MadameNoire Featured Video

Perception is reality. If you think all men are dogs, they are. If you believe that they all cheat, then that’s what they’ll do. Most importantly if you think that you’ve been left out of the circle of love and will never find your soul mate, then chances are, you won’t. If if this is your mindset, you’re very similar to the woman I was, until I realized that this type of thinking is toxic. And eventually you become your own worst enemy in relationships.

The older I get, the more serious I become; and the more serious I become the more I realize. Lately I’ve realized a lot about myself when it comes to dating and commitment. Although I’ve had some good times in relationships, I’ve also had some really horrible ones. And through all of those bad moments, I’ve noticed one common denominator: me.

While I refuse to take all the blame for mishaps in relationships, as a maturing woman, I realized that I had to take a look at myself. In some aspects of past relationships, I was completely screwed up. Hey, the first step is admitting you have or had a problem.

So what did I realize that was so detrimental to my relationships? I subconsciously played victim. Now you may be thinking, ‘How could this be so bad?’ Well, because when you’re a victim you’re usually afraid, and we all know what fear does to a relationship. In addition, my subconscious-victim-behavior caused me to be defensive. Translation: I took everything way too personal. If my man didn’t feel like talking, I thought he was just over our relationship. If he didn’t feel like going out with me, I thought he was just over our relationship. If he didn’t compliment me enough, I thought he was just over our relationship. Deeper translation: I had some issues.

Because I’ve never been the kind to nag a man, I kept my excessive insecurities to myself and they translated into some crazy woman behavior. I wouldn’t pick up calls (playing games, I know), I would talk to my exes on the phone for comfort, and in addition I would instantly become rude and moody. When it came down to relationships, I barely wanted to be around myself, so I can only imagine how my ex-boos were feeling.

Still, for years I believed that they were the bad guys. Seriously, this was my thinking in spite of all my wrongdoings. It took many conversations with my close friends and then some extreme soul-searching for me to realize whom the ‘bad guy’ really was. And I was destroying my own relationships before they even started.

As cliché as it sounds, you really can think things into or out of existence. If you think love is for suckers and only leads to heartbreak, it probably is and probably will; but if you allow a little part of you to be hopeful and optimistic, surely something good can come from that.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am far from the helpless romantic type who is the eternal optimist when it comes to men and relationships, but I have learned the power of accountability and most importantly hope. As naïve as it may sound to some women, all men aren’t that bad and all relationships don’t lead to heartbreak. Do yourself a favor and get out of your own way when it comes to love.

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN