WE Put A Ring On It: Would You Be Willing To Help Pay For Your Engagement Ring?

56 comments
October 3, 2013 ‐ By
Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

Last week, we were introduced to the New York Post’s Senior Reporter, Stephanie Smith, who made a deal with her boyfriend to make 300 sandwiches in order to receive an engagement ring from him. What seemed to be an inside joke and fun challenge between partners, the public deemed as a desperate attempt to be a Mrs., and went as far as to call her boyfriend Eric Shulte, chauvinistic.

Well,  American society better get used to the changes romantic relationships are enduring these days. New York Magazine reports via The Knot’s Facebook page that more heterosexual couples are splitting the cost of an engagement ring.  The Knot’s survey stated that the women who have helped out on paying for the ring either paid the deposit on it, or paid for half of its total cost. Women who have done so stated their partner was less financially stable than them, or made less.

The Today Show asked their online viewers how they felt about this topic. Those who were traditionalists (56%) stated that struggling finances were not a good enough reason for a woman to pay for her own engagement ring.  Although this modern twist on engagements is being frowned upon, there are a growing number of American women who are the breadwinners in their relationships and don’t mind helping out.

Personally, I don’t think it’s a problem for women to pay for half of their engagement ring–if they want to. Also, if you are precise like me about every detail in your life, you might want to have a say in what ring you would like to wear for the rest of your life (hopefully…) and/or how it should be designed. Though some say your partner should know your style like the back of his hand, he might choose something that does not fit your style. I believe women who do offer to help pay for their own engagement ring are making a statement. They are sure about their relationship, and sure about the man they are committing to. Women who do not pay for their engagement ring can still be sure and confident about the person they’re marrying, but there is a difference when your own finances are involved in building a relationship with someone for a lifetime. Also, I imagine going dutch on an engagement ring will prepare couples for working together to secure other finances and things in their relationship, including purchasing their first home together, figuring out which bills will be paid by who, and what parenting styles will work best for their children.

Ladies, would you help pay for your engagement ring? Men, would you allow your  future wife to pay, regardless of your financial standing?

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  • Momabear

    Hell to the no, not if he is the one proposing. Are you both splitting the cost for the wedding? Something doesn’t sound right. Either it’s way too soon or he’s just comfortable playing house with you. Take at least 2-3 years to learn about the person you are thinking about spending the next 30-50 years with. That’s enough time for him to brown bag it and save enough to buy you the ring you want (not a condo). If he hasn’t saved enough to cover the cost before he proposes then you haven’t been part of his long term plan. The bride is lucky to get away with just paying $15,000 for a wedding so he’s getting a bargain if he’s dropping half of that on a ring. Add if the cost of an engagement ring is big issue just wait until a baby comes into the picture ($10,000+/ yr) and you start looking at him sideways when you can’t afford to catch the shoe sale at your favorite department store. Pump your brakes ladies and really enjoy being single because the honeymoon is too short and MARRIAGE IS WORK!!!!!

  • D.D

    NO because it is a gift why are you going to ask me to pay for half of a gift you are giving me. I am not going to go out and be like hey I want to get you this thing but I can not pay for it and I don’t want to save so help me pay for it. That is a mess. I see it as a gift you are giving me. We will be sharing everything in life pretty much if you can not get me a gift with your own money ever once in a while well maybe marriage is not for us. I can spend my money on a gift or surprise for you that I saved for why can you not do the same. Soon he will be like son I need 100 dollars for your Christmas present. Come on people.

  • Lilly

    Pick the style that you like then he can get that style or variation in his budget. Get married then when he starts making better money upgrade. Simple and easy.

  • Jay

    How about women just stfu about the situation, since clearly the majority of them have no interest in financing the costs of an engagement, or just abt anything else without nonstop complaining abt how they shouldnt have to; Good God, what do you want. Independence and equality, or shiny diamond ring. With me you damn sure aint gettin both. I gotta pay for everything just for you to turn around and throw all that independent, dont-need-no-man bullshit at me.

    • Lilly

      You sound single, broke and bitter. Why are you here Mr. Jay?

  • smartypants25

    What the hell?? NOOOOOOOO!!!! If he can’t afford the ring, you have two options. 1. get married without one. You don’t need a ring to be married. 2. Wait until he can afford one. The engagement ring is a gift to the woman as a sign of his intentions. Why the f*ck would she pay half for her gift?

    Also if he is irresponsible enough to pay for a ring he can’t afford just for bragging rights, what will he do when he has to choose between making the mortgage and buying a big screen tv for a fight party? Priorities people!! Get some.

  • 2ndChance

    Well I’m not a traditionalist. I don’t mind paying for some of my ring. I’m very very picky about certain things, jewelry being one of them. If my FH and I had a conversation (budget etc. etc.) and he took me to the store and said pick it (within reason), then I’d be ok with that, and he could pay for at all by himself. But I don’t like surprises and even though my FH might know my style, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him just going and picking something out for me. I really don’t like things being picked for me, because I don’t want to feel like I have to wear something that I don’t really like. I don’t want to not be able to get something that I do like because he can’t afford it. And as somebody already stated, we’re getting married so why not start sharing expenses. Being an older bride to be, who has done this once before, and is already established in life affords me the ability to do that…go against the grain…lol.

  • dee

    I wouldn’t pay for it but I would compromise and get within a budget that doesn’t put him in the poor house. Honestly Im fine with going to a pawn shop and finding a really nice ring and having it either re-set or re-sized.

  • word

    yes I would? if necessary why not?…any mature woman who see here relationship as a partnership would

  • Just saying!!

    Well I think I understand why someone would ditch the rings, other than finances. It actually stems from a sexist tradition if you think about it. The man proposes to the woman and gives her a ring, signifying that she now belongs to him. But the man doesn’t have a ring, so he belongs to no one. It is kind of messed up if you think about it. So I could see someone choosing to either ditch the rings or wanting both people to have rings…

    • guest

      Actually, the tradition of men giving women engagement rings began as a way to demonstrate that the man would be an adequate provider. The implication being, if he has money to throw away on a ring then he has enough to take care of the woman. To each their own, but I still need that symbolic show that he can take care of me.

  • Sasha

    Ummm no! What don’t women do now days? It’s nothing wrong with letting a man be a man and save up his money to get a ring. Why do men need so much help now days? Women do ENOUGH for their man, but now we need to help buy our own engagement ring too?

  • Christina K

    We can’t have it both ways, ladies. We can’t scream how independent we
    are but lay back expecting a guy to put a pricy engagement ring on our
    finger without 100% guarantee that it will lead to marriage. And yes,
    many times men end up shafted because the engagement fails and the woman
    doesn’t want to return the ring, claiming it as a ‘gift’. Skip the
    engagement rings and buy wedding bands right before the wedding. A woman
    does not need TWO rings and yes, she should pay for her future husband’s wedding band.

    • Ashley

      True we don’t need two. The first ring will do just fine as the engagement and wedding ring. I have already picked his out!!

    • guest

      Engagement rings are conditional gifts so, in the event that the wedding doesn’t take place he is entitled to get it back. If the woman refuses he can always sue.

  • Christina K

    Engagement rings are unnecessary. If a man wants to propose then let him- he shouldn’t be required to have an (possibly) expensive ring on hand when doing so. If he wishes to present a gift at the time, in the event she says yes, that would be nice. And later on she could give him a gift as a token of their engagement. For wedding bands, I believe each should pay for the other’s ring. Simple. This is not difficult.

    • Ashley

      I like that …My boo asked me before I moved where he is now stationed but at the time he did not have a ring. I was/am okay with that. But now that we want to announce to everyone, HE wants to get me a ring and actually start planning. Yes I know that the biggest reason he came out and said that he wanted to marry me right then was because he didn’t want to be stationed so far away from me but still I thought it was sweet and knows that he loves and cares for me so I said yes. Never been happier.

  • Brit

    I can’t… maybe 15 yrs from now when I’m 40 I might….. nah not even then. I feel like the man is supposed to be the person to do that, and if he can’t then he doesn’t need to be in a relationship or getting married. I mean just like you save up for a car, if he really wants to be married let go of them new J’s and gtaV and save up for a ring.

    • Christina K

      I wish I could agree with you but I can’t- we can’t have it both ways, ladies. We can’t scream how independent we are but lay back expecting a guy to put a pricy engagement ring on our finger without 100% guarantee that it will lead to marriage. And yes, many times men end up shafted because the engagement fails and the woman doesn’t want to return the ring, claiming it as a ‘gift’. Skip the engagement rings and buy wedding bands right before the wedding. A woman does not need TWO rings.

      • Brit

        You’re right I don’t need two rings.I don’t even need one. I want them lol. But I’m not saying he has to go broke trying to buy it. I’m sure he can find a nice one for under 1, 500.

  • Ashley

    I want him to buy what he can afford, what he thinks I would like… I like a lot of different styles of rings. The only thing I would like to be true is that it is a Princess cut and under 1200 dollars. I don’t like big ,goddy rings. I am a small lady with small hands and I don’t want major attention on my ring just for someone to try and steal it. Plus I work with small children so Mon-Fri 8am-330pm It will probably be on a necklace around my neck. I have looked at rings and saw some that I loved ,good quality and very pretty for 600-800 dollars and less. My husband to be is military and builds planes so he wont wear a ring but the times he is not on duty , so he is just getting a ring for my purposes pretty much. We are a pretty “traditional role” couple.

    • Christina K

      ‘gaudy’ not ‘goddy’. *shudder*

      • Ashley

        I’m
        sooooo Sorry trying to do three things at once!

  • Sasseynsweet

    I believe he should only buy what he can afford. After all, I am very traditional about the whole thing.

    • Nope

      Since you’re “traditional”, does that include no sex prior to marriage? And your family paying for the wedding?

      • Trisha_B

        Lmaooo tell it!

  • bluekissess

    Buy what you can afford. With that engagement ring money that can be put on a house. Or put it in a rainy day savings. These times are hard. It’s time to play smart with finances

  • IMJSANYUmad

    make that entitled mut buy her own damn ring… if it aint broke why we gettin married… so you got a parachute package when we divorce AND the ring i NEVER wanted to get you…. never been married to quit the “she got you good or something” crap

  • revolutionary

    Ahh…This will be where women get of the bus of the whole “equality” thing, all the sudden they are “traditionalist” because it doesn’t benefit them….lol. Most women want it both ways and only want “equality” when it benefits/suits them. As soon as something else which a woman supposed to do traditionally comes up (like taking here husbands name, cooking and cleaning), they will tell you they believe relationship is 50/50 and tradition need to change.

    Women’s hypocrisy and double standards when it comes to this things know no bounds.

    • Nope

      I don’t think most women really want tradition or equality, at the end of the day most women just want their way.

      • IMJSANYUmad

        tru

  • katie

    No. You give a person an inch they will take a yard. No.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    I would rather he purchase a ring HE can actually afford. The rock can grow as the relationship does. My sis just celebrated her 20th and her husband upgraded her diamond.

    • Dee

      A lot of women say this… until you see the next woman’s ring

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        I don’t just say it I live it. The hubby and I got engaged shortly after graduating college. He wasn’t exactly swimming in the dough he brought a modest ring HE could afford. After our third year of marriage he brought a large diamond wrap to go around the solitary. I love my rings.

        • Dee

          I mean as long as it works for you two!

        • Nope

          My own ring cost $20 on Amazon (but it’s tungsten). I didn’t want one of those outrageously overpriced men’s rings. Plus I lift weights and fight, so I didn’t want something that would tarnish and get scratched up.

          • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

            You and my Hubby sound the same. He got a burnished (?) steel one. I wanted to get him a platinum one for our 5th year and he shrugged and said why and continues to rock the original.

            • IMJSANYUmad

              Lol…he cheats on you and has been for a while… I can let you practice the pepper grinder on me… then maybe he’ll stop….prolly not though

      • Nope

        Yup. And some women have big rings but the rock looks like dried glue because it’s of sh!tty quality. So some people are competing with overpriced junk rings. Not to mention most of a diamond rings value is smoke and mirrors thanks to industry marketing.

      • GoodLuck

        AND if you are looking at another womans ring with ENVY! It’s possible to say that your intentions are wrong. Ring size should not define love. As long as you and your partner know that you both are giving each other 100% that’s all that should matter.

    • PleaseDOBetter

      Spot on. I’m not sure why it is that difficult.

  • Nope

    It’s also “traditional” for the bride’s family to foot the bill for the wedding. But lets see how many so-called “traditionalists” take up that offer.

    • Dee

      I was thinking the SAME THING LMAO. It is also customary for the Groom to offer a dowry for his bridegroom… since we are ALL about tradition all of a sudden. lol It’s 2013… ya’ll are going to be splitting expenses for the rest of your lives, might as well start from jump street

      • Nope

        “ya’ll are going to be splitting expenses for the rest of your lives, might as well start from jump street”

        That is a really great point.

      • Jay

        No, its customary for the brides father to pay for the wedding, a dowry was offered as an incentive. Traditionally, fathers who were members of the business class and aristocracy used marriages as socio-economic networking. So before any woman opens their mouth about how traditionally men pay for everything, next time you bring marriage up with your boyfriend, call your dad up and run his bank account. Have him buy your ring, and give it to your husband to be. Duh.

  • jjac401

    That would be a NO!!!

  • Jan

    nope, i feel like if finances are issue then maybe we should both focus on getting ourselves together before shelling out money for a ring, honeymoon, and a wedding. its funny how women and men go on and on about tradition, but they don’t do anything to uphold. a man proposes marrage so therefore he buys the ring. and if he can’t afford it ,he should be honest about finances and plan to save for it.

    • Nope

      Well, most men basically get pressured to propose. And even then it’s going to take him a little while to save up for that ring, but he’ll still get that pressure almost every single day until he does propose. What a lot of women need to realize is that men don’t have a savings account for a ring when they meet you. Hell, in most cases men aren’t thinking and/or saving for a ring until a woman mentions it, and she’s usually the first one to mention it. And she mentions it after she’s already thought about it for a long time, but is pretty much wanting a ring NOW. I say it all of the time, when it comes to relationships the man is usually playing catch up to what a woman has been thinking about for days, months, weeks, or even years. S

      • Jan

        i under that piece as well, but we have discussed as a couple that we want to married or engaged at whatever point shouldn’t some type of savings begin …what about the savings he already has. Now, i am not 5,000 ring girl… i have actually seen beautiful rings waaaay less than that.

        • Nope

          IMO, the savings he already has doesn’t necessarily count, after all a budget means “planned for spending”. I don’t think it’s fair to set a time table for an engagement (seems little too pretentious to me), but I can understand setting a timetable to be married, of which the engagement is already factored into that. Once that’s been set, I could see the savings for a ring beginning. But that’s just me.

          My wife’s engagement ring probably cost about a third of some of her friends rings, but it’s of higher quality with a better price point (meaning not from a department store…) and I’ve never had payments on it. Also, when it comes to rings I think a lot of women have those Disney cartoon rings in mind.

      • Chey

        Men stay getting “peer pressured…with their grown a**es.”

        • Nope

          lmao! Come on now, you know it’s true with relationships.

      • Sasha

        What a cop out. 1) Pressure. You either want to get married or you don’t. No pressure there. It’s called making a decision. 2) It’s not about having a savings account for a ring. You make a decision that you’re ready to get married. You save up and make a purchase within your financial means. If the woman is the right one she’ll already understand that situation. 3) Damn it ain’t that hard!

        • Dr. Dubya

          You can honestly say that a ring thats within his financial means is enough?

    • KIR12

      Wait about 10 years. If he’s a stable, decent guy with a good job and he’s willing to marry you. You’ll be willing to buy your ring and his. lol

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