Straight From His Mouth: Is How You Get Him Really How You Lose Him?

March 3, 2014  |  


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Conventional wisdom teaches us that the way you get him is the way you’ll lose him. Here’s a new concept: the way you get him is almost never the way you keep him. The truth is that I’ve seen people who cheated on their girlfriend with their now wife. A few weeks ago I was on a panel and one of the fellow panelists said that all is fair in love and war. His point: if you cheat just be sure that the person you cheat with is the one that you really want to be with. I’ve also seen men who wooed their current girlfriend or wife away from her now ex-boyfriend. What I’ve never seen is a relationship last very long if it doesn’t evolve.

I’ve seen men attract women, court women and then get in relationships with them. They keep doing the same things they were doing during the courting phase and the relationship wanes. The reason being that you have to evolve the relationship to make it last. The things you do when you want to get something are not the same things that you do to keep them.

Relationships require much more work than dating. When you date, you’re trying to figure out if you like the other person. When you’re in a relationship, you’re trying to figure out if this will go long term. I know that in my past relationships I never expected to have to open up and let a person in when wooing them. I thought I could be the nice, funny guy without having to communicate my real feelings. I could avoid talking about the future. I didn’t have to deal with someone else’s issues. I could accept being impartial. But if I kept doing that when we got into our relationship that would be exactly how my relationship failed.

The reason people believe they will lose a man or woman if they get them under bad circumstance is usually because the behavior doesn’t change and people think they get the love of their life but they really get a cheater or liar. And if a person is inherently deceitful then they’ll never be able to change. One way that you can predict if the person you’re dating is moving to a better situation or is living in deceit is by looking at the patterns. If they’ve never been single long enough that their relationships didn’t overlap, that’s a good sign that the person is just a liar. I would advise that you cut bait if you think that the person has the ability to change. Patterns don’t change overnight, in fact, if that pattern has turned into a habit/trait it will never change unless something drastic happens.

However, outside the cheating circumstance (and let me be clear, I have seen people cheat and then their next relationship ended up working out) most of the ways that you meet a guy can lead to a healthy relationship if you’re willing to let the past be the past. But never forget that the way you get them is not the way you keep them. You’ll have to try harder than you ever did. That’s the way relationships work. Many people think that things get easier and most times it almost never is easier, it’s much harder. While you may be worried about preventing the way you got them from happening again, you may just need to realize that it doesn’t matter anyway. If you don’t change your behavior when you’re in a relationship, if you are not willing to step up, if you are content on rocking out with only what brought you together, prepare yourself for a breakup in the near future.

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  • Nya Jacobsen

    My take away is different. I think I lost my ex because I was never fully dedicated to being someone’s girlfriend. This has nothing to do with cheating on either of our parts. But, I was lukewarm about his needs and wants the entire time we were dating and I never changed. Its okay to be reserved in the beginning, but once we got into a serious relationship, I should have switched gears from casual to committed.

    • Yeah

      I was lukewarm until we got married. Now that we are married, I am all about keeping his wants and needs met to the best of my abilities.

      • Angie

        YOU are a VERY smart Woman!

  • CC

    Why of course the way you get him is the way you lose him. This article seems to be directed more towards men so I’ll address it as such. If he cheated on another woman with you, he is definitely capable of doing the same to you. There’s no rephrasing that, justifying it or even trying to “prevent” it. The part about not doing the same thing done in the beginning to keep him is backwards because that’s why he got involved with her in the first place. The break-down of ANY relationship is when you don’t keep doing things to woo your partner then eventually bring more to it to keep it “spicy”. That has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not someone cheated before they were with you. I think somebody was trying to be creative. Sorry author, but you don’t have any examples of your point except yourself. Quit trying to justify cheating arsk men when they know they’re dead wrong!!!!

    • StrongWoman

      I think you looking at this wrong. He is giving you a guys mentality on how they look at cheating and it’s true what he is saying. The problem don’t really be the guy it has a lot to do with us. I say this simply because I was in a relationship for 4 years with starting out a married man we now have a daughter and son. Plus he left his wife we lived together for a year and he came home late once and that triggered a bunch of doubt. My mind did that because of that idea if he cheated with you he will cheat on you. So without even getting the facts I just called it quits and come to find out he didn’t even do anything he had went to sleep at his uncle house because he was drinking and he didn’t want to take his chances driving. Since all of this we are now engaged and I am working hard on my insecurities.

      • CC

        My point exactly……He cheated with you so now you are paranoid that he will cheat on you. Your logic is coming from what he did in a past relationship, right??? That has NOTHING to do with you keep doing the same things that you did in the beginning to keep him. If this man is going to cheat on you he is going to cheat and there’s nothing you can do to stop that. As long as you continue to provide him with whatever it was you were providing when he came to you (and more), your relationship CAN prosper but the factor of him cheating has nothing to do with that. Men cheat all the time even though a woman is giving him her all. That’s all I was saying. You are trying to justify his actions because you didn’t want to keep your legs closed when he was somebody else’s man. Go figure. I hope he does you the same way or worse. Next time build a healthy foundation and you won’t have to worry about your karma slapping you in the face. SMH-words of a homewrecker…………

  • hi-liter

    This only works in Hollywood(see Brangelina). Working class individuals cannot just up and leave their spouses and children (if any) to be with the person they cheated with. That’s why so many people in Hollywood cheat because they can financially afford too, and they dont have much too lose, unlike working class folk that have everything to lose.

    • BreathofFreshAir

      Really? I see working class people do this all the time.

      • hi-liter

        Yes really, and when you see them they are barely making ends meets trying to pay child and spousal support.