“Gender Traitors” – Should Women Stand In Solidarity When It Comes To Cheating Men?

40 comments
December 28, 2013 ‐ By Brooke Dean

As I perused my Facebook feed, a male friend posed this question for discussion: What is it about a man complaining about his girlfriend or wife that makes a woman be willing to cheat with him? At first I wasn’t sure what he meant, but he went on to say that when a man says he’s not happy in his current relationship or complains that his wife is nagging him, the woman he’s complaining to almost always seems willing to “comfort” him by being a better woman to him than his current partner.

Now, of course I didn’t think he should have painted all women with the broad stroke of one brush, but it did get me to thinking that there are a lot of women who hold the belief that if a woman was handling her business at home, her man wouldn’t be looking elsewhere. But what most men know and some women discover is that men seem to know exactly who to prey on when they want to cheat. They choose a woman with a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on who are more than willing to show him what a good woman she is in comparison to his current woman. It’s sad.

One woman who posted in the comment section labeled these women as “gender traitors,” meaning they hold no solidarity with other women when it comes to a man who is looking to cheat. Her position was that if more women told these men to kick rocks when they came around complaining about their women, or instructed them to work it out at home rather than “coming to his rescue,” less men would cheat. Hmm…I believe she has a point.

Now granted, I don’t think women should hold other women responsible for their cheating boyfriends or husbands or the demise of their relationships, but I can’t help but wonder that if more men would be faithful if more women said no to them. If there is always a woman willing to cheat, then they have no reason to change their behavior. But is that unrealistic?

It is believed that women are naturally competitive with each other – whether in the workplace, friendships or romantic situations. If the majority of women believe that there is a shortage of good men out there, the competition is even more serious. It’s survival of the fittest, so if one woman can or will do what another woman can’t or won’t, then it’s somehow the other woman’s fault for her own shortcomings when it comes to getting and keeping a man.

Also, women these days may not see getting involved with a taken man as immoral under the guise of being “sexually free.” If they feel they can separate sex from love, then messing around with your man may not be a big deal to them if they’re getting their needs met while not “catching feelings.” Of course, if you’re the girlfriend or wife, it won’t matter that she’s not actually trying to “steal” your man or that she’s not considering you while she’s getting her back cracked. To the other woman, you should be mad at your man, not her since she’s not the one in the committed relationship. And she would be right.

So that being said, are these so-called “gender traitors” the destroyers of relationships, or are we placing too much blame on women? Should we hold other women responsible for keeping our men faithful, or should we simply judge the man for any indiscretions? In my opinion, there really is no such thing as a “gender traitor,” just someone is who isn’t true to him or herself. Our life choices are about personal responsibility, not responsibility for anyone else’s actions. If each person, male or female, took personal responsibility for his or her actions with integrity and self respect, then perhaps this “problem” would take care of itself.

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  • coolyfett

    I dont think there is any alliances between women who dont really know each other. I remember when me and my lady was having some issues and women at my job wanting to hangout or tell me things to tell my lady so I had a reason to go out and meet with them. They may have just wanted to hang out, but I often wonder if they were trying to get close and take me away from my current girlfriend…Im not sure.

  • FromUR2UB

    Saw a movie on TCM called, ‘The Women’, made in 1939. One of the women learned that her husband was cheating on her after about 10 years of marriage. Of course she was hurt. She went to her mother to discuss it, debated whether she wanted to stay in the marriage or not. Her mother said something that I thought was very wise. She basically told her daughter that after a time, men begin to feel insecure with themselves and their lives, especially when they hit middle age, and just want to see themselves through the eyes of another woman. In other words, a man’s reasons for cheating usually have more to do with HIM than his relationship with his wife. Men know this; they just don’t tell women that. It works for them to just let women think there is something they can do to keep from getting cheated on. The only ones who don’t seem to know this are the silly women they cheat with, who 1) seem to have very little understanding of men, thinking that his only motivation for cheating must be when he doesn’t get his needs met, and 2) have a need to elevate herself by thinking she’s more woman than the one he has.

  • MsMissy

    Saying that a woman is not a responsible party in adultery is a LIE! That’s like saying “I went to the bank and saw this money laying around so I took it, shoot they shouldn’t have left it on the counter”. Ummmm yea, NO!!! I don’t know if you believe in God but he is not saying “Welllll technically HE was the one married” We all have a moral responsibility to treat people as we would like to be treated. Maybe u don’t believe in KARMA but I most definitely do. Smh

  • NVAdamzz

    I don’t think the other woman has any responsibility in the actions of a man who laid down HIS life and took vows to honor agreements set by HE and HIS WIFE in their relationship or marriage. Everyone doesn’t have a marriage with tradional vows and agreements and no one knows the inside of someone else’s relationship unless the details are fully disclosed. So how can anyone else but those who are committed to that relationship be responsible for its upkeep? For example, there is a married man that I work with who is pursuing me and he says that he would like me to come home with him and his wife. He says that his wife brings women home and that he’s allowed to do the same. However, in the beginning he wasn’t trying to include his wife. He told me that I didn’t need to worry about HIS wife because that’s HIS job and he feels that if he takes care of home there shouldn’t be any problems. I declined (and still decline) his advances even though his wife said it was okay because

    A. I don’t want any part in ruining (or being a catalyst for the ruin of) someone’s marriage. Especially not a Black marriage. I don’t think we have enough examples of a stable family for real in our community so when I see one, I want so much for it to be a success and I want my future Black family to be successful as well. They have 4 kids. Why ruin your family over a piece of a s s (which is all I would be to him anyway).

    B. Of course it would cause a really awkward situation at work. Plus how do I know your wife isn’t crazy jealous and won’t come up to the job screaming and trying to fight me and cause us both to get fired. I don’t think so.

    So while I wouldn’t involve myself in such a situation, I don’t think a woman who would should be held responsible for another man’s marriage.

    • CC

      So basically you’re saying you took the initiative to not ruin a marriage but the other woman doesn’t have any responsibility to walk away (just as you did) because she doesn’t want to ruin a union?? Oh and any woman (or man) with some sense (such as the same as you had in your particular situation) would know that a man is not being completely honest about the stipulations of his relationship agreements. When a woman (or man) agrees to participate in that knowing something is off balanced, yes he or she is putting themselves in a spot to ruin the union and (knowingly) devastate their original partner. You contradicted yourself in your own explanation……..

      • NVAdamzz

        It wasn’t my intention to contradict myself, perhaps I was unclear.

        What I mean is, I made the decision to reject his advances based on my own morals and what I think is right, not because I feel that I’m responsible for policing him and making sure his marriage remains in tact. I personally want his marriage (and everyone’s marriage for that matter) to be successful and full of love but if he’s out to break his vows, the least I can do is make certain it won’t be with me.

        I understand that everyone doesn’t think the way that I do. Some people don’t care about breaking a union or don’t think they’re taking part in breaking a union as long as they “stay in their lane” that’s why I feel that it’s always the responsibility of the party who is in the relationship to put people in their place.

        How can someone who doesn’t know or care about your relationship be to blame for its ruin? If I were married (and I hope to be in the future) I’m sure that I’ll get attention from men who want to sleep with me and they won’t care about how my husband feels about it and that’s assuming they even care that I have a husband to speak of. It’s my responsibility to tell those men that I’m a married woman who loves my husband and that I won’t do anything to disrespect him or ruin our relationship. Just like I would expect my husband to tell a woman who is making inappropriate advances toward him the same thing because she probably doesn’t care that I even exist.

        • CC

          Well #1, knowing about someone’s relationship but not caring is one thing and not knowing, whether they care or not is a totally different story. That still doesn’t make sense. This particular article is about a woman who knows about it but decides to engage in inappropriate behavior with him. The question is, is she responsible for the demise of the couple’s relationship?? I say yes, she definitely plays a role at pulling the man away from his woman and obviously she doesn’t care about the man’s woman if she were to find out. On the other hand, if she doesn’t know he’s in a relationship because he has lied and worked around giving clues that he is SERIOUSLY involved with someone else, no she can’t be HELD ACCOUNTABLE for it. Whatever the case, she may be the reason it ends, but definitely not the reason he decided to stray. That’s totally on him……..

  • Courtney Banks

    This has nothing to do with gender. When someone is attracted to you and see an “opening” they take it. Same thing go for men who become “friends” with women hoping one day their man messes up,

  • Kam

    The person who stepped outside of the confines of the relationship holds the majority of the responsibility. The other person holds almost all of the rest. I say almost because the only time (IMO) you can truly blame the wife or significant other is if they know whats going on and complain about the situation but never do anything about it. Then its on them.

  • GeekMommaRants

    Yes, lets pit women against each other and focus only on men. This is what Madan Noi_re has become.

    • janelle

      Asking a question doesn’t mean the website advocates this stuff – and if you read the author’s stance, she said it’s about personal responsibility – male or female. Don’t act like there aren’t women out there like this, so I see no reason why MN can’t address it.

      • GeekMommaRants

        Agreed! Men and women should be responsible, however, it seems like men enjoy a cat fight.

  • KeepingItReal

    Hello NO!!!!! Who do you think these men are cheating with (the straight men, of course)????

  • young afrique

    Cheating is a moral issue ..individual choices and not a social dilemna …

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  • Kimberly Moseberry

    In the end yes we can be mad at the women, but what if the man lies and says he’s not in a relationship? Can you still blame the women some of these guys are out right shameless and ruthless. Remember the Husband made his wife a promise of respect and love not the outside party. Yet we are willing to make all types of excuses for a cheating man.

    • marshefen

      I think the article is implying that the woman knew he was in a committed relationship. If he’s lying to both of them, the other woman isn’t at fault.

      • Kimberly Moseberry

        The other woman can’t force the man to cheat on his wife. The husband made the promise of being faithful to his wife not the other woman.

        • marshefen

          True, but in my opinion, sleeping with a man you know is married is still wrong and immoral.

          • Kimberly Moseberry

            It is, but in the end it is the married man’s choice as to if he will cheat or not.

  • yu mad

    Now the marriage part i understand FULLY and no woman should EVER mess with a married man, or a man with a fiance or a WELL known serious relationship…but in the DATING WORLD lets be completely transparent and honest as we all have been young or are still young…some men are not forth coming/honest about the seriousness of women they are “dating” or how many women they casually “date” when they are on the dating scene…So I dont know how to your guns you can be about not accepting advances or compliments or coffee dates from men who may be casually dating another woman. If you find out it is serious and he is lying bout the situation you should tell him to STEP, but find out…everyone in their younger days dates around. I dont know if articles like these are for young or OLDER individuals sometimes. Just know the other persons situation is all im sayin.

  • MsMissy

    A man only does what women allow. If more of us (women) would take a stand and say no go home to your wife, these men would have no one to cheat with… My ex-husband was a mess, he found women to cheat with him constantly. They would take him out of town, get hotel rooms and everything. They would come get him from our home in the middle of night while I was sleeping. Lol. These women out here are ruthless, they want a man by any means necessary! Smh

    • Live_in_LDN

      The way you explain it sounds like you’ve absolved your husband from all responsibility and that he was almost kidnapped by these women. Ah, the poor, helpless man.

      Face it. They didn’t ‘come take him from your home’, he invited them to your house because he took you for a fool and had no respect for you.

      • MsMissy

        I definitely did not absolve him from anything, that is why it says EX-HUSBAND. The article is about WOMEN, and I was merely commenting on these women who have no morales or boundaries. I was giving an example boo.

  • 1Val

    People who involve themselves in others relationships are not gender traitors just self traitors. For anyone to knowingly engaged in relationships with involved people does themselves a disservice.

    Forget blaming the person who cheats, person for staying with a cheater without addressing participation in self abuse of person being with a cheater.. You should NEVER involve yourself with people who don’t mean you any good for any reason including loneliness,validation, ego manifested in having sex.

    Bottom line is, I don’t sleep with unavailable men because I don’t want to betray other women, I don’t sleep with unavailable men because my loyalty is to not betraying myself.

    • chaka1

      Good post

    • S Boog

      #TRUTH That last sentence is the best part of this entire thread.

    • VVV

      I dont always agree with you but this right here is the truth.

  • NuI

    If more women actually left their cheating partners then yes men would be more faithful

    • Lyndia

      If they left a cheating spouse, that wouldn’t make him be more faithful. He would just find another person and cheat on them too.

      • FromUR2UB

        The point is that if more women refused to cheat with men, it would be a whole lot tougher for them to cheat. As it stands now, cheating is easy for men because they have no trouble finding women who are willing to cheat with them. The fact that so many women say, “I’m not responsible for your relationship with her” works to his advantage; provides plenty of opportunity.

  • CC

    You should always strive to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That goes for relationships (cheating included), even the outsider. If the situation were reversed, that woman would feel the same way towards the other woman. Men see things differently. If a man’s woman cheats, he automatically blames his woman, not the other man. I have reason to believe this is because if he were in the other man’s shoes, he wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to sleep with his woman either (especially with no strings attached and no commitment expected), so why be mad at him?? The only time there seems to be exceptions when the man blames the other man is if he is family or a close friend. As adults, we all know the feeling of being cheated on (at least most of us do), and it’s not a very good one. Why would you put that on someone else’s heart??? Selfish?? Greed??? Immoral?? Only karma can answer that………

    • Indepth

      So because he’s a man he gets a pass? That’s what’s wrong with the situation now. Everybody should be held accountable but the majority of the blame should go to the cheater, they are the one’s who are in the committed relationship and decided to stray.

      • CC

        Is that what I said?? I don’t think so. Just saying what I see in general and of course the one in the relationship has the responsibility to be faithful. Nothing more or less than that.

    • inessa

      “Men see things differently. If a man’s woman cheats, he automatically blames his woman, not the other man.”
      This is an insult to all the men getting stabbed and getting into fights over some a$$..just look at “cheaters”

      • CC

        Not necessarily…..On the show “Cheaters”, how many of the (male) outsiders have no clue that the woman is not in a relationship?? Of course that would tick anyone off and that would be another exception. Most women don’t care if the woman is aware of their relationship or not, she seems to fly off on pure emotion, because some woman is in her place, period. Also, they don’t air every single case. They usually only air the dramatic ones for interest of the viewers. There are always exceptions to EVERY rule, I didn’t think I had to point that out. Again, this is just what I’ve seen or heard in general and as you can see quite a few have agreed.

  • stefanie

    The person who cheats is responsible period. I’m so tired of this discussion.

  • Rai

    I’m tired of this notion that the “other” woman has no responsibility in a man cheating. Regardless of what he would do if she chose to deny his advances, the fact that she didn’t means she can be held accountable as well. If a woman knows a man is in a committed relationship or married, she should have no parts. Period.

    • Lee

      I she said no though do you really think a cheating man would just be like well I will just give up cuz this one said no. He will find another women and another and another. Yes the other women has a part but people act like it is all on her and give the man a pass like it is 90% him and he is the one in the relationship. That is such BULL the man is the one sleeping with two or more women in that situation and more than likely lying to both at the same time. Gender traders is some other BULL I have no loyalty to you just because you are a women. i would never be with a man that is with someone else because he has proven himself unloyal in relationships. Eventually some women will say yes or he will realize he has to lie more and better. Some people just do not care though.

      • FromUR2UB

        Why do people choose to see it as the man being given a pass, just because someone says that the woman he’s cheating with is responsible for HER actions with him? I’m sick of people giving the OW a pass. More times than not, she knows he’s married or involved with someone else. She makes a conscious decision to get involved with him, or stay involved with him once she finds out. Acknowledging her participation doesn’t absolve the guy of anything.

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