Ask A Very Smart Brotha: How Can I Get My Child’s Father To Marry Me?

December 20, 2013  |  
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Shelle: When dealing with a younger man, what are some things you should never bring up? I’m 37 my fiance’ is 25.

DY: You should be able to bring up anything. What’s the point of marrying someone if you have off limits topics with them?

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Mia: What does a man need to be content?

DY: Depends on the man. Personally, all I need is some nice cooked food and some nice clean drawers.

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Christy: If you’re frustrated and unhappy should you just leave or try and voice your feelings first?

DY: Depends on why you’re frustrated and unhappy. If a conversation can fix things, have the conversation. If not, well, there’s your answer.

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Rudzani: How do I get back to my men after cheating on him? I really need him back.

DY: Pray.

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Quae: How to deal with the problem that the man insists on taking care of the woman financially when she refuses to accept his financial aid?

DY: Sounds like a good problem to have. Anyway, if the woman continues to refuse, it’s a good idea to stop insisting. Also, why is the woman refusing? (And why is the man so adamant on helping her out?)

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Akira: What do you do when you have been trying to be with one person for years & they didn’t want you, but now they’re chasing you & you don’t feel the same about them anymore?

DY: Continue to ignore him and see, date, and spend time with…other people.

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Bobbie: I want my children’s father to marry me, but his upbringing doesn’t demonstrate that and he’s still working on being a consistent father. Should I just focus on raising the babies with him and just grow with that solely in mind or can I guide him towards where I’d like us to be?

DY: Can’t mold a grown man. Either he’s going to want to marry you or he won’t. But that’s on him, not you. Nothing you can do about that. In the mean time, just continue to make sure your child has a healthy and positive upbringing.

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Nikki: When a man has the whole package, what causes him to not wanna settle down… still mess with “hoes.” lets just be real what can a woman do to get a man to settle down with her?

DY: Think about it from his perspective: If he has all these things going for him–as you say he does–what incentive does he have to settle down?

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Latoya: How can a guy claim he loves you and always thinks about you but he works all the time, you guys barely talk and haven’t seen each other in months?

DY: He could be telling the truth. But, if he’s thinking about you and not seeing you, “love” definitely isn’t enough of a reason for you to stay with him.

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Chrysten: When a woman puts her feelings out there, how long should we wait for it to be addressed with our person of interest before we move on?

DY: If a woman shares that she likes a man and hears crickets in return, there should be no “waiting.” A lack of an answer is an answer.

"Man caught cheating pf"

NuNu: Can a man love his main chick and love his side chick more than the main chick?

DY: Yes. It’s possible. “Love” isn’t a reason for the “main chick” to stay though. All the love in the world doesn’t make up for blatant disrespect.

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Yve: Who should handle the overbearing mother-in-law? The son? Or the wife?

DY: The son.

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Olasumbo: I broke up wit my boyfriend some months ago. He contacted me again saying he wishes to see me and he is not very far from me now. He invites me to come over and spend xmas with him, but when I asked him if he wants us to make up, he said I should not put him in a tight corner. I don’t understand!

DY: Sounds like he just wants to give you a gift. And that gift is his d*ck in a box

"Angry woman pf"

Ashlaquie: I fell in love with my best friend but we were never in a relationship and when he decided to go back to his ex (which he had been lying to both of us. ) I exposed him for lying to both of us to the ex and now were enemies…. If he never cared about me I should’ve never mattered right? So why be enemies when we were friends for 28 yrs…..(he had no reason to lie to me…ijs)???

DY: Why does it matter if you’re enemies or not? Why even want him in your life if he’s been lying to you about something like that?

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Monashea: My husband and I have been separated for 5 years and now he’s trying to come back. I want him to be in our sons life but he acts as if we are a package deal. I don’t want him back but how do I get him to co parent with me. Btw he hasn’t seen his son in 5 years either. What should I do?

DY: Just tell him exactly that. That while you don’t want him, the child he helped produce needs a father. And, if you can’t convince him of that, I’m sure a judge or a lawyer could do the convincing for you

 

Bre: Damon…I have been friends with this boy from level 200 even before I broke up with my guy. He used to share some of his relationship stuffs with me. I’m now done with university and doing my national service. He’s been sending me messages lately that he loves me. The truth is I care about him and often call to check up on him but I don’t love him as a lover. I’m a very jovial person so me telling him I ain’t interested is not making him believe me. What should I do?

DY: Be blunt. It might not be in your nature to be that way, but for some men, bluntness is the only way the point will get through

 

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  • toya

    You should have gotten married b4 you gave him a child. Ain’t noway I would have a baby with a man that isn’t married to me. I think I’m way to good 4 that. A man values a woman who has morals. This baby mama stuff is to trifling to me. Also Ive been married since 1991

  • smh

    Maybe I am oversimplifying things … and I’m not conservative at all … but why have a baby with a man who you either don’t think is husband material or isn’t your husband yet? There are too many ways to NOT get pregnant. Just seems like you are starting out of the gate at a deficit. Of course accidents happen, but the women I know who are single parents or got pregnant and got rid of the babies were simply careless when it came to safe sex. What has disturbed me more is how cavalier they are about it. Black people need to stop thinking having babies is recreation or a way to keep a man. Not getting pregnant is as easy as six bucks for a box of rubbers at Target. I don’t get it.

    • SharonRose

      I’m the same, and you get stupid people saying what’s the point in marriage (now it’s okay if marriage isn’t for you) but for the who do want to get married and think having kids first and then getting the ring after won’t make a difference are sadly mistaken. Having a baby with someone, so they can stay will never work out, that baby wasn’t made out of love.

  • Drea

    These are some of the dumbiest answers I’ve heard. One answer was to just “pray”. Faith without works is dead! You can’t just pray to God and not put in actual work. And to the question that is the topi of this article, no he wot marry you after all this time. You didn’t require him to. You slept with him, had his baby, and have been performing wife-like duties without making him earn any of it. It’s too late now. I’ve never seen a man propose to a baby mama. If you had made him work for it in the dying phase, he would have staked his claim long ago.

    • Drew

      Irony = you writing “dumbiest”

  • Treacle234

    I’m sorry but I could not be bothered to flip through 17 pages of these mini Q & A. I reached page 4 and clicked off the site.

  • Bren

    Sorry to burst your bubble but you can’t force him to marry you. He got the milk for free so why buy the cow? If marriage was important to you, you should have thought about t ahead of time and found someone like minded. So as this point you can either deal with it or try to start over and find someone who sees marriage as a huge part of their future.

  • BajanBeauty

    These comments are so ignorant. You people really stereotype unmarried women with children. Did anyone ever think about the women who didn’t start motherhood as a single parent? What about the cowardly men who run from their responsibilities? Yes some men DO change once a baby comes in the picture, you gonna blame that on the woman too? Sorry to dissapoint but not every black woman who has given birth without the child’s father’s support, did it for a welfare check. And for the person who said “if i wasn’t the first choice for a husband blah blah blah” its almost 2014. Just about every grown woman you know has had a pregnancy scare, and there are plenty of good women who got mixed up with the wrong man. the most judgemental people like you have the biggest skeletons in their closet!

    • Herm Cain

      A hit dog will holler funny thing is its always single mothers talking this virtuous s**t like they know something everyone else doesn’t just say you were irresponsible and made bad choices you all say that same weak he changed once the baby came how about try marriage first I agree with the other comment I personally wouldn’t be bothered with a single mother I’m not taking care of nobodies mistake and they usually have a track record of pregnancy scares I’ve dealt with plenty grown women who take birth control responsibly and don’t have that problem

      • Tudbee

        How about try some punctuation……you know like periods/full stops, commas etc.

        • Alexis

          Did it take away from his point? Noooo.

      • Alexis

        I know, they all have the same story. Sad.

    • SharonRose

      Did you just say it’s 2014 almost every grown woman has had a pregnancy scare? You say it like it nothing and that it’s to be expected, and it’s the new norm. SMH. It’s nearly 2014 pregnancy scares shouldn’t be made like it’s so normal. I somewhat agree with the other stuff, just look for red flags, you can spot them in the beginning, if someone isn’t a good guy.

    • KeepingItReal

      If you are NOT MARRIED and get pregnant and give birth…you are starting motherhood as a SINGLE PARENT. Problem is…women have no idea what a relationship is…let alone a marriage. That’s why you need to be taught the old way…which is the RIGHT. Everything else is BS so stop making excuses. It’s YOUR FAULT.

    • BabyBlue

      Wth does the year have to do with anything? If it’s to display the “how far we come” statements its all backwards. With all of this information literally at our fingertips (cell phones and internet) people are still making bone head choices. The year has nothing to do with anything.

    • Alexis

      The reason people stereotype unwed mothers is because it’s not becoming of a women to give birth to a man’s child who didn’t actually commit to her. Ejaculation doesn’t count. Children occur when a mate has been found, not in the middle of a quest uncertain. They’re not bad ppl but they just don’t seem to understand why certain things happen to them. Yes some men change but that’s been a running excuse for women who don’t take responsibility when the men they PICK tend to walk out. It’s called signs, and baby moms never seem to see any. I do agree that not every bw has a baby for welfare purposes that just sounds far fetched, and stupid, but about the pregnancy scare, so what. As long as they don’t have it when they don’t need it with no male then “almost” doesn’t count. Women should stop getting “mixed up” with the wrong men. It’s not cute, it’s not safe and it’s stupid. If she can’t stop, she deserves everything she gets. Nobody’s being judgmental, it’s called standards.

  • lfsm

    Lol, why is this a question? I don’t understand doing it BACKWARDS and then having this dumb a $$ question. How many millions of times does this mistake have to happen before women realize this is truly insanity! Doing the same thing and expecting a different result 🙁 It seems like common sense to me

    • guest

      Seems like common sense because it IS common sense. Unfortunately, common sense isn’t all that common . . .

  • Power2DaSheeples.

    This is why I don`t date single mothers, If i`m not your first choice for a husband I damn sho want be you second.

    • Live_in_LDN

      A woman can be childless and still see you as their second choice. They could be settling for you because their first choice got away.

  • MyBiz

    Become Mrs before you become mommy. Simple, right?

    • guest

      …and THAT is all that needs to be said.

  • ER Bass

    I’m no expert at relationships, but…. if you knew he was a butt-hole with father issues, why did you have a kid with him? Just saying.

    • Alexis

      She’s an idiot.

  • BabyBlue

    These Questions and Answers are self explanatory. Do any of these women have common sense

  • Cece D

    I really appreciated this column. I think the info is very down to earth, and very honest. I hope you keep producing “ask a real smart brother” it will help a lot of young women decode men’s unspoken “language”.

  • Anonymous

    Do not ever try to resolve issues in family court except as a last resort. Nobody is happy in family court.

  • KeepingItReal

    You can’t. It’s up to him.

    • SharonRose

      You can never force a many to marry you, if the idea ain’t there in his head already, some women think men need to be coerced into marriage or they don’t know what they want and they need to be told. One thing I was taught was, a guy knows if he wants you and he knows if he wants to marry you.

      • Lisa

        Been there tried that, that ish ain’t gonna work ever. He should be the one to bring up getting married not you.

        Guys these days will date for 10 years without even the thought of marrying.

        • BabyBlue

          If I’ve been in an relationship for ten years and not married it’s nobody’s fault but mines. Especially,if I played house. He’s thinking there’s no need to get married we’re already living the married life. I think the topic needs and should be talked about often.

          • SharonRose

            So true, playing house is another thing, he’s got the milk for free, so why buy the cow? You’re cooking, cleaning and giving him s e x. He pays the bills. He’d be thinking there is no point in marriage and add a kid into that mix, you’ve got your family already.

      • KeepingItReal

        I actually think men know what they want better than women. They just may not speak on it. For example…a man can live with a woman for 15 years (like black dude from Sesame Street) and never marry a woman. Meet another woman the next day and marry her a week later. Too many women think because they gave birth to a child…they are “wise” and can give unsolicited advice to other grown folks. NOT TRUE. Stay in your lane. Make decisions for YOURSELF and let others make decisions for THEMSELVES.

        • BabyBlue

          Preach it.

        • SharonRose

          Haha so true, my father before he even talked to my mum told all his friends, that my mum is the one, and he put a ring on that finger. Unfortunately he passed, but I only just learned that today. So a man does know you’re the one, like you said men know what they want better than women, If a guy has set his mind on something there is no way you can force him to change, only he can. Besides if a guy really wants you, he will come correct, men aren’t some complicated creatures lol, some of us women we read way to much into what some guys say.
          Edit: Make sure marriage and/or kids, is something you both wanted from the beginning.