‘I’m Co-Parenting With Somebody Who Got Engaged When I Was 5 Months Pregnant:’ Ebony Editor Speaks On Single Motherhood

324 Comments
January 23, 2014 ‐ By Jazmine Denise Rogers
ebony editor

Source: Mater Mea

Ebony’s digital news and lifestyle editor, Jamliah Lemieux, admits that she never wanted to be a single mother.

“I had an informal list of things I wanted to accomplish before becoming a mother,” she told Mater Mea. “I really wanted to purge myself of all my selfishness, travel the world and be married.”

But as fate would have it, things didn’t quite work out that way. During a tumultuous ending of a two-year relationship, she found out that she was pregnant with her first child.

“At the time I was incredibly in love with this person who was no longer in love with me,” Jamilah says. “There was a lot of shame because I was going into single motherhood — it wasn’t that I was in a relationship that ended during the pregnancy, or right after the pregnancy, or two years later.”

“I always thought being a single mother was the absolute last thing in the world that I would ever, ever, ever want to be.”

After doing a little soul searching, Jamilah decided to follow through with her pregnancy. However, 5 months in, her ex proposed to another woman. She later gave birth to her daughter, Naima Freedom Lemieux-Giles.

“I’m co-parenting with somebody who got engaged to another woman that he started dating the week we conceived, got engaged to when I was five months pregnant, and married when we had a 2 month old.”

Though the co-parenting situation is not ideal between Jamliah and Naima’s dad, she admits that in the end, it’s all worth it.

“We’re both committed to raising a strong and healthy girl,” Lemieux says. “I’m very happy that she has a great relationship with her dad. I may hate the man, but I don’t hate the dad.”

“I am not OK with the situation, but if I have to sacrifice my personal comfort for the sake of my child and her relationship with her father, then that’s something I will do gladly.”

All in all, Jamliah admits that she’s happy that she decided to follow through with her pregnancy

“This child in this moment is supposed to be here. I’m lucky that for the situation that we have, I got the child that I needed.”

“Being a single parent, in a lot of ways, requires a level of self-sacrifice that I did not want to make. I see a lot of women who I feel had to live for their children and sacrifice everything, and it just seemed that there’s nothing left for them. I have a mother who pretty much gave up her life in a lot of ways — her pursuits and some of the things she wanted to do personally and professionally — to just become a mom. That’s not to say that’s not enough and it can’t be fulfilling, but it’s not what I want for myself and it’s not the sort of relationship I want to have with my daughter. I think that she’ll be happy that we’ll get to experience a lot of cool things together — and if I do have other children in the future the same goes for them — because I haven’t put the brakes on everything that makes me me just to be a mom.”

What are your thoughts on Jamliah’s story?

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  • MitchPhillips2

    This woman sounds so incredibly self centered and absorbed. Not sure who is enabling such behavior, but it’s sad. Heck of a guy she was involved with too, talk about lack of class.

  • IveSeenEnough

    Murphy Brown syndrome. It’s fine for middle/upper-middle/wealthy women to allow themselves to get preggars when they have no idea if the father is going to be hanging around because they know their child isn’t going to end up a ward of the state. They earn a living (or have sufficient financial resources) and don’t have to rely on the kindness (or coercion) of tax-paying strangers. They live in safe communities where they don’t have to worry about gang banging and stray bullets. They have access to good schools so they don’t have to worry about raising the next generation of community-destroyers. The problem is that poor black women who are barely literate, insufficiently prepared and resourced to have and raise their children also suffer from Murphy Brown syndrome. They see their more affluent sisteren raise their child on their own without the benefit of a father’s support — emotional, physical and financial, and they decide they want in. Problem is, they can’t because many of them have yet to learn how to manage their own lives. I’m not suggesting that people like Jamilah abort their pregnancies. Nor am I accusing them of being somehow morally deficient. I am simply saying that the message that they are sending out will be received and interpreted by people who may be ill-equipped to make good decisions for themselves and their unborn children.

    P.S. And please, before anyone responds with “Poor black women have just as much right to have children as anyone else”, let me remind you that poverty is an inter-generational problem and that the education level of the parent(s) is one of the most accurate predictors of whether or not children will lead impoverished lives as adults. Either we want progress or we are merely paying lip service to this aspiration.

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  • Alyson B.

    I hope more black women learn from this mistake and stop having out of wedlock children by idiots. It’s a shame that abortion is such a taboo in the black American community. As a black woman I refuse to be someone’s “baby mama”. Ew, no, id get an abortion real quick!

    • anonymouse

      that says a lot about you. There’s too many birth control options to prevent a pregnancy from happening in the first place.

  • kelly

    Black women have it rough…..

  • 1DayWeWillKnow

    Wow, there are so many opinions on ths story! At least it sparked a good debate. I don’t agree with bashing single mothers, but I do believe in educating our young people that there is a better way of doing things. And that does not mean marrying the first Joe Schmo that proposes because your desperate to wear a ring,, but to form healthy relationships and learn the real meaning of commitment. And for the love of all that is good find your identity outside of a relationship so that you’re not looking for someone to “complete” you. That’s usually when you are most desperate.

  • dagr8

    I can’t wait until male birth control come out
    so we can stop putting all pregnancy blame on the woman. And, the sad part is, most of you ppl on here blaming her, are WOMEN.. Fyi, If you ever aborted a baby and the man wanted the baby, who would you blame for the pregnancy?

    • KeepingItReal

      The male birth control has come out…it’s called the CONDOM. And, guess what?? It’s better than the birth control pill. Why? Because…not only does it prevent pregnancy…it prevents STDS. Isn’t that amazing?????

  • kbryan1

    All it really boils down to is that she was just not the one. As far as she knew, he had just start dating the woman and proposed within 5 months. Its highly likely that he had been dating that woman over time and decided to propose when he did, and the mother of his child simply did not know. We really do like to hold on to sinking ships and at the end of the day, we really need to hold our selves to a much higher standard. Kudos to her that she opted to completely allow this child a relationship with her father.

  • Natalie

    I would love to hear his side.

  • yesisaidit

    Point is at least someone thought enough of you to marry you. Also, respect is different married going through a divorce for women in court. Try going to court for child support as a single mom versus divorced and we see who will be laughing. Court will laugh at single moms and sometimes few of them in there for the same guy. Even if your husband cheated on you and you divorced point is single baby mommas had a baby with someone who you knew from jump wasn’t offering you ANY commitment. Ex wife can laugh all the way to the bank.Single moms get a voucher for WIC behind the other baby mammas. Are you getting this yet?

  • ObservintheATL

    Heartbreak over the end of a relationship can be SO intense that, for some, the thought and actuality of death is preferable to living through the pain. And that’s without a child having been produced in the process. I can’t begin to conceive how incredibly painful this situation is for her.

    I can’t throw shade. I wasn’t there and don’t know the history of their relationship. He could’ve been lying to her from day one; or not. She may well have tried to “trap him”; or not. Whatever the facts – the situation, as it unfolded and now stands, must be indescribably painful for her – and, eventually, her child. Because, no matter how brave the front and high functioning an individual may appear, your children are keenly sensitive to your emotions. Even at this young age, her daughter is very aware of her sadness and anger.

    • KeepingItReal

      Oh, please. It’s not that serious. People break up all the time.

      • ObservintheATL

        Yeah. It is that serious. Woman have been known to grow old into spinsterhood over a break-up that happened when they were 20. Here they are in their 70’s and beyond still bitter about how they lost “him” and never truly loved again. And how many times have we heard stories of a man killing “her” and himself, rather than live without her. It happens in reverse, too. If you are an emotionally healthy person, it’s difficult to impossible to believe anyone would go that far but, for many people, who’ve been emotionally crippled or whose self-esteem has been destroyed, perhaps by the very object of their affection, it IS just that serious.

        • KeepingItReal

          Those people need not date EVER. In fact…they need not develop an attachment to any living thing…person, dog, cat, parrot…NOTHING. They just can’t handle it.

          • ObservintheATL

            I totally agree. It’s about being emotionally and psychologically healthy. And many of those people would agree with you as well. Once they’ve been so deeply hurt by something that “happens everyday” they know they’re not equipped to ever handle closeness again; thus, their choice of spinsterhood (forever being alone) or death.

  • Ayisha Carnival Queen

    Women put too much of themselves into a men, It’s very ridiculous. If women had the same I don’t give a F attitude like men they will be better off.

  • DeepThinker

    Does not make sense to have unprotected slex in a tumultuous relationship or a man that your are not married to period. Sounds like she is in denial about why she was so careless.

  • Me

    Well. I’m married. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We were together off and on for years. Now we’ve been back together 8yrs. Married for 3. When we got back together he had a kid on the way. They were friends with benefits. She wanted more. He didn’t but he told her he would be a father to his child. Now, they’re successfully co-parenting. Him and I married. She’s in a relationship and everything is cool.

    • tammy

      I hope he teaches hia daughtee to do tje complete opposite.

      • Me

        He has a son. And he most definitely will. But when you are young and in your upper teens, young twenties and making dumb choices, things can happen. But it’s done and my husband and I and his son’s mother and her spouse, we’re ALL raising my stepson. You can’t change what’s done. You can only move forward..

  • MLS2698

    She was the side chick and didn’t know it!

  • Lizzylizzard

    She describes the rrelationship as tumultuous but continued to have unprotected sex. Did the man and she ever discuss having a child prior? I don’t get it.

  • Ummmm…

    I don’t know….something about this timeline just doesn’t add up. What if he was cheating on the other women with her?

  • kirasopretty

    Not dissing the lady or anything but u kno when someones not into u anymore …..sounds to me like she thought the baby mightve changed things but we all kno a BABY WILL NEVER MAKE A LITTLE BOY OR SOME GROWN MEN CHANGE PERIOD …….

  • babyl98

    For emphasis she begins the story saying she never wanted to be a single mother. I am a single mom and I feel like I failed to properly set up the right situation by being married therefore I consciously made the decision to be a single parent. This dude was a grade A douche bag… He definately lacks compassion so way to pick em! Being a single mom is hard and it comes with a certain unprecedented level of sacrifice.most women can’t seem to muster. I admire her maturity but from experience it still hurts. Its nothing an article can help me navigate I say cheers to the single Moms that can maturely co-parent with these men who love and leavd you high and dry…

  • taz

    I wouldnt have married a man who was expecting a child. I wonder if he was forthcoming about the baby to his prospective fiancee (during the time) about his ex being pregnant.

    • MLS2698

      She ain’t too smart, either. And the future will tell the tale.

  • MLS2698

    The fruits of fornication. Next

  • Ms_Sunshine9898

    If you can’t see yourself marrying and spending your life with him and you know for a FACT he feels the same about you, you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with him if you aren’t married for this very reason. . .

  • Sigh

    Sad story. The pill and/or a condom. There are so many stories like this before her and there will be more. This is preventable. Now she is tied to a man that wants nothing to do with her and a child stuck squarely in the middle of it. Not a good thing. Just really really Sad.

  • whhhhr

    I just don’t understand this accidental pregnancy thing after a certain age. What is the problem with black women and birth control.Like if two adults have sex long enough without protection what do you think will happen? If you want to be married first then make it happen get birth control. If you decide to have unprotected sex understand that more than likely you are changing your goals. I am however proud of her for not being the bitter babymama and to put her child’s needs first. I am sorry that the relationship turned out the way it did but hell kids are not stopping women from dating and getting married these days so she’ll meet someone sooner or later .

  • Anonymous

    Um…she doesn’t work for Essence.

  • Anonymous

    I posted this below earlier today, and later thought this was harsh and judgmental. May God Bless this women and her child and if she reads this, I hope she forgives me.
    Why did you have that child? The Plan B Pill would have solve all this! Black women, stop having these out of wedlock bastard children. Now you’re nothing more than another statistic and a ghetto baby mama. No educated man with a career is going to want you with that child. With everything that black women have accomplished, you make us look so bad!

    • shan

      Not necessarily true. At some point she will have a man that will love her and her child. He may have one or two himself…be it during a marriage or not BUT she will have someone.

      • tammy

        How do you know this? And stop believing that step parents love their step children. Tolerance and love is completely different.

        • CaribbeanGlow

          Wow, I never heard it said that way; so deep and true re: step-children, I would think. However, to my surprise and chagrin, baby mamas are getting dated and married. It’s a new, sordid day.

  • shamachen

    I’m glad that she is mature enough to put her daughter’s needs above hers and tolerate the father enough to co-parent with him. The daughter deserves a father in her life. A lot of women are not able to separate the man from the Dad.

    I also like that she is self-aware enough that she knows that living solely for her daughter is not healthy for either of them. The world has enough single mother-martyrs. Good for her. Her daughter is a lucky little girl.

    • ok

      no body separates the Mother from the Woman………

  • TheMsmother

    Just like everyone else behind the computer screen, I don’t know the situation. But it seems to me she was desperately trying to hold on to a man she knew was falling out of love with her. It’s funny how she ended up pregnant when things started going down hill. She specifically said she didn’t want to be a single mother. An educated woman like that knows how to take precautions.

  • MyTwoCents

    I don’t think that people are saying marriage is a magic pill. But the question is, why would a woman have a child without marriage. A committed relationship isn’t marriage, living with a man means nothing except that you’re his room-mate. A marriage is when someone makes a decision to stand by you through good and bad, to commit to that decision before God and your family, friends and community, and cementing that bond with a contract. Ok, I agree ALL marriages don’t last forever, but this should be the bare minimum required for having a child. Why would any woman have a child with a man that hasn’t done this bare minimum. As a woman, I value myself way too much to accept anything less than this.

    • MLS2698

      She doesn’t understand he WASN’T COMMITTED. SMH

  • Jessica Dailey

    I am a little curious about the woman that would marry a man with all that going on. I just wouldn’t feel right about that situation. It seems like a thinking person would let some of that dust clear before walking into all of that.

    • babyl98

      Happens all the time Jessica. This is why I say as much as we blame men women are still the problem. As much as people are calling this woman desperate for having a baby with him that woman that would date a man knowing he has a pregnant ex is also desperate. See if a woman rejects a man and demand more they would be forced to work things out but as long as there are options and women are waiting to take a man in any condition there ya go!

      • KeepingItReal

        I’m just curious. Why should a man be “forced to work things out”??? What is he trying to “work out”?? It’s not like they were married.

      • DeepThinker

        I agree with most of what you said, but the only thing he should try to work out with the woman is childcare arrangements. He does not owe her a relationship or a ring at this point.

    • MLS2698

      She is thirsty, and probably has the ” I got the ring ” syndrome. Who signs up for this kind of mess, really?

      • Jessica Dailey

        TELL IT!!! That is the only way to explain walking into such madness! The thirst is so real!

  • JerkJackson

    Ooooooooh y’all are so judgemental! LOL. I am not a single mother, but my mom was. And I am sure that a lot of you commenting with your chest poked out also came from single mothers. Show some respect. Has anybody considered that you can be a single mom from a DIVORCE? It’s like being married is the new status symbol of black womanhood. Marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness, and it doesn’t guarantee a healthy child. I know plenty of screwed-up folks whose parents are married. They come to ME the bastard for advice ; )

    • bessia

      People kill me when they say marriage is no guarantee for happiness. What in life guarantees happiness??? Such a weak attempt to excuse behavior that is very harming for our children. All you and others care about is that those who oppose single parenthood show respect for single mothers, but what we care about is doing better for our children. So tell me, how does single parenthood benefits our children?

      • JerkJackson

        You don’t know me nor what I care about so stop there. To answer your question, healthy parents raise healthy children. Whether that parent is single or married is irrelevant when it comes down to parenting abilities. There are some sh!tty married parents out there and some great single moms and dads too.

        • bessia

          Well, it’s apparent that too many single mothers arent healthy enough to raise healthy children. Do I need to list all of the issues children from single mother homes face? I will list some.

          Children from single parent homes are more likely to:

          End up in prison
          Abuse drugs
          Drop out of school
          Exhibit behavioral and anti social behavior
          Commit rape
          Commit suicide
          Be promiscuous
          End up in poverty

          The list goes on and on. Is that healthy? Why do people like you justify this craziness? Is this about respecting single motherhood or about what’s best for our kids? Yes, yheir are sh!tty parents, but it ap

          • JerkJackson

            I was waiting for the rest of your generalization….

            • bessia

              What generalizations? You mean truths that not only studies have shown, but many in our community have witnessed time and time again.Point out my generalizations and Im willing to further explain.

              Im waiting for you to answer my questions.I have asked the question time and again from people like you. You are so anti talking negative about single mothers, but never explain why you’re this way. I can present many reason why Im pro marriage and how my reason BENEFIT THE CHILDREN. Can you do the same for your stand point.

              • cutedoma

                Preach!

              • JerkJackson

                Everything in your comments have been generalizations about people you know nothing about. People are so quick to pass judgement on complete strangers and it’s quite saddening. What’s even more saddening is that you have other Black women wagging fingers with you. Finger-wagging will get us nowhere. There is nothing uplifting about anything you’ve said. I did answer your question: “How does single parenthood benefit our children?” Maybe you didn’t understand me. My point is that healthy parents are beneficial to children. Yes, two great parents would probably be more beneficial than one. I’m agreeing with you there, but stop acting like black single mothers are the bane of society. I don’t care if my opinion isn’t the popular one. But at least I have one and I’m not giving up on our sisters and our children. I see the issue from a different angle than you do which makes for great discussion, no doubt. Thanks for that and have a great night.

            • MLS2698

              It’s not a generalization. I have taken child psychology, as the list is correct.

          • JerkJackson

            Let’s see:
            I’ve never been to prison
            I’ve never done drugs
            I got my masters degree at 23 years old so no drop out status here
            I only get anti social around closed-minded people
            I’m not a rapist
            Suicide isn’t my thing
            I’m not promiscuous
            I’m not in poverty
            Hmm…it seems like you’ve generalized quite a bit there. You’re making blanket statements and I am pointing it out to you. “People like me” are mentoring young girls here in my community and making sure they have the tools they need for success. They have all issues (including the ones with married parents). What are YOU doing to help out kids instead of being condescending on an MN comment section?

            • bessia

              Your list describes me and I come from a single parent home. I own homes, travel extensively, married, kids, degree, and have mentored and worked in schools throughout Chicago. Frankly, I formed my opinions about 2parent families when working with OUR children in deprived areas. I saw a clear difference when OUR children had hard working fathers and mothers in the home. And I saw nothing but excuses made by aingle mothers why their children were failing. You can deny how single parent homes are failing our children but I refuse to place compassion for the mother’s feelings over the needs for our kids.

            • bessia

              “What are YOU doing to help out kids…”

              I have dual degrees, one in inner city studies fron NEIU. Was told my many people that a degree in inner city studies will amount to nothing. Frankly, it doesnt mean much in referrence to the direction my career turned. But I learned so much about our people and enjoyed using what I learned when mentoring kids. Because inner city studies is an education degree, I used it to mentor at schools in Chicago. I lived on the South Side. I worked in similar circles with Pres Obama before he was known nationally. Although, I never met him. FYI, Obama made many speeches throughout Chicago about the need for strong families and men stepping up to their parental responsibilities. He didnt stop short of telling women to be more selective. Anyway, Ive also taken many child psychology courses, social science courses, and education workshops to know that kids, especially boys, in our community are failing. Much of it is due to not have strong men around. My years of education focused on the decline of boys in America. You will find yhat many boys are failing. There is currently a strong push for teachers who are mostly female to change their teaching methods to make it more “boy-friendly.” Im foing on and on to say that Im very passionate about our kids. Im not going to sugar coat the peoblems with single motherhood because people dont want to hear it. It’s the truth. It may hurt. But I feel OUR children deserve to have fathers, who are very beneficial for growth, in their lives.

              • bessia

                Also, I volunteered for a program in Chicago with a goal to place more black men in the education field. This program was not successful because men who wish to obtain degrees arent interested in the low paying education field. This program was initiated so OUR children will have more positive encounters with black men. Their mothers, guardians, care givers, teachers were mostly women. Mom, grandma being single, uncles and fathers in jail or gangs. Thid program did not do well in Chicago, but was more successful in So Carolina… where more 2 parent homes are more established…go figure.

        • KeepingItReal

          Instead of being defensive about single mothers…acknowledge that kids are best raised by two parents. The best way to ensure kids are raised in a two parent home is to make sure they are conceived in a two parent home. Being a single parent just isn’t enough and our kids are suffering.

          • JerkJackson

            I’ve read your comments on this article and I agree with most of them, even the ones that consigns bessia’s opinion. But this is not about being defensive, it’s about being compassionate. Saying that “kids are best raised by two parents” is a strooong generalization. Open your mind a little bit and see that all that glitters is not gold in two-parent households. There are a lot more issues that our kids are suffering from today and it doesn’t all fall on single mothers.

  • JHelema

    As a single mother myself, I can say that at this point it doesn’t matter whether she
    trapped him or he was trying to trap her. What matters is she chose to be MOM! I know plenty of single mothers and I certainly I did not want to be a single mother. However what choice do you have when you marry someone who tells you they are not ready for children and then leaves you with the child. Did I keep my son because I wanted to trap him? No, I kept my son because no matter what his father was going through at the time, I wanted to be a Mom. My second child was by choice as well. To be brutally honest, I personally did not care if I was with her Dad long term or not. We had been in a relationship for six years and I was at a point where I was sure we were not meant to be together. However, he was apart of my son’s life and a good father to him. Long story short I started to have that feeling that some women get when it is time to have a child and so I had my daughter!!! I love both my children dearly regardless of what their fathers choose to do with them or not. Neither of my children have missed out on any love. The point is we as women have the ultimate power over our bodies, no man can impregnate us and make us have the baby or not. Therefore, if you chose to have children have them because you want them, not because you are married, want to keep the relationship or because you are lonely and think a child will take away that void in your life. Chose to have children because you are ready and willing to make all the necessary sacrifices for them, because men walk away sometimes and there really isn’t much you can do about it. So choose to have your children because you are ready to be a MOM!

  • Anonymous

    Why did you have that child? The Plan B Pill would have solve all this! Black women, stop having these out of wedlock bastard children. Now you’re nothing more than another statistic and a ghetto baby mama. No educated man with a career is going to want you with that child. With everything that black women have accomplished, you make us look so bad!

  • thatguy0101

    You right but trying to get it right next time?? What real man is seeking out women with kid(s)?? Why not try you hardest to get it right the first time? i’m just saying…

  • Tony T

    After 2 years she allowed herself to get pregnant to try to save the relationship because she knew he was husband material. He just wasn’t trying to marry her for reasons they would later divorce over. First she loves him, but now she hates him yet acknowledge that’s he’s a great dad. So sick of women making the dude the bad guy when pregnancy should be BOTH parents decision.

    • Jessica Dailey

      I don’t know about him being husband material, he sounds a little shady and her decsion for go forth in a pregnancy that was neither planned nor desirable for the situation sounds all out of whack. They both deserve all the shade for being irresponsible.

    • Tbaby

      Thats easy to say before you’re pregnant, preventing pregnancy is on both parties, but once it already occurs i’d say a woman has a right to keep her child period and shouldnt feel pressured to kill it

      • Etover

        Preventing pregnancy, unfortunately, is always the woman’s responsibility. She has to carry a baby for none months whereas a guy can easily walk away and deny the baby, leaving a single mom. So yeah, it’s 2014, all that talk of both parties being responsible for preventing pregnancies is destructive to any woman who doesn’t want to end up a single mom before her time. It’s a reality!!!!

  • Rosetta’s Stoned

    This is a situation I would NEVER want to be in. I will make sure to NEVER get myself in a situation like this. My goodness. Keep hope alive.

  • thatguy0101

    What I fail to understand is why (some) women keep failing into the same ole trap..I mean cmon! Youre in a relationship, it starts going bad, the females wants it to work, she keeps trying to make it work (which is ok), She keeps trying, she continues to try but see’s no progress at all only more problems, and she continues to have unprotected sex with him, LOL if a relationship is going down the drain, what makes you think all of sudden its going to get better??? I know no relationship is perfect but you can get an idea if a relationship is about to crumble, and thats when YOU GET OUT and STOP having sex with him……..Sooooooooo now, the vicious cycle continues,smh smh, a child born without a father..smh when the H*LL when some of you females learn??

  • Tanika C. Torres

    Totally agree.

  • Auntieruckus

    Judging= telling the truth #getoutofyofeelings. You think most of is on here have not been the dumb bish once? I guarantee you i have done it,its about learning your lesson and not make irreversible decision based on what your fickle heart tells you.

  • khepra Bey

    Gtfoh!!! Her story is no different than what lil waynes story is with his baby mammies.she only told it so baby mammies all over the u.s would see her story and try to relate.

  • 1DayWeWillKnow

    I know, I know, if we had just kept our legs closed, or put on a condom and used birth control, we wouldn’t be in this situation. We all know that. It still doesn’t change the fact that the person DID have unprotected sex, DID get pregnant and now the children are here, and we can’t very well tell them “Well jr., if I had just been smart and practiced safe sex then I never would have had to struggle with you now!” No, you make the best of the situation, and you work on being the best parent you can be. You also learn from your mistakes, and become an advocate for instilling a strong sense of self esteem and self worth in your children, so that they will hopefully make better choices for their lives and their o wn bodies when they get older.

    I will say that hatred makes things much more difficult, you can’t hate the father of your child and have a healthy co-parent relationship. It seems like you can when the child is very young, but the older they get, the more you will see how that hatred ruins things, because it grows and festers in your very soul. The best thing she can do for her and her child is let go of her hate and forgive that man. After all, the child shares half the dna of her father, and if you hate him, than you’re essentially saying you hate that half of her too. And then you can have a healthy co parent relationship, without all the bitterness attached to it. And yes, pursue your own goals and hobbies that make you happy and make you a better person, just remember that the children come first.

  • mshenry70

    Considering that the Black community has a 73 percent out of wedlock birthrate, some people on this thread are some hypocrites.

    • guest

      What a disgraceful percentage!

      • bessia

        Embarrassing!

  • Caydence James

    I still don’t think she’s ready to be a mom. She’s just making do with the situation. If she thinks that she won’t be challenged with situations that will force her to choose between her own dreams and her daughter’s happiness and overall well being, she’s wrong. And it’ll be those choices that she’ll either chose herself or her kid and judging from that last statement about how she hasn’t “put the brakes on everything that makes me me JUST to be a mom” I can not only see her child coming in 2nd place but I can also guess why the man in her life chose to be with another woman. Chances are, he wanted someone more family oriented and less self centered.
    *shrug* just a guess.

    • Ms_Sunshine9898

      *Random* I like your name! It sounds like a black 70s superhero name!

      • Caydence James

        LOL! Thank you!

  • anonymouse

    i’m not trying to be funny, but isn’t that why birth control was created?? Did she not know how to use it or what?

  • Claudine Mellish

    It’s so sad that this discussion seems to be focusing on where they were relationship wise instead of the fact that she is asking on people’s thoughts regarding co-parenting with a man she doesn’t like. It doesn’t matter what happened regarding their time together, what matters is the fact that he is still being a man and taking care of his responsibilities as a father. We hear/read too many stories about this type of situation where the man walks away and only is financially responsible for the child, and we all know it’s usually more beneficial for a child to have 2 active/responsible parents (please note I am NOT saying a child can’t be properly raised by/and in a single parent household). Everyone needs to stop trying to figure out where they stood relationship wise when she discovered she was pregnant, and just respond to the question she posed at the end of the article.

    • 1DayWeWillKnow

      I think you’re right, I guess everyone just has strong feelings on the relationship aspect because we can all kind of relate. But you’re right, she wasn’t asking about that.

    • KeepingItReal

      How does she co-parent with a man she doesn’t like??? She HUMBLES herself….learn to love her child more than she hates her ex. She needs to FOCUS on the child…versus her dislike for her ex. Because…at the end of the day…no one gives a fugg how she feels. It’s ALL about that child. Wipe your tears and move the fugg on. This “woe is me” theme has worn out its welcome.

    • Anonymous

      “We hear/read too many stories about this type of situation where the man walks away and only is financially responsible for the child, and we all know it’s usually more beneficial for a child to have 2 active/responsible parents”

      It is funny that this is such a commonly accepted truism when so many studies have indicated the opposite–that the presence of non-resident fathers have a negative effect on children’s behavior, academic achievement and emotional health, particularly during adolescence. These studies more or less indicate that the best thing a father can do for a child’s well-being is contribute to the child financially.

  • newdnewd

    Hate to be mean but yo should’ve been married for a while and then had a baby

  • Aletha R. Cherry

    Wow. I mean, just wow. I think some of you missed the whole point. Regardless of her personal feelings, she is making sure her child’s father is fully involved. She doesn’t call her the love of her life, or an ex. She is co-parenting, and we should honor that.
    If she wants to remain single, so be it. Marriage is not the solution to world peace, and a single mother will not automatically be saved from the heathenism of her situation by finding a husband. Sheesh. Marriage is between two people and takes work, not a savior.

    • 9Boots

      It is best for children to grow up living in the SAME home with their mother and father (except for abusive environments) and watching their parents love each other ie. marriage. In other words, this broken family drama needs to stop. It does not work.

    • bessia

      Marriage may not be the solution for world peace, but it’s more beneficial for our children than having an “unwanted” child by the village idiot. I dont recommend that single mothers be saved by marrying the next man. I recommend stop being a single mom in the first place. Procreate with a loving, reliable, stable, hard working man IN MARRIAGE. Single mothers are so worried about the world not supporting them, but there’s a reason for this; we are fed up with our black kids getting the short end of the stick. How about single mothers talk about rebuilding our homes and our community instead of denying that stable families are the best options for our kids?

      • KeepingItReal

        Mayn….you are typing the truth and women don’t want to hear it. However, their bruised egos does NOTHINg to help stabilize families. People are fed up because kids are suffering and women can do so much more to stop this madness by not having kids OOW. This does not mean men are NOT to blame…but women have a role, too.

      • Auntieruckus

        You better freaking preach.

    • KeepingItReal

      That’s where I think a lot of women may get confused. No woman can “make sure her child’s father is fully involved”. The only thing that a woman can do is allow her child’s father the OPPORTUNITY to be fully involved. The difference: the MAN must step up to the plate…if he so chooses. However, men are more likely to be involved with the raising of their children IF they are married to the mother. That’s why so many people are advocating marriage before having children. It’s usually better for the children.

  • VVV

    I dont know if its just me but this article seems more centred around the man than her life as a single parent. I got that impression, I could be wrong but thats the impression I got.

    • Auntieruckus

      That’s the impression we all get,that’s what it is,the procreation,birth and future of his child will always be about her father,because most baby mammies are into their own feelings and so dedicated to keep a man,they refuse to see the bigger picture.

  • 1DayWeWillKnow

    Wooooweeee! That’s a crazy situation! I can’t speak bad about her situation because mine is crazy too. All I can say is we can all stand to learn from our mistakes (or the mistakes of those around us) and do things differently. I wish nothing but the best for her and her daughter!

  • me

    I think stories like this would be easier for me to digest if the women were younger. But these are chicks who are good and grown and should know better. Things happen … I get that. But I don’t know. There are just too many ways to keep this from happening, especially when you are dealing with a dude you are not married to. I guess I just don’t have that much faith anybody, especially the average black dude these days. Sorry, just being honest … I know too many women in this kind of situation and it could have been prevented.

  • GymJunkie43

    Also speaks volumes of the character of this man’s new wife. Amazing how many thirsty women will date and marry the lowerst of scum, just to be off the market. If he does it with you, he will do it to you.

    • Auntieruckus

      Agreed,i hope she doesn’t get pregnant either

    • Jan

      Exactly, I wouldn’t even want that type of energy going to my marriage. I am tickled by the moral police in this comment section. I assume of all these people are virgins and waiting to marry or the purest people on this planet. We do dumb things. We make bad decisions off ill formed information and self centered feelings. I applaud this woman for putting her big girl panties and raising her child .

    • yesisaidit

      No she is probably thinking wow what a fool the other lady must have been for holding on and having a” desperate try to keep him” baby but sorry he still married the other lady. Just because someone doesn’t want you doesn’t mean his new lady he to be a jezebel or the man is scum. He just made a choice and someone always gets the short end. How many times you held on to someone until someone else better came along . May be the same situation if women can get men pregnant. I mean both having unprotected sex right without true commitments.

  • MyTwoCents

    Why would a woman get pregnant for a man that is not her husband is beyond me. Your boyfriend, ‘your man’ or your fiancé is NOT your husband. No matter how much you are in love with each other, how long you’ve been together or if you live together. He isn’t your husband, he didn’t make a commitment to stand by you. So why would you make a commitment to have a child with him. YEs some marriages don’t work out, but expecting a relationship to work without a contract is like going into a car dealership and giving them $50,000 with no contract and hoping you get a car the next day. I mean that dealership might be honorable and give you a car, but many will look at you the next day like ‘who are you’ and ‘what $50,000. But yet women do this every day with a possession more valuable than $50,000.. Oh and if you don’t believe in abortions, then you shouldn’t be having sex, or you should be using multiple birth control methods at the same time. There is NO excuse for this behavior.

    • 1DayWeWillKnow

      I want to high five you for that car dealership analogy.

    • Auntieruckus

      Whooooooooo you better preach.

  • Dr. Realist

    The greatest thing you can do on Earth is “just being a mom.” Hopefully she can look beyond herself and teach values to her child she didn’t get.

    • sabecb2014

      True but most likely she’s not she’ll teach her daughter to go with her heart instead of logic and the cycle continues. Women tend to know what there relationship is even if they tell the public oh I has no idea it’s bullshit for sympathy. She knew before the two year mark she knew within a year her relationship with him was not going to last forever. I don’t care if she took bc or not the consequences of sex is pregnancy and she risked her heart and body for a dude she 100% knew ain’t want her. She should know as a grown woman sex don’t equal love and a man who’s been with you has no problem ducking you with no commitment or intentions on ever being back with you. And the opposite of love isn’t hate it’s indifference. She wouldn’t hate him if she was over him or the situation between them. She not over it.

  • Auntieruckus

    Ouch ouch, ye old tale of hearing,seeing and speaking in a relation and most important gtfo of your own head and what you imagine your relation is and see whAt it really is,I’m sorry thiS happened to her,she seems like a good woman and she will find someone else,her baby is precious!!!!

  • GirlSixx

    I’m not tryin to judge, but Okay Girl you tell yourself whatever you need to in order to sleep better at night, but this story sounds crazy. You knew your relationship was on bad terms and that he disn love you the way you loved him but yet you ended up pregnant!!? *crickets*

    • Niya

      I have to agree with that. If a relationship is bad already I wouldn’t even spread my legs for the guy.

  • Shawne

    Some women are so judgemental and non understanding. I was 6 months pregnant when I found out my sons father was cheating on me. He met the woman in February, broke up with me in March, moved out of our shares hone and in with her in April and got engaged to her in April. They got married when my son was two weeks old. The first year of my sons life was very difficult for me. Because while they were ob their honeymoon and traveling, and enjoying life, I was being slapped with the harsh reality of becoming a single mother and being thrust into a life I wasnt expecting, dealing with people I didnt like. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I got through it. My sons father is not that great of a father to him but I have a wonderful man that picks up the slack. Not everything you plan in life goes accordingly but u learn to roll with the punches and move on. Great article and kudos to the author!

    • KeepingItReal

      Women need to understand that DATING…is not necessarily a commitment. Grow the fugg up. You CHOSE to sleep with a guy who was not committed to you. That’s on YOU!!!! Next time…wait until you are married.

      • mmdaisy

        Yeah, because married men don’t cheat or leave their wives and married women never get divorced and become single mothers.

    • kb

      Yeah I don’t get the harshness here.

    • bessia

      The point is…it’s time for women to stop ending up in your position. To have a baby by a man who doesnt care is played. Let’s stop with the oops pregnancies only to feel salty when he moves on to the next one. Women like you should be warning the next generation of girls to not accept unwanted pregnancies and to choose reliable, committed partners. Instead you want others to be understanding. In the meantime, our kids are growing up without their dads.

      • KeepingItReal

        Thank you! Very well stated.

      • Anonymous

        But men do this to their wives, also… A man who is going to do some mess like this is gonna do it whether or not he has signed a piece of paper at the courthouse.

        • bessia

          Like I stated, her efforts are better placed at fore warning the next generation about how to avoid deadbeats. Married or baby daddy, talk to young girls about warning signs, being inquisitive, being strong enough to leave at the drop of a hat, stop letting men who dont care about you leave a piece of them in you. Think about that. The reason why people are coming hard at women like the author is because our kids deserve to be raised in loving families. Dads are very valuable to a child’s upbringing. Look at our streets, moms are not enough. Want more cor your kids than empathy from the public.

        • MLS2698

          But the courts are there to support a wife in those situations. They will determine child support, or alimony, and make sure the wife isn’t left in the cold, while the man ” Moves On.” He can do it, but he’ll pay.

          • Youknowwhatiitis

            Is it about money then? My parents were married for over 20 years and my father treated my mother terribly. They got divorced when I was 18 and honestly, I would rather have had my mother divorced his a$$ when I was a child. Many of you women who talk about marriage is everything are probably bastard children that idealize marriage because you’ve never seen a fvcked up one. In an ideal world where infidelity, social media, and boredom don’t exist, marriage would be grand, but the divorce rate in America is heading towards 60%. That’s a whole lot of single mothers. Does it make a difference she was once married?

            • MLS2698

              Honestly, the dynamics of marriage have not changed. Women are still getting cheated on, beat, and verbally abused. But, the difference is, women are more empowered, and are choosing to divorce, rather than stay in misery. The divorce rate only reflects choices women are making today; statistics prove that, overall, women apply for divorce more than men. If men had it their way, they would continue to be abusive, and stay in the marriage, too ( this is what marriage of the past looked like). It’s about freedom, and fairness, not money. And the courts understand this. And just to add: I was married for 17 yrs when I found out my ex-husband was cheating. I MOVED ON.

    • MLS2698

      I bet she didn’t have sex-with him…

    • yesisaidit

      You were a girlfriend so why didn’t you use protection with a man that clearly didn’t think enough to marry you? Why? Why? Why? You had the power to call the shots quite simple you say “you love me Enough to not have protected sex with me but not enough to marry me; so i’m stopping this”. Ladies you sit back and let the man control the dynamics of the relationship so when he feels like it he moves on. With you pregnant or not. Ladies have so much mouth with other ladies going back in forth and what not but woman up to your man the person you are sleeping with.

  • Ally Mills

    There was frankness and honesty about her story that I respect.

  • Just a man

    She so smart a women to be having unprotected sex with (any man, no matter the length of re;relationship) someone who wasnt her husband… All this is avoid with birth control.. Time in a relationship does not equal commitment… but im sure everyone knows that

    • Drew

      Put the 40 down, bro…

    • KeepingItReal

      A lot of women think “time in a relationship = commitment”. Many talk about how long they’ve been with a man…how many years “invested”. That man could live with a woman for 25 years…never marry. Walk down the street and see the woman he wants to make his wife…and marry her the next day. Men aren’t afraid of getting married. Women…stop telling that lie. They are just afraid of getting married to the WRONG WOMAN. If you have been dating a man for five years and he has never asked to marry you (and I could care less how many kids you have by him)…he DOES NOT see you as wife material. Period.

      • 9Boots

        If he is over the age of 25 and has not asked in two years.. HE IS NOT HUSBAND material. Run for your life.

        • KeepingItReal

          I disagree. Women need to understand that there’s a difference between men “not being husband material”…and “he’s not the husband for you”. This man was definitely husband material…just someone else’s husband material. Too many women are vain and try to “outlast other women”. If he’s not for you..he’s not for you.

          • 9Boots

            A man that is overlapping women is NOT husband material. Does his new wife realize he was overlapping her with his baby mamma?

            • KeepingItReal

              It’s a new day. People are no longer feeling sorry for women who find themselves in this kind of situation. He moved on…got married and probably started a family with his WIFE. Women….hold out for being a WIFE.

              • 9Boots

                Did you miss the point? The man overlapped women. Does that make him good husband material?

                • nancy

                  I overlapped with my husband. Why? Because I liked both and I had to weigh my options. Years later, kids later, house later .. we are happy. It happens. Date well and date often.

                  • 9Boots

                    Overlapping sex partners is not good material.

                • guest

                  amen sista!

              • 9Boots

                I agree, women should hold out until they are a wife, but I will not excuse the behavior of men while doing so.

      • yesisaidit

        Yesssssss..preach!!!!

  • Kristen

    I have to give it to her for being honest. Many of us would have made different choices and would feel differently than her but this isn’t our situation – it’s hers. Bottom line to the story is that she didn’t expect herself to be in this position but she’s embracing it. No need to call out her mistakes, I’m sure she’s aware of what they are! And if not, she’ll learn on her own, without help from us!

    • kb

      Exactly, I guess MN commentors have never made a bad decision, or fell in love w/the wrong guy .

      • nancy

        It’s time we stop making these bad decisions.

      • Auntieruckus

        I have,just not became nobody baby mama,birth control,abortion or abstinence ladies,it isn’t rocket science,and if one of you bring up God i’m done.

    • nancy

      I disagree with using the word mistake concerning unwanted pregnancies. You can have sex all day everyday and not end up/get someone pregnant. And let’s not forget as women know how to track our ovulation cycle. I never believe men nor women when they say it was a mistake.

      • Kristen

        Geez.. I didn’t say her pregnancy was a mistake or anything in particular. A mistake of hers could have been being in a relationship with a guy for far too long that didn’t love her, or perhaps hating him. Don’t get caught up on one word. You were reaching!

    • KeepingItReal

      Not to seem harsh…but I don’t think she really is “honest”. If she was honest…she would probably admit her “relationship” ended long before she conceived and she probably tried to “win him back” with sex….resulting in the pregnancy. If she was honest….she would admit her ex probably had his eye on his current wife while still with her and probably broke off with her to be with new wife. Men seem to know what they want. Women tend to think that when a man has sex with a woman…that’s because she’s what he wants. NO IT’S NOT. He had sex with her because she was there…and nothing was on tv at the time. He MARRIED who he wanted. Women…stop lying to yourselves.

      • 9Boots

        Herm Cain stated the truth, “Men seem to know what they want”. They know good and well what they are doing. This is why BW need to stop having sex with men that are not your husbands. You are being used.

      • Kristen

        It’s 100% your right to think she may not be honest. I *honestly* don’t really care one way or the other..I know no one involved lol

      • Auntieruckus

        Ecaxtly in their own head and in denial, men speak (act) loud and clear and women just hear what they want,then get mad at the end result.

      • MLS2698

        I tried to ” win back ” a guy by giving him my virginity when I was 18. That was the last time I ever fornicated, because the consequences were just too deep. He didn’t give a ” F ” about me, so I vowed to God to NEVER find myself in such a degrading situation again. Those who don’t believe in God will never understand the rule of fornication, but I certainly have enjoyed peace of mind, not having any STDs, and no children out-of-wedlock, which often comes with heartbreak. Yes, he had sex-with her because she was there. And women should work on their self-esteem, too. I didn’t realize mine was low, until I was arguing with the ” other girl ” on the phone one day. Just why? Why would I need to do that, when said dude was trash, anyway? Yes, he married who he wanted, but HE IS NO PRIZE.

  • BabyClover

    “it wasn’t that I was in a relationship that ended during the pregnancy, or right after the pregnancy, or two years later.” Dnt be casting shade abt the man possibly cheating on her. By her own admission they weren’t together when she got pregnant. Its clear she tried to trap that man into coming back and staying with her and it didnt work. It is not always the man’s fault. Women need to wise the hell up nd stop trying to cling to sinking ships thru desperate measures.

    • Tanika C. Torres

      How did you come up with she tried to trap him?!?! Where do you gather that from the article?

      • BabyClover

        Two years relationship. No pregnancy. Conveniently at the end of the relationship she “finds out that she is pregnant” and ‘decides’ to keep it even knowing that he has already moved on.
        Its literature nd human behaviour darling….. she knew ths man wasnt inlove with her and was seeing someone else….how else do u explain it?

        • msmartin

          This description entails a whole lot of speculation on your part.

        • Say word

          So, we’re not going to throw shade at him?! He, knowing he was “in love” with another woman had unprotected sex with a woman he knew had deep feelings for him. To me, he is the one to blame.

          • Caydence James

            Well, I can’t speak for anyone else but the reason I’m not throwing shade on him is because;
            1) because she’s already admitted that they weren’t in a relationship and he never asked her to marry him so therefore she had no reasonable expectation to believe he would always be with her. Right?

            and

            2) Even thought he’s forever going to be partially the blame for leaving his daughter with a woman that he wasn’t willing to marry, at the end of the daySHE is the only one that is walking around with her life being irreparably altered due to having nearly ALL of the responsibility of parenting. Meanwhile, he’s moved on to a new life and a new wife. So even though he may be wrong, she’s the one that’s paying for it the most. That’s why I’m shaking my head. Not because she was more immoral than him but because she put herself and her child in a less than ideal position and he gets to just…..live. If we acted like men did (yeah, I’m kinda saying that we should think like a man and act like a lady) then just like men make sure that they aren’t put in a losing position in life without a way to come up, she should’ve done the same thing. If she wasn’t willing to be a mom, she should have protected the quality of her life by being EXREMELY careful with him.
            Just sayin’

            • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

              You kickin real truth. She knows that ish has got to burn intensely. To be with a man for 2 years get pregnant but he marries the other woman within a year?

              Ouch! Me thinks buddy boy was most likely doubledutching between the both of them for sometime before she gave him an ultimatum.

            • Two cents

              Yes! Totally agree! They are EQUALLY to blame but women carry the seed and deal with the responsibilities of having that child for the majority of the time. She writes that she wanted marriage and THEN kids but her actions were totally contrary to that. I mean if she was going to dip back with the ex at least she should have made sure she was fully protected from conceiving a child BEFORE marriage which she didn’t plan.

        • Jumoinh

          Who said she wasn’t pregnant before and terminated it. She said, “after soul searching she decided to follow through with the pregnancy.” I don’t think she tried to trap him.

        • Claudine Mellish

          Ummmmm you can be in a relationship for years and NOT get pregnant, and then it happens.

        • Caydence James

          Conveniently?
          Girl, as self centered as this chick is? Shoot, pregnancy isn’t convenient for an average chick let a lone a self centered chick like this so I HIGHLY doubt that she would think there was ANYTHING convenient about getting knocked up….especially without real support that would allow her to….how did she put it? Let her be her?
          Naw, your theory isn’t as “clear” that she was trying to trap him into anything. She sounds way too selfish to do that to herself.

        • Read It Again

          Your hypothesis is not better than the hypothesis of the person you tried to correct!! READ the article. Don’t speculate. Just read.

        • Jam

          Thank you, I’m with you BabyClover! This is a dreamy story and all. But Its 2014 ya’ll, no one is stupid here. We have birth control available all the time. I can say this from my observations, some men don’t want an accomplished woman. Some just want to have a woman. And that is where she mostly lost him and he moved on. He easily proposed the next one. And she was still letting him get some after they broke up. Its Easy to figure out!

  • 9Boots

    BW really need to STOP giving the best of yourselves to men who could care less about you. They ain’t worthy. Raise the bar ladies.

  • 9Boots

    Using birth control is not 100% fail proof. This is why I say, “If you are having sex, expect all the consequences of sex to come your way.” There is a reason it is called “sexual reproduction” people. Let’s not act all brand new, sex is pretty much the only way 99.9% of humans come into existence.

    • Herm Cain

      Stop excusing these women trapping men birth control works when used properly part of the problem is most of these women want these children so they manipulate miss a day here and there using the pill no big deal you can have recreational sex without getting pregnant but for whatever reason all sisters are allergic to birth control or at least using it properly

      • 9Boots

        Unless these men are being raped, these men are 100% liable for unzipping their pants. Understand.

        • guest

          For the life of me I cannot understand why all these women are bashing this lady. Baby daddy is equally responsible for using protection as she is, people are blaming her for trying to trap him. Did she tie him down and rape him? My guess is he was a willing participant, yet he gets the free pass, this is all her fault. They BOTH knew the relationship was in a bad place and they chose to still sleep together, equal blame is due here. Her article isn’t about “oh feel sorry for me” she’s just saying how it was never in her plan to be a single parent and now she’s co-parenting with her ex who is now married.
          People are so judgemental! God forbid any of you make a mistake in life!

          • Tracu

            Most of these women are the same ones speaking from experience or have their own baby daddy issues… Always so quick to judge but if we saw your life I’m sure they wouldn’t be talking down to this woman like they are!

            • Auntieruckus

              If that makes you feel better than sure,as it remains there is egg on her face,ouch ouch.

          • Melyssa

            But wait a minute, if they knew their relationship was in a bad place and didn’t take the necessary steps to prevent a pregnancy then guess what she had to have known there was a strong possibility she will end up single parenting. As a woman we all know pregnancy falls on us 100% we get to choose when to carry a baby. #Period!!!

            • Anita

              Preach!!!

          • nancy

            Quest, you are the only one responsible to ensure your protection from unwanted pregnancies. Why rely on someone else to ensure you dont get pregnant? She didnt want to be a single mother. She shouldve taken precaution. We have created a society that allows men to move on just like this father. The women are left holding the bag. So to hear a womam say it’s his responsibity is ridiculous. Women complain it’s my body my choice but expect men to ensure they dont have an umwanted pregnancy. Dont get it.
            To hear men complain she trapped me or women say it was a mistake is crazy. If you have unprotected sex then you are to blame.

          • 9Boots

            Honestly it’s both the men and women’s fault. Two unmarried consenting adults having sex is causes a darn soap opera, better yet it’s worse, it’s a telenovela,

          • Niya

            I guess it’s a double standard when it comes to men. A woman gets knocked and it’s all her fault. A man has no participation in that.

            • KeepingItReal

              Not at all. Men get theirs, too. But, women are biologically designed to physically carry the baby inside them for nine months. Men can walk after they nut. So, women…it’s YOUR body that’s getting stretched out of shape. Take better care of yourself. That man owes you NOTHING…especially if you are not married.

      • Auntieruckus

        Dude you arent a woman believe us when we say bc fails,not a lot but it does; my depo shot failed me and i got pregnant i just wasn’t stupid i mean christian enough to keep it.

  • Herm Cain

    Black women been having keepani**a babies since forever nothing to see here tried to trap someone who was only half committed I see this all the time with low income couples

  • Treacle234

    Oh lady, focus on your child. The father left you, get over it and move on. The best thing you could do for yourself is forgive him and get past the hurt and move on.

  • lockstress

    Fate? Uhm..you play Russian Roulette everytime you have unprotected sex.
    As a matter of fact you take the chance on being a single parent anytime you actually have sex. There is no gurantee that he will stay(boyrfriend) and if you are married anything can happen where a spouse leaves, dies,etc.
    Just focus on being the best parent you can be. Many have done it and did a great job of it.

    SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE SINGLE MOMS OUT THERE!

  • BabyClover

    “it wasn’t that I was in a relationship that ended during the pregnancy, or right after the pregnancy, or two years later.” – So what was it really? She got pregnant after they broke up? So she thought getting pregnant wld lead him to fall inlove with her?
    It just seems to me that the father found the woman he really wanted to be with AFTER they were already broken up. Tough luck, get on with life and learn to use protection ALL THE DAMN TIME.

    • 1Val

      The entire focus of this article is off. If it is supposed to be about single parenting the child not the failed relationship should be the focus. There are fewer things more pathetic than anyone pining over an old lover.

      • BabyClover

        Well clearly the writer missed that with the way it was written……especially with distinguishing between hating the man versus the dad…nd lamenting the timeframe between which things took place.

      • Gert

        I agree, Some how it is hard for me to believe, that he just met this woman the same week they broke up. It seems to me, that’s what she wants to believe…but may not be true. She just needs to move on and focus on her and her child. From the tone of the article it sounds like it was never a healthy relationship in the first place. When are women going to realize that a child is not going to make him stay. I have seen this same story over and over again.

        • 1Val

          In the grand scheme of life it shouldn’t even matter. Her primary concern should be ensuring her happiness and safeguarding her daughter. If single motherhood is objectionable to her she can find someone else to marry. But worrying about her yesterday only makes her depressed today.

          • Gert

            I agree

  • Trisha_B

    “I may hate the man, but I don’t hate the dad.”

    More women need to understand that. Just b/c things didn’t work w/ the father & you can’t stand him, doesn’t mean you have to keep him from the child or down him as a parent

    • Justine

      I take your point Trisha. Very good one. But she also need to let go of that hatred. You cant hate someone for not being inlove with you. He just knew she wasnt the one he rly wanted to be with and did the manly thing instead of sticking ard nd making both of their lives miserable. IMO

      • Trisha_B

        Agree!

      • msmartin

        … did the manly thing…, probably not. A relationship she discovered shortly after she conceived was probably already going on.

      • sabecb2014

        I agree no one said I was looking for someone to point that out. Ppl trying to say she’s over the relationship but when your over someone you don’t hate them you are indifferent towards them. She could even be over him but not over what he did to we hence hating him. She needs to get over the situation because for we to put this hit out there and admit to hating him it’s obvious she’s not over it. It will be helpful to her and her child to not be bitter about a dude not loving her.

      • mmdaisy

        If you’ve ever read her blog, particularly 3-6 years ago, you’d know how much of a negative spirit she has. she is someone that seems that is unforgiving and just generally toxic.

    • Anonymous

      I truly do not believe that a person who behaves the way the child’s father did has the emotional capacity to be a good father in the long-term.

      • Drew

        So, because he didn’t want to be with her, he can’t be a good father???

        That’s stupid AF.

      • KeepingItReal

        What did the father do that was wrong?? He exercised free will to date and marry whomever he wanted to marry. He is no more…or no less to blame for the OOW pregnancy. But, other than that…I don’t see where he did anything wrong. To state he “does not have the emotional capacity to be a father in the long-term” is extreme…IMO.

        • 9Boots

          Overlapping women is a sign he “does not have the emotional capacity to be a father in the long-term”.

          • Auntieruckus

            No its a sign thAt enough women are ready to bust it open without any type of solid commitment/foundation,i know because i did it,just didnt keep the bastard.

            • 9Boots

              Both parties have poor judgement.

              • Auntieruckus

                Indeed,but her ex did not carry a baby.she did.

          • MLS2698

            Are we in church? PREACH! * raises church fan *

        • Anonymous

          What is stupid AF is the fact this man had invested two years in this woman and didn’t even attempt to build a family with her when she was already pregnant. If he saw enough in her to waste her time for two years, he should have respected her and that child enough to put on his big boy panties and at least attempt to be a proper father to that child. I don’t care how many of our children are born out of wedlock. You are not a good father if you treat the mother of your children like she is disposable. Furthermore, you are not a good daddy because you religiously pay your 15 – 20% of what some judge calculates as your net income and you see your kid every other weekend. Because that is invariably the best that men like this can ever become in terms of what passes for fatherhood today.

          • KeepingItReal

            That man doesn’t owe that woman sh##. And, to suggest he “wasted two years with her” is pretty presumptuous. It presumes his entire focus was on her. WRONG!!!!! He was probably dating other women while dating her. Single men CAN do that, yanno? Have you heard of that song by Smokey Robinson called “You Better Shop Around”? Well, that’s what he did. Listen to the words in the song and learn something.

          • Dr. Dubya

            I am very interested to understand this comment. I didn’t hear that he wasn’t involved in the child’s life. Actually, it seems that is a good father. “What is stupid AF is the fact this man had invested two years in this woman and didn’t even attempt to build a family with her when she was already pregnant.” What do you mean? I really am interested.

            • Anonymous

              If the standard for being a “good father” is mere “involvement” in a child’s life, then this explains many of the social ills of Black America.

              A good father is a daily positive influence on his child’s life. He supports the child financially and is a source of emotional stability to both the child and the mother. He demonstrates love to the child by his actions toward the child and his treatment of the child’s mother. This pattern of behavior is almost always established within the context of a two-parent home. At one point, this was the norm within the Black community. No longer!

              If that familial structure fails, the pattern of behavior only continues with the father’s significant efforts to go above and beyond statutory mandates. I have never seen a “good father” who was never at least a “common law” husband to the child’s mother. Such a person has never even given himself the opportunity to be the father that his child deserves.

              • Dr. Dubya

                There are assumptions being made here. She doesn’t want him. She said that in the article.

                Esoteric conversations about the black household and platitudes about the plight of the black family are one thing, practically, it seems you are saying that he should marry the mother of his child even though “she hates him”. I don’t believe shotgun wedding are the healthy way to have a two parent household. “I have never seen a “good father” who was never at least a “common law” husband to the child’s mother. Such a person has never even given himself the opportunity to be the father that his child deserves.” In other words, if he is not at least common law married to the husbands mother he cannot be a good father?

                • Anonymous

                  She didn’t always “hate him.” If she hates him at all, the hate has been earned by the egregious levels of disrespect that he has shown her and their child in the situation.

                  There is nothing on Earth that supports the idea that Black people desperately cling to that a non-resident father can make up for his absence in his child’s life as a traditional father. I mention this in a comment below, but there are many studies that indicate that these people are actually doing their children more harm than good.

                  I think co-parenting is better thought of as a necessary evil in situations such as these as opposed to something we should applaud.

                  • Dr. Dubya

                    …all of that assuming she also wants him back in the household.

                    • Anonymous

                      None of this assuming anything.

                      All of this saying the damage has been done and will continue to be done.

            • MLS2698

              No man is an effective father from afar, or being part-time. Get it? It just isn’t possible.

              • Dr. Dubya

                Ergo, his child’s mother doesn’t want to marry him so he is an ineffective father. So, practically, what should he do?

                • MLS2698

                  Did you read the article? The title, even? He got engaged to another woman when ” she ” was five months pregnant with his child. What is going to happen now: the mother of his child is going to be ” messy ” by using co-parenting as an excuse to throw a monkey wrench into a relationship that is already doomed, by the simple fact that, this man has NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN, and picks up emotionally unintelligent partners, as victims. What woman gets engaged to a man with a child on the way?

                  • Dr. Dubya

                    Did you READ my comment I said what should HE do now? Never marry another person because his ex had his child? Timing doesn’t making something more or less morally correct. Whether she 5 months pregnant or the child was 5 years old. It doesn’t change the fact that they don’t love each other. She doesn’t love him so he will never live in that household with his child. What he has to do is the same as his ex and that is put his big boy pants on and do his best to be a great father to his child. Visitation, summers, 50/50 custody. It is a messy situation regardless of whether he married another woman. Its unfortunate but they both engaged in sex unprotected sex and they must come together and do the best for their child they can.

                    • MLS2698

                      THE FRUITS OF FORNICATION! Since we are talking about morality!

                  • NWNW

                    Gabrielle Union. Sigh….

                    • MLS2698

                      Low self esteem…

              • KeepingItReal

                That may be true. But does that automatically make the father ineffective or is the mother ineffective? After all, the mother could relocate to where the biological father is so that he doesn’t have to parent from “afar”…It goes both ways.

      • Auntieruckus

        Why? Because he found someone (presumably) better,ugh…

        • Anonymous

          If you are a woman and think this way, then I truly feel sorry for you. A woman who chooses to engage, or God forbid marry, a man with a baby on the way by another woman is not what I would call the better woman under any circumstances.

          • Auntieruckus

            (Presumably)
            She is better off than the baby mama

  • Sandia

    This should not be blamed on fate. It’s simply one or both parties were not using birth control. I HATE when people don’t use protection or BC and try to act like it was God’s surprise or fate. It’s common sense! Stop acting like this was a learning experience that popped up out of left field that you and the father had no control over.

    • Jennifer

      I wholeheartedly concur. Pregnancy is preventable by one or both parties…we are NOT talking about immaculate conception here! It irks me when women act surprised to have become pregnant! That is kinda what happens when BC is not used &/or BC methods fail.

      • LoisLane2

        We don’t know whether or not she was using BC. Pregnancy is not 100% preventable. The only BC method that is 100% preventable is abstinence. The Pill is 99% effective if always taken correctly…but a lot of women don’t always take it correctly (i.e., they might take it 12 hours too late or even skip a day). Sometimes, as you even say yourself, “BC methods fail.” I applaud her for not having an abortion even though her pregnancy was not planned.

        • Jennifer

          Am I missing something here? No one is suggesting that she should have gotten an abortion, but I would nit knock her if she had chosen to do so, as it is HER choice. However, I stand by my comment in saying that pregnancy is preventable. Yes, the pill has a 1% chance of not working, even when taken correctly; however, some couples use more than one method of BC when they truly don’t want to get pregnant. The bodies of most women are generally regular (ovulation cycles and such), so knowing one’s body (fertile days), taking birth control precautions (pills, condoms, rings, shots, you name it!), and having Plan B options available when slip ups occur, are just a few of the many things that can be done to prevent pregnancy.

          • Niya

            Okay… And whose to say she wasn’t using one or more forms of birth control? I know women that have and then they STILL end up pregnant.

            • Jennifer

              Well, if those women you know have used more than one method of birth control at the same time AND have had them both fail, AND happened to have had all of that happen on their 3ish fertile days per month, then I’d suggest they play the lotto, because their odds are/luck is out of this world.

        • Tracu

          Yeah, I was thinking is contraception 100% effective now? Lol

          • rosetta’s stoned

            Nope. but its just 99.9% effective when taken correctly. CORRECTLY.

        • Auntieruckus

          And you applaud her because,babymamadom is far worse than getting an abortion ijs.

          • guest

            Didn’t she get a beautiful child out of it? So yeah in this case, babymamadom whatever that means is far better! You gotta love all these pro-choice freaks who refuse to acknowledge life!

            • Auntieruckus

              Lol there you have it baby mamadom appeals to you. Kay!

          • 9Boots

            Killing babies is not the solution. America has been killing babies officially for 50 years. The total is about 55 million. The solution is to take complete responsibility and stop having sex before marriage.

            • Auntieruckus

              Agreed but since back then i was being stupid back then,i did the next best thing.

        • rosetta’s stoned

          I’m 32 yrs. old. Lost my virginity at 16. Never been pregnant. IT IS PREVENTABLE. No one in their 30’s gets pregnant by “accident.” Its called “carelessness”

          • Anonymous

            You’re crazy. I know two married women who got pregnant after Essure, a married woman who got pregnant on Nuvaring and a single woman who got pregnant on Nuvaring. Birth control reduces–not eliminates–the chances of pregnancy. Hell, some couples get pregnant unexpectedly after vasectomy!

            • MLS2698

              Please educate the masses. These are man-made devices, and they can fail. They need two forms of BC.

          • Ummmm…

            Either you’re very dilIgent or infertile. You’ll find out which one later on.

    • Mo

      I agree as well and to have unprotected sex with someone you were on so shaky of ground with he was dating someone else is delusional at best irresponsible at worst. She takes the tone that she really was over this relationship, but I think she had somes hopes it would salvage their union. It did not work out that way and while I am glad that the child seems to be getting the best the situation can offer, I think being a single mom was the last thing she ever wanted to be – until she got pregnant by a man that was leaving her. It will be interesting to see if the dynamics change if the father starts a family with the new wife.

    • Chey

      Yes!!

    • 9Boots

      Preach!

    • Tracu

      Fate means be destined to happen, turn out, or act in a particular way. It could have been fated for her to be in this situation to learn a lesson, to have her testimony….

      You can’t plan or prevent everything.

      • 9Boots

        So if a person does not look both ways before crossing the street, is it fate that had the person get hit by a car?

        • Tracu

          Yes it could be! That’s my point you don’t know for sure and neither do I… My brother died young and I do believe it was fate, it was supposed to be that way. Am I happy about NO, do I accept it yes!

          • 9Boots

            Sorry to hear about your brother. Now concerning this woman’s actions, there is a thing called ” you reap what you sow”, and it is not fate.

      • guest

        No such thing as fate. Human beings cause things to happen by their choices. Let’s not let people off the hook with their actions simply because of “fate”.

    • Niya

      Well… Birth control isn’t always guaranteed. Sometimes it fails. The only thing you can do is decide what to do after the fact.

  • 1Val

    A single mother’s focus should be on her child instead of child’s father love life. There isn’t anything preventing this woman from moving on from her failed relationship with daughter’s father except her whining about him marrying another woman. She chose to have his baby just like she is choosing to remain single by not even considering loving and marrying another man. If she truly doesn’t want to be a single mother find another man to love and MARRY!

    • OSHH

      All of this including the baby are relatively new realities for her. IMO it is only natural to feel all kinds of things considering how things unfolded in her situation.
      I am sure as time goes on she will adjust, the hurt will subside and the focus will be all about her and her daughter’s well being. I wish her the best..

      • 1Val

        I beg to differ. This lady KNEW this man did not want her prior to her getting pregnant by him. So that reality should have sunk in years ago for her. If she doesn’t want to be a single mother she doesn’t have to be. There are other men who would marry her just not her child’s father.

        • Anonymous

          Years ago? WTF timeline did you put together?

          • 1Val

            She was involved with her daughter’s father for two years. She knew their relationship was failing during that time. It is highly unlike he just stop being into her the moment they broke up.

            • Ike

              she kept letting him hit it. Mistake, she should have moved on, or at least tried.

        • Tanika C. Torres

          That’s not what the article said. Sounds more like she was more invested in the relationship than he was and by the time she found out she was pregnant, they were breaking up. Also, you sound so judgemental and callous. You saying she could change her single mother status by marrying another man and all will be well is very shortsighted and not recognizing her feelings about the situation. No woman wants to go through this.

          • Miss Sisie

            No, 1Val was right. The writer said she got pregnant the same week the ex started dating the new woman. She never mentioned cheating of any sort. What likey happened was that she kept sleeping with him long after their relationship was over! Big Mistake!

            She put herself at risk of single motherhood by sleeping with a man who was no longer hers or wanted to be with her.

            • Tracu

              “At the time I was incredibly in love with this person who was no longer in love with me,” – She never stated that the relationship was long over so how can we just assume? We all know that he very well could have dragged things along.

              • Miss Sisie

                The issue is that people don’t have any boundaries or requirements for sex anymore. He doesn’t have you be your husband, he doesn’t have to be in a relationship with you, he doesn’t even have to love you! That’s when things get MESSY- case in point.

                If it was a case of cheating, she would have said he cheated. She never said that. They were just still messing around cuz she still loved him, not because they were “together”.

                • Tracu

                  She was in a two year relationship with this man is my point… Also, things happens men lie too and help to perpetuate these unhealthy relationships too. It’s not like he was some random dude she had a one night stand with… Everything else you said can be considered valid but not in this situation.

                  I don’t think her situation was as messy as you’re describing.

              • jayla

                Tracu, you sound crazy! Wht continue to sleep with a man who is “no longer in love” with you. When a man stops loving you then STOP PURSUING HIM! Letting go is HARD! But tgere are times when you just have to… and this was one of those times! It certainly WAS NIT THE TIME TO KEEP SLEEPING WITH THE GUY YOU KNOW NO LONGER LOVES YOU!
                The reason why so many of you empathize with this woman is because you’re doing the same thing. I too have pushed for a relationship even though the guy was clearly showing me he didn’t want me, but that was THE WRONG THING TO DO. Just because you choose to understand this chick even though she’s doing the wrong thing doesn’t make it the right. It just means you’re making mistakes just like her. If you’re going to side with someone then side withthe female making healthy decisions… not the chick doing dumb stuff snd whining about it. Men won’t do right by us until WE DO RIGHT BY US!

                • Tracu

                  You sound crazy! YOU typing like you’ve never made a mistake before girl bye! Stop judging is my point.

                  I’ve been there, you’ve been there what makes you better?! BYE Comeback when you’re perfect I’m sure you’ve got at least to Baby Daddy’s or a couple abortions under your belt!

                  • Guest

                    mistake?? did she fall and land on his **** ? this isn’t about being perfect

                    • Tracu

                      What you described is an accident not mistake… All of you act like you’re perfect angel. I know you all have skeletons in your closet you just didn’t blog about it….

                • Skarpeokitty

                  Speak on it!!!

            • 9Boots

              The man was never hers from the start. He was never her husband.

              • Tanika C. Torres

                So if a man is not your husband then they don’t need to honor their romantic relationship? How does that make any sense? You expect respect, honesty and fidelity in any relationship.

                • 9Boots

                  The boyfriend/girlfriend “relationship” is a scam. It is a placebo marriage and men know that most women will have sex with them as long as they are a “girlfriend”. This is why men constantly cheat on girlfriends, drag their feet when it comes to getting married, and run when the “girlfriend” gets pregnant.

                  It is time for BW ( and women in general) to wise up and stop feeding the beast. Do not have sex with a man unless he is your husband. They ain’t worthy.

                  • Diane Whauloknat Bridges

                    This would be heaven on earth!

                    • 9Boots

                      Women hold the power. The million dollar questions is….will women use it to their fullest extent possible.

                    • MLS2698

                      Women would’nt have to complain if they would stop fornicating with men who are unworthy.

                  • MLS2698

                    I love, love, love the way you think. So refreshing!

                    • 9Boots

                      Spread the word. Tell it to others. It’s a new day!

              • Claudine Mellish

                Just because someone is married doesn’t make them yours.

            • msmartin

              “What likely happened…” Insert your own facts and assumptions here.

              • Miss Sisie

                it’s called making an educated guess based off what the author stated as fact, and what she also FAILED to say that a reasonable person WOULD have said.

          • 1Val

            I’m not judging her at all. Nor am I being callous because I do not find brooding over a failed relationship productive. The concept of moving on is a foreign one to women who like wallowing in their self pity because ONE man rejected them.

            Her feelings only matter to her because the man she is refusing to get over is happy living his life with his wife. Now she can continue to waste her energy, youth, looks and time over a man that does not care about her or she can choose to get on with her love life. All can be well with her finding love and marriage with another man.What purpose does it serve for her to live in her past? The man didn’t want her the sooner she accepts it the sooner she can heal her hurt. No woman should love a a man who doesn’t want her.

            • Tracu

              I don’t think this woman is brooding she just stated her perspective on their situation. She gave insight as the writer, shoot I wouldn’t like him as a person either but I would do what I needed to so that our child didn’t bear the burden of me not liking the person.

              • 1Val

                This woman is smarting over her daughter’s father choosing his wife over her. Her feelings about him are immaterial at this point. The only person concerned with what went wrong and timeline of that failed relationship is her.

                • Tanika C. Torres

                  I stand by initial assessment of saying you’re callous. How would you feel if the father of your child who isn’t even born decided to propose to another woman? If she was in love with him as she says and was hoping to create a family then she has every right to her feelings. It may take a month or a year but every person has to grieve in their own way. So what if she hates him now? This does not prevent her from moving on. Some stings just never go away.

                  • 1Val

                    I stand by my mine. Being a single parent her focus should be on her child not her child’s father. Its not about how she feels about her child’s father.

          • Skapeokitty

            Then, as an adult woman, why put yourself in that situation?

        • Tracu

          Maybe she’s not ready to date… Which I’m sure is super complicated as a single mother with morals and self respect.
          I’m sure dating after having a child is more complex because you can’t do what you did prior to having a child…

          • 1Val

            I agree she is not ready to date because she is smarting over her daughter’s father rejection of her.

            • Claudine Mellish

              Please tell me the next set of numbers being drawn in the lottery since you seem to be clairvoyant. Assumptions are dangerous.

        • msmartin

          WHATTTT. How do you know the intimate details of their relationship?

    • LoisLane2

      You make it sound as if she can just go down to Wal-Mart and pick up a husband in aisle 3! Plenty of single black women, those with children and those without, would like to be married but it is much easier said than done. I doubt if many (any?) single mothers are “choosing to remain single.” Of course their lives would be easier if they were married. But news flash: There is a chronic shortage of marriageable black men! Many single black women who want to marry will never end up doing so, through no fault of their own. Stop blaming the victim. It’s simple demographics, not the black woman’s fault.

      • 1Val

        Oh dear! It is simply a matter of changing your mind to change your life. This beautiful, accomplished yet emotionally stunted woman is doing what too many single mothers have done wasting her youth, energy and time loving their children’s fathers who moved on with their lives. Nothing is stopping this woman from dating and finding love except herself. She is too vested in the demise of her relationship with father’s daughter. In essence, this lady is choosing to remain single by living in her emotional past with child’s father. This lady is not a victim because she knew that she was in a dead end relationship yet had unprotected sex with her child’s father. She also chose to birth a child without being in a committed relationship. This isn’t about blame or living in yesterday. This lady needs to move on. She can be a married mother just not to her daughter’s father.

        • LoisLane2

          She never said she had unprotected sex; that is an assumption. She did not “choose” to have a child in an uncommitted relationship; she had sex with her boyfriend while they were having problems and she got pregnant around the same time the relationship ended. While some women might have opted for an abortion under those circumstances, for many women killing their own flesh and blood is not an option.

          I don’t get the impression she is so vested in her ex-boyfriend’s marriage that she she cannot move on to a new relationship. How do we know she is not dating now? Maybe she is…but just hasn’t found Mr. Right. I still maintain that one cannot just produce a husband instantaneously… regardless of how open one is to getting married. In addition to the right mindset, a lot of luck is involved. Just because she is dating doesn’t mean she can’t still be hurt about the way her ex treated her. She’s only human.

          • Mo

            Actually if you click on the link to the larger article, she does say this. She said she was always 100% careful – until this one time. Basically, she was in a failing relationship that she did not want to end and she threw the oldest hail mary in the book – pregnancy – thinking it would bring that man back to her. It did not. I will go as far as to speculate she did it on purpose. If you have been with a person for 2 years who knows that you protect yourself 100% of the time, when you call him over for that “one last time” he probably thinks you are still being 100% careful as the relationship is falling apart.
            While I am absolutely sure she loves her child deeply, I am just as sure part of the decision to have her was based on remaining in that man’s life in some form, even if she couldnt be his woman. Like I said before, it will be interesting to see what happens when he has other children and might not be able to be in his daughter’s (and her mother’s) life as much as he is now.
            She is hurting and as much as I don’t agree with her actions, i think they are based on human emotions and she is kind of brave to actually put it out there that she let her heart override her good sense.

        • PleaseStop

          Please stop posting and replying to messages 1Val. You sound jaded and ignorant and just plain idiotic.

          • 1Val

            Why are YOU so offended by my comments? You certainly are taking my posts seriously to resort to rudeness and name calling.

          • msmartin

            You left out gossiping hater.

        • BlackOnyx

          The lady is not focused on getting a man right now, she just had a baby. She is focused on her daughter. She is just being transparent saying she never imagined being a single mother which is her reality right now. She is happy she did not terminate her pregnancy because of her preconceived thoughts. She is happy being a mother to her baby girl. Nothing is wrong with that. That is a beautiful thing. She loves being her daughter’s mother, but she knows she is more than a mom and will do things a little differently than her own mother.

          • 1Val

            And hating her daughter’s father because he did not want her. She has gone so far to write an article disclosing their relationship. How embarrassing for him and his wife that she wants the world to know and hate him for rejecting her like she does.

            • fe

              1Val might the dad’s new wife.

            • MeMe

              This lady has expressed being “lucky”, she has a career, and even talks of a hopeful future with her daughter, which clearly she adores. She even mentions how good she and the father are doing co parenting..Where in hell are you getting “HATE”?????

              • 1Val

                She stated in the article that she “hates the man but does not hate the dad.”

          • Claudine Mellish

            Exactly!!!!! Some of these comments are ridiculous.

          • MeMe

            Nicely said..And isn’t this woman one of the editors for Ebony magazine, or did I misread? Sounds like she is content and happy with her life, but is simply reflecting on how she ended up as a single mother. I’m not sure how ppl are misreading this but this lady is overall HAPPY. She is not sad and single, but has a career and a beautiful daughter and proud of it. I never expected people tp be going in on her for telling her story smh

        • rhonda

          Where does she say that she’s still in love with him, brooding over him, and stuck? I didn’t get that from this article. If anything, she talks more about the adjustments and sacrifices she’ll have to make now that she’s a single parent.

          • Claudine Mellish

            I can tell from these response who failed reading comprehension is school

            • Auntieruckus

              At least we didn’t fail the COMMON SENSE test so its all good.

      • WritergalinAtlanta

        What a myth that marriage makes parenting or life in general, easy. Marriage is hard, period. Marriage is not the golden globe for surviving the hardships of singleness; because those of us who have been married for years know that is not the case.

        Also, it’s irritating to hear single mothers (of which I used to be one) say that ‘fate’ had something else in store for them. Fate had nothing to do with your decision to lay down with a man, with no protection, to whom you were not married to or in a serious relationship, and conceive a child. I don’t believe in abortion, so kudos to you for realizing that your bad decision didn’t have to turn into lifelong regret. But please, don’t blame it on fate.

        Lastly, I have to disagree with that statement that black women are single, not because they want to be, but because there is a shortage of marriageable black men. That too, is a myth. What God has for you is for you, but marriage is NOT an institution to be entered into lightly and many single, black women are not ready.

        Having a great job, being Mrs. Independent, and so on and so forth, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for marriage. So please, don’t blame singleness on lack of options. Sometimes it’s because the expectations of black women are so high that even the greatest guy gets over looked because he hasn’t made the checklist.

        • 9Boots

          Get real. There is a shortage of BM that want to be married as opposed to being players and pimps.

          • Just a man

            sorry 9Boots, the BM just married a different AA women.. so that shortage theory is out of synch with the facts

            • Anonymous

              He married a black woman who was willing to accept some third degree foolery within a few months of knowing him. If i was a selfish child whose thoughts did not extend beyondwhat was best for me, I also would have jumped at the chance of locking down such a pushover.

            • 9Boots

              Oh my God, one BM out of 20 million got married. It’s raining BM!!

              • Auntieruckus

                Make that about 41 out of 20 millions

        • honeyb

          As a married woman, I will say, my marriage is easier and more beneficial for my children than the many women I know who are single mothers. Also, let’s mention something no one wants to talk about. Being a baby’s mama isnt going to line men up at the door.

          • Gert

            Thank you, I tell people all the time. I am blessed to have a husband that is present in the home to raise our children. It does make a difference. My children have been able to experience more because there are two parents in the household.

          • thatguy0101

            Agreed! Now if a man comes in her life, she now has to say “she a package deal” accept me or not… She very attractive, but knowing shes a single mother, her value decreases alot…

          • Auntieruckus

            No it won’t,sheit i have stop dating amazing guys when i found out they had kids,um no! I will not become step mama to anyone nor deal with a jealous insecure and angry broad,who is mad at me for knowing how to negotiate my goods without losing,gtfo with that ish.

        • 9Boots

          Married men live longer than single men. Married women are less likely to be in poverty as opposed to single women. Married women obtain more wealth.

      • Just a man

        Clearly that same Black man just proposed to be marrying another AA female, so this myth that Black men dont marry is faulty at best… He didnt chose her, dont blame it on a shortage…

        • honeyb

          22% of black men who married last year married non black women TWENTY TWO PERCENT

          • 9Boots

            That equals one quater. That number is high considering that only ten BM get married. LOL

          • Just a man

            So, they got married… The guy in this storyu, to stay on point, didnt marry HER… clearly he is getting married to an AA women, so go figure… again, to be so smart, intelligence says dont have unprotected sex with anyone who isnt your spouse.. Period, not 1 time, not ever…

        • 9Boots

          Being that 48% of BM over the age of eighteen have never been married. Their is a marriage shortage.

          • Just a man

            Over 18… really who gets married at 18… try the stats over 40 then get back to me… Black Men get married, so kill that BS stat…

            • nancy

              Yes. Black men have kids in their 20s and 30s then marry another woman in their 40s.

            • 9Boots

              No duh. However this age range is used because that is a legal marriage age and it used across the board for all races. Nevertheless, BM have the lowest marriage rate of all races.

            • 9Boots

              So BW are supposed to wait until they are over 40 just to finally get a BM. GTFOH. The average marriage age for men (not black, because black men wait until they have one foot in the grave) is 27.

      • Ike

        There is no shortage of BM. you women just like sharing men, Pookie and Ray Ray. You now, thing-loving type. Don’t forget he’s tall too, so you are even more o a sucker then. He knocks you up, moves on, then you complain, just like the article.

        • Ike

          I meant thug-loving type.

    • ReadingComprehension

      What article were you reading? I hate when people read and don’t comprehend and then decide to spout judgemental and ignorant comments. The article clearly isn’t focused on her wanting her baby daddy’s love. IShe even says “I may hate the man, but I don’t hate the dad.” She is clearly focused on her child and not him. She doesn’t even complain about being single in the article. She just talks about how being a single mother isn’t something she planned for her life (which most women don’t), but that she has embraced it and is glad she went through with having her daughter. Please re-read and take a second to comprehend. After that please take many seats.

      • msmartin

        In a stadium with 20,000 of them. Arghh.

      • Aliy Mc

        THANK YOU!!!

      • guest

        I am so SICK of the expression ‘take a seat’…be more creative in 2014 people…sounds stupid and uneducated. What exactly does that mean anyway?!