7 Things You Think You Want Out Of Love, But Shouldn’t

September 3, 2013  |  
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Maybe after a few fruitless years (or decades) on the dating scene, you sat down and evaluated what you want out of a relationship. Maybe you made a list, and realized half of your requirements were unrealistic, or shallow, or that you could just do without them. But if you’re still finding it hard to keep a relationship, there might be a few more relationship expectations you need to cross off that list.


Someone to talk to about EVERYTHING

You want a point person. You want someone you can text every detail of your day to, and someone to call at the end of every night to vent your stresses to, and someone to call any time you feel like crying, and someone to share your deepest, darkest secrets with.

Some things are better left unsaid, or dispersed

Your partner doesn’t need to know every single thing about you. Even though you think he understands you more than anyone in the world, your partner is still a separate entity—you do not share a brain, or a heart, or an upbringing for that matter. There will be some secrets or details about your life that might freak your partner out, or make him misunderstand you. When you feel that might be the case, go with your gut and just share that secret with a best friend. Don’t push through it with that stubborn, “Well if he loves me he’ll understand!” attitude. Nobody is perfect. Sometimes he won’t understand.

Emotional sex

You look forward to every sexual encounter feeling meaningful. You want to make love: not hook up or have sex or any of the other crass terms for getting it on. You want sex to be a spiritual, emotional experience.

There’s nothing wrong with a quickie

Wanting to feel ten times closer every time you have sex puts a lot of pressure on your sex life! When you’re having sex with someone multiple times a week, it can’t be all harps and rainbows every time. Sometimes your partner will want a quickie. Or a really carnal, rip-your-clothes-off kind of romp. If you hold too high expectations about your sex life, you’ll often feel disappointed and think something is wrong, when everything’s fine.

Belonging to somebody

You like the idea of a man looking at you and saying, “She’s mine.” You want a man who places a protective arm around you everywhere you go, like you’re his trophy. The thought of belonging to somebody feels flattering, and comforting.

Freedom is healthy

If you really want that sort of owner-belonging relationship, then you’re going to mistakenly get angry with a guy who just gives you a healthy amount of space. You’ll think a guy doesn’t love you all because he doesn’t get jealous when you have a friendly conversation with another man. But really, the concept of “belonging” to somebody is so passé. Any guy who still buys into it will be jealous and controlling. Appreciate a man who gives you room to breath and trusts you.

Having someone belong to you

Maybe the opposite is appealing to you: you want a man to belong to you. You want a man who checks in with you before making any plans, and who sticks by your side at parties, and who asks you if it’s okay before he does anything. You want somebody to feel obligated to you.


You’ll quickly get turned off

Be careful what you wish for because a man who checks in with you for permission on his every move will quickly make you feel smothered. It’s too much responsibility to know that another person’s happiness hinges entirely on your decisions! You’ll end up wanting to scream, “Get a mind of your own!”

An extra limb

The idea of never having to search for a plus one again sounds pretty good. And it would be great to skip making a dozen phone calls just to find someone to accompany you to a restaurant you want to try out. You want to be in one of those couples who are always together. You never see one without the other. Seems you’d never be lonely that way.


Those couples drive people crazy

You’ll lose friends fast if you’re going for the attached-at-the-hip relationship. Sometimes when your friends invite you somewhere, they really do just mean you. And if you get too used to having a plus one everywhere, you’ll stop enjoying certain activities that are best enjoyed alone, like nature walks or reading in the park. Or you’ll just hole up in your house if your partner God forbid goes out of town for a week.


A feeling of home

You want to create your own surrogate family through a partner. I’m not talking kids or marriage, but someone who you make Thanksgiving dinner with and live with and grocery shop with. You want a family away from family.

Family should be more permanent

You should resist seeing your partner as family until you’re married. Partners come and go, and you don’t want your sensation of family to come and go. Look for that connection in friends and co-workers. Cultivate that with people with whom your relationship isn’t so fragile. Until you say “I Do” you never know what could happen.


Somebody to feel attractive for

It’s nice to have somebody notice every change you make to your hair, and every outfit you buy, and how toned your arms have become since you started taking Pilates. Having a boyfriend means having someone take note of the subtle changes that happen in your appearance, and to tell you you’re Hot every day.

Feel attractive for yourself!

If you depend too much on the outside world for confirmation of your attractiveness, it could ruin your day when your guy doesn’t notice a haircut. And that will happen. Wear the clothes you love, wear sweat pants on the days you feel like it, and learn to recognize that you’re hot. Otherwise a half-enthusiastic response from your guy when you ask if your butt looks good could have you on a drastic diet in no time.

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