Bad Mouthing An Ex: Is It Even Worth All the Drama?

28 comments
July 28, 2013 ‐ By Brooke Dean

I’ll admit, I’ve been following the sad, but bizarre antics between Siohvaughn Wade and her famous ex-husband, Miami Heat basketball star Dwyane Wade. Whether talking to blogs, appearing on Dr. Phil or sitting out on the streets of Chicago, this woman is letting the world know that she is a woman scorned – a bitter woman who was done wrong, who was hoodwinked and led astray and who isn’t taking things lying down. Well…let her tell it anyway.

I’m not here to say she’s right or wrong, or that D. Wade is right or wrong either. They’re the only two who really know what happened between them. But it seems now everyone knows some bits and pieces of their lives together and now, their lives apart. It comes as no surprise that famous people live their personal lives in public sometimes, but what about your “average Joe?” Do we need to know their business as well?

Break ups are painful no matter who you are or why they occurred. When people have been hurt, it’s no surprise they may want to lash out. You want to purge yourself of the disgust, disgrace and anger you feel about even being involved with that person in the first place. You need to let the world know you’ve been wronged or that your ex is a jerk, and you’ll tell anyone and everyone who will listen!

Even if you haven’t been wronged, per sé, sometimes immaturity takes over and you just can’t let go. There may be one-sided bitterness, jealousy, or passion that still burns for the other person that consumes you to the point that you can’t help but keep your ex’s name IN your mouth. That might be where your therapist needs to step in because you’re starting to look crazy.

We’ve all been there: lamenting to our girls about the guy who did us dirty or the scumbag you wish you’d never laid eyes on. But then there are those who take to Twitter, Facebook, take out full blown ads and billboards about their ex that take things too far. Okay, so maybe I don’t know anyone personally who has taken out a billboard, but how many of you have seen women (and men) tell dirty little secrets about their ex on social media or simply make things up and gossip about it in order to hurt or embarrass them? This is when things get out of hand and can backfire on you.

There is a such thing as constructive venting and then there is character bashing. Even if your ex is without much character and everything you say about him or her is true, the question is: Do you want to sink to that level? Will getting down and dirty free you from the rage you feel? Probably not.

Bad-mouthing an ex:

  1. is a waste of your time and energy. You could be using that power to do something more positive and productive in your own life.
  2. is beneath you, and when taken too far, can make you appear to be a bit “pathetic” or a “victim.” Not hot.
  3. is toxic. You will be in a negative frame of mind, polluting your own body with thoughts of someone you should be putting in your rearview mirror.
  4. is rarely used as a real warning to other people. More often than not, it’s usually a way to assassinate the ex’s character to people who don’t even know them. It can be that you’re trying to sway others’ opinion, but it doesn’t work and again, you’re looking ridiculous.

Bad-mouthing and venting are not synonymous. If you have the desire to talk about how you’ve been treated in your relationship, talk to one trusted person or professional who will not spread what you’ve said to mutual friends or family members. I know it’s tempting to want to announce all the transgressions that took place in your past relationship in order to gain sympathy or to get it off your chest, but it does no good in the long run. – Well, if you’re Siohvaughn Wade, who got a little pay day because of her tom-foolery, it might work but there aren’t many of us in that position. But I digress.

In a perfect world, exes can succeed at being friends and letting bygones be bygones. But we don’t live in a perfect world; we live in one where bitterness, jealousy, hating and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought. Let it go. It’s better to leave things with pleasant memories rather than drag a dead relationship through the mud. Keeping a foot in the past makes it that much harder to enjoy your future. As Martin Lawrence said, “if that ish is supposed to be over, then let it be over!”

So keep it moving…and keep your mouth shut.

More from Styleblazer

More from Mommynoire

MadameNoire Video

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Been There

    My ex bad mouthed me to one of his former girlfriends. She then proceeded to put all of my business on Twitter. The crazy thing about it was me &my ex were very cordial. I didn’t have anything bad to say about him. He was very close friends with my brother still and we would converse quite often with no problems. I can agree when I say it is extremely immature, and sad.

  • Misha

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I needed this. I get it. This is right on time. I only wish I had read it on yesterday.

  • BadAzz Bee

    I won’t bad mouth an ex not cause I care but ain’t nobody warn me lol so y would I warn the next lol

  • Deena

    NO!!!! either way!!!! you about him or him about you! because you never know who you will need could be from the smallest of a thing to the biggest of a thing. My ex and I talk from time to time i guess some people just arent cool like us or can handle some things like moving on without grudges.what would be the point?

  • Lisa C

    Especially when you have kids you shouldn’t trash talk your ex. Let them form their own opinions when they are older. In D Wade’s case who do you think will come out looking like the hero, (and deservedly so). I never bad mouthed my ex to my kids and when my youngest was 9 he said “i love my dad, but I think I’m a better person because he wasn’t around more. Sadly, I think he was right.

  • Tennessee10

    Preach! I’m sorry but this hits home, my fiancé and I have been together for 9 years and u talk about bitter exes, this chick is so burned tat 1 day we were in target and some random woman, walks up o him and starts telling him how he did his ex wrong and he was a dog, most recently she saw him in traffic and lied telling ppl he tried to run her down, she has divided his family and even interfered in his relationship with his son from a previous relationship, at some point Mama u gotta let it go. I’ve moved past wanting 2 fight and all of that I have 2 kids and really am starting 2 feel sorry 4 her.

    • guest

      An ex from 9 years ago that is still acting like that? Hmmm…sounds like there is more to that story. It also sounds like whatever happened wasn’t 9 years ago…

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      You’ve been with a man for 9 years and still haven’t made it down the aisle? I’m hoping you’re like 21 or something. And what she’s doing spells he’s giving her mixed signals aka smashing it occasionally.

  • more

    Some women are in fact bitter why is that so hard to believe ? Example women are the only ones who call other women HOMEWRECKERS. When was the last time u heard a man call another man homewrecker ? How many times have u seen women CRYING over their EXs YEAR S after the fact on reality shows ? The madness needs to stop. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH VENTING ANGER WITH FRIENDSi do it all the time. However to do it in PUBLIC FASHION attacking other women or yelling at him in public SCREAMS BITTER!

    • Lisa C

      Especially around kids, if there are any.

      • more

        Yes It’s not the way to go. Sometimes the best revenge is moving on to better things

        • Marguerite

          I see where you are coming from. To be honest, once you find something better, you won’t even think about the past or see it like revenge. It’s just moving on.

          • more

            Exactly!

    • Diana Berry

      I think that dat some women feel as if they’re entitled to a relationship or the man they want to be with without trying to be a better person, or to better themselves (have good values, principle, morals, have iintegrity, get a career going for yourself and learn how to treat others)They get angry when they get dumped or left even tho they did not care to work on themselves! U are not entitled to anything if u dont care to be a better person!!!

      • Diana Berry

        Most people who get dumped are people who are somewhat defecient, and if it tskes u 9 yrs. And you’re still bitter then the problem was u!?

    • Freddy Shumakerr

      I’ll give you the reason that men don’t call other men Homewreckers. When a woman goes out and takes off her ring or maybe she didn’t get one who knows. But if she is actively seeking another man, the man that she is currently with will most likely not even be mad at the man she is after. She is committing herself to that action and the man that she is after may not even know about the one she just copulated with the night before. Therefore, men would usually feel sorry for the guy that she is with because deep down we know that he is going to go through the same thing ,whatever that may be. In my case, my woman was promiscuous before me but I gave her a chance anyways(wrong,don’t ever do this. lesson learned lol). I stand by this saying,”if she was promiscuous before me”. “Then she will be promiscuous after me.” So we really don’t need to call other men Homewreckers when he’s going to be in the same predicament. Mine left me when I joined the Navy. I was a former Walmart worker so you know I wasn’t getting paid much. So I decided to better myself and she decided to open her legs to every dog in the park. So as you can see. I have no reason to be mad at whatever Applebee worker that she fell in love with. Mine was so bad that even while she was with her new boyfriend Scott, She says to me, hey we can’t do anything while the kids are here(one being mine and the other from another boyfriend that she met before Scott). But yep, she was actually willing to make my 30 day leave from the Navy much more pleasurable than I thought it would be. Thankfully I do have morals. otherwise that could have turned into an ugly situation.

  • ted mikeal

    Sorry, but this is distinctively a black women vindictive nature. This is not to say other women don’t do this, but it is not as rampant as it is with black women; take for example Elin Nordegren,Tiger did her very wrong and it would have been understandable if she dogged him out but she didn’t because she has high-class,integrity and self confidence. Or take any of the basketball wives, white women don’t go around and talk about their men or their business like those black women. Also, this very much squares with my personal experience and my friends. Infact it is one of the top reason upcoming black men feel they need a white women in their side when they are rising to the top the food chain.

    Another thing Worth mentioning is that, if a guy did this kind of thing to his ex-girl, everyone would tell him to grow up and move on, nobody including his friends would sympathize with him. So, the real problem is that women are not held to the same standards because we as a society infantilize women and don’t expect them to face the consequences of their decisions.

    • Diveta Cranford

      Gtfoh!!! This type of behavior is not exclusive to black women…maybe it is with the black women you deal with but don’t include all black women into your small world..thank you.

    • Laine

      Elin Nordegren didn’t “dog Tiger out” because she signed a confidentiality agreement in her divorce settlement. And don’t get me started on all the white women that did “dog out their ex” during and after their high profile divorce. It happens within every culture. Not because you chose not to see it when it regards white women, does it mean that it doesn’t actually happen

    • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

      Its called Elin signed a non-disclosure agreement as part of her multimillion dollar divorce settlement. Of course if Elin was black you would say she was a triflin gold digger who should have been happy that Tiger married her. Alas you need white people to validate your worth in this world. Go forth my confused brother and find social acceptance and self worth in the whitest thing that will have you.

      • guest

        lol. You always have the best comments!

  • Reese

    Like another poster said the best thing you can do to hurt an ex is to keep living your life and doing well for yourself. Nobody likes a negative person who is always talking ish about somebody else. Even if you’re ex was the worst person ever just stay mum and keep it moving.

  • guest1002

    Best revenge is living your life like you never knew them
    :

    • Marguerite

      amen

    • Freddy Shumakerr

      Revenge is best kept to God. Even thinking about revenge means that your’re wasting your time and energy and that you’re still thinking about the skank or scumbag that did whatever to hurt you. Also, if what ended the relationship had to do with cheating, just let them do what they want to do. Let them do every dog in the park. Let them get all the diseases. Don’t wish it upon them but if it’s the life style that they chose then so be it. If they want children by three or four different dads then so be it. Just know that is not you and learn from the experience to watch out for people like that. Last but not least if someone accused you of cheating and you did not. More than likely you need to be heading to the door for a new relationship because I can guarantee that he or she is.

  • Fadil Mazrekaj

    Geil Bielda

  • Momo

    This is one of the best articles I’ve ever seen in this website. Very insightful.

  • Cokeland

    Bad mouthing an ex is the stupidest, most immature shyt a person can do. They’re your ex, meaning part of your past. Move on!