Should A Man Love A Woman More In A Relationship?

53 comments
November 22, 2013 ‐ By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

I was able to catch “The Best Man: Holiday” on opening night with my homegirl. Upon leaving the theater she said something that struck me. Without giving anything away, she was amazed at how a man could love a woman so strongly. She was so amazed that she told me that she thinks a man should love a woman more than a woman should love a man.

To be frank, I think we’ve all heard this before. I know that I have, and I also realized that I never paid it much attention. It was at this moment where I simply thought “no.” This couldn’t possibly be right. Let me tell you why.

I told my friend that I think her philosophy is only shaped by her past experiences.

None of us are strangers to relationships in which we may have given more than the other person. To ever say that one person should love one more than the other only speaks to a paranoia we have. In a relationship, we have a paranoia of not wanting to experience that hurt again. In that mindset, we formulate defensive schemes like this. Either we think of it ourselves, or our elders lend their two cents on the issue. Regardless of the source, this idea comes from a place where maybe too much thinking is going on. Sometimes it does pay to experience new relationships in the moment. Give new experiences a fair chance. It’s the only way to remain fair to your partner.

I told my homegirl that if she asked a happily married couple who loved who more, they wouldn’t have an answer. I know what it is to be in love. At no time while being in love did I have a chance to think if I loved my lady more than she loved me. It was irrelevant. I simply knew I loved and that I loved as hard as I knew how to. For a woman to say that a man should love her more says to me that she’s pulling back.

If you’re pulling back and are still waiting for someone to show more love than you do, it isn’t fair.

Your whole relationship is no longer balanced. I’m no expert, but I don’t think that this philosophy will solve your issue either. You could argue that you’re being just as unfair as the person who may have hurt you in the past.

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  • Fia

    It is not like. U have to test your partner before loving him/her. It is simple you only get what you give. If you demand much more than you do for your spouse then you are always get hurt in the end and blame that person for sin that you did it. Its not only man responsiblity to keep relation healthy. it is same for woman to keep her man the way she wanted to be kept by him. Love is not identified by any test or race. It is feeling that is expressed by the actions more than by words. woman to keep her man the way she wanted to be kept by him. Love is not identified by any test or race. It is feeling that is expressed by the actions more than by words.

  • Mateo Nicholas

    A woman doesn’t start to appreciate a nice, loving caring brotha until she in her thirties…. unfortunately by then she got kids and a bad attitude. I’m 22 and all the sistas I know f**k with trap niggaz and unfaithful player niggaz…it sucks too bc Ion even like white girls and shyt.

  • chanela

    Is there some type of measurement? how would you know who loves who more?

    • Oh so true

      If you have ever been in this situation you will know when a man loves you more, he will do all the things women wish men would and then some. You can turn him on with a brush of your hand. He will tell you he loves you kiss you then tell you he loves you again, he will put absolutely no one above you, he will not even look at other women and when you tell him your concerns he will not only listen but try to fix it, his biggest fear is loosing you and he wants to be around you all the time. This is the kind of guy you marry and not let the next woman scoop up. Guys call him a simp some girls call him a wimp I call him perfect. What you do with a man like that fawk, succ him often, feed him well and support his dreams and you will live happily ever after.

  • more

    mOST Women are to damn emotional. Yes a man should love you more,because unlike women can separate feelings from sex

    • Guest

      Women are not “too” emotional, they are sufficiently so for the various roles they have to play. It’s the emotional aspect of women that makes them better empathizers and nurturers in general, it’s what makes women look beyond themselves and keep giving/ doing for others sometimes to her own detriment. It is exactly why her man should love her more. When he does their efforts will be equal, he will not allow her to lose herself and actually be involved in maintaining the relationship whereas most men expect women to “maintain”.

      • more

        what u just said sounds GREAT in writing, but trying to find someone who deserves those qualities is the main reason this was written. To many women are loving and nurturing to men who clearly could care less, look at baller wives. The average women gets cheated on constantly.

  • OaklandOxymoron

    Why does love have to me measured? And what does “loving a person more than the other” equate to?

  • Loves me some Him

    yes. A man can love her more than she can ever expect so and it will make her the most compliant and happy woman alive

  • Asky Askerson

    How about just trying to love each other without measuring it or competing over it? I love my boyfriend and my boyfriend loves me – why does it need to be any deeper than that? It wouldn’t make sense anyway since the concept of love varies from person to person. Guaranteed, you don’t love in the same way that your parents love, or the same way that your significant other loves.

  • Guest

    My grandmother told me the same thing, “Find somebody who loves you more than you love them.”

    • Nene

      I agree, a man is suppose to love his wife as he loves himself. If a man loves his wife more than himself then he would not hurt her as fast as he would if he didn’t love her more than he love himself.

  • Lia

    Yes. Men bring their own perspective to love and marriage and while women tend to abide and honor, of the successful marriages I’ve seen the men adore and are thrilled by their wives in a way that compels them to do their best to bring their A game to the marriage everyday. Seriously being their best in a relationship is work for men. Work for all but men will make the effort for a woman they love. Whatever your love is as a woman look for a man who loves you a little more just a little because he shapes the love in your relationship and you never want to give what you are not receiving. Willing giving just a little more than your wife creates security and is a silent sign of commitment. Build the house and she will keep the fire going that makes it a home.

    • Blackhawk

      i see why it so many divorces these days.. women don’t want men.. ya’ll want a simp

      • leilani

        Umm this isn’t something new…For decades it’s how women did it. It’s the other way around now which is why men do what they do.

      • Pat

        Nahhhh – that would be taking YOU on Blackhawk. Too much stupid just ain’t good.

      • Tell It

        The problem is YOU are not the girl in the relationship, YOU are the boy. When MEN stop wanting to be the WOMEN in the relationship and stop comparing themselves to the woman in a relationship and just BE THE MAN, black marriages will thrive again in this country.
        Now, I don’t have time to teach you about this, dear, because if you weren’t raised around certain values, you’re just not going to understand them, POINT BLANK PERIOD. I don’t waste time trying to change the minds of folks I have nothing in common with but just the color of my skin.
        I will say this: remember that OUR people risked life and limb to marry when we were denied the right to do it (and learn to read and gain the right to vote, I might add). Whatever “they” didn’t want us to do as slaves should be the 1st thing we always strive to do as free men and women, especially in this day and age.
        Peace.

  • bloop

    Black journailism: I was able to catch Best Man Holiday with my “homegirl”? This is why we can’t have nice things.

    • QuestionsBeforeActions

      This is a blog, that’s different from journalism and this isn’t a news site.

  • jdmann

    Lol…the minute you let a woman know how much you love her she will lose interest. Keep her working…

    • Jonesie

      I’m a woman. 23. I find that after a certain amount of time, if a man doesn’t let me know how he feels, I lost interest and walk away. There was a man I met. He was nice and we saw each other a lot. I would stop by the store he worked. He never elevated the relationship and one year later he came to me to tell me that he missed and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I told him it was too late. The point is, that with a lot, not just some, a lot of women WANT to know that a man actually loves her. If a man plays hard to get I am just going to take it that he doesn’t really like me and I’ll slowly cut him off.

      • Oh so true

        This comment is so spot on but it really depends on the woman. I have cut off many dudes for this mess and not slowly but cold turkey. It signifies to me that a man is unsure or is playing games. Either way if a certain amount of time has passed any you can’t vocalize how you feel about me or what level we’re on I’m gonna bounce. The guy I’m with now would be considered a simp by many guys but he does not care. He loves me and always puts me first and I reciprocate. When his friends and family call him whipped he laughs it off and says if you had what I have you would be whipped too. BLAWW! No guessing games just realness.

    • Ayo

      What you said is true about many woman and it is a shame

  • kiki j

    I used to feel that way. But then I realized people (women) really only say that because they don’t feel respected and appreciate in the relationship. That’s not about who loves who more, it’s about self-worth which Unfortanately is something many women lack. When you know your self-worth you don’t have to play that game. My spouse and I love each other to the max because we are completely committed to each other. But what I will say is that we love each other differently. So it’s not a measuring cup love It’s just different ways of expressing it.

  • Courtney Banks

    Seems narcissistic to me.

  • Machone

    Whoever loves the less has the power……

  • da truth

    I believe both partners should love each other equally .

  • Tell It

    Both of my grandmothers, 13 aunts and my Momma told me the same thing “He should love you a little bit more than you do him.” What do we all have in common? We’re all MARRIED…

    • Blackhawk

      all married to simps

      • leilani

        Well, in that case I’ll take the wimps any day…Grandmother told us the same mom and my aunt’s as well. Grandma was married 56 yrs and my mom 31. You probably weren’t even raised in a two parent home so I’ll take what has worked with proofs any day…

      • Pat

        You sound STUPID! I have almost 20 years to a man who is FARRRRR from a simp, but trust me, he also GOT me in the loving department – He knows I love him, and we have each other – he just loves a little harder and that’s what makes me DEVOTED to him! Leilani – he stupid – your fam is RIGHT! A little more from him makes it last forever, bc he’s less apt to be a dog like Blackhawk obviously has been.

      • Tell It

        Not really, hater…either that or you come from a family of illegitimate children and broken homes. My aunts, grandfathers and Dad range from retired longshoremen to lawyers, doctors, plumbers, electricians, principals and electricians. These men come from families with generations of marriage, themselves….THAT my friend, should be a telling sign to any woman who wants a husband: check the marriage history in HIS family, as well. BOOM!

  • JustAshley

    You know what? My sister said something like this after her divorce.

    *
    She asked me one day, “You ever notice how the bible talks about a woman being a good wife and remaining faithful and dedicated, but did you ever notice that God emphasizes how much a man is to love, protect and provide for his wife?”
    *
    I almost choked when she said it. I had to find a bible and search for some verse that said the wife was commanded to love her husband, but I could not find that specific command. While the wife is commanded to respect her husband, the bible specifically commands the husband to “love his wife as Christ loved the church”. Christ laid down his life for the church.

    *
    From this train of thought, it seems that even if a woman does not love her husband, she is commanded to be dedicated an faithful- while her husband is commanded to love her so much that he’d be willing to protect her with his life if necessary.
    *
    So yeah, I think a man is supposed to love his wife more than she loves him.

    • Angie Martinez

      That makes sense. Think about how much a man has to love his wife NOT to cheat or do her wrong. Thats the balance- the husband should love the wife and the wife should respect/be loyal to her husband.

    • Miss Sisie

      that’s some really deep insight right there….

  • HomeBoy

    Only a narcissist would want their partner to love them more.

    • dingo_egret

      Totally agree. Relationships are 50/50. Much like a man would take a woman for granted if she loved him more, the same way a woman can take a man for granted. This leads to resentment and a number of insecurities. Whether the relationship be marriage or casual dating there needs to be a mutual respect and both people need to feel like they are being appreciated.

      I hate posts like this because the connotation around this is that men have disposable feelings. Just like women, men have a need to feel loved and appreciated equally.

      If a women chooses to be with someone who disrespects her, then she needs to set a better set of standards around who she dates.

      Sorry ladies, but you can’t have the bad boy and the nice guy at the same time. Leave childish things in the past and if you want to be with a man.

      • yup

        No relationships are 100/100. Like the poster said above, when a man worships his woman, if she’s a good woman she’ll respond positively in a devoted/loving way.

        • dingo_egret

          And it’s this thinking why the divorce rate is so high.

          My folks have been married for over 35 years and they never went into marriage with this type of thinking.

          Our generation is so narcissistic and want everyone to love them and fawn over them. Hence Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. No true relationship can be build this way.

  • FromUR2UB

    When a man is crazier about the woman more than she is him, he just behaves better for her. If she’s a good woman, she responds to that, and it works out for both of them. I’m not talking about a situation like that guy in Australia who was used by the woman to the tune of $200,000; I mean a relationship where there is mutual love and respect, but the man is motivated to step outside of who he normally is, to bring joy and pleasure to that woman’s life. A woman who’s feeling a guy more than he is her, always seems to be operating from a place of lack. Things just don’t line up the way they should. She never gets to a secure place with him. She’s always working to earn his love, knowing that her best may not be good enough.

    • DoinMe

      Co-sign on all of that! So true.

    • stewwie

      You are right in a small sense but what you don’t understand is that lack and insecure is what keep her in line and interested in that man. That is why women love bad boys. If a man shows great interest in her than she does in him, she very quickly loses interest in him. Not to mention, women shyt test men all the time to see where a the mans boundary are and when the man lets her get away with to much BS, she start to resent him. That is when she start looking around…..

      • Ayo

        A man that truly loves a woman will let her get away with much more thing that he will normally allow. When women Sh&t a man, and then that looking around because she feels she got away with too much sh$t, what she is really doing is walking away from true love and all she will find out there will be less love, now she will be searching forever for something she let go

        • stewwie

          True !! women don’t realize that until they have being Thoroughly used, abused and are worn out damaged goods.

          But they have the audacity to get mad at men in general when “captain save a ho” doesn’t show up at the end….lol.
          They never engage in introspection and analyze their own action.

      • JustSaying_IMFO

        If a woman feels a need to “shyt test” a man. And/or a man feels a need to keep a woman in check so she doesn’t get away with “too much BS”, then those are men and woman who need to stay single and get their own heads right. Because they’ll never be in a functional, loving relationship. They’re too insecure to be a respectful/respected partner.

        • stewwie

          That will be the overwhelming majority of the people…

          Let me guess you are above the rest….lol

          • JustSaying_IMFO

            There are plenty of people who don’t put up with that bullshytt. It usually comes with maturity.

            If the only people you meet are those who “shyt test” or push boundaries, you need to take a good look at yourself. Since you are the common denominator.

            • stewwie

              Typical BS deflection and ad hominem shaming tactic……

              Try again little girl, this time with out you emotional brain….lol

              • JustSaying_IMFO

                “Little girl”? “Emotional brain”? I’m not your woman so don’t attempt to keep me in check.

                Thanks for proving my point, stewwie.

                • stewwie

                  So, you can dish it out but you can’t take it…is that it. If you didn’t want we to make it personal them you should have never made it personal.

                  Now go take a sit on the corner….lol

    • Makieba S Thomas

      Very well put!!!!!!

    • applesauce585

      Well said!!!!!!