minutes later to ask me to go over the conversation again and apologizes, saying he just wanted to make sure she wasn’t being mean. Mean no? Out of line? Yes.

At some point I notice a woman’s voice in the background asking to be put on the phone and I tell Lee in no uncertain terms, “Do not put her on the phone. I’ve already talked to her enough.” At this point, she says something along the lines of you don’t have to put the b%&$! on the phone. I have her number, I’ll call her myself.” And that’s when I promptly let her know that she won’t be calling anyone on the phone and instead of worrying about me sleeping with her baby daddy, which I am not, she needs to go sit her a** in the house somewhere and raise her f!%&ing kids!”

Sorry. Not my finest hour; I know. But why am I’m expected to star in some hood version of Young & The Restless because this insecure woman thinks I’m the reason her relationship has gone to hell and not the man in front of her, not to mention the woman in the mirror? I’ve dealt with less drama with men that I’m actually dealing with. I’ll be damned if I let their dysfunction ruin my Sunday morning. Hell, they shouldn’t be letting it ruin theirs.

To this woman’s (very minor) credit, I understand her being suspicious of Lee coming in at 4/5 am. If we’re being honest, what, or maybe I should say who, are most men doing at that hour if they aren’t home with their woman and children? But that’s not my problem. You see a new number in his phone when you check it — which you have no business doing anyway — and you get curious and wonder who it could be. Again, not my problem. If you want answers, the other woman, who in this case is just a friend, is not the person from which you seek them.

And here’s the bigger issue — aside from disrupting my Sunday morning — if you have to go through all these motions every time your man leaves the house, doesn’t that say something’s not right? If your natural inclination when he steps away from his phone is to snoop through it, does that not speak volumes about your level of trust and insecurities? If he doesn’t have sense enough to come home to you at a decent hour or tell you he’ll be out late with some old friends, does that not indicate a lack of respect and poor communication? And do all of these questions not lead to the central point that you both are the problem and not some random woman who’ve you’ve made up in your mind is ruining your relationship?

During the first call, I wanted to put baby mama’s mind at ease so I was calm and friendly, as opposed to saying what I really wanted to, which was don’t nobody want this man! But crazy doesn’t always recognize logic, so by the third call it was clear this is simply what she does. And rather than leave a bad situation, both parties have chosen to suffer through it and drag along other innocent bystanders along the way, the most obvious of which are their children.

To people like this I say, if you have to do all this, it’s simply not worth it. It being the relationship you’re holding on to by a thread for the sake of the kids or to save money or because you think no one else will want you. At some point don’t you get tired of orchestrating drama? Is wondering who he’s with, what’ they’re doing, where he’s going, and when he’ll be back, not exhausting? And, most importantly, are you not embarrassed by your actions when you create these Tyler Perry-like scenarios every time he leaves the house without you and some other woman you called yourself confronting has to check the mess out of you and your entire life?

I don’t live like this and I don’t associate with folks who do. That’s why when Lee hit my friend up Monday (by email this time) to ask if he could hang with us again I promptly told her no. Then I had my aha moment: some fools never learn.

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