Me and some of the other single young women from my congregation often joke that being raised in the church made us socially awkward— especially when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. Since we were 13 and introduced to concepts like abstinence, sexuality purity, and books like Every Young Woman’s Battle, we’ve been drilled with teachings that we should pattern our romantic relationships after Mary and Joseph (minus the immaculate conception, of course) and in some extreme situations, Adam and Eve. Of course, Adam and Eve had it a lot easier considering that they were the only two humans on the planet.
Pursuit. Courtship. Marriage.
We’re taught that good Christian women wait to be pursued by good Christian men. We’re taught not to date for recreation, but with marriage in mind. Unfortunately, we’re rarely offered a realistic glance at what this actually looks like. I’ve always been a relationship kind of girl, which is in part due to the way that I was raised. But I always found it interesting that while I was being taught about being a potential wife, my younger brother was being coached by our father about why he shouldn’t put all of his eggs in one basket. As a result, dating became somewhat of a stressful process for me. It would start off normal, but I’d eventually find myself subconsciously wondering if the guy I was seeing was my God-sent husband or praying ridiculously (and in an embarrassing manner) hard for things to work out. Or, even worse, being taken advantage of by a noncommittal church boy with vague intentions. The pressures, disappointments and unrealistic expectations that come along with dating as a 20-something-year-old Christian woman in the millennial generation eventually led to emotional exhaustion and my decision to go on a sabbatical when it came to men.
I was in my final weeks of graduate school when it dawned on me— my approach to dating was completely wrong and I was pretty much setting myself up for failure. Fate would have it that within a three-week timespan, I met three handsome young men— all of whom I found interest in. As I lamented over which of three I’d cut off and which one would remain, a very simple question emerged: “Why?” Why would I limit myself and my chances of of meeting the right person by only dating one man at a time? What sense does it make to commit to a person during the pre-commitment phase? We’re not advised to apply to one job at time. We’re advised to explore our options in every other aspect of our lives. Why should dating be any different?
Carson Griffith of Cosmopolitan points out that dating more than one guy during the pre-commitment stages is an emotionally safe way to get to know a man without prematurely investing your heart, energy and time.
“[It’s] about weighting your options instead of driving yourself nuts and obsessing over just one man. Not investing all your time, energy, and emotions into any single man, no matter how much he’s convinced you he’s Mr. Fabulous can have its benefits. You simply don’t have time to fret about how much time he’s fretting about you if you’re simultaneously dating Mr. Semi-Fabulous and Mr. Just-Okay, too.”
Just this once, I decided to bend “the rules.” I decided that I would try something other than the rigid courtship structure being dictated by youth groups. I decided to slightly venture away from the “blueprint” being offered by Christian relationship experts. I decided that with God’s guidance, I’d establish my own personal truths. I chose to give all three guys an opportunity to get to know me in a non-sexual way. I allowed myself to get to know them in a pressure-free, emotionally-safe way. And can I be honest? I’m having a blast. The pressure is off. I’m enjoying getting to know people. I’m fun. I’m relaxed. I’m not sabotaging myself by prematurely setting expectations or becoming emotionally attached to any one guy.
I don’t have any grand success stories to give you as of yet, but what I can say is that I’m successfully getting to know a few really great guys. My emotions aren’t scrambled. My judgement isn’t fogged or clouded with intense feelings, and I can make sound decisions with a clear head. I’ll hold on to my recommendations until I’ve explored this all a little bit more, but from the looks of it, date three (or more) to “find” the one may prove to be a success.
What do you think? Should Christian women consider seeing more than one man at a time before choosing to make a commitment?
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise.
