Ask A Very Smart Brotha: My Husband Does Not Like My Natural Hair…

24 comments
October 30, 2013 ‐ By Madame Noire

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Maggie: What do you do when your dude and you are always fighting for stuff that happened in the past?

DY: Find out what the root issues are, and deal with them. If that doesn’t work, learn to let it go. And, if that doesn’t work, learn to let each other go.

Davina: I recently started seeing a guy who on paper seems perfect. However he is very rigid in his thinking and actions and he recently revealed in conversation that his father was extremely strict and abusive (verbally and physically). I suggested therapy but he is totally against that. My question is should I try and stick it out and see if I can get him to loosen up a bit or just except this is how he is and make a decision whether or not I can deal?

DY: If he’s already showing signs that he’s emotionally damaged and refuses to seek help, the answer is pretty clear. Again, if he agrees to get help, then that’s great for you both. But if not, you don’t need to stick around

Emma: I recently got back on the dating scene after a 14 year marriage and about 5 years working on myself. I have taken the advice of several reputable sources (Paul Paul Carrick Brunson, Shanel Cooper-Sykes, etc.) and really put myself out there. One thing that seems to be constant in my communication with potential partners is their OBSESSION with sex. Some of my first conversations have delved into favorite position, how long has it been and even butt/oral questions. Am I being a prude (a sign of the times) or am I justified when I run fast and far??

DY: It sounds like you may need to meet a new pool of men. If you don’t mind me asking, where are you meeting all of these middle-aged freakazoids?

Arhovist: My ex husband and I still have a close relationship, we have no kids Just a friendship. When dating, should I tell about this. Even if there is no hope of us getting back together?

DY: Maybe not on the first date, but if you think things may start to get more serious, you need to tell the new guy about that.

Naoka: what if you had a divorce? but you still love your ex husband….although you did feel as if he took you for granted……do you remarry or move forward…..no relationship is perfect…..everyone will have some type of issues,….go back or move forward

DY: Move forward. You got divorced for a reason, and after time that love you think you still have will eventually fade, and you’ll be glad you didn’t decide to get back together.

Syndie: I dated a guy back in high school 20 yrs ago. After we broke up back then, we never saw or spoke to one another. One day last year, we ran into each other and we exchanged numbers to catch up. After about a month of regular convo he starts asking for things. First it was a cell phone then he asked about my credit because he wanted a car. Of course I did not comply with his requests and he says it’s because I’m scarred. I was married for eleven years to an unfaithful man who eventually abandoned me and our daughter. Am I scarred or is he crazy?!?!!

DY: You sure this dude isn’t the person behind all of those Nigerian email scams? Seriously, you need to run, not walk, away.

Sarah: My husband and I had an argument over my hair. I went natural over a year ago and he has admitted that he doesn’t care for it. Last week I wanted to try something different so I tapered my hair. He was so upset, stating that I should have asked him first and that he dislikes short hair because it doesn’t flatter me. Was I wrong not to consult him first?

DY: This is always a tricky question. On one hand, it’s your hair and your body. But, on the other hand, people in serious relationships should be sensitive to each other’s wants.

In this instance, I actually think you’re both wrong. You were wrong not to at least mention something to him before you did it, and he was wrong to react the way he did.

More than anything, it feels like you two have some communication issues that need worked out. The hair is a symptom of a bigger issue.

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  • Marina Calis

    Mental illness with black men is rampant! A man who would choose not to like a woman’s natural hair is brainwashed by the media.Black men have been brainwashed into thinking that a woman needs a head full of weave,fake nails,gucci clothes and should look like a model from a magazine in order for him to love her.This mentality is dangerous and it degrades the black woman.I feel sorry for black men because 70-80% suffer from mental illness.An african would never degrade a woman over hair.

    • Dee

      Agreed. It is what this country has done to both AA women and men. I got plenty of attention when I wore long weaves. But when I had my hair short, more white men admired me. I think is pre-conditioned for Black men and hair. I think a woman should wear whatever they want to wear– regardless of the preference of a man. If a man loves you, he’ll want you to be happy first.

      • Marina Calis

        I totally agree with you about wearing your natural hair and the attention from white men.Black men are pre conditioned to love long,white inspired hair…as well as the entire look of a white woman.This has to cease in order for black women to gain respect and true love from a man of color.The only men who degrade their women over hair is black men.No other race does this except black African american men.This leads me to believe the infatuation is caused by mental illness.

  • Tonyoardee

    If you cant like natural hair you probably dont like black women, it grows from their head that way

  • DCgirlnMD

    Is it just me or does her husband seem very superficial?? It’s just HAIR!!! I can see if she wasnt doing her wifely duties, taking care of home or taking care of the kids,but he is insensitive and a jackass to create a huge issue over his wife’s hair decisions. Because it is ultimately HER decision. Dont get it twisted. This is not the 1950 and women are not beholden to men’s desires and wishes like back then. She is an individual and he has problems and apparently anger issues. Love is suppose to be unconditional, so Im totally confused and alil taken aback by the fact that some of yall agreeing with his bad behavior towards his wife. Damon is right, they have bigger issues than hair and communication in this relatonship. The husband sounds like a prospective cheater and a for sure douchbag!!

    • guest

      If your husband wanted to get a tattoo, a piercing, or a jerry curl, you’d automatically be ok with that? he should just do it with out consulting you??? it has nothing to do with dominance and everything to do with being considerate of your partners wants and feelings. Agreed they do need to work on communication though.

  • Bren

    Regarding the hair when you get married it’s no longer about you.

  • blackizbeautiful

    black men like long straight hair and they don’t care where it comes from …Indian hair donated as part of a religious ritual? Check! Fake fiberglass hair made in China? Check! (never mind that rash on you neck and shoulders it will fade). Yak hair from vermin ridden cattle? Check! Brazilian hair robbed from some girl who was just waiting for the bus one day with her long hair in a ponytail? Check! Double Check!

    • Love

      Unfortunately I agree. Plenty black men checking for me when I have a weave. More other races with natural hair or braids.

      Funny that white guys like Patra braids.

  • MsLadyE

    The hair is not the issue. The issue is that she didn’t communicate with her husband before she cut her hair. He got upset because she didn’t mention it to him beforehand.

    • Taryn Bryant

      I’m afraid the result would be the same.

      • Laine

        Right, Because even is she had told him, he still would not have liked her natural hair.

      • Love

        It would be the same but prolonged because he would be against it. I encouraged a friend to go natural, she kept telling me her boyfriend doesn’t like natural hair. But she had been with him already for 5 years and had been wanting to go natural for like the whole time!!

    • Keland

      Why would a woman even need to communicate with her husband that she is going to cut her hair?

  • Alex

    When Black men confess that they don’t like the “natural look”, I always wonder if the statement they’re making is really their personal opinion or if its something they’ve been taught over the years. Today’s society has a very narrow view on what’s considered beautiful so it comes as no surprise when people reject the “unfamiliar”. Granted, there may be some men out there who just don’t like natural hair but I believe the vast majority have been taught by the media and others that in order for a woman to be beautiful, she must have long silky hair. It is my personal opinion that we as individuals should be able to present ourselves to the world as WE see fit. Love, real love, is deeper than one’s physical appearance. If you loved me enough to say “Til death do us part”, then my changing my appearance shouldn’t make you love me any less.

    • Taryn Bryant

      Well said.

    • Laine

      Exactly! And why would anyone be against his wife going natural when that’s the healthier and sometimes also the cheaper choice. Not wanting her to go natural because of appearances is just shallow then. And what about her other (more important) attributes like mind , intellect, moral values? The husband is complaining about her hair texture? What a jerk.

  • GirlSixx

    You are absolutely right about..yes it her body and her hair BUT in a marriage even a long term relationship making drastic changes to your appearance should definitely be discussed over with your partner because men are visual creatures and when he fell for you initially it was because he liked the way you looked, and most men love them some hair.!!!!

    SN: I hate to say it but not everybody can rock the natural and look good, HELL i don’t think even Halle would look all glamourous and snatched with a natural fro or something of that nature. Going natural (no chemicals) is one thing but doing the BIG CHOP is a whole nother beast. #JustSayin

    • infamousblaqqt

      omg I had this convo yesterday. You are absolutely right and I agree with the answer he gave.

    • Taryn Bryant

      Sometimes a person just doesn’t have a choice in cutting off their hair. If it is damaged beyond repair, there’s not much one can do. If he can’t support that, that’s on him. A real man would be supportive. No woman should be afraid of trying something new because of what her husband thinks. My husband doesn’t want me to chop my hair either. Ironically, I’ve cut it before and he didn’t say a word. It always grows back.

    • Laine

      I’m sorry, why wouldn’t Hally or someone else look all glamorous with a natural fro “of that nature”? All hair can be glamorous, from very straight, to very kinky, or very short to very long.

    • Keland

      So a woman should just throw out the window her own feelings and wants because ‘men are visual creatures’ (as if women aren’t visual) and ‘love them some hair’?

    • Love

      I don’t agree with your take on “everyone can’t rock natural hair”. Blacks are the only people that tell their women, don’t wear your hair in the texture it grows out your head, that doesn’t fit you well.

No thanks