Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Why Do Men Gravitate To Needy Women?

October 2, 2013  |  


Wendee: What would you say are the 3 most important qualities a man looks for in a woman when a man decides he wants to be married.

DY: Depends on the man. But, if I had to do a quick aggregate of men I know (myself included), I’d say that, once you get past prerequisites like physical attraction and compatibility, a sense of compassion, a sense of loyalty, and the ability to laugh and have fun are the three biggest things.


Shannon: Is chivalry dead? Or is that if he’s truly interested he will be chivalrous?

DY: Chivalry definitely isn’t dead. It’s not even on life support. There are tons of chivalrous men out there. And, like you said, those who aren’t will change their tune if they meet someone they like enough.


Salena: If you’ve gotten into a committed relationship (living together, sharing expenses etc.) Marriage has come up in conversation however it doesn’t look like it’ll be happening within the next year or two, should you be discussing the possibility of children? Woman already has 4 from previous marriage.

DY: Personally, that’s not how I’d go about doing things, but if the couple is ok with having children before getting married—and if both parties are ok with putting marriage on the back burner for the time being—why not? That said, if one of the people in the relationship wants to get married sooner rather than later, having children is probably going to add some strain to that relationship.


Courtney: How does a woman who’s ready for marriage talk to get significant others about the seriousness of it without running him away or forcing him to marry?

DY: Tell him how you feel about marriage. If you don’t want to be in a long-term relationship unless marriage is in the future, you have to let him know. Don’t just assume that he’ll be able to read your mind.

And, as far as how he reacts to that, don’t worry about that. It’s out of your control

Mytyia: Yes- why does it seem like men tend to gravitate towards “Needy” women?

DY: Men gravitate towards women they’re attracted to and want to be with. Sometimes these women happen to be needy. Sometimes they happen to be less needy. But, for men who happen to be more drawn to needy women, the answer is obvious. Needy women make them feel needed.


Simone: What does it take for an emotionally walled/closed up man to open up?

DY: Could be any number of things. The right person, the right experience, therapy, etc. But, if this is a person you’re in a relationship with, you need to stress to him that he needs to eventually open up for the relationship to continue. Let him know you’ll be there with him on that journey, but stress that he needs to start on it.

Karla: How would you suggest I politely tell a man I’m not into him because of his weight?

DY: Unless you plan on getting with him if he loses weight, there’s no point in telling him why you’re not into him. Just tell him you just don’t feel a love connection there.


C: What do you do when he’s reluctant to make a commitment to be in a relationship ( keep saying I love you but not ready ? )

DY: Mirror his actions. If he’s not ready for or available to you, don’t be ready for or available to him.


Jakoya: How do you know if a man is truly feeling you?

DY: Does he consistently make time for you? Also, does he make (and keep) plans with you?


Nadiah: Why do men feel the need to play head games? Don’t matter if they’re 25 or 45… They wanna do mind tricks like we’re in Inception.

DY: Grown ups who still act like children do so because they’re able to. Basically, they don’t get enough negative reinforcement, so there’s no reason to stop acting the way they do.


Alicia”wrkincollege’girl”: How do feel about younger women dating older men? I am talking to a man 19 years my senior.

DY: If you’re a working college girl like how your name says, you don’t need to be seeing anyone twice your age.


Imani: We just got back together and he doesn’t do things he usually does. He’s taking his phone with him every where he goes around the house. He works nights and some nights he will come straight back to my house around a certain time and now he says he’s getting off later than what I’m used to. It’s a girl at church that likes him and he doesn’t want me to go with him [to church] anymore. But tells me another excuse on why he wants to go alone. He’s just not being consistent with our relationship.

DY: Ask him. Tell him point blank that you have certain suspicions and why you have them, and let him explain himself.

I know that’s not the most satisfying answer, but besides buying a ninja suit and following him around at night, it’s the best option right now.


Yalonda: I recently connected with a guy from high school thru Facebook. I don’t remember him from school at all. He has several stories about our interaction. None of which I remember. Anyway we have great phone conversations. We met today face to face. And now I think I remember him. He was annoying in H/S and he’s not really my type. Not sure what to do.

DY: Basically, you seem to get along now, but since you weren’t feeling him in high school, it’s affecting how you feel about him now? I mean, if you’re not feeling him, you’re not feeling him. But, you have to make sure you’re looking at him as an adult and not a 16 year old


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