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Dear Damon,

Me & this guy met right in the middle of our respective divorces. What was supposed to be a two week rebound for me turned into 4 months–we came to genuinely care for one another. I broke if off gently, saying we should give one another some time to heal. I go to therapy, he goes straight to the next girl (and therapy). However, we “hang out” regularly, and of this his gf is aware. I doubt she knows it’s every weekend. She definitely doesn’t know I sleep over (just sleep for now).

Months pass and for some reason, the chemistry’s still there. The old me woulda cut this off as soon as I heard about the new chick, but since I’d gotten so close to the family, I felt that would be wrong of me. Besides, his parents, brothers, and friends love me and I came to love them too-they were super supportive through my divorce since my parents couldn’t be.

More months pass and he’s still seeing the same girl, but the chemistry between us remains. I try to avoid him as much as I can. Now it’s been a year since he and I stopped dating each other. I’m still not dating by choice. he’s still dating homegirl, still calling me twice a week, and we’re hanging out almost every weekend. I’ve since moved outta state but like an idiot started sleeping with him right before I left. He still calls me twice a week without fail. I’ve been lying to get outta taking his calls for a couple weeks now.

I’ve finally accepted he has no plans to do any self-reflection any time soon, and I want out of whatever kind of relationship this is (side chick? Ex? whatever) and I thought putting a couple states between us would do it. Talking to him just causes me a lot of anxiety, but I still talk to his parents regularly. How do I gently convince this guy to leave me in peace, hopefully without alienating the fam? Or has this ship simply sailed?

– Bad with Breaking It Off

Dear Bad With Breaking It Off,

Every once in a while, I’ll get a question or letter than turns “gendered” behavior on its head. And, while I know there are other women out there who are also trying to get rid of guys they slept with without causing too big of a stink, men seem to be more likely to have this type of “problem.” That in mind, I’ll give you the same advice I’d give a man.
I find it interesting that you’re having this change of heart right after your started sleeping with him again. Since you’re aware that he’s going through a divorce as well, I’m not so certain you “genuinely care” about him if you’re yo-yoing him around. To me, it sounds like you needed a safety net/rebound with a private part attached. And, once you didn’t need him anymore, it was time to cut things off. But, you still want to keep in touch with his family, because, well, they’re still useful to you.
Sounds like you are the one who needs to do the most self-reflection. My advice to you? Distance yourself from everybody—him, his family, his pets, etc—and take some time to decide if you want to be a useful person in healthy relationships or a user.
Sincerely,
Damon Young
Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.
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