“Submission” is one of those words that get launched into relationship conversations like a hand grenade. I find the conversation on submission usually revolves around women submitting to men, with a few random Bible quotes thrown in there to legitimize the position. As someone who has nothing more than a passing interest in religious texts (and religion in general for that matter) I tend not to subscribe to the ideas based on those texts.
Also of note, the Bible discusses the submission of woman to man — and man to woman. For some reason, men often leave out that last tidbit of information when making their arguments. In either event, instead of using religious texts to guide my hand, I’ve conjured up my own idea of submission, and how it works for me and my relationship.
The word “submit” means to either accept or yield to a superior force or the authority of another person or to present a proposal to a person or body for consideration or judgment. For the first definition, living in a patriarchal society, the “superior force” in most people’s minds would be the man in the relationship. While the contribution, support, and acknowledged strength of a woman shouldn’t ever be questioned, it’s a wide assumption that the superior force in this definition would be describing men. The second definition, however, seems to give both parties more equal footing and it’s how I imagine most relationships work. A woman who submits to her man in this instance, submits under the guise of things being proposed to her for her consideration, not her yielding to the authority of a “superior force.”
Last month, Candace Cameron Bure (you might know her as DJ Tanner from Full House) dished details about being submissive to her husband. In her book Balancing It All, she discusses how she chose to be submit to her husband as a way to “honor his take charge personality.” When pressed by HuffPost Live’s Nancy Redd about submission being a “powerful choice,” as she stated, Bure replied “submissive is the Biblical definition of that. It is meekness, not weakness. ‘Meek’ is strength under control. It’s bridled strength. That is what I choose to have in my marriage.” When Redd pushed back and asked Bure if she’d follow her husband, even at the detriment of her family, Cameron responded, “I trust my husband….I build him up and give him the respect he would like to have within marriage that he listens to everything I have to say and takes my opinion very seriously.”
In my relationship, my girlfriend submits to me. What that means is, my girl expects me to lead in our relationship and trusts that I’m not leading us into bad situations. While others have seen submission as a sign of weakness, I don’t see weakness in my woman. I see her strength. For some reason, some people view submission as men having all the power in a relationship while the woman has to simply do whatever her man says. I don’t know if that’s how it works for others, but it’s certainly not how it works for me. Yes, my woman does a majority of the cooking and cleaning around the house. Yes, I’m the leader of our relationship. Yes, she submits to me. With that said, no decision gets made about our relationship without her input. No changes happen in our household without me running those ideas by her first. I don’t make any unilateral decisions in our relationship. I almost always consult my lady, first. I might be the leader, but I can’t lead someone who doesn’t want to follow.
I think the act of submitting gets a bad rap. When described, it seems to be a way of saying a woman should be obedient to a man who has autonomy over the direction of the relationship. In reality, I don’t find many men who subscribe to that train of thought. Yes, men want to be leaders but they also want happy significant others. Dictatorships rarely make for happy relationships. As a man with a woman who submits, I find much more gets accomplished if we’re on the same page. Being on the same page means taking her feelings, thoughts, and ideas into consideration when determining where to lead our relationship. From my observation, that’s how most of the men I know carry the situation, too.
Peace.
