Kirk, Mary Jane And Why We Need To Stop Blaming The Other Woman

30 Comments
July 12, 2013 ‐ By Charing Ball

 

Source: VH1

Source: VH1

 

For all you fellow followers of “Love & Hip Hop: ATL,” who know it’s fake but like the drama anyway (you always got to add that disclaimer because folks just won’t let other folks be entertained): Mary Jane was on the Big Tigger Show recently explaining why she accepted Kirk’s Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate-covered Peanut Head Sex Factory.

Did the pregnancy part cross my mind, no I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about us being at the cabin, having a good time; him having a good time; him putting himself in a single man’s position. And I am a single woman. You know, Mary Jane does music; I turnt up; I have a good time. Everybody knows I’m the life of the party. So that is the only thing I was focused on. I was focused on winning the strip poker game. But obviously I lost. But you know it is what, it is. And hey, he was in a single man’s position so I treated him like a single man…”

And that is when all Hell broke lose on the air. First Bambi turnt up in the form of an on-air call to renew her 15 minutes. And then came a stream of callers, mostly from women, who accused the “Hide Yo Husband” tweeter of betraying the female species by stepping out with a married man. To which Mary Jane responded, “I wasn’t trying to be in her lane. I wasn’t trying to be his wife. I didn’t ask him to marry me. I was being a single woman, doing what I do…”

I know this is not going to sit well with some folks, especially those fresh off of dealing with the philandering peen of a “significant” other, but I have to say that Mary Jane does have a point: why are we mad at her, when we should be mad – and mad only – at Kirk?

Nothing is more hurtful and confusing than being cheated on, this point I know very well. But also having been on the other side of that spectrum, I also see how unequal the blame is distributed among the guilty (and so-called guilty). In my situation, I had asked the guy I was messing with if he was in a relationship. He told me that he was in love with someone but that they were constantly on and off and at that moment, they were off. “I hope that one day we can work it out but I don’t know sometimes,” he told me. Now I could have gone all Dr. Phil and got to the root of his relationship strife but quite frankly, I figured that he would know his relationship status better than I would. And his respect for that said relationship would keep him from first, propositioning me so boldly for a date; and secondly actually gone on a date with me. The only thing I can really assume is that he is single? Either that or a liar. Plus I did my due-diligence by asking him straight up. And that he had every opportunity to think about the home-front and back out of what he knew was about to go down, before it went down.

Well some time later, after we had parted, for some odd reason Mr. On Again, Off Again, decided to cleanse his soul and confess his sins to his significant other. Actually I think he ended up confessing some other things because all of a sudden, I have this random and anonymous woman giving me side-eyes and dragging my name through the mud in our social circle. A mutual friend finally cued me in to the fact that this was Mr. On Again, Off Again’s wife. And that they had been married for almost a decade. Now that’s uncomfortable. Hoping to squash this beef and set the record straight, I reached out to his wife and apologized if our fling had hurt her and that I was not interested in pursuing anything from him. I also told her that he wasn’t exactly honest with me neither. Well she wasn’t trying to hear it. And continued on speaking ill of me and making snide comments about me whenever I was around.

At first I felt really ashamed and guilty. My intentions were not to interfere in someone’s relationship and hurt anyone; my intention was to get some peen from a man, who professed himself to be single and ready to mingle. And yet my desire for intimate companionship was now the source of someone’s relationship falling apart. But then pictures of those two starting getting around of them having midnight strolls on the beach and sharing a single ice cream sundae and I’m like, hold up? Why are you around here throwing daggers at me with one hand while the other hand is handcuffing the very source of your problem?

Oh now I see what’s really happening here: It was easier to make me out into some sort of magical Sapphire-Lilith temptress, whose intoxicating allure was too strong for the delicate naivete of her dude, who was helpless in the ways of such wicked womanly witchcraft. It was easier to believe that I had drugged him and tricked him back to my (and his) spot than to believe that he was a willing participant. The thing is, if only my poon came with that sort of power, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting it on your cheating A$$ dude? Heck with that kind of P-power, I could have Idris Elba. And if I did have that power, I most certainly would have Idris Elba with a side of Lance Gross.

But enough about my superpower wish list, my point is that if it wasn’t me, or a Mary Jane-type figure, it would have been somebody else. Because men, who are out to cheat, will cheat. That is evident by the fact that many cheating men will lie about their deeds in addition to cheating. And even among those men who don’t necessarily aim to be unfaithful, also know full-well about the consequences of their decision. So there is really no trickery or debauchery there. Just good ole fashion lack of will-power and respect for their significant other. And to deny those cheaters accountability, while placing the blame and guilt squarely on a third party, who by all intents and purposes is a virtual stranger to you and your situation, sounds kind of jaded. Not only is it pessimistic about relationships but men in general. After all, how much faith can you really have in a dude, whom you feel is so easily distracted, swayed and that incapable of good-decision making when he is not in your presence?

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  • VVV

    I dont blame the wife. I would speak ill of you too. I would speak ill of your momma as well for giving you such a low self esteem that you would see yourself so short, but do believe while I am speaking ill of you, I would also be speaking ill of my husband. No worries, I am fair and I believe in equal opportunity and equal shame.

  • mlw1924

    ole girl is a, but kirk is the married 1, he shouldnt be kissing any1 but his wife.

  • NatashaDecemberBabyThomas

    No, the husband is the one cheated, I don’t know why wives/girlfriends goes after the woman first, there are ones who don’t even know that the men they were seeing are married or have a girlfriend at home and the wife/girlfriend goes after her first, and you have the ones who knew the man already have someone but they still do it, either way, the man should be the one to blame, he the one who stepped out of the relationship to go cheat. This is the same for women who cheat on their husband/boyfriend. If you made the commitment to stay with that person, don’t cheat!

    • mlw1924

      in a nutshell..

  • Mynx

    Yes, it’s Kirk’s fault because he purposely put himself in that position and knew exactly what he was going to do. I understand it not being her fault if she didn’t know anything about Kirk and him being married with a baby on the way, but she did. She could have been a little more respectable and kept her distance because I am sure she wouldn’t want her husband running around on her behind her back!

    Either way, it’s all for television and she knew what she was getting into which is why she went for it. More camera time with her name in everyone’s mouth. It’s the only way to become famous these days!

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/thesapphireempress96?feature=results_main A.J.

    As a disclaimer, let me start out by saying that I NEVER have, nor will I ever, be involved with a married man. I’m not justifying any sort of cheating, because at the core, it’s wrong. However, I do think that we need to start reexamining certain cheating situations, as well as the way that we place blame. There are definitely some women who are trifling from the beginning, going after married men and not caring about the consequences. They set themselves up in these situations, and then want to holler about how they’ve been wronged and deserve this and that. That isn’t right, and any woman who throws herself after a married man and then absolves herself of all blame, needs a serious reality check. However, there are other instances where it’s not so black-and-white. It’s much easier for people to hide that they are married these days; I’ve seen a lot of men talk about their spouses out of the blue when they showed no indication that they were married. Likewise, it is easier for people to get caught up in situations that they didn’t bargain for. What about scenarios where the man is involved with a girl much younger than he is, one who’s inexperienced, and doesn’t know what to watch out for? (NOT a child, that’s pedophilia, I mean a young lady). Or situations that involve some sort of coercion?
    Just as there are women who throw themselves at married men, there are married men who are cheaters, who unapologetically go out looking for something on the side to be involved with, and who lie to the extreme without flinching. When people constantly place all or most of the blame on the other woman, it sends a message to men that it’s okay for them to do whatever they want, because they’re not going to be as heavily chastised for it. Most women do not wake up and say, “Hmm, look at those trees, I think I’m going to go out and cheat with a married man today.” People do need to take responsibility for their actions, but that goes both ways. And I think that we all need to look deeper into certain (not all) situations instead of writing them all of as the same.

  • anonymouse

    of course a woman who has been ‘the other woman will say some stupid crap like that! No one gets excused, if you are in a relationship and cheat…you ain’t $hit. And if you know somebody is in a relationship and you still deal with them, then you ain’t $hit either

  • jray

    ive learned that most women who mess with a man who has a women really don’t care about the man at all, even if he swipe you down. it be about competing with that other women. Letting her know (i got yo man and you cant do nothing about it Lady Saw) Women like to compete, scratch that, they love to compete you guys are funny, you will stand in line at the club even if it’s 20 below with no clothes on just to make sure no one is cuter than you, you will by the same outfit, get the same hairdo, even get the same car as someone you know just to show her you can do it to. You won’t even like the dude until you see your girlfriend on him, then all of a sudden you want him. When me and my wife go shopping, I tell her to not pick nothing up unless you sure you going to buy it, cause competitive women be watching your every move and will pick the same item up once you put it down, even if she don’t like, she saw you grab it

  • bpa

    I believe so many women like to make excuses for involving themselves with a married man. If you were unaware of the situation it is understandable. But knowing and still pursing the relationship is very wrong. Being involved with a married man is risky.
    1. They’re most likely not leaving their family for you.
    2. You have allowed this man not to commit to you.
    3 You have lowered your morals and values for a man , that goes home to another woman every night.
    4. You’re putting yourself in a dangerous love triangle.
    There are to many available single men out there. Its just so many woman have low self esteems. Or they haven’t even gotten to know a man long enough, before jumping into bed with them.

    • guest

      He’s not going home every night… ;-)

  • kickash

    “chocolate covered peanut head sex factory” LMAO DEAD

  • anonymous

    If a woman knowingly engages in a relationship with a man that is in a relationship/married I do believe she should share some of the blame and get some of the side-eye. No, she did not make the commitment to the other woman, but adultery is a two-party crime. HG on Love and Hip Hop knew that Kirk was married. She was dead wrong. Period. There is no defending that.

  • Lolita

    Charing Ball needs to take cue from some of Madame Noire’s relationship articles SMDH. “In my situation, I had asked the guy I was messing with if he was in a relationship. He told me that he was in love with someone but that they were constantly on and off and at that moment, they were off. “I hope that one day we can work it out but I don’t know sometimes,” he told me. “Getting to know him class 101″ guys 99% of the time say what they mean… Now you can’t play the victim you knew what you was getting into.

    • guest

      She’s not feeling guilty cause he was married, shes mad cause the wife was talking bad about her. The wife should have been talking about her man. That’s who was sleeping with this woman she is speaking so lowly of.

  • SYH

    Okay this is disturbing. Why?? Because of one thing, If you ask a man a question and he gives you an answer that hinges on the immoral then you need to jet. That should be common sense. Quote : He said he was in love with someone but it was on and off. As the man he has the right to give an ultimatum to the woman not the other way around. He doesn’t know how to lead. Sadly the wife stuck which means she doesn’t mind him not leading. Worse off by letting him get away with the excuse that he was seduced she’s enabling him without consequence, which means this woman wasn’t his first cheat. We need to not be so desperate for a man that we will take any man who says he’s available right now. Especially if you want a man for a lifetime eventually.

    • Lolita

      Yeah, she choose to be caught up in that drama. He told her his situation and she said “okey dokey” #sidechicksbelikehelovesherbuttheyainttogethernow

    • Tinygem

      On and off does not register as married to most people. What type of marriage is on and off?? That’s just dumb. If a dude told me he was in an on and off thing, I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t trying to have a future with him. If I just wanted to kick it with him and enjoy his presence, him being in love with someone else would not bother me one bit. I don’t want the love, I want the “peen”…

  • yea…

    Seems like the author is trying to pet her guilty conscience #nobodyhastimeforthat… Moving along it’s not about the blame game it’s about right vs. wrong. No matter how you try to twist & bend it cheating on your husband or wife is wrong.

  • Shauna

    I definitely agree, I’ve been saying that for years that the one who made the commitment is the one at fault. They allowed themselves to be in that situation whether they were the one pursuing or the one being pursued. They made the commitment to be with that person the other person didn’t. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry or hurt but that other person didn’t make you any promises! Stop blaming the wrong person while your hugged up to the one who’s at fault?

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Yo, If I was the author the last thing I would be doing is trying to justify and not feel guilty for hitting a married man. I would be more self reflective on why I was busting it open for stranger whom I didn’t even know their marital status much less their HIV status.

    This is why if my husband dared to sleep with another woman he would one, have an appointment with the nearest STD clinic and two an appointment with a divorce attorney. I don’t play with my health not for all the ‘love’ in the world.

    • Nia

      Married men lie. I think the author got caught up. There is a difference between a man lying to you and messing with a man you know is married.

      • Cookie

        The minute the words “I am in love with someone and I hope we work it out” came out of his mouth, she should have shut it down. She then became “that chick”. Who in their right mind gets involved with an emotionally unavailable man? Then gets a guilty conscience about it. Come on now, just say the peen was good and you didn’t care about his woman (because at heart you KNEW he had a woman, you just didn’t care). Just like this Maryann chick. Yes he is to blame as well, but it takes 2 and when you knowingly sleep with someone attached (even emotionally) then you should also take responsibility for your hoeish actions, not try and place blame ONLY on him.

        • Guest

          She is a single woman. Whether ppl want to blame her or not will not change the fact that the husband/man cheated. Yes, I think the man is the ONLY one that needs to be blames. He is the ONLY one in that affair that made a commitment.

        • Tami

          If he doesn’t respect the relationship, what incentive do I have to respect it? I don’t.

          • VVV

            It’s not for you to respect the relationship, it’s for your to respect yourself.

            • Tami

              My definition of respecting myself will not be the same as yours. If a man approaches me and we hit it off, I am going to continue seeing him. If he is married, he should act like it.

      • clwa0303

        Exactly. She’ll learn the hard way to stop being so judgmental

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          Was that directed at me? So he lied. Like he lied about his relationship status he could also be lying about having that package. Which is all I’m trying to say. You ought to protect the cookie at all costs whether you are “peen” hungry or not.

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/thesapphireempress96?feature=results_main A.J.

        I agree. The latter scenario is very much at fault, the former, I believe, shouldn’t be judged so harshly; it’s not that simple.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        Married or not married. Whether she knew or she didn’t my whole point is she slept with someone whom she didn’t know even the most basic of information about. I know she didn’t ask him for some paperwork to make sure he was clean. Also this quote here raised an eyebrow:

        “My intentions were not to interfere in someone’s relationship and hurt
        anyone; my intention was to get some peen from a man”

        She’s lucky the only thing she caught was some side eyes and trash talking.