You know who has no problem getting and keeping a man? Evelyn Lozada.
The woman, whose frosty stare could turn even the most warm-blooded heart cold and who has scrapped with and thrown under the bus almost every single cast member of Basketball Wives Miami can’t seem to keep the menfolk away. They love her enough to want to date her. They love her enough to put a ring on it. They love her enough to put a baby in it too.
But according to most folks, nobody wants a crazy witch of a woman. Men say they don’t like loud chicks or women who have no home-training. They’re not into girls that fight, throw tantrums or make crazy demands. Matter of fact, being a witch of a woman is the number one reason why single women aren’t married according to this widely-circulated article from 2011 by television writer Tracy McMillan:
You’re a B**ch
Here’s what I mean by b**ch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone, who is nice to them…
And yet, Lozada and her behavior continue to defy the odds. And it is not just Lozada, as many other designated witches, both on television and in real life, have little problem attracting members of the opposite sex in spite of their b***hiness. Like those “associates” we have, who on paper should be considered undateable. And by “on paper,” I mean popular opinion, including those “Men Don’t Date/Marry These Type of Women” lists, written mostly by men (or at the very least from a male’s perspective), which have become so popular on the Internet as of late. On paper, homegirl is the epitome of the selfish, shallow, eye-rolling, uncultured, always-with-an-attitude type of woman that is supposed to be an instant turnoff. However, everywhere you guys go, and more importantly, no matter the caliber of male company you happen to be in, the menfolk always seem to gravitate towards her neck-rolling, eyebrow arching, nasty attitude and she-devil persona. Even more curious, they are not just interested in her for the night, but most times they stick around as boyfriends, and one or two (sometimes more) actually stay around to become husbands.
Meanwhile, you, the proverbial nice, polite and well-mannered girl, continue to leave that same meat market sausage free. Even with your even-keeled, compromising temperament, which all the boys like enough to call and burden you with their troubles but not enough to date, it is you (and not her), who still end up alone in your place, eating half-warm Lean Cuisine and watching marathons of Extreme Hoarders: Animal Edition on Netflix. You do all this while you continuously wait for the right one to come along and acknowledge your good girl ways. Around the sixth episode of watching animal control workers in Hazmat suits pull the umpteenth mange-having, one-eyed cat from some old lady’s ceiling, you begin to shake your head at the prospects of your life and ponder to yourself why being oh so nice and all the respectfulness has yet to pay off. Do men like just like mean girls more?
I haven’t read the full book, so I won’t co-sign it in its entirety, but this excerpt from Why Men Marry B***hes, which appeared on the “Today” show’s website, speaks to one of the reasons why I think this happens. According to Sherry Argov, the author of the book, while the so-called sage wisdom, usually given by well-meaning friends, family, clergy, and yes, magazine advice columnists, might instruct women to act like Cheshire Cat-smiling servant for men, the reality is that men are into women who have no fear in being themselves and more importantly, demanding whatever it is they want out of life. As for all the eager to please ladyfolk, they end up coming off as desperate. Argov writes:
“It’s human nature. Telling a woman to work harder to please is like telling a little kid to walk up to a schoolyard bully on the first day of school and say, “Here, take my lunch money. And you can have my cupcakes too. I’ll even throw in my lunchbox since you don’t have one.” Or, in a dating situation, “Here, take my body. And I made you a cake. Please be nice. Please marry me. I’ll even jack my butt up nice and high like they do in yoga. It’s so comfortable being upside down. Really. I just love it!”Just because a man sleeps with you doesn’t mean he’s thinking about the future. For him to think about forever, there has to be something he respects within you. Like a strong wit … and a strong mind.
In short, confidence. And it takes confidence to be a woman like Lozada. Folks tend to get it twisted and instantly think every woman who is obnoxious, demanding or uncaring about the general public’s perception of them are all grappling with low self-esteem. In some respects this is true, however, in some other instances, those women just tend to think very highly of themselves. And as with anyone who holds themselves to a certain regard, some b***hy mean girls are more likely to brim with the type of self-assurance needed to whitewash whatever character flaws they might have into something more interesting and alluring.
Now, I don’t say this as a way of leading all you good girls astray into believing that you must start hopping over tables and snatching folks up, a la Lozada, to snag a man. But rather, I say all this to cosign something that we always suspected to be true: h**s and witches stay winning. And they stay winning because they act like winners. Why shouldn’t they? Men, who it seems never have to grapple with worrying if their behaviors make them dateable, have been overselling their value for years…