Should You Have “The Kids Talk” On A Date?

13 Comments
July 25, 2013 ‐ By
Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock

 

From YourTango 

The kids-or-no-kids debate is an issue for many couples. But, bring a child into a new dating relationship and the issue becomes even more complex. As people move from one relationship into the dating realm, they often wonder, “Does he want kids?,” Will she still want to date me?”

When both parties are on the same page in regard to the kids question (either in favor of kids or not), the new relationship experiences fewer bumps. But if one wants kids and the other doesn’t, the debate may result in a huge rift that not many couples survive.

When to Talk About Kids

It is my opinion that the do-you-want-(more)-children question should be tackled within the first couple of dates. Why continue to date someone who doesn’t have the same goals and desires as you do? Sure, there are some cases where, along the way, someone changes his or her mind, and everyone lives happily ever after, but there are more cases that end in heartbreak and anger.

Are you willing to take that chance? Does it make sense to invest so much time in a relationship that may never work?

Most people know whether or not they want children by the time they reach adulthood. Personally, I have five children, and three of them already know that they definitely want to have kids of their own. One of my kids is a no go, and one is still on the fence (which is fine since he’s only 14!). My point is that, even though my kids are still relatively young, they already have a picture of what they want their family lives to look like.

I Can Change His/Her Mind

I’ve heard so many stories of heartbreak resulting from one person trying to change a potential partner’s mind about having or not having children. The bottom line is, if someone you’re dating does not want children (and vice versa), don’t try to talk him/her into it. It’s important to respect the vision of what that individual has in mind for his/her future.

Stop trying to change the other person and accept that you may need to change how you deal with the situation.

When I began dating after my divorce, I decided that I wanted to date only men who wanted children. I felt that the desire for kids was one common ground on which we could relate to one another.

But, one of my very best friends approached the kid debate in a completely different way. She decided that she had no interest in dating a man with kids. She didn’t feel that she was cut out to manage someone else’s kids and the ex-wife that would inevitably come as part of the package.

Read more at YourTango.com 

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  • Momma Dee Tha Q.U.E.E.N

    You should if you have a young child or if u see that it’s going to be a promising relationship, OR if u have a multi-platinum rapper that is your child. Yes that’s right I said it. My son, the Prince, is a multiplatnum rapper, actor, and an excellent father. That is all.

    Lol.

    • WHOISBSQUARED?

      LMFAO…..

  • taz

    Must be for the older crowd because i dont think someone my age (19-25) asks those questions on dates just yet.

    • Nope

      Yeah, I agree. These questions are for people that are basically reaching their romantic, biological (clocks tickin), or physical prime. Even with that, asking these questions within the first couple dates with a stranger is very odd.

      • Nope

        Make that almost if not already past their prime.

    • Pivyque

      I disagree. When I graduated high school, I decided that I was not going to date guys that wanted kids, so I would ask that question before first dates. If they did, they would be put in the friend zone. To me, it’s not about age, it’s about not investing in someone that isn’t on the same page.

      • taz

        I totally agree with you…im talking more about asking if you want kids. Thats kinda weird for a young person to ask soon

        • Pivyque

          Lol true. It could definitely wait until after you figure out if you see the relationship going somewhere.

      • WHOISBSQUARED?

        I WAS EXACTLY THE SAME….BUT I FELT THAT WAY BECUZ I WANT ATTENTION AND SINCE A CHILD IS INVOLVED, THEY NEED ATTENTION….BUT NOW IM GETTING TO KNOW THIS GUY, AND HE HAS A SON, BUT ITS COOL….HE KNOWS HOW TO BALANCE IT VERY WELL…AND SINCE I MADE IT KNOWN THAT IM NOT HAVING KIDS, HE’S COOL ABOUT IT AND I RESPECT THAT…..CUZ MOST MEN WANT THEIR OWN CHILDREN, THAN ADOPTION….BUT KIDS ALL NEED HELP REGARDLESS…..

        • Pivyque

          I felt that way because I didn’t want kids. lol I also didn’t want to raise someone else’s child either. I’m still at a point where if I were to get divorced and have to date again, I wouldn’t date a man with kids younger than 18, but I am glad that it is working out for you.

  • hmm

    I always ask on the first date. No need for me to waste my time. I know that I don’t want kids, so why would I continue to invest in a man that does? That’s stupid.

  • datingms

    Date number #1. Women are always scared to ask the questions that truly important like Religion, children, marriage, education, ethical values etc. No one is wasting my time. If you don’t like me or my questions, i’ll be the first person to tell you , they are over 1,000,000 single women on planet Earth, you have options. It’s amazing how men are mad when I tell them to keep searching, i’m sure Ms right is out there. If we are looking for different things in life and we agree no woman can change a man, I don’t get why these men are angry, when i tell them i’m not the one for you please continue to search smh.