Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Do Men Gravitate To Needy Women?

October 2, 2013 ‐ By



Wendee: What would you say are the 3 most important qualities a man looks for in a woman when a man decides he wants to be married.

DY: Depends on the man. But, if I had to do a quick aggregate of men I know (myself included), I’d say that, once you get past prerequisites like physical attraction and compatibility, a sense of compassion, a sense of loyalty, and the ability to laugh and have fun are the three biggest things.


Shannon: Is chivalry dead? Or is that if he’s truly interested he will be chivalrous?

DY: Chivalry definitely isn’t dead. It’s not even on life support. There are tons of chivalrous men out there. And, like you said, those who aren’t will change their tune if they meet someone they like enough.


Salena: If you’ve gotten into a committed relationship (living together, sharing expenses etc.) Marriage has come up in conversation however it doesn’t look like it’ll be happening within the next year or two, should you be discussing the possibility of children? Woman already has 4 from previous marriage.

DY: Personally, that’s not how I’d go about doing things, but if the couple is ok with having children before getting married—and if both parties are ok with putting marriage on the back burner for the time being—why not? That said, if one of the people in the relationship wants to get married sooner rather than later, having children is probably going to add some strain to that relationship.


Courtney: How does a woman who’s ready for marriage talk to get significant others about the seriousness of it without running him away or forcing him to marry?

DY: Tell him how you feel about marriage. If you don’t want to be in a long-term relationship unless marriage is in the future, you have to let him know. Don’t just assume that he’ll be able to read your mind.

And, as far as how he reacts to that, don’t worry about that. It’s out of your control

Mytyia: Yes- why does it seem like men tend to gravitate towards “Needy” women?

DY: Men gravitate towards women they’re attracted to and want to be with. Sometimes these women happen to be needy. Sometimes they happen to be less needy. But, for men who happen to be more drawn to needy women, the answer is obvious. Needy women make them feel needed.


Simone: What does it take for an emotionally walled/closed up man to open up?

DY: Could be any number of things. The right person, the right experience, therapy, etc. But, if this is a person you’re in a relationship with, you need to stress to him that he needs to eventually open up for the relationship to continue. Let him know you’ll be there with him on that journey, but stress that he needs to start on it.

Karla: How would you suggest I politely tell a man I’m not into him because of his weight?

DY: Unless you plan on getting with him if he loses weight, there’s no point in telling him why you’re not into him. Just tell him you just don’t feel a love connection there.


C: What do you do when he’s reluctant to make a commitment to be in a relationship ( keep saying I love you but not ready ? )

DY: Mirror his actions. If he’s not ready for or available to you, don’t be ready for or available to him.


Jakoya: How do you know if a man is truly feeling you?

DY: Does he consistently make time for you? Also, does he make (and keep) plans with you?


Nadiah: Why do men feel the need to play head games? Don’t matter if they’re 25 or 45… They wanna do mind tricks like we’re in Inception.

DY: Grown ups who still act like children do so because they’re able to. Basically, they don’t get enough negative reinforcement, so there’s no reason to stop acting the way they do.


Alicia”wrkincollege’girl”: How do feel about younger women dating older men? I am talking to a man 19 years my senior.

DY: If you’re a working college girl like how your name says, you don’t need to be seeing anyone twice your age.


Imani: We just got back together and he doesn’t do things he usually does. He’s taking his phone with him every where he goes around the house. He works nights and some nights he will come straight back to my house around a certain time and now he says he’s getting off later than what I’m used to. It’s a girl at church that likes him and he doesn’t want me to go with him [to church] anymore. But tells me another excuse on why he wants to go alone. He’s just not being consistent with our relationship.

DY: Ask him. Tell him point blank that you have certain suspicions and why you have them, and let him explain himself.

I know that’s not the most satisfying answer, but besides buying a ninja suit and following him around at night, it’s the best option right now.


Yalonda: I recently connected with a guy from high school thru Facebook. I don’t remember him from school at all. He has several stories about our interaction. None of which I remember. Anyway we have great phone conversations. We met today face to face. And now I think I remember him. He was annoying in H/S and he’s not really my type. Not sure what to do.

DY: Basically, you seem to get along now, but since you weren’t feeling him in high school, it’s affecting how you feel about him now? I mean, if you’re not feeling him, you’re not feeling him. But, you have to make sure you’re looking at him as an adult and not a 16 year old


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  • Marina Calis

    What is wrong with black men? Seriously….NEEDY WOMEN! Come on…why even be with a woman if you do not want her to want you….that’s retarded! If a woman needs to have a job,a life of her own…dada…then this says a lot about the man’s mental status.What is so wrong with women wanting to stay home,take care of her children and husband,volunteer and not work? Blk men mental illness is growing…..anytime….they can’t handle a woman wanting them…Do they hate themselves that much that I can’t stand for someone to love them or need them?

  • MsLadyE

    Very good advice, especially to the lady who just got back with her ex. If I were her, I would give him ONE chance to explain himself. If he doesn’t tell the truth, KEEP IT MOVING.

  • Candacey Doris

    I bet that woman is looking for ninja suits right now.

  • stac

    Great answers, very smart! Sometimes it just helps to hear it from a man.

    I have had similar situations to the women asking the questions.

    To the the girl who just got back together with her ex. It’s not the same the second time around. He is keeping his options open. The church girl that likes your bf thinks he is single or doesn’t care about you. Either way the fact that he is entertaining it indicates he is not ready to fully commit to you. The fact that he is giving other reasons for not wanting you to come to church with him lets you know he wants you to be fully commited to him while he makes up his mind on whether or not he wants to commit to you this time.

    Honestly, I would end it. I have been through that stress and if I could do it again, I would have left 2 years before I did.

    Chivalry is not dead. But there are two kinds of chivalrous men. One is the kind that is always chivalrous no matter what. He will get up for a woman to sit down on a train or bus no matter her age or beauty. The other kind of chivalrous guy with only be chivalrous to women he is trying to impress or that he deems “worth it”. I am used to dealing with the latter so yea, I feel you on thinking chivalry is dead.

    Men liking needy women. Men want to feel needed and like a big strong man that can do things for you when you can’t do them for yourself. I happen to be sort of needy lol, and never thought other women noticed men like this sort of thing in me. But don’t get me wrong, not all men think its endearing and cute. Some men want me to “man up” but I realize those men are not really into me or interested in being friends with me in the true sense.

  • smiles

    Geeeez most of these question are common sense ones. I feel terrible for them all except the lady that ask about why men gravitate towards needy women.

    • he man

      glass houses. you may be strong in this aspect of your life and weaker in others. everyone has flaws. why judge others weak area’s…jus sayin.