Late last week, I found myself with the day off and ended up watching an episode of The View. One of the hot topics Barbara Walters discussed was a study that found women feel guilty about having casual sex than men. I don’t think that surprises anyone, but it took me back to a conversation I had with a male friend who questioned why women who know they’re just a cut buddy or a friend with benefits always wants to “cuddle” after sex.
Now he wasn’t simply saying that after sex men are sleepy and that’s the reason they don’t want to cuddle. He wasn’t suggesting that it’s too hot and he doesn’t want you all up on him laying across his chest either. It sounded more like sometimes they just want you to leave. It’s nothing personal, just a “man thing.”
The thing is, it could be that he’s just not that into you. Now I know that sounds odd considering he just got done blowing your back out (hopefully). But more often than not, men can easily separate sex from emotion. As a matter of fact, he may purposely not cuddle with you as not to give you any wrong ideas. Just like men release prolactin after sex, whose purpose is to induce rest in a man for the recovery period, women release oxytocin which is a “feel good” chemical that makes women want to bond. It gives us the “intimacy” response most men shy away from. We want to hold men close and gaze into their eyes while men try to figure out how to get rid of us, or how long they should hold us before it’s “okay” to roll over.
For a lot of women, we want to cuddle so that we don’t feel like we just got laid – eNo Cuddling…No Strings Attached?ven if we did. It’s our way of justifying being with a man who we know just wanted to hit it. Like the study results on The View suggests, sex for sex’s sake makes some women feel guilty; so, we tell ourselves that if he cuddles with us, he must really like us. And some men oblige us because they want us to feel okay about what just happened.
Instead of curling up under him trying to engage in pillow talk, let him drift off and catch some ZZZ’s yourself. No need to take it personal because you knew exactly what it was before you jumped into the act. It’s okay to have sex for the sake of the act itself, and it’s ridiculous for women to believe that separating sex and intimacy is inherently degrading. It doesn’t mean he objectified you. And come on girl, you know you just needed him to take the edge off anyway, no need to try to cuddle to justify it.
It’s just as ridiculous for men to claim that a woman’s need for intimate connection during and after sex is some type of burdensome neediness or that she wants to have your baby. Drawing battle lines after what was hopefully a great experience is silly and usually only serves neurotic purposes.
No cuddling after sex? So what. Just let it go…and rest up for round two (or three…or 10).
